The next morning I wake up naked, spooning Cartman. I guess somehow my body must have found his during the night, because I definitely wasn't touching him when I fell asleep last night.

I get out of bed and go back to the living room to put on my boxers and shirt, and then head to one of the bathrooms for some teeth brushing and freshening up. When I head back to the bedroom, I see he had the same idea when he comes out of the master bathroom. He looks adorable with his hair all messed up from sleep, and I really want to kiss him.

And it's crazy, because technically neither of us is seeing anyone else, and a week ago we were kissing, last night we were having sex, and we should be allowed to kiss now, but its just really not a good idea if I don't want to slip back into things with him.

'He only wants you for sex,' I say to myself sternly. Ok, that's better. I still want to kiss him, but at least now I'm a little more determined not to.
I take a very quick peek at his lips, which look soft and pillowy. He's an amazing kisser.

I lick mine. 'Control yourself Kyle.'

He looks at me bemusedly.

"How's it going?" he asks.

"Rough," I respond.

"You can kiss me, you know. I don't mind," he says.

"Actually Cartman," I say, attempting to ignore the comment, "I believe you owe me a look at you with your shirt off."

"Actually Kahl, I said you could only see me with my shirt off if we had sex one last time, and then I so generously gave you the option to play me for it, in which you lost, so technically I don't owe you anything unless you choose to have sex with me again, which soberly, I don't think is going to happen," he says with his litigator voice.

"So you're not going to show me?"

"No, Kyle. Some breakfast though?" He asks in his generous voice.

"You are so infuriating! You totally planned this!"

"How could I have planned this Kahl? You called me," he says all logically.

That's true. I don't say anything.

"Admitting defeat?" he asks with a smile.

I roll my eyes, and while doing so catch sight of the king size bed.

Before I can stop myself, I say, "We should have had sex in that bed more."

"We had sex in it once," he offers.

"Yeah, the first time. Not gonna be forgetting that night anytime soon," I say.

"Yeah, nothing could have ever topped that, which is probably why I never wanted to do it in this bed again," Cartman says.

I'm literally shocked. It actually takes me a moment to recover before I sputter out, "You didn't want to have sex with me here again for sentimental reasons? That's why we always had sex at my place?"

"Well now you're making it sound all gay like my bed is some sort of Kahl shrine, but essentially, yeah, and also I like your place, it's like taking a trip to Kahl-land," Cartman says.

"But what if I would have wanted to come have sex with you here? Like if I'd just shown up here to sleep with you?" I ask.

"Um duh, then we would have had sex obviously, but you never tried coming here, and I guess it just made more sense with my work schedule to just come to you when I was done for the night," he says.

"Where did you go that night last week that you checked your text and left?"

"What is this 20 questions?" he asks smirking, "You know you can't win against a litigator Kahl."

"Think back. It's important."

"I dunno Kahl, last week? Probably to check on my Mom. Usually it's that or meet with a client- who else needs me that late at night?"

Now I'm smiling, "So you never go to like, see another guy or something?"

"After having sex with you Kahl? Are you crazy?"

"So you have been exclusive," I say. He's been exclusive! I squeal to myself in my head while doing a mental happy dance.

"Kahl, who the hell else would I ever want to have sex with, when I have you? Seriously, why would you even think that?" he says shaking his head.

"I don't know Cartman, you never said anything that indicated you were exclusive, and then when I was trying to talk to you about all this last week you laughed at the idea of us being in a relationship, so what was I supposed to think?" I say.

"Kahl, I did not LAUGH at the idea of us being in a relationship- I laughed that you were all pissy about wanting me to pronounce us boyfriend and boyfriend, which is like the faggiest thing I've ever heard in my life. We're not all flamboyant gay pride parade-y Big-Gay-Al-gay Kahl, we're just Cartman and Kahl, which is like technically gay, but not the "we're boyfriends with a poodle" type of gay.

I'm beaming now.
"I totally didn't get that when you were trying to tell me this last week," I say.

"I KNOW you didn't get it, and I kept trying to explain that you wouldn't be pissed off anymore if you got what I was saying, but then you stormed out saying it was over," Cartman said.

"If you knew I didn't get it, and you could have made it better with just explaining it, then why didn't you come after me and make me listen?"

"Number one, you left because you didn't want to cry in front of me, so why would I go humiliate you by forcing that to happen when you were already upset? and Number two, you weren't just upset that I wouldn't use the word boyfriends to describe us. You were upset about our relationship in general- that its not a faggy romance, with flowers and hearts and candy and restaurants and falling asleep on the phone together and walks on the beach, and all the other "relationship-y" things that I've never done with you, and wouldn't even know how to do if I tried. What was I supposed to say? That I'll try to fake being some Disney movie Prince Charming and give you a fairytale romance in the future? That it'll be all hearts and flowers from here on out? That just isn't me," Cartman said.

"I wasn't expecting you to change yourself into Mr. Hearts and Flowers, not that the occasional hearts and flowers or a dinner out wouldn't be nice, but I just wanted something, you know, like just some sort of an indication that you wanted to be with me outside the bedroom. Like that you wanted to be with me for something other than sex," I tell him.

"You thought I wanted to be with you just for SEX?" He asks incredulously.

"Um, what else, when we never went anywhere but my bedroom?" I ask.

"I can't even fucking believe I'm hearing this. You think this whole thing was just about SEX for me? Kahl, from when we were nine freaking years old, I knew you were it for me. I knew that I'd never be interested in anyone else but you, girl or guy, and I never have been. But because you hated me and we were supposed to be hating each other I had to hide it and pretend I felt nothing for you, and keep up the pretense of hating you, even though I was so obsessed with you that you were all I thought about. And then we got to high school and it was literally painful to be around you everyday, and I'd get boners from just looking at you, and to not be able to touch you or kiss you, and to know that I'd never want to be with anyone else, but that I'd never have a chance to be with you. And when I went away to college and law school I thought maybe being away from you for 7 years would help, you know maybe I'd meet someone else, or at least what I felt for you would lessen after not seeing you for so long. But it didn't fucking fade Kahl- not one bit. And when I took you onto the balcony at Token's party- Kahl, I couldn't help myself- I was literally shaking from holding myself back for so long, that I just kissed you- so at least in my whole lifetime I could look back and remember that I'd kissed you once, even if you kicked my ass afterwards, or told everyone I was gay, it would have been worth it just to know what it felt like. But you kissed me back Kahl, I didn't even know what to think. I didn't know why you were responding to me, what your reasons were, obviously I wasn't going to ask you because if you started thinking it through you'd probably realize you were out of your fucking mind to start something with me and end it on the spot, so I figured I'd ride out being with you as long as you wanted to be enemies with benefits with me. But I never expected it to last. I didn't have any delusions that it'd be a long term thing. I mean how could it be, when obviously you would realize at some point that you want a traditional sort of a guy and traditional sort of relationship. And then last week, when you told me you wanted things to be different, wanted a different sort of relationship, and that it was over, it was like a given. I mean I'd expected you to end it from the first day. So when you told me it was over, I knew I had to let you go, you know to be with Mark or whoever you chose, that would treat you in that faggy relationship-y flowers way that you want...but then last night when you called me, you drunkenly told me that you told Mark that you were still in love with me, and I knew I had to just get you here, so I could try again- that maybe if I told you all this, it could somehow change something? I mean, I thought you were with ME for the sex Kahl, but what you said last night, that changes everything," he says, looking at me hopefully.

"Cartman, in your bed, the first time we had sex, I knew you were the missing piece to everything, but then when I asked you last week, and it seemed like you didn't feel the same way, you know when it seemed like it was all just sex to you, I didn't know what to do without you. I didn't know how I could ever be with anyone else, when I'm supposed to be with you. That's just become more and more apparent the more I fail miserably at trying to get over you. Cartman, I am so in love with you, please let's never break up because of retarded shit like that again."

"Jew, trust me I'm never letting you go again."

"Promise?"

"Promise"

"Even if I do this?" I say smiling and I rip open Cartman's shirt. I have no idea why he hid his upper body for so long, it looks strong and sexy and all cuddly teddy bear-y. He is so fucking ridiculous for hiding it from me for so long. But then again this is Cartman, and that explains everything.

"You did NOT just do that! You are going DOWN Jew!"

"Is that a threat?" I ask him

"It's a promise."

"Then I better make good on it," I say with a smile, pushing him down on his bed.

"Not the bed Kahl! It's sacred!" He protests, sounding partially serious. Of course now that I want some friggin makeup sex, he wants to make dramatic romantic gestures.

"God you're such a drama queen, Cartman. Do you need me to pronounce us boyfriend and boyfriend so we can use your effing marital bed, dickwad?"

He smirks at me "If I'm a drama queen, then you're my little Jersey American Princess," he says pulling me onto his bed with him.

"Don't get any ideas about me being a Princess Bride."

"Don't be silly Kahl, if we ever did decide to run for faggiest couple in America and get married, obviously I would be the one in the dress."

"Would we live gay-ly ever after?"

"As long as you respect my authoritah!"

I never did end up respecting his authoritah. But we did live gayly ever after.

THE END