This Friday will witness the much-anticipated release of Toph's autobiography, entitled what appears to be Huw J Soved Lha Wonld! Come pick up your copy of her retelling of the epic quest to bring an end to the Great War, told in her own words (since they're definitely not any words I've ever seen before). Critics from each nation are raving:

"Wait, how do you read this?" – The North Pole Times

"No, seriously, I can't understand this at all. Is this some sort of ancient script or something?" – The Daily Ba Sing Se

"Toph masterfully weaves an intricate coming-of-age tale of personal growth, angst, intense friendship, family, overcoming obstacles, and unrequited love… as far as I can tell." – The Fire Nation Chronicle

"I don't read books, but I'm sure it's great!" – Sokka, Southern Water Tribe war hero

"Brilliant! A work of pure genius!" – King Bumi of Omashu

Published by Wan Shi Tong Press, this is one upcoming release you won't want to miss! Pre-order today!

"Holy cow!" exclaimed Koh. "You're the Avatar! The real Avatar! I can't believe it!"

Aang bowed politely. "It's always nice to meet a fan," he said.

Koh lifted up a camera. "Let me get a picture, okay? Just one, please? Say cheese!"

"Cheese!" said Aang.

"Gotcha!" Koh zipped in.

"So, what we want to ask," shouted Aang over the Donkey Kong music, "is for you to train me in earthbending so I can master all four elements."

Toph struggled with the Playstation controller, moving it this way and that in the air. "Yeah, sure," she said curtly. "Just let me get to a good stopping point."

"And when will that be?" shouted Aang. "We're trying to save the world here!"

Toph turned the volume up. "Soon enough. Don't break my concentration!"

"That deaf, dumb and blind kid sure got a mean Donkey Kong!" sang Roger Daltrey.

"No," scolded Sokka.

The simple townsfolk gaped. "Who is that masked man?" one breathless woman gasped in awe.

The Blue Spirit bowed theatrically. "Call me Ishmael."

"Psh!" said Katara to the devastated airbender, pulling Toph closer. "I'm getting married for the money."

"So I was thinking that maybe I could make a sword before I go," said Sokka to Master Piandao with big eyes, his hands clamped together.

"Are you out of your freaking mind?!" exclaimed Master Piandao. "Do you have any idea how long it takes to forge a sword? Huh? Six freaking months! And that's if you're going at breakneck speed with a team of smithies! What would possibly give you the idea that you could forge one in a weekend?"

Sokka shrugged. "If I could master swordsmanship in a day, how hard could making a sword be?"

Piandao stared at him, then slouched his shoulders. "I'll get the furnace started."

Koh sat at his fifty computers, typing at each one with his clicking feet. "Hey, Hei Bai! Come over here!" he said excitedly. The panda spirit ambled over. "Check out this awesome online networking site I just discovered! It's called Facebook!"

People of earth, we're in trouble.

"I've got an idea!" said Azula. "Let's have a slumber party!"

"Yippee!" squealed Ty Lee. "Can we wear our jammies?"

"Of course," grinned Azula, rubbing her hands together. "Then we can all drink cactus juice, steal some kitchen knives, blow out the candles, and then-" she paused for effect, "whoever's still standing at sunrise is the winner!"

Everyone stared as she laughed manically.

"That sounds horrible," said Ty Lee. Her expression turned from shocked to thoughtful. "But I do love jammies."

"It's like an out of the body experience!" squealed Toph.

Meng snorted. "Shut up, floozy."

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" said Toph.

"Yes!" shrieked Roger Daltrey with glee. "Super Smash Brothers Brawl!" He jumped Toph's collection of game cartridges.

"Toph!" shouted Aang. "I need to save the world! Train me! I'm begging you!" He dropped to his knees.

"Uh, hello?" said Toph, putting her thumb in her ear and her pinky in front of her mouth to look like a phone. "Nope, sorry, playing video games with a rock legend here." She dropped her hand and shook her head sadly at Aang. "Sorry, she hung up."

"Rock legend," said Roger Daltrey, blushing. "You flatter me."

Zuko sat, cross-legged, aimlessly tossing bread morsels to the turtle ducks. With a fury of quacks and feathers they darted away, an ominous shadow falling over them. Azula had arrived.

"They're even more scared of you than usual," said Zuko absently.

Azula replied with a shrug, "Only because I made that turduckin the other day."

Aang collapsed, having been faked out once again, and watched from the ground as another shot went through the basket.

"Ha ha!" shouted Koh, doing his victory dance. "In your face!"

Aang groaned. "Do you have to say that every time?"

Long ago the four nations lived together in harmony. Then, everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked. Only the Avatar, master of all four elements, could stop them, but when the world needed him most, he vanished. Soon after, the Fire Nation wiped out the hairbenders completely, and now they threaten the very existence of the Water Tribe and Earth Kingdom. Without the Hair Nomads the world is in dissaray. Combs are worthless, scrunchies fall out, everyone wears bed-head style, and it is impossible to look nice for a date.

But I haven't lost hope. I still believe that somehow the Avatar will return to save the world, and he will master hairbending so my hair can finally stop looking so poofy.

Oh crap, he's bald.

Katara watched with panic as Aang's glowing body was lifted into the air by a windstorm. "I'm 112!" he bellowed at her. "Of course I'm bald!"

Sokka handed him a bottle. "Have you tried Rogaine?"

"Take this, too," said Sokka, passing the calmed Avatar a tube of tooth whitener and a breath mint. "I'm just sayin'."

And the Avatar state was triggered again.

"Yo!" boomed Shoji. "You mother-f***ers best get out my way!

I'm gonna dance all night and party all day!

I don't give a s*** what the headmaster say

And I'm not afraid of that a**-hole Hide!"

Aang buried his head in his hands. "I should never have told everyone to freestyle," he groaned to himself.

The Earth King and Bosco approached the Blue Spirit. "Now we'll discover who was behind all this for once and for all!" They removed his mask to reveal…

"Long Feng?!"

"That's right!" growled the angry man. "And I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling kids!" He pointed at Aang and the others as they took their bows.

At the sight of Appa Bosco flipped out, leaping into the Earth King's arms, stammering, "M-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-monster!" They scampered off.

Zuko slipped on the mask. "I'm feeling… Blue Spirited Away," he said in a menacing tone.

Uncle slapped his forehead. "We've got to work on your catch phrases, Nephew."

Lifting the swords, Zuko added, "Blade 2."

"Blade- Awwwww…" groaned Jet.

"Alright!" shouted Koh. "It's time to kick ass and take faces!"

Everyone stared. "Don't you mean, 'take names?'" someone said.

Koh shook his head definitively. "Nope."

"Hey, Toph, do you want to invite Samtana to play with us?" said Roger Daltrey. "We could bet Avatar on the game."

"Come on, Roger. You know he sucks at video games."

"Yeah, but it's so fun to watch him get flustered when he loses with Avatar on the line."

"Ha! He doesn't own Avatar now and he never will!"

"Pound it!"

Toph pounded it.

Aang glared at the blue humanoid with a tail who, while animated with the capacity for three dimensions, was actually as flat as a piece of paper, stumbling on its thin feet in order to remain standing. Finally Aang shouted in his face, "You are a disgrace to character development, you ugly sack of toilet residue! You are worse than a stereotypical zit on a stereotypical teenager!"

Jake Sully stumbled back. "I have already chosen my mate, but she has to choose me?" he stuttered.

Aang, the real Avatar, shoved him to the ground. "Go back to Disneyland, Pocahontas!" He spat on him and walked away.

Hahn stared at Toph, his tongue lolled out of his mouth in a goofy grin. Toph sneered at him. "What are you so excited about?" she snapped.

He drooled all over himself and sighed as if mesmerized, "…Perks…"

"I'll take you myself," said the Fire Nation general, facing off against the Painted Lady.

Katara gasped. "Long Feng?"

The Fire Nation General's eye twitched. "Who?" He said, but his sweating gave away that he knew more than he let on.

"Long Feng, The Earth King has invited you to Lake Laogi," Katara experimented cautiously.

The general dropped his stance, his pupils widening. "I am honored to accept his invitation."

He promptly stripped naked, grew a second head, and dove into the polluted river.

"Maria, Maria," cooed Shu.

"What?" said Oma. "Why are you calling me that?"

"You remind me of a West Side Story," said Shu, "with the sound of a guitar played by Carlos Santana."

"Well, you remind me of a moose," said Oma.

"Um, thanks," said Shu.

"Sokka," said Katara, gaping. "What are you doing with that huge scroll? I thought you don't read books."

"It's a phonebook," he replied with a curl at the end of his lips, not looking up from the page. "I'm looking up Princess Yue's number."

Katara and Aang looked at each other. "Um, Sokka?" she said. "Sokka, you can't…"

"Sh! I'm trying to concentrate! Yua, Yuala, Yuaya, Yuca… Here it is! Yue!" Sokka frowned. "It says, 'There is no such thing as a phone, dummy.' Huh." His eyes scanned up and down the page. "That's what it says for everyone."

Sokka turned to her with tears in his eyes. "Why didn't you tell me?!"

"That was as easy as stealing faces from a baby!"

"Oh!" Toph yelped. "Let's play Final Fantasy next!"

Aang stood up. "That's it! I've had it!" He thrust a finger into Toph's face. "You just lost a student. I'm finding another earthbending master!" He turned his accusing appendage to Roger Daltrey. "And you," he snarled. "I've never liked Tommy. Quadrophenia is a much better rock opera." He stormed out.

There was a brief silence. Toph shrugged. "Oh, well. He's finally gone. Hear that, Ozai?" she called over her shoulder. "He's gone!"

The closet door opened, revealing a very cramped Fire Lord. "About time!" He dusted himself off. "Now are you two ready for a real Super Smash Brothers fight?"

"You're on, buster!" smirked Toph. "This one's for Avatar, okay?"

List of things I don't own: Donkey Kong, Playstation, The Who and anything related (ie. Tommy, Quadrophenia, and Roger Daltrey), Super Smash Brothers, Final Fantasy, Rogaine, Scooby Doo, Spirited Away, Blade 2, Facebook, Avatar, West Side Story, "Maria," Carlos Santana, Moby Dick, and "Jammies."

-samtana