Like Eating Glass-Chapter 12
So some of my Americanisms showed through last chapter, inches and temperature, I've been trying to catch them but I don't think they were too bad. Tell me what you think. Though I'd gladly take it off someone's hands, I still don't own Flashpoint.
There was a long moment of silence as Wordy tried and failed to melt into the couch and Greg tried to think of what to say next. There was a loud voice in his head yelling for him to be patient, just like any other day, any other time he wanted someone to talk, but a small nagging whisper was winning out: this is Wordy.
"I'm sorry." Wordy whispered, still only glancing at Greg before his gaze settled elsewhere. Greg looked at Wordy critically for a moment, confusion in his eyes.
"Wordy, you don't have anything to be sorry for." Greg put his elbows on his knees and leaned forward more to try and find Wordy's eyes.
"Yeah," Wordy looked up and briefly met Greg's gaze with a bit of a grimace. "I have a lot to be sorry for but I mean, here we are and you ask me...you ask me that...and I can't think of anything to say other than 'I don't know.' I mean, you deserve an answer better than that." He bit his lip before looking at the ground again.
"It's okay, Wordy. I get it, there's lots of stuff going on in your head right now and I'm glad that we're talking." Greg saw Wordy shaking his head slowly.
"It's not okay...it's not." He said in a firm whisper. He looked up at Greg and took a few deep breaths. "I don't...I don't know what's going on in my head anymore. It feels like...like I don't know who I am." Wordy struggled to find the words as he tried to express the emotions he'd been crushing down and trying to avoid. Greg nodded and thought hard about what Wordy was telling him.
"I hear you Wordy, you're overwhelmed right now and it's unfamiliar," Greg paused and let the word sink in. "but that doesn't mean that's it wrong." Wordy made no sign of agreeing so Greg continued. "And I know who you are. I know that you're a friend, and you're a cop, you're a husband, and you're a father. Your three little girls, you're the world to them and our team wouldn't be complete without you." Greg paused a moment and waited to make sure that Wordy was seeing his sincerity. "You might be questioning yourself right now, but no one else is. You are good at your job, Wordy, and you are a good person." Greg finished confidently and Wordy seemed to be thinking about his words.
"I know...I just, right now it doesn't feel that way. When my girls asked what I did at work, I said that I protected the world from bad guys, that I saved people. I just can't go back and face them knowing that I'm that bad guy." Another silent tear came to Wordy's eye but he tried to blink it away.
"But you're not the bad guy, Wordy. You did your job and you saved the hostage. I know that it sucks sometimes. I know that we all wanted to save Emily over her father, but we did our jobs." Greg was strong yet firm as he spoke but Wordy shook his head.
"So that's my excuse?" He asked bitterly.
"It's not an excuse, Wordy, it's the truth." Wordy leaned back on the couch, still shaking his head but he didn't say anything. Greg let the conversation fall to silence again to regroup and figure out where to go next.
He knew that he had to bring up the question of suicide again but he really didn't want to. Part of him knew that this approach wasn't going to work. Wordy was (ironically) a man of few words. Though he understood and appreciated negotiation, he was a tactical man. He wasn't a talker and Greg knew that talking probably wasn't going to be the thing that got through to him but he wasn't sure what else to do at this point. There was a fine line he was toeing between being Wordy's Sargent and being his friend and Greg knew that any step beyond this conversation would be crossing a line and being met with paperwork, rules, commanding officers, and harsh protocol; he wanted to avoid crossing that line at all costs.
"Wordy, I hate to bring it back to this," Greg paused and waited for Wordy to look at him. "but when you said that you don't know if you're suicidal...I...can you..." Greg looked at him with a bit of desperation, not wanting to finish his sentence. Wordy nodded, understanding the unspoken words. He took a moment to think before running his hand through his short cropped hair.
"The thoughts just, they run through my mind sometimes and I know that they're wrong but they just come back." He took a breath and bit his lip before continuing. "I wouldn't actually do anything, it's kind of just there." He shrugged and looked at Greg to see if he was being clear.
"Okay." Greg nodded.
"But I wouldn't do anything. I mean...like the only thought that was in my head all night was just...kinda hoping that the snow would just bury me...but I didn't think about it before hand." Greg nodded again but Wordy continued. "I wouldn't do anything, Greg, believe me when I say that, please. I understand the repercussions of my actions." Wordy said strongly.
"I trust you, Wordy." Greg said strongly, satisfied by the answer. "Thank you for being honest with me." The conversation lulled into silence again as Greg rose and poured them both some more coffee. Wordy still shivered a bit but the color had returned to his face and he was able to hold his coffee without having to worry about spilling it. After a few minutes of quiet, Wordy put his mug down on the table and looked at Greg with a bit of worry.
"What happens now?" Greg took another sip of coffee and thought hard about the way things could go.
"Well, you're taking time off." Greg said firmly. Wordy nodded reluctantly and kept quiet. "And I want you to talk to Doc Luria," Wordy looked worried but Greg motioned for him to relax. "Stressful incident debrief, Commander Holloran won't know about this conversation tonight, but she will." Greg said with authority. "I want you back Wordy, this isn't punishment, I just want you back to yourself." Wordy seemed deep in thought. "What do you think?" Wordy nodded slightly.
"It sounds good," there was a slight hitch in his tone and Greg gave him a questioning look. "I don't know, it just feels like I can never be that same person." He closed his eyes and shook his head a bit as Greg spoke.
"You probably won't be Wordy," He looked at Greg, vulnerability showing as the genuine feeling came to the surface. "Do you trust me?" Greg asked seriously. Wordy nodded quickly.
"Course I trust you, yeah."
"You might not be the same person you were, you're going to be an even better version of that guy when you get through this."
Alright, it's late and I kind of skipped a big part of my outline. I think it'll fit better in the next chapter. Tell me what you think. Things are winding down a bit, maybe two or three more chapters but we'll see how long things get. Thanks!