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-Echosong
Chapter Nineteen: Hollyleaf
I'm going to have kits! I've never felt like this in my life! (Well the life I can remember anyway.) I still can't believe it, we've only been mates a few moons, in my last memory Foxleap was a kit. Now we're about to have kits! Is that bad? I seriously cannot believe this!
I need to see Jayfeather. I don't care what he's done he's still a medicine cat and my brother. But, uh, I think he's dead to the rest of the Clan. When I walk in he's sorting herbs and he draws back like he's expecting me to attack him.
"Jayfeather, are you okay?" I mew worriedly.
"Hollyleaf, aren't you mad at me?" He asks in surprise.
"No why would I be?" I mew, ignoring the huge reason why I would be.
"Oh," he mews visibly relaxing, "What do you want?"
"Um to talk to you." I mutter.
"I need to check on your kits, I'm sorry I forgot." Jayfeather mews, shaking his head with the realization.
"It's fine." I assure him and he pads over and starts sniffing me.
"Oh, that's strange." He mews, frown as confusion clouds his blind eyes.
"Strange?" I mew quickly.
"You're farther along than I thought you'd be…it's like your pregnancy's speeding up…" he sits in front of me, blind eyes staring like you would if you were thinking hard, "No that's impossible. Everyone goes at a different rate. You'll slow down soon enough."
Still not entirely reassured I mew, "I wanted to talk to you about me and Foxleap, I mean in my last memory he was just a kit, I was only an apprentice, isn't this wrong?'
"No." He mews reassuringly with a small smile, "You're last memory may have been as a paw but you settled back into camp as a warrior – that's who you are now. As for Foxleap, he has been a warrior for ages. You have nothing to worry about. But I have a question for you."
"What?" I mew, interested.
"Do you think Icecloud wants kits?" He asks sounding apprehensive.
I sigh uneasily, he loves her so much! How can I tell him that what he wants so much scares me? So bad. Maybe I shouldn't. His sharp attitude has softened; he's not the grouchy, resentful apprentice that he used to be, he's grown up and he can make his own decisions. Even if they're bad deadly ones. Okay now I feel even worse, no more talking to myself!
"Um, well," I mew remembering that Jayfeather had asked me a question, "I don't know. Before I fell in love I was worried about being expected to have kits. Then I fell in love, and everything changed. I don't know about Icecloud, though I do think she would want to wait. With Foxleap and me, it's so rushed. I won't lie to you I'm having second thoughts, but I love Foxleap and I know he will always be there for me. That's all you have to do for Icecloud." He looks at me (still kind of creeping me out) thankfully.
"Thanks, Hollyleaf. I want you to come back regularly, your kits… I have a bad feeling…" he trails off frowning.
"What's wrong with them?" I mew fear freezing my blood.
"Not them, you're… just forget I said anything. You're fine." He mews not meeting my eyes. He's scaring me.
"I want you to get Icecloud and Foxleap back together. They miss each other, I know it." He mews abruptly, glancing up.
"You're right. I'll try, I promise." I mew, glad to focus on something I can control. I slip out of the den and suddenly I'm thrown into blackness.
"Hollyleaf! What are you doing?" Jayfeather's mew rings in my ears. Fury floods through me… betrayed, she betrayed us... then horror... what have I done? If they knew… there's no other choice… no other way out.
"Leave me alone!" I snarl, letting my fury out on my brother, the inside of me cringes, I'm horrible! What have I done? Horror rips my heart apart; I'm hardly walking, just stumbling through my blind fury, hate courses through me as I have never known. But at who? I can't tell… then it's all over.
My vision clears and the waves of emotions leave me. I stumble in shock as the clear, light day comes into focus around me. I have to dig my claws into the ground to steady myself. I stay stationary for a long time slowing my frantic heartbeat. It is too late when I realize that I had remembered something. That was a memory! But it's fading, I can only hold onto traces, just the swirl of feelings, nothing more. Maybe that's good, the memory scared me.
"Hollyleaf?" I look up. Foxleap stands before me, concern evident in his amber eyes, "Are you okay?"
"Oh yes, I'm fine." I lie quickly.
"Oh, I was worried." He steps closer letting his scent drift over me, chasing away my fear and uncertainty.
"I actually need to talk to you." I mew remembering my promise.
"What is it?" he mews playfully, a mischievous light in his eyes.
"It's about Icecloud." It's as if someone put out the warm fire that always lives in him. All the light disappears from his eyes, and he closes up immediately.
"What about her?" His voice isn't angry, just completely devoid of all emotion, like he's cut her out of his heart.
"That she's your sister!" I exclaim angrily, "No matter what she did she's family. And you care about her, I know you do, and if you don't then I don't think you're the cat I want to be the father of my kits."
He steps back like I had attacked him. Then he whispers, "You cannot be okay with what they've done."
"It bothers me yes, but I already lost my brothers once and nothing, I repeat nothing will make me lose him again. I refuse to let you lose Icecloud. It. Won't. Happen."
"I miss her!" He confesses, "But look what she's done!"
"So? She's happy. Isn't that all you want for her?" I ask him softly.
"That and for her to, oh I don't know, live! Do you know what StarClan will do to her?" he demands, fear suddenly glowing in his eyes.
"Nothing, they let it happen." I reply stoically.
He rolls his eyes, "If you believe Firestar."
"Why shouldn't I believe him?" Foxleap looks at me sadly, but says nothing. I flick my tail crossly.
"Well?" I prompt him.
"Fine, I will try to talk to her, but she might claw my ears off before I get the chance." He points out sourly.
"If you're really as close as you think you are, she'll feel the same way." I insist and he nods, looking like he's resigning himself to the worst.
Icecloud's pale pelt then appears in the thorn tunnel, she walks quickly head down dropping her share of prey on the pile. She's been hunting, alone, again.
"Hey," Foxleap mews walking up to her. She turns to him rigid with shock,
"Hey." She mews back, green eyes full of hope.
"We need to talk, let's go to the forest," he mews quietly to her. They walk out and I see them as kits, bouncing around each other, full of happy lightness.
Not long after they return, Icecloud goes to the warriors den and Foxleap comes over to me where I'm eating a particularly fat squirrel.
"Thank you." He mews wrapping around me, "And did I hear right? Are we having kits?"
"Oh! I'm sorry I thought you knew! But yes we are I can't believe it. Can you?" I gush and Foxleap's face lights up with happiness.
"No, but if they're anything like their mother, they'll be wonderful."
"Like me?" I mew pretending to be indignant, "Like you, you mean!"
"Never!" He mews with fake shock playing along. I swat him playfully with my paw and then go back to my squirrel. When I finish Foxleap mews hurridly,
"Should you see Jayfeather?"
"I was just there," I mew watching him closely, why was he acting like this?
"You should go again though, just to be sure." He persists.
"Uh I don't –" but Foxleap cuts me off as he stands up,
"Come on, let's go." I stand up glaring at the back of his head as he walks away.
"Hollyleaf, are you all right?" Jayfeather asks as we walk in.
"I'm fine. But not according to him." I spit bitterly. Foxleap shoots me a 'what's up?' look and I glare in response.
"I just wanted you to check on our kits…" Foxleap mews uncertainly.
"I already did." Jayfeather mews patiently.
"I just thought that you could never be too careful..." Foxleap mews, trailing off uncertainly.
Jayfeather shrugs and walks to me. He does the examination again, but pauses when he reaches my stomach.
"What's wrong?" I mew.
"It's bigger…" he mews sounding baffled.
"I just ate a really big squirrel." I mew praying that that's all it is. Jayfeather flicks his tail thoughtfully.
"Come back tomorrow, before you eat." He decides at last, "Other than that, you're fine." I stalk out of the den in front of Foxleap, and when he catches up, he mews,
"What was that all about?"
"I told you I already went! I can take care of myself you know!" I snap frowning at him.
"Oh, I didn't mean it like that I'm sorry." He mews quickly, looking stricken.
"It's fine," I mew flicking my tail, "I'm going to rest, I'll see you later." I walk back to the shade of the warriors den, fearing the darkness that seems to be lurking at the edges of my mind.