Like Eating Glass-Chapter 7
I know that this has taken...oh, that long, huh...well I know it's been a really long time since I updated this, please don't Scorpio me! I've been overloaded with work, literally don't think I've slept more than a few hours the past two weeks. The semester is winding down and things are going nuts. I'm on my way home for Easter break, four trains for four days, and I've got about an hour and a half on this train so I figured that I'd try and pound something out to let you guys know I'm still alive. Thanks for sticking with this! Please review and remember that I don't own Flashpoint.
Things didn't feel real. He sat in his minivan in the driveway outside his house with the engine off, his hands on the steering wheel, trying to figure out why he wasn't getting out of his car. He felt frozen as he heard the wind cascading over the windshield and hitting the metal frame of the car. Oddly enough, he didn't feel cold. It was below zero outside and the heat had long stopped coming from the vents of the car but he wasn't cold. He was shaking, his body seeming to shiver without his conscious knowledge of it, but he didn't think that it was from the chill in the air. He took a deep breath and tried to clear his mind of the racing thoughts that had plagued him all afternoon as he looked out into the darkness of the night. He heard the chimes on his front porch swinging in the wind and he took another breath to steady himself, focusing only on the metallic clang of the pipes hitting each other.
He felt his nerves steady a bit as he leaned over into the passenger seat of the car and retrieved his gun from his bag. He had considered leaving it in his locker in the station but something had compelled him to bring it home. He knew that he wouldn't be taking it inside, he and Shelly both hated the idea of having a gun in the house with their daughters there. He had a gun safe but nothing had been stored in it since Claire had started crawling around on her own. He opened his glove compartment and took the cartridge out of the gun before placing both safely in the box. He locked the glove compartment, his body shivering again, and grabbed his bag. He opened the door with numb fingers and stepped out of the car before he lost his nerve again.
He tried to close the door gently, he knew that he wouldn't wake anyone by slamming the door but he didn't want to take the risk tonight. The wind bit at his face as he flipped his collar up and tried to brace himself against the wind. He walked quickly towards the front door and extended his arm, key in hand, towards the lock. He turned his key and felt the lock click open, but his hands lingered on the knob. The cold metal felt alien to his hand as his fingertips tingled. He stayed frozen, one hand holding the door knob, until another gust of wind violently blew towards him and partially opened the door. He took another deep breath before pushing the door the rest of the way open and stepping over the frame. He felt the warmth of the home hit him full force; he took a step backwards and nearly stepped back outside before planting his feet and closing the door. He locked it behind him and stood silently in the hall as he felt his face and body come back to life.
The heat hit his exposed skin and he felt the tight muscles of his face relax slightly. He leaned against the wall and took another breath as he looked around the darkened hallway. He knew that Shelly had probably left him something for dinner but he wasn't hungry. He went up the stairs quietly, feeling more and more out of place each step that he took. He stood at the top of the stairs and looked at the two white doors in front of him. He stepped towards the one to his left and raised his hand to the carved wooden letters hung on the door. He traced the "L" painted a bright green color and then the "A" painted with a dull purple. He smiled for an instant as he remembered carving the letters in the garage and helping the older girls paint the ones for their younger sister. The smile didn't stay on his face for long as he dropped his arm and lingered over the doorknob.
He suddenly felt the overwhelming desire to go in Lilly and Allie's room, to hug them and hold them but he didn't turn the doorknob. Allie had barley been sleeping through the night, two year olds rarely do, and if she was sleeping now than he want to be the reason she woke up. They were both light sleepers and even opening the door was tempting fate. He exhaled as he let his arm drop all the way down to his side. He shifted his bag as he walked the few steps towards Claire's room. He looked at the "C" on the door and adjusted it slightly so it didn't hang crooked. He put his hand on the doorknob and opened it slowly.
His gaze fell upon the bed and the small girl laying in it, her back to him. He thought that his heart stopped beating, his breath hitched in his throat as his muscles tensed and then seemed to stop working. He dropped his bag onto the wood floor and saw her stir under her blankets. He was frozen, still not breathing, feeling dizzy and shaky on his firmly planted feet.
"Daddy...?" Claire mumbled sleepily as she turned towards him. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew that he was looking at Claire, his six year old daughter, but in that moment he only saw the piercing green eyes and blond hair staring at him; he only saw Emily. "Daddy, what are you doing?" She asked innocently, still groggy.
"I...I'm sorry..." He felt himself choking on the words. He still wasn't sure if his heart was beating as he felt his head spinning. "I'm sorry..." The words were barley whispered as he unconsciously took a step backwards. He didn't realize that a door had opened down the hall and he didn't hear Shelly coming towards him, his focus was on Claire only.
"Kevin?" She asked quietly as she took his hand and pulled away quickly when she saw the dried blood on his knuckles. "Kevin, what's wrong?" She asked a bit more sternly.
"Mommy?" Claire asked, her eyes fluttering open and closed, near sleep again.
"Go back to sleep sweetie." She said softly as Claire nodded, too tired to understand any of what was going on. Shelly stepped in Wordy's line of sight and closed the door, breaking the seeming trance he was in. He felt himself gasp for breath as he looked around, confused as to why Shelly was trying to drag him down the hallway. He followed her without thinking as she held his wrist tightly and took him straight to the small bathroom attached to their room. She turned on the light and they both squinted their eyes as it blinded them momentarily. Shelly helped Wordy off with his coat, she was talking to him, asking what was happening but he wasn't really listening until she came directly in front of him and stood on her toes to get closer to making eye contact.
"Kevin." She said firmly, grabbing his attention. His eye followed her as she went back down to her normal height. "Are you okay?" She asked seriously again, unblinking. He swallowed hard, his dry throat aching, his hand suddenly hurting for the first time that night. He tried to speak but he felt tears rising up in him and he didn't want to let them flow now. After a long pause, he nodded. Shelly didn't seem convinced but she pulled him into the bathroom and turned the faucet on the sink to the cool water.
Wordy let her clean his knuckles, only now realizing what a number he'd done on the shredded skin. He vaguely wondered how he would explain the wounds in the morning but he didn't dwell on the thought too long. The thought of a new day only made him hopeless; he wondered how long this pain would go on but he only felt more disheartened by the conclusions he was coming to. Shelly painstakingly cleaned his wounds but was gentle as she rubbed the tender skin. She whispered soothing assurances in the quiet of the house and though he wasn't really listening, he felt his body relax slightly in her presence.
For a moment, one wonderful instant, his mind was free from the doubts and pain that had been present all afternoon. That peace was short lived though as Wordy took in his new situation. His work life was one thing, he was depended upon and trusted, sure; but his home life was another story all together. At home he was the hero, he was flawless and he was the knight in shining armor that rode in on his white horse and saved the people in distress. When he explained his job to his kids he told them that helped people, he saved people who were having a bad day, or he stopped a someone from doing something bad...today though, he was the bad guy; he was the killer.
"Kevin?" Shelly had moved closer to him and looked at him worriedly. He looked away, not wanting to see those eyes: those eyes that had always been watching him, seeing him for what he was, those eyes that knew when something was wrong, those eyes that he had loved and cherished ever since they had met. Those eyes felt accusatory tonight and he couldn't face them. "Kevin, what's wrong?"
"Nothing, Shell." He said in an even tone. He didn't want to tell her, he couldn't tell her. His reality was shattered and he wouldn't let that happen to Shelly. She'd been though enough pain to last a lifetime and she didn't need to know that her husband had killed a twelve year old today. She tried to find his eyes again but he kept evading her gaze.
"I've never seen you like this, Kevin..."
"It's just been a really long day." He hoped that it would be enough of an explanation but he knew that he wouldn't get off that easily.
"You've had long days before but...but I'm worried..." She said honestly. He knew that she was alluding to Lew but he quickly shoved the memory from his mind, he couldn't add that to his thoughts tonight.
"Listen Shell," He said a little more firmly than he'd intended. He instantly regretted his tone and softened his voice. "I really don't want to talk about it." She nodded and finished wrapping his hand with gauze before moving closer and leaning on him. He knew that she wanted him to hug her but he felt the irrational fear again that he would leave the blood on her. He backed up a bit and she looked at him with concern.
"Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?" She asked again softly.
"Go back to sleep, I'm sorry I woke you." He said, the conversation obviously ended. She nodded and walked back towards him. She stood on her toes again and kissed his check.
"I love you, Kevin." She said sincerely as she huddled back under her blankets.
"Love you too, Shell." He whispered as he turned off the lights and let the room fall into darkness.
He changed quietly in front of his dresser and though his body was exhausted he knew that sleep would not come easily. He started out laying on his back under the blankets but every thirty minutes it seemed, he would turn over. First he turned to his left, then his right, then he tried to get comfortable on his stomach, only to end up on his back again, staring at the ceiling. He'd tried just closing his eyes and resting but every time his eyelids shut he saw her eyes staring back at him. He watched the minutes turn to hours as the sun eventually shone into his window. His alarm clock went off at it's normal time but it was unnecessary, he was wide awake and feeling worse than ever.
Not the greatest end to this chapter. I'm not really liking this one but I really just needed to write something and get myself back on track and in the right mindset. Tell me what you think please. Don't expect an update until early to mid May, I've got one more week of class and then a week of finals.