Chapter Nine: Lionblaze
I know you're supposed to love your littermates and kin (that worked so well with Crowfeather and Breezepelt) but I really hate Hollyleaf right now.
It's like she's purposely trying to torture me. She and Foxleap waltz around camp all the time tails twined acting grossly moony over each other. And every time I see them I get to think, 'Hey that could have been you! Then you screwed it up!', so excuse me if I'm a little cross.
Strangely enough Jayfeather seems to be mad at her too. Maybe he feels left out, I thought when she came back we would be the way we were before, always having adventures together and knowing each other better than anyone. But there's a divide between us and I can't see the bottom no matter how far down I look. So there's bitterness adding to the pain. Yep can't wait to hate! Great StarClan I hate myself.
I need to talk to Jayfeather.
"Hey Jayfeather?" I call outside his den.
"What?" he yowls from inside. Sounds like a good time. (I'm serious.)
"Hey just checking up on my only brother." I mew. Jayfeather shoots me a what-is-going-on-and-will-you-just-tell-me-or-are-you-going-to-make-me-guess-and-lose-my-patientce-and-make-me-go-in-your-mind look.
"Um it's about Hollyleaf." I mew sheepishly.
"Sit down, I'm just sorting herbs."
"He called her 'the only thing that makes his life worth living'." I mew in disgust, well more like fear, because at the moment I'm not sure if there's anything that makes my life worth living.
Jayfeather snorts, "What happened to 'the eternal flame of love that will light my life forever'?" he mews snidely. I shrug tiredly.
"Maybe he thought it wasn't good enough. Why do you care anyway?"
"Why do you care?" Jayfeather asks, answering my question with a question, forcing me to accept that he is right.
"I don't know." I sigh, "Should we care so much?" Jayfeather shrugs and walks over to me.
"You're tired Lionblaze. Emotionally and physically, you've been working you're tail off for I don't even know how long. Rest; whoever you're trying to prove yourself to I'd consider them proven." He mews to be with a trace of the old sibling care that I crave. "And if you ever need to come complain to me about Hollyleaf for no reason, I'm right here." He swats my shoulder playfully with his tail.
"Thanks Jayfeather, you're right." I mew.
"I know I am," he mews as smug as ever, "Now go, get some sleep for StarClan's sake." I trudge out of his den, sticking to the shadows to avoid Hollyleaf and Cinderheart. It would hurt too much to see her.
Can't she tell I love her?
No!
I've got to stop this – if I don't stop thinking about her I'll go crazy! Then again maybe I already am.
The warriors den is empty except for Poppyfrost; she's really enjoying being a warrior again after those moons shut up in the nursery. Apparently she actually cares about her – no! Anyway her duties have been leaving her a little drained, you would think chasing after Cherrypaw and Molepaw when they were kits would be just as good as a patrol (it sure looked exhausting to me) but she still hasn't gotten back into her original routine.
"Hey Lionblaze! You've remembered where the den is! But I bet with all those nights out you've forgotten where your nest is though." She calls with warmth in her mew. We had trained as apprentices together; I'd been there at her warrior ceremony and yowled for her and Honeyfern.
I should have been able to save her.
She was a good cat and I was glad for her kindness. Even though I remembered exactly where my nest had been, right next to Cinderheart's, the one with a different cat's scent in it.
"You can put yours here with me and Berrynose, he won't mind."
"Thanks." I murmur to her slipping into the extra nest she'd indicated with her tail.
"I'm sorry about Cinderheart." She mews quietly. Cinderheart is her sister, so maybe she wants to help. "I learned a little something about love from Berrynose; it's completely and totally unpredictable. One day you're on top of the world, the next you want to crawl under a rock and die. Am I wrong?" She asks. I nod my in agreement because she's so right.
"You want to know why Cinderheart's been acting so horribly? Because she does have feelings for you; and for whatever reason she's decided that she's not good enough for you. Don't ask me how I know Lionblaze, she's my sister I know her, and I think she's a complete and total mousebrain because in my opinion you two are perfect for each other, besides she couldn't ask for a better mate. And I don't want details, it's none of my business, but her feelings for you are driving her nuts because she's gone all stubborn and won't think straight. I can tell that you care about her; I see it in everything you do. The way you try to get close to her, and look like she's torn your heart out when she walks away. She's my sister and I want her to be happy. The only cat that can make her happy – I'm talking in the whole world – is you. So what in the name of StarClan are you waiting for?"
"I-I don't know. A way to get close to her again?" I stammer, the depth of Poppyfrost's speech still weighing on me.
"Hmmm. Good point. I'm not sure how to fix that, except for you to try, try, try again!" she mrrows with laughter for a moment and I join in, letting go for the first time in moons. "Well we better get to sleep," she mews giving my ear a gentle lick, like a mother comforting her kits, "You look dead on your paws and I'm sure I don't look much better." I nod then slip into sleep, hoping to restore my mangled mind and body.
I wake to a nightmare. The Dark Forest looms into view around me. My heart starts racing, in my throat, StarClan save me! This is the only place I've ever been wounded. Home to the only cat I'm afraid of.
Tigerstar.
Like he deserves a leader name.
"Welcome home Lionblaze." The fox-hearted traitor himself appears from the mist.
"This is not my home!" I snarl, letting my claws slide out.
"Are you sure? Then how did you come to be here?" he asks superiorly.
"You brought me here!" I yowl, letting fear take over.
"Did I?" Tigerstar mews, his voice weaving doubt through my mind. "The final war is coming and you have a chance to come back to the winning side."
"NEVER! I am no traitor!" I spit with fury.
"Oh really? I could bring back all your secrets, Lionblaze. Your heart is rotten with them; we aren't really that different, you know." Tigerstar hisses quietly, I know this voice,
"NO! You'll never trick me again! I made the right choice to leave!"
"So why has everything in your life gone from bad to worse? It all started after you left." Tigerstar, nope I refuse, he doesn't deserve a leader name, Tigerclaw hisses slyly.
"Most of that started way before I was born! You will never use me again!" I hiss back.
"You know I could hurt them, Lionblaze. All of them, any cat you care, or cared, about, I can make blood run from their throats. And I'm sure your dear Clanmates would love to hear about your time here. I can screw up your life worse than Leafpool screwed up her own life."
"How do you know about that?" I ask my blood cold.
"Because I know everything, I am everywhere, and I will not rest until we have our vengeance! The forest is no longer safe for you! Listen." Suddenly the eerie quietness vanishes and in its place is the terrifying sound of battle training, with unsheathed claws, training for blood, and training with living breathing cats. From every Clan cats fight, betraying their families and friends, none of us are safe.
"You have one more chance, join us Lionblaze, and we will make you one of the greatest leaders ever, Lionstar will be a name for legends! We can win her back Lionblaze." For a moment, one terrifying moment, I can see it, me ruling with Cinderheart by my side admiration on her face, but too many cats are missing, it's too dark and there is too much blood. When I look to the sky the stars have disappeared. Fear sizes every nerve in my body,
"NO!" I wail, "I will never join you!"
"Then you will die! And your soul will be lost forever to darkness!" Tigerclaw springs forward signaling with his tail, dozens of cats burst from the shadows, murder in their eyes.
"I trust you Great StarClan! So please save me now!" I wail to the starless sky.
"Fool!" Tigerclaw yowls, "Those weaklings cannot save you here!"
"There you are wrong." A strange smell drifts to my nose, sweet and reassuring, it doesn't belong here. A tortishell she-cat is by my side, this is Spottedleaf, the cat Jayfeather told me about. "Have faith strong one," she whispers to me as the cats pounce and we vanish.
I collapse in sunlit grass, shivering and my heart racing.
"Hush brave one," Spottedleaf murmurs standing over me, "You are safe now, you are home, you will never be alone." She sings it softly and it calms my fears, slowly I drift away to sleep.
I wake up, and night air surrounds me. I need to see Jayfeather. I haul myself up and see a cat at the entrance, but not just any cat, Jayfeather. Staring at Icecloud with love in his eyes. Oh foxdung!