"Sure, we can make tons of money scamming people with your awesome earthbending powers," Sokka told Toph dismissively, his nose high in the air, his hand wobbling disapprovingly in front of his face. "Or!" His eyes lit up. "We can sell tickets to you and Katara fighting when you're supposed to be training Aang! We can call it 'female mud wrestling!'"

"I'd pay to watch it," said Zuko.

Everyone stared.

"What?"

Yo mamma's so ugly not even Koh the Face Stealer wants to see her smile.

Mai crossed her legs and closed her eyes, levitating into the air, and hummed, "Azarath Metrion Zinthos."

"I think I'm in love with you," said Raven.

Lock eyes from across the gloom

Shiver once as the fire booms

Glare at you and skip the names

No need here for the silly games

Think about the fight, don't make a sound

You're in that ship like you're on a cloud

I'm scared to death and the angels cry

'Cause you're the baddest dude in the world, Ozai

And I s*** in my pants

Don't tell your friends or I'll be in a rut

Plus I'm mad scared you're gonna kick my butt

And send that fireball into my gut

Now I'll go home and hide.

"Yeah!" chirped Aang. "And who keeps us laughing with sarcastic comments all the time? I mean, look at Katara's hair, right? What's up with that?"

"Oooooo eeee!" sang Deandre Cole. "What up with that? What up with that?"

"Why?" said a panicked Katara. "What's wrong with my hair?"

Deandre Cole sat down across from her. "All right!" he smiled jovially, catching his breath and combing back some of his sweaty hair. "My first guest is waterbender Katara from the South Pole! We're gonna start a little chittin'." He perked up at the sound of music picking up in the background. "We're gonna start a little chattin'. We're gonna chit! And chat! With this! And That! We're gonna find out why she don't cover her hair with a hat!" He leapt up as the band slid on stage. "Oooooo eeee! What up with that? What up with that?"

Aang groaned, "Maybe we should've just let this town burn down."

Yo mamma's so dumb she thinks Samtana owns Avatar.

"My name is Katara!" she shouted at Yon Rha. "You killed my mother! Prepare to die!"

"Guys, I've got some bad news," said a forlorn Zuko. "I've lost my stuff."

"Hm," said Toph. "How do you pronounce your name?"

"Um… Zuko."

"It's not Barbara Riddle?"

Zuko cocked his head. "Uh, no…?"

"Look," said Katara, standing up and jabbing Zuko in the chest. "Stop calling us, Zuko. We burned your bag. We s*** in it first."

"It's our policy," explained Aang. "S*** 'n burn. S*** 'n burn. S***. Burn. S*** again. Take a s***. Burn."

"This could be the plot of a very boring movie," groaned Eugene Mirman.

"And the Miss Four Nations winner is: Katara!" announced the delegates from the Order of the White Lotus. Katara strode up to the stage, her sparkling blue dress sprinkling bursts of light into everyone's star struck eyes. Each and every person in the audience was certain that the love they instantly discovered for her was the first instance of true love he had ever felt.

And then they j***ed in their pants.

"What are you going to be for Halloween?"

"Koh the Face Stealer!"

"Really? What kind of mask are you going to wear?"

"I… uh… good question!"

An ominous gust of wind blew through the Cave of Two Lovers, carrying with it the sound of a distant wailing saxophone. "It must be the curse!" wailed Chong. "Sergio is coming!"

Sokka arched his eyebrow. "Sergio?"

With that the wall of the cave exploded, and in jumped the sexy, half-naked, gyrating, tsungi horn-weilding… Uncle Iroh. Playing the horn all the while, he sauntered up to Katara and wiggled his fat hips suggestively at her face, the voluptuous sound echoing throughout the cavern.

Chong scratched his head. "Where's Sergio?"

Iroh took the horn from his mouth and grinned seductively at them, saying in a breathy near-whisper: "SergIroh!"

"Falcor, yip yip!"

"That man's being attacked by a platypus bear!" yelled Aang.

"Quick! Play dead!" Sokka urged. "He'll lose interest!"

"Sokka!" scolded Katara. "You know that's only a rumor that bears spread!"

"She's right," said Bosco.

Aang's eyes filled with water. "But… I thought…"

"Well, Aunt Wu said I would marry a powerful bender," said Katara.

"So, you can bite my shiny metal a$$!" said Bender.

"We found it!" cried Katara. "We found the Northern Water Tribe!"

"Great," groaned Appa. "Now will you let me out of this mother f***ing ice trap? I'm freezing my a$$ off here."

It's because he says stuff like that all the time that Appa was bleeped out throughout the show.

"Us, kissing!" Katara laughed. "Can you imagine that?"

"Yeah," chuckled Aang. "I do every night."

Katara stared blankly at him.

"And then," Aang continued sheepishly, "I imagine pulling the blanket over our heads and moving my hand down to [-Censored-] all over your [-Censored-] with thirty feet of rope and [-Censored-] Cameron Diaz watching as we [-Censored-] until we're too exhausted and happy to breathe."

"Wow," said a wide-eyed Katara, an excited smile growing on her face. "I don't think I even want to find the exit anymore!"

"Names? Of course we have names!" fumbled Zuko. "I'm… Lee. This is my uncle, uh… Mushi."

Song put her hands on her hips and stared coldly at the banished prince. "Look, if you're going to take the trouble of being secretive about your real names, you should've thought of fake names before you came here, dummy."

"Darn tootin'!" chirped Mr. Pippinpaddleopsikopolis III.

"You have to attack it head on," said Toph. "And when I mean head on, I mean like this!" She jumped on the rock, shattering it to pieces.

"Oh, you mean like when we went to Roku's island and I smashed through that fireball," said Aang.

Katara shook her head. "I think she means like when you smashed Zuko's fireball into the ice cliff and ruined his ship."

"No," said Aang. "I think she means like when I beat the Rough Rhino leader by jumping straight into his fireball attack."

"I actually mean the opposite of this," said Toph, tossing her smirking head over to Aang, who dropped it in bewilderment.

List of things I don't own: Teen Titans, "What Up With That," "J**Z In My Pants," "The Curse," The Princess Bride, "God is a Twelve-Year-Old Boy With Asbergers" (by Eugene Mirman, but most of the dialogue I used was voiced by Larry Murphy), Neverending Story, Futurama,