I don't have to wait long to tell Cartman about Mark.
When I walk through my door that night after work, I see Cartman sitting on my bed.
"Took you long enough Jew," he says.
I lock my door behind me, "This is my normal time to get home Fatass, not that you'd know being as you only come over when I'm about to fall asleep," I say, hurling my response at him like an accusation.
Cartman raises his eyebrow at me curiously.
"Who pissed in your cheerios?" he asks.
Of course I've been going through hell this entire day and he has no idea that anything is even wrong, which just pisses me off more.
"Forget it," I growl.
The truth is it's not really fair to be mad at Cartman. He hasn't done anything differently to me lately, like try to hurt me, or even really insult me. In fact he's been the same he's always been. This is all my own personal self-made hell. I take a deep breath.
"Forget it," I say again, calmer now, "What's up?"
"Ok, finally! I thought you'd never ask. So I won that bitch of a court case today! I mean I like literally had the entire jury eating out of my hand. Man what a thrill! It never gets old!"
Of course manipulative Cartman found his perfect career choice in becoming a criminal defense attorney. The juries love him and he's manipulated his way into winning several un-winnable cases for his clients. Which equals fame and notoriety, and Cartman's never been one to pass those up.
Whenever I see him in our local paper after a court victory, I feel really proud. Sometimes I wish I could clip out the stories to save them but that would be really gay and Cartman would make fun of me if he ever saw them, so I usually just sorta hug my newspaper with a smile and congratulate him when I see him. He is amazing at what he does, and part of me likes to credit myself with helping him hone his argumentation skills when he was growing up.
"That's awesome, dude! We should celebrate."
"That's why I'm here Jew!"
Ok, so that's pretty cute that he wants to celebrate with me and I guess sex is a celebration of sorts, even if it isn't quite a dinner out with champagne or anything.
I put my hands on his shoulders, and kiss his lips softly, "Congratulations," I murmur against them.
His lips curve into a smile and he runs his fingers through my hair, gently resting his hand in my curls.
I move my hands up to his face and continue kissing him gently, teasing him with light kisses, until he takes charge and crushes my lips with increasing pressure. His lips move down to my neck, and as he nips at it I let out a little moan.
"Ooh...Cartman."
He runs his thumb over the spot on my neck that he was just sucking and starts a trail of kisses down my neck, unbuttoning my shirt as he starts to kiss lower.
"Mark from work asked me out today," I blurt out.
Cartman's hands still on the button on my shirt that he'd been about to unbutton, and he looks up at me.
"And?" he says
"And I told him I was sort of seeing someone."
Cartman nods and goes back to unbuttoning my shirt. I can't believe this is when I brought up the Mark situation. I had to tell him NOW? I resolve to keep my lips pressed together, lest my brain thinks it's wise to blurt out something else to kill the mood.
Cartman slips his hands under my unbuttoned shirt and with a feather like touch rubs my nipples. I shiver and moan at the same time.
"So anything else happen at work today?" he asks.
"No," I reply
He reaches into my boxers, and asks again, "No?"
"N-oo," I say with a strangled voice, as he starts slowly stroking me.
I bury my head in his shoulder, biting down on him, as I try to steady myself, which is obviously a lost cause.
Just when I think I couldn't get any harder, he stops.
"Out with it, Jew."
"Wh-what?" I ask, my brain completely fuzzy, "Don't stop Cartman."
"You have something you want to tell me, Jew, and I want to know what it is."
"No I don't Cartman, just keep going," I say putting his hand back down where it was, but he refuses to move it.
"You think I can't tell when my Jew has a secret? Puh-lease Kahl. I can read you better than I can my own mother."
I'm still hard but realizing he's not going to help with that until I give him what he wants.
"It's nothing, Cartman...it's just I was wondering..."
"Wondering..." He prods encouragingly.
"Wondering what we're doing."
He looks at me like I truly am insane.
"I thought it was pretty apparent what we're doing Kahl," he says looking down at my erection poking through my boxers.
"Not now, what we're doing. I mean what we're doing in general."
"In general," he repeats.
"Like what are we?"
"We're Cartman and Kahl."
"Right, but like what ARE we?"
"Ohmygod Kahl, are you seriously making us have the talk right now?"
"I'm not the one who wanted to talk about this now, YOU DID!" I retort.
"Wait. So the reason you've been all quietly pissed off tonight is because you want to know if we're boyfriends?"
"Well yeah, basically," I say, biting my lip, scared, waiting to see what he says.
""
"OHMYGOD KAHL MWHAHAHAHAHAH. OHMYGOD I'M CRYING KAHL. LIKE REAL TEARS. MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH."
"STOP FUCKING LAUGHING FATASS"
"Ohmygod Kahl that is SO GAY. Kahl, SOOOOOOOOOO Gay."
"Shut the fuck up fat fuck," I yell, pushing him.
"You want to daaaaaaateeee meeeee, you want to marrrrry me, omg Kahl you've been watching wayyyyyy too many chick flicks. Like Serious-lah."
"Gone with the Wind is NOT a chick flick asshole. It's a CLASSIC movie!"
"Uh yeah, a classic CHICK FLICK movie."
"Fuck you!"
"No seriously though Kahl, we can't be boyfriends because I'm not gay like that. But we can still totally be Cartman and Kahl if thats coo."
"YES YOU ARE GAY LIKE THAT. YOU'RE IN BED WITH ANOTHER GUY, HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU NOT GAY?"
"Well I mean yeah, technically, I guess this is pretty gay, but it's not like Big Gay Al gay you know?" Of course Cartman the now practiced litigator remains completely calm as he utters this ridiculous statement.
"Yes," I say, "I understand perfectly."
"I don't think you do," Cartman says.
"Oh I do, trust me, I hear you loud and clear," I say resenting him more and more with every word I spit out.
"Then why are you still pissed off?"
"I'm not pissed off."
"Right Kahl, you're not pissed off, and I have no idea who Clyde Frog is. But, if I like take you out on a faggy date will everything be ok?"
"I DON'T WANT YOU TO TAKE ME ON A FAGGY DATE ASSHOLE!" And I don't. I don't want to have to drag him on a date. I want him to WANT to take me out on one. Which he clearly hasn't wanted to on his own, or he would have done so in the past freaking year that we've been...yeah.
"Wait, so I don't want to go on a faggy date, and you don't want to go out on a faggy date with me, but you're mad that we don't go on faggy dates that neither of us want to go on?" Cartman asks.
"YES!" I say, getting even more pissed off with him that he's made it sound completely ridiculous that I would want to go outside my goddamn bedroom for once in our lives, like NORMAL people.
"What if we lit some of those like cheesy candles and stuff?" Cartman suggests.
'Perfect Cartman. We'll just stay in the bedroom some more, but DECORATE! Why didn't I think of that?' I think sarcastically.
"Whatever, Cartman" I say bitterly, reaching for my pants.
The mood is totally ruined. Usually when we argue it just makes the sex even better, but now I don't even want him touching me. Not after he basically just told me that after an entire year of sleeping together that he's never considered us to be a couple, that he's essentially gay by default, that he practically died laughing at the idea of us being together in the long term, and the only thing he wants to do with me is have sex. I know that I can't continue having sex with him knowing all this, as amazing as everything with us has been. The whole thing will just make me feel cheap now that I know it's nothing to him but sex. Well now that it's all gone to hell anyways, I might as well ask-
"Are you sleeping with anyone else?" I throw out at him angrily
"What the fuck kind of question is that Kahl?" he says, in disbelief.
"Just curious. Wondering if you take other people out in public."
"You're being crazy Kahl. Is this about Mark?"
"What the fuck does Mark have to do with anything?" I ask.
"I don't know Kahl, one minute you're telling me he asked you out and the next minute you're practically dying to get me to leave."
"Mark has nothing to do with anything, but you're right, I do want you to leave."
"Kahl-" he says reaching for me.
I take a step back so he can't touch me.
"Cartman, you should go."
"Kahl, stop, we can talk about this, I don't think you get what I'm saying."
I feel tears coming on so I tell him, "I think we've talked enough for one night Cartman, in fact I think we've talked enough forever, so if you're not gonna go then I am," and with that I turn around and walk out of my apartment. I don't know where I'm going, but I do know that the second the door closes I have tears streaming down my face so hard that I can't see anything.
I start somewhat blindly running, rubbing at my eyes, feeling ridiculous. Here I am, a grown up guy, crying over my stupid- whatever he is, fuck buddy? Enemy with benefits?
Somehow my feet carry me to Starks Pond, which I didn't even realize I was running to until I got there. Cartman once tried to kill me with a wiffle bat here, so it's kinda apropos. The weather is freezing and in my haste to leave of course I forgot to take a jacket and my fucking shirt is still hanging open, unbuttoned. I can't even go back home to get a jacket because Cartman might be there, wanting to "talk" some more. Thank you Cartman we've heard more than enough from you tonight.
I button my shirt, and I wipe my eyes and nose- trying to get myself together. I'm not sure where to go from here. What am I supposed to do? Continue sleeping with him for the amazing sex, even though I know that's all he wants from me? Look for a normal boyfriend who takes his shirt off when we sleep together, and takes me on proper dates? Someone who could never have the sizzling connection Cartman and I have taken a lifetime building together?
As fucked up as Cartman is, we just fit together. He gets everything about me. I don't have to explain my moods, or hissy fits, or explosions. He's seen them his whole life- what did he say tonight? Something about being able to read me better than anyone else- that true for me too. I know him inside and out, his selfishness, his narcissism, his sometimes sociopathic tendencies, his cross-dressing, his stuffed animal friends- they don't surprise me the way they would with someone else who was just getting to know him now. And someone who didn't understand all the badness in him wouldn't be able to appreciate his goodness as much. How kind he is to animals, how much he fights for things he believes in, how he's not afraid to have an unpopular view, how he always makes me laugh, how giving he is in bed, oh god in bed with him...yeah so basically, Cartman's ruined me for anyone else. Great.
But I meant what I said. Yes, we fit together, and yes he knows me better than anyone else, blah blah blah but I can't continue being with him if he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. I have more respect for myself than that. I wait awhile longer by Starks Pond and take the long way home. When I get back to my place I hesitantly open the door. He's gone and everything looks just like I left it this morning. I can almost pretend to myself that he never came over tonight, and everything is still normal. Almost.