A week of absolute misery passes before I wake up with a new resolve. I will not be in love with someone who doesn't love me back. Obviously easier said than done, but I can at least take the first step.

The first thing I do when I get to work is march over to Mark's desk.

Mark looks up from his computer, "Hey Kyle," he says.

"Hey Mark, if you still wanted to go get a drink sometime, I'm available," I tell him. Good work Kyle, I tell myself.

Mark smiles, "Definitely, Kyle."

Since that was as far as I'd planned in the speech I'd practiced this morning in the mirror, I smile and nod and head back over to my desk.

Mark follows me back, "Did you wanna try for tonight?" he asks.

"Tonight," I repeat.

"Yeah, or whenever's good."

"Tonight's good," I say. As good as a night will ever be for going out with someone random while I'm still in love with someone else.

"Cool," he says smiling.

I feel shitty. Mark seems genuinely excited at the prospect of going out with me, and my head is completely not into it. This is entirely a let's get over our ex with a rebound thing, not a let's start fresh with someone new thing. I should tell him.

"I just stopped seeing that other guy, so it might be too soon for this, but I thought why not try you know?"

Mark nods, "Exactly, no better way."

I feel a little better.

"Cool."

After work, we walk over to the bar just down the street from our office.

The second I sit down across from him, I realize that the only way I'm going to be able to get through this is to get completely drunk.

And I do.

After my sixth drink I'm ticking off the things on my fingers that Cartman did that pissed me off.

"And he never took me out for dinner, or even for drinks, and it's so freaking simple to take someone out for drinks you know? DRINKS. Drinks like we're out for drinks and we don't even know each other, no offense Mark, and I knew him my whole life and he didn't even take me. Not to mention out for food! I mean he loves food for god sakes, he is freaking mister blueberry pancakes donut surprise guy, and..."

Mark is nodding even though he obviously has no idea what I'm talking about and is definitely regretting asking a psychopath out for drinks.

After my ninth drink I tell Mark that I was in love with Cartman, but that he only wanted me for sex.

Then before he can respond I go to the bathroom to pee and throw up.

As I push open the door to the men's room, I see Cartman peeing at the urinal. I close my eyes and open them again. He's still there. I try to open my eyes as wide as possible with a little help from my fingers, because he is a little blurry around the edges but it still looks exactly like Cartman.

"Jew," he says, nodding as he zips up his pants.

"Cartman, what are you doing here? This is the bar right down the block from my work, which is up the block from my work, wait is the bar thats" I trail off, thinking I maybe told him that already.

"Are you drunk?" he asks.

"No, I'm jus a little tipsy, you know," I say as I try to walk in a straight line towards the urinal. I succeed with just a bit of wobbling.

"You are totally trashed," he says, a smile playing on his lips, "How much did you have to drink?"

"Um 9 drinks, but the last 4 don't count because they really tasted just like plain cranberry juice without any vodka inside" I tell him in confidence.

"So 5 real drinks, and four fake drinks?" He asks me with smiling eyes.

"Cartman your eyes are smiling!" I tell him.

"Probably cause you're pretty fucking funny Jew," he tells me.

"I need to pee," I tell him, as I attempt to unzip my pants. It is literally impossible. I try to hop them off, which doesn't work either.

"C'mere," he says.

"What are you gonna do?" I ask him.

"Help you unzip your pants," he responds.

"Oh ok," I say. In one like magic motion he has them completely unzipped.

"You are amazing at unzipping pants," I tell him.

He starts laughing, "I've had a lot of practice with you"

I don't want to think about that right now. "Ok Cartman I'm going to pee now"

"So Pee"

"You have to turn around"

He rolls his eyes, but turns around.

Then I find that it's impossible to aim my hand correctly to reach into my boxers.

"I can't get it out," I tell him.

He turns back around to face me. "I'll help you"

"NO! Cartman! Are you crazy? You can't touch my dick!" I say, dropping my voice to a whisper when I say dick.

"Why the hell not? I've touched it a million times before," He says.

"Yeah, that was when we were TOGETHER. But you can't touch someone's dick when you are broken up with them."

"Jew, I touched it less than a week ago, I think I'm allowed to touch it one extra time to help you pee. We'll include it in the million times I touched it before ok?

I think about that for a second. "Ok, but only because we're pretending this is last week."

"Ok," he says, standing behind me and putting his hand inside my boxers and taking it out and aiming it so I can pee. After I'm done he shakes it off a few times. A few seconds later he's still holding it.

He whispers in my ear, "If we're pretending this is last week..." and he spins me around, and God help me it's the alcohol, but I can't think of one single reason that I shouldn't do this, and our lips crash together and it feels so right, and I can't believe I'd ever willingly decide to stop kissing him, when kissing him feel as good as this feels. It's frantic and hurried, because we're in a bathroom, and somewhere in the back of my mind I know I'm on a date with someone else, and Cartman and I aren't together and we only have a few minutes and I break the kiss and turn around and he pulls down my boxers and my hands are pressed against the wall for support, and then Cartman's inside of me, and I'm biting my lip to keep from moaning out loud, but then he's touching my dick just like he knows I like it and I lean my head backwards onto his shoulder and whisper moans into his ear, and he stiffens and then let's go inside me, as I let out a final moanand release into the urinal.

As he's cleaning us both up, I tell him, "We shouldn't have done that."

"Because we're not together?" He asks.

"That, and I'm on a date right now," I tell him sadly.

"You're on a DATE right now?" he asks in disbelief.

"Yeah with Mark from work," I say.

"The guy you broke up with me for," he says.

"I didn't break up with you for him, but I did go out with him tonight to try to get over you," I tell him with drunk honesty.

"Why are you trying to get over me when you can have me?" he asks.

"Because I can't have you in the way I need to have someone," I tell him.

He nods. "I miss you, Jew"

I close my eyes tightly. I will not cry. I will get over him. In fact I am on a date right now to get over him and I will go back to Mark and start getting over Cartman immediately.

"I need to get back to..." I trail off, gesturing to the door.

"See you around," he says, walking out of the bathroom before I can.

I let just a few tears fall, before splashing myself with water and walking back out to Mark.