January 12
Dear Dad,
Today was one of the hardest days I've ever had to face. I've made a huge mistake. Why didn't I just apologize to him last night? Why didn't I call after him and say I was sorry. Why do I have to have so much goddamn pride? He ignored me all day. I'm already starting to miss that special little smile he saves for me.
Kent was giving me weird looks, so James must've not told him what went down last night.
Luke doesn't get why I'm so sad. I wish someone would understand. I wish I had a book or something to tell me how to get through this, because I don't know what to do and I think I'm past apologies.
Lizzie suggested just talking to him when he's less mad. But I know James and I know how stubborn he is. A part of me is saying that won't be enough. But I hope that it isn't because I need to fix this.
I love you always,
Kaylie-Kat
Coursework:
Transfiguration- 3' essay on animal to object transfiguration properties
Charms-Practice color changing spell
Herbology-Diagram of Fanged Geranium
DADA-3' jinxes essay
Potions-Study properties of Draught of Peace
Ancient Runes- Translate paragraph from runes to English
Muggle Studies- Properties of electricity
Astrology- Fill in Jupiter's moon chart
CoMC- diagrams on unicorns and their diets
January 17
Daddy,
Sorry I haven't written in a while, Dad. Things have been…well hectic to say the least. James still won't talk to me. I've even made efforts to try to talk to him, but he won't have it. Gryffindor creamed Hufflepuff in the last match, which puts us in the lead. You would've been so proud of Kent, he scored a couple amazing goals.
Luke's been very nice, I guess. I've just been very busy and he's preparing for his match against Slytherin. They have to win by about three hundred to be back in the running for the cup and he's grilling his team hard.
O.W.L.S are driving me rampant. We have four months to learn complex spells and methods and even I'm falling behind. We have coursework from every class pretty much every night. I see Kent and James trying to keep up and can tell they're having a difficult time without me.
Kent won't really talk to me anymore. He's taken James' side, having finally gotten him to spill on what happened between us. I deserve to lose both of them. After everything we've all been through together, I chose one night with a boy over their trust. I deserve to lose their trust in me completely. I made an awful choice.
I love you always,
Kaylie-Kat
Coursework:
Transfiguration-Practice animal/object
Ancient Runes-Study rune chart
Muggle Studies-3' essay on why muggles need electricity
DADA-3' hexes essay
Astrology-diagram of each of Jupiter's moons and placements
Herbology-Read and completely study Fanged Geranium chapter
Potions-4' essay on the concept and process of Draught of Peace
History of Magic- study Goblin Rebellions
Charms- 3' essay on the properties of color changing charms
CMC- essay on fire crab
February 4,
Dear Daddy,
I'm so lonely, even with Luke. I was wrong to want just one night of not feeling lonely. I knew lying to him was wrong and that he would think of it as a huge betrayal. I wish I could just get a hold of a time turner to make everything okay again. I miss him, more than anything. I even miss him teasing me. I wish he was around to stop the nightmares again.
Kent talked to me today though. He tried to convince me to apologize. I was all for it, if James would only allow me to speak to him.
I'm so ashamed of myself,
Kaylie
Coursework:
Transfiguration-Practice animal/object—quiz next lesson
DADA- 3' curses essay
Ancient Runes-quiz on rune chart, study
Muggle Studies-Diagram of a light bulb
Astrology-Star chart
Herbology-Study Venomous Tentacula
Potions-Prepare ingredients for Draught of Peace
History of Magic- study Goblin Rebellions—4' essay
Charms- 3' essay on the properties of silencing charms
CMC- essay on bowtruckle
February 10,
Dad,
Sorry I haven't written for about a week and a half. Coursework got a complete hold of me. Ravenclaw won their match, but just barely by the points they needed. Luke was a nervous wreck. I did my best to console him. I don't know if it really worked, but I have to keep this going. He, Lizzie and Victorie are all I have for right now. Luke promised to take me to our meadow for Valentine's day because we will be in Hogsmeade. I wish that I could actually send the letters I write you in my journal. I wish James would look at me so I can just apologize. I miss you. I don't even have anyone to make the nightmares better anymore. They're coming every single night now. Between coursework and lack of sleep, I feel myself slipping away.
Love always,
Kaylie-Kat
Coursework:
I have loads, but I can't even find the effort to re-write it down in here for future references. I'll transpose it later.
ӿӿKentӿӿ
"Will you just let her talk to you? Don't see how sorry she is?" I begged, chasing after James as he ran down an alternate route to avoid Kaylie, yet again.
"Are you taking her side?" he snapped, turning on me.
"No! I'm not taking anyone's side. She was wrong to lie to you and you're wrong to avoid her like this," I replied.
"I'm not allowed to be angry?" James declared, holding his arms out.
"Yeah, you're allowed to be angry. Kaylie made a mistake, James, but do you see what it's doing to her? She's losing weight and she doesn't look like she's slept properly in days. All she does is her coursework, write in her journal and sit there while Luke kisses her."
"She's still with him! She chose him over us, Kent. Why can't she see that?"
"Because she didn't really choose, she just made one bad decision. Why can't you let her apologize?"
"Just leave me alone, Kent." James groaned, clutching his hair. Rory somehow found us and immediately attached herself to James.
"Do you have a headache, dear?" she questioned with wide eyes. James removed his arm from her grasp and gave her a stiff kiss on the forehead.
"No, just a little bit frustrated is all."
"Because of Kaylie? I saw her trying to bug you again. Is that why you and Kent took the long way around?" she questioned, pouting slightly.
"She wasn't bugging me, I just don't want to talk to her," James grumbled. Rory let out a long sigh and pulled him down the hallway, chattering non-stop.
"Still won't talk to her?" Becca questioned, coming up along side of me. I automatically took the books she was holding in one arm and took her hand with the other.
"Nope. Is she still not talking to anybody?" I sighed.
"No, not really. She has conversations, when Elizabeth forces her to, but they're pretty empty converstions. And she's still having terrible nightmares. I have to put a silencing charm around her curtains at night or none of us would get any sleep."
"Life's just not the same when they don't bicker with each other. She was totally and completely wrong, but is that the end of a friendship?"
"James…is just really stubborn, I guess," Becca remarked.
"I'm sorry you have to deal with me worry about this constantly," I sighed.
"It's one of the reasons I like you so much, Kent. You care," she smiled. I looked up as we rounded the Transfiguration classroom. Kaylie was in a ball on the bench across the hall, scribbling furiously into her small journal.
"Save me my seat?" I questioned. Becca nodded and flounced in the classroom after Sarah. I sat down beside Kaylie. She looked up at me with huge eyes that seemed to always have traces of tears in them lately.
"How are you?" I questioned.
"Oh, fine! Busy, very busy with coursework and Luke and everything is just keen." She chirped, her voice cracking a bit.
"Kaylie, it's me. I know you're a wreck. I'm trying to get him to talk to you. I just don't know why you did it…"
"Because I was lonely Kent! You and James were leaving me in the dust and our little group was no longer a group anymore. It made me sad. I never meant to hurt anyone, but I bunged up everything, horribly," she sighed, everything pouring out of her in quick succession.
"Have you tried to get sleeping potions, Kaylie? You look like you haven't slept in days."
"I don't deserve anything to make it better. I deserve everything that's coming my way," she replied, grabbing all her stuff and bustling into the classroom. I followed her. She took the empty seat in the back corner and listlessly took out a sheet of paper and a quill. No extra quills? Nothing else? Things are worse than I thought they were. James was sitting on an end seat next to Rory so I took the empty chair next to Becca. She eyed me pitifully and gave my knee a reassuring pat. I sighed and started to date my notes. I don't know much more that I could do.
ӿӿJamesӿӿ
"So, for Valentine's Day I was thinking we go to Madame Puttifoot's? They have these lovely little cherubs that float above the tables and the coziest nooks to snuggle in," Rory blathered on as we attempted to do our coursework in the library. It was the one place Kaylie was avoiding lately, so I flocked to it. "How does that sound, James?"
"Lovely, set it all up," I replied automatically. Rory squealed and gave me a huge kiss on the cheek.
"You're the best boyfriend ever, James," she exclaimed. I nodded and idly attempted to list the ingredients for a Draught of Peace from memory.
"What's on your mind, dear?" she questioned. I shrugged and began to doodle snitches in the margin of my coursework.
"You're thinking about that fight again, aren't you?" she cut in, rather sharply.
"No, that's the last thing I want to worry about. That's the last thing on my mind," I replied harshly.
"Good. You know, I always knew she was a bad influence. There's just something sneaky about a girl that didn't have any female friends until this year. Something rather wrong," Rory remarked. Taking my essay from me and looking at it for a second before copying something down on her own piece of parchment.
"There was nothing wrong with that, Ror. She just wanted to be in a relationship more than our friendship," I sighed, for the millionth time.
"Same difference," Rory shrugged, taking out a piece of Drooble's Best Blowing Gun and popping it in her mouth. She didn't hear me mutter "not really" into my essay.
"Look James, I'm sorry that you and Kaylie are no longer friends, really I am. But you can't be this down about it forever! You're not forgiving her, that's one step for yourself," Rory declared, poking me in the chest. I melted a bit and bit my lip. I couldn't even tell my own girlfriend how difficult it was without Kaylie in my life. There was less shimmer and shine and a lot more A grades on my coursework. But I was having a hard forgiving someone this close to me. Rory just wouldn't understand what I was going through. So I said the next best thing.
"You're right. I'm sorry I was such a downer," I replied, giving her a quick kiss. She beamed at me and went on talking about something a Hufflepuff girl was wearing earlier. I gave her an incredulous look she didn't catch. When did she become so shallow?
ӿӿKaylieӿӿ
March 2
Dad,
Today Professor Longbottom pulled me aside to ask what's wrong. I lied and told him the O.W.L.S were getting to me. They carted me to the Hospital Wing against my will and forced fed me a Draught of Peace. It made everything better for an about an hour. Funny thing was while it was in my system all I thought about was the process needed to make it and exactly why it was affecting me. It was lovely not to be such a wreck for sixty whole minutes. It made everyone whispering about me in the Great Hall at dinner manageable. Maybe I'll brew my own cauldron-full and sell it on the black market. Kids can get it without permission! I won't really, but it's a nice thought. Luke's getting frustrated with my attitude. Says I ruined the Valentine's date. What if he breaks up with me and I'm really all alone?
Kent's trying to talk to me more. He knows I didn't do it to hurt James. But I can't take his sympathy. I don't deserve it.
Kaylie
March 5
Daddy,
Are you sick of my 'woe is me pity party'? I am. I wish I could make myself feel better somehow. Luke won't speak to me right now. He's too angry. He says that James is coming between us again and James isn't even speaking to me. He just doesn't understand that things aren't the same without James in my life. There's less shimmer and shine. And I can't remember the last time I truly laughed. Wanna know something funny? I can't cry about it. Haven't shed a tear since the night of 'the incident'. Everything is just such a mess.
Kaylie
March 10
I've been in a stupor Daddy. I'm not talking to anyone anymore, but you. This journal is all I have left. Without it I'd probably go crazy and have to be carted off to St. Mungo's. It's honestly only a matter of time. Easter Holiday is next week but I'm not going home with Kent and James. They're going back to the Potter's. I know I'm technically invited, but I'm not going to go. I'd rather stay here and study. Studying is all I have left. Luke talked to me again the other day. I wish I could get over myself and not be so depressing and disgusting. I'm not really this bad out in the halls, I put on a fake front. But here, when I write to you Daddy, I'm a mess.
Kay
March 23
Dear Dad,
Do you hate me for not writing for so long? Things kind of exploded on my end. I finally was going to work up the courage to apologize to James when he got back from holiday, but when I walked in the common room he and Rory were having the biggest row possible. He was saying that all she does is smother him and that he didn't know when she became so shallow. She stated that all he did was mope around because he and I weren't talking anymore and that he was in more of a relationship with me then with anyone else. It ended with Rory screaming at him that it was over and she was sorry she ever wasted her time on him, because obviously he wasn't ready to let go of his friends and be in a 'real relationship'. Then she stormed up the girl's dormitory staircase so he couldn't chase after her.
I approached him after that. He was so sad, Daddy. I've never seen him this sad. Almost on the verge of tears, but of course he didn't actually cry. It's just not a James thing to do, cry. He looked up at me and at first I thought he was going to yell at me too but he kinda just deflated. So I wrapped my arms around him and let him just rest his head on my shoulder. We sat like that for a few minutes and then James looked at me and asked me to check his revision notes. Well, I burst into tears.
He was shocked and didn't really know what to do, just kinda awkwardly pat me on the head until I got a hold of myself. And then I took his notes and checked them, like the last almost three months never happened.
So things are kind of back to normal, I guess. I'm going to have to rebuild me and Luke, but that will probably have to wait until after O.W.L.S because those last three months flew by and they're just around the corner. About two and a half weeks around the corner. What if all this time I wasn't taking any information in? What if I fail everything because of that stupid little mistake?
Kent pretty much cried when he saw James and I working together again. I think he was worried about his own O.W.L. results being in jeopardy. And, of course he's ecstatic that we're back to normal again.
A part of me doesn't understand how James could just go on like nothing happened without seeing me say 'I'm sorry'. I feel like there should be more done to mend this, but Kent just says that's how blokes are. When they let go, they honestly just let it go.
I promise I will write again soon, but I've got to go revise for my exams. Merlin help us all pass.
I love you always,
Kaylie-Kat
"Kaylie, get your nose out of that journal and please help me figure out this bleeding star chart," James groaned, poking me in the side with the butt of his wand. I snapped my journal shut and stuck out my tongue out at him.
"This journal got me through the last three months, thank you very much," I quipped, pulling his star chart to me and letting my eyes flick over it.
"You switched two of Jupiter's moons around," Luke pointed out from over my shoulder before I could even open my mouth. "Pretty obvious mistake really."
"That's really the only mistake and it can happen to anyone," I added, handing it back to him with a smile. James begrudgingly took it back and made changes. He may have forgiven me, but now he's under the delusions that Luke talked me into it, even if he didn't know about the cloak in the first place.
"You've got it well memorized," I declared, finishing off my final review essay and going for my rather large stack of flashcards. They were color coded by subject then ordered chronologically. I searched for the green stack, lifting sheaves of parchment and grabbing my bag to dig through it. It's not like me to misplace things, even when they're as haywire as O.W.L.S two days and counting.
The month of April was zooming to a close and May was speeding towards us like a gigantic black bludger bent upon our destruction. The only thing that was pushing the fifth years on and on and on was A) the prospect of it all being over and B) the Victory Ball, held as always on May 2 in commemoration of the people that lost their lives and to celebrate that we've been war free for over twenty years. The school year had shortened over the years and the rest of the school takes their exams at the end of May instead of early June. Giving the fifth and seventh years a whole month to essentially recuperate from the trauma that was N.E.W.T.S and O.W.L.S, meet with their Heads of Houses to plan their futures, and to finish up Quidditch. I was beginning to freak out. These tests determine the rest of my life.
"Where did the History of Magic cards go?" I grumbled. Kent coughed and held up the stack in his hand. I took a deep breath and rewrote my exam time table to calm my nerves.
Monday: BreakfastDefense (written) →Ancient Runes (written) →Lunch →Defense (practical)
Tuesday: Breakfast→Herbology(written) →History (written) →Lunch→Herb. (practical)
Wednesday: Breakfast→Potions(written) →Potions(prcactical) →Lunch→Muggle Studies
Thursday: Breakfast→Charms (written) →CoMC(practical) →Lunch→Charms(practical) →CoMC(written)
Friday: Breakfast→Transfiguration(written) →Astronomy(written) →Lunch→Trans.(practical) →Dinner→Astronomy (practical)
"Kaylie, no matter how many times you write out that timetable, it's going to be the same," Luke laughed.
"It's what she does when she's nervous. Let's her keep control of things," James remarked, his nose buried into his Astrology text book. I gaped at him as Luke's jaw locked. Luke never knows that type of stuff about me.
"Of course I know that, James. I just wanted to make her less nervous," Luke replied with a slight bit of scorn in his voice. Kent snorted behind the flash cards.
"We're going to be here for a while, Luke, shall I walk you to the corridor?" I questioned lightly. He grunted, but stood up anyways, waiting for me at the edge of a bookcase. I threaded my arm through his and looked up at him while we walked.
"Luke, James is just being James," I sighed.
"Not a month ago he wouldn't even look at you Kaylie, and now you're all buddy-buddy again?" He questioned harshly.
"He forgave me for being so awful. I'm not going to question that. I wish you two would give each other a chance. He's trying ten times harder then you are. Can't you pay him that same respect," I sighed, looking down at my boots. When I looked up, Luke's face softened.
"I just don't want to see you get that upset again, Kay. It was awful. He did that to you."
"I realized that we need each other, James and I." I whispered. "Even if you're my boyfriend, he's always going to be my best friend."
"I just want you all to myself," he remarked with a small shrug.
"I'm a hot commodity. You're going to have to share. Plus James, Kent and I are a packaged deal," I laughed, brushing off the statement even though it really bothered me. I hated that he was always bagging on James, it hurt to hear words uttered against him. Plus, I wasn't someone's property to coop up in a little box. At least James knew that…and Kent as well. But I wasn't going to start a fight with O.W.L.S this close, I didn't need that drama. Luke bent down and gave me a small kiss.
"I'll see you tomorrow? Have fun studying," he remarked, turning on his heel and walking down the corridor. I let out a large sigh and attempted to restrain myself from sticking my tongue out at my very stubborn boyfriend.
Why would I be with anyone that was constantly ripping on a huge part of my life? Why couldn't things be easy? Come to think of it, I don't know if any part of my relationship with Luke has been easy. Which is confusing because I always heard when you were right for each other things were easy. Yeah there were always going to be bumps, but that things should just mesh. As of right now, things weren't meshing.
I really like him though. I've fancied him since for a few years. But was that's what was tying us together, my huge crush finally coming true? A huge part of me wants to believe that it's just the stress of my exams putting this wedge in between us. Hopefully by the Victory Ball, when things are sparkly and glamorous, things will go back to what was supposed to be normal.
ӿӿJamesӿӿ
"C'mon, you can't say that you don't get a weird feeling whenever he's around," I hissed at Kent. He sighed. He's always trying to be supportive of Kaylie and her boyfriend, but he is protective deep down and I know he feels the same way about him that I do.
"Yeah, something is kinda off about him. He's kinda got Kaylie all strung along," Kent finally replied.
"Thank you! There's just something about him. Kaylie is so independent and now things are starting revolve around a guy and it's just not her. It's like he's got her under a spell or something."
"James, is it honestly him? Or is it just that nobody will be good enough for Kaylie in your eyes?" Kent questioned quietly. I felt my stomach drop and my head began to buzz like a jar of billywigs.
"That's not it." I replied hesitantly, glancing at the library that was jam packed with fifth years. I caught eyes with Rory, who scowled and turned her back on me.
Rory's clinginess wasn't the only reason I ended it with her. It was because things weren't right between us anymore. I didn't feel anything between us and was beginning to dread my time with her. I spoke to Teddy (when Kent and I weren't studying) over holiday and he said I should end it and not string her along any more. So when I brought up the subject of us breaking up, she flipped her broomstick on me. She started shouting that I was doing this because I had this deep secret longing for Kaylie. That was a bludger to the stomach. She hasn't spoken to me for the past month and to be honest my life was a lot less tense. I didn't realize how stressful it was trying to please her every hour of every day.
Kaylie came over and sat down with me while I nursed my wounded pride and I realized that I wasn't angry at her anymore. I was still a bit hurt, but when I looked in her eyes and saw how drawn and wan she looked my heart melted. How could I have treated her like this when she was trying to be the bigger person in the whole situation? I rest my head on her shoulder and she wrapped her arms around me and everything was just right between us again. I was over it.
I didn't want her to be with Luke because he didn't understand her. He didn't get the way she worked. If he did she wouldn't have been such a mess by the time Kent and I came back from holiday. They've been together for over half a year and what do we know about him? He wanting to be with her isn't enough. He doesn't know that she prefers tea with lemon instead of milk. He doesn't know how to organize her books the way she liked. He doesn't know that she does things she can control when in situations are out of control. He doesn't deserve her.
When I think thoughts like these, I scare myself. A part of me wonders if Rory was right, but then I want to hit myself. This is Kaylie. She's never been someone I desired in that way and why should things start now. I was just doing what any normal (not Kent) brotherly type figure would do. Protect Kaylie, because with all she knew in the world she was still oblivious of some dangers out there. Oh Merlin, I sound like my father. I groaned and banged my head on the table with a loud smack.
"I know, pretty much one more week and it's all over," Kaylie laughed running her hand through my hair, settling back in her seat, and pulling her cards towards her. She tucked some of her hair behind her ear and gnawed down on her lower lip as she quizzed herself. My heart jumped in my throat and I busied myself with my potions notes. What the bloody hell was I thinking? Were these feelings that were starting to jump out of my chest coming from somewhere legitimate or was I just on the rebound?
A/A: It's that point in the story where I have a panic attack because I think my work absolutely sucks. I have one in most every story I write. But I'm flipping out that I'm not doing things right. Only a few more chapters and this story comes to a close. It's a lot shorter then what I usually write (usually in the 20's) but I hope that it's up to standards. Please let me know what you guys think.
XOXO
Emmie Rose