Chapter 4: Monstrous Absurdities
"What monstrous absurdities and paradoxes have resisted whole batteries of serious arguments, and then crumbled swiftly into dust before the ringing death-knell of a laugh!" ~Agnes Repplier
Cassie watched me carefully as I ran a reverent hand over the journal resting on top of the stack. I glanced up at her sheepishly. "I'm sorry," I murmured. "I just-" I took a deep breath. "I wasn't expecting anything like this." I was aware that there was a hole in my chest, and as I stared at the journal that held Bella's thoughts, all the things she had thought and felt after I left her, I realized that the hole had been there all along. There was no escaping it. It simply was.
Placing a gentle hand on my arm, Cassie smiled at me. "Listen, I've got some stuff to do down here." She looked up. "I'm sure you remember where her room was. Why don't you go up there and…read."
I got to my feet, not surprised to feel my knees tremble. "I…" I ran a hand through my hair. "Thank you."
She laughed as she rose from the couch. "Hey, listen, as far as guests go, you're not much trouble. I don't have to make coffee, or tea, or offer you a soda." Cassie grinned. "Hell, I don't even have to pretend I can cook!"
I smiled at her and slowly turned toward the stairs. They had been stripped and repainted, probably several times, since I had last walked on them. I walked to the door of what had once been Bella's room and put my hand on the doorknob. It was there that I found myself frozen. Though I knew the room would not look the same, I could not help but wonder if being in there, being in the room where I had watched her sleep so many nights would bring me peace – or tear me in half.
There was only one way to find out. I opened the door.
The breath rushed out of me as I surveyed the room. It might have been any room now. Of course, so many years had passed that it had been silly to even consider that it would spark any memory in my mind. The walls were a soft khaki color now. There was a double bed with a dark brown comforter and a dresser of dark wood in the same place where Bella's dresser had once been. So that was familiar at least.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Bella's scent was long gone, of course, but with my eyes closed and my memories taking precedence, I could pretend that I still detected the aroma that had tormented and tortured and seduced me so long ago. My flawless memory recreated it in perfect detail. And her memory still had the ability to both torment and soothe.
I suspected that it would always be that way.
Crossing the small room, I settled on the bed. It wasn't the same bed, but in my mind it became hers. I was back in Bella's room and after a moment, I was ready to "hear" her voice once more. Carefully, I opened the top journal, noting that the date began in 2007. This would have been the first then, not too long after I left.
January 2, 1007
It hasn't even been four months yet. That seems so odd that my whole world could have shattered and been recreated into this…nothingness in such a short span of time. Four months ago I was happier than I'd ever expected to be. I was sure of what my future held and who I'd be with for… Well, forever. That's what I wanted. That's what I asked him for. And he said no. He didn't want me; he didn't want a forever with me.
And who could blame him? I'm nothing. Just a human who can't manage to walk across a flat surface without doing damage. I'm nothing special. Now I'm nothing special and I'm alone.
There's no one I can talk to. I want to talk, I NEED to talk, but there's no one who knows their secret. So I've decided that I'll just write what I want to say here, where it can hurt no one but me. And since I'm already broken, it won't really matter. Will it?
He's gone. There. I've said it. He's not coming back. Ever. And I'll be alone. Forever.
I wonder if it will ever hurt less? I'm afraid I already know the answer to that one.
I closed my eyes in agony. If I had ever doubted that I had hurt her beyond repair, I held the proof in my hands now. It seemed as if I heard the door open from a long distance. Then there was Cassie, kneeling in front of me on the floor, her soft, warm hands closing over my own, which were digging into the mattress below me. Vaguely, I heard the mattress give way, the cloth of the bedding ripping in protest.
"Shhh…." she whispered, soothing with her touch, her voice, her simple acceptance.
I looked up and grimaced apologetically, gesturing to the ruined mattress. "Sorry," I mumbled.
A quick grin flashed across her face, though her dark eyes remained concerned. "No one sleeps here anyway," she assured me. "Besides, it's an old bed. It was mine when I was growing up."
"Still," I started to protest.
"Damn, you really do like to take the blame for everything, don't you?" Her voice was amused.
I looked at her curiously. "Excuse me, what do you-?"
Cassie shrugged and sat down beside me on the bed. "It's a habit of yours that Nana Bells warned me about," she explained, somewhat inadequately in my opinion.
"You'll have to be a bit more clear than that," I said, my voice rather more cool than I intended. This woman was both infuriating and compelling, but right now my anger and frustration was robbing me of my manners. Reading Bella's words, feeling her pain, had opened the wound and I was hurting, lashing out.
Cassie McBride met my gaze, took in my anger, my clenched fists and taut jaw and she – giggled. Cassie looked at the angry, unstable vampire sitting beside her and laughed. I suddenly saw the humor in the situation, or rather, my awe at her bravery made me laugh. Bella's lack of self-preservation had bred true in this descendant sitting before me.
"Well, okay," Cassie took a deep breath. "After Nana figured it out, why you left I mean, she sort of made the connection between this handicap you have of taking the weight of the world on your shoulders and your decision to leave." She nudged me with her elbow. "And I'm seeing that she was right. You do tend to get a bit dramatic, don't you?" Her eyes were alight with wicked humor.
I wasn't sure if I should be insulted or laugh right along with her. To my shame, I tried to hold onto my wrath. I did not want to relinquish it. It felt right somehow, the rage and loss that surged through me. But one look into Cassie's eyes, at once so new and so familiar, and my grip on the maelstrom within me loosened, as if she was prying my fingers away from a weapon.
The anger bled away from me, leaving a strange exhaustion and lassitude in its wake. Cassie put her arm around me as if I was a tired and cranky child, and suddenly that was what I felt like. A child who had given himself up to anger, cranky because I had not gotten my way.
Perhaps that was what hurt the most. I had gotten my way. My wish had been for Bella to have a normal, human life and she had. What right had I to be unhappy that she had done exactly as I had wanted her to do? I recalled the look of joy on Bella's face as she married Jacob Black. Yes, I had wanted her to find happiness. A part of me admitted, however, that I had not wanted her to forget me and what we had shared, even if I had tarnished it by leaving her.
"Was she happy?" I had to know, but I didn't want to know. I was afraid of the answer, either answer could crush me.
Cassie met my gaze. "Yes, she was happy."
The tension returned, bringing with it the shame and tug of conflicting emotions. Tender hands cradled my face and in them I sensed forgiveness, not just from Cassie, but from Bella. My Bella would not have sent Cassie to me if she had not forgiven me. I had to hold to that truth, to believe in the words Cassie had given me.
"But just so you know, I think she would have been happy with you too," Cassie said softly. Then she laughed. "But then I wouldn't exist, so I can't say that I wish it had been differently." As always, she was a surprise. She kept me off balance, and I was not sure how I felt about that.
My lips quirked as I stared at the irrepressible Miss McBride. "I'll bet you gave Bella fits, didn't you?"
"Apparently so," Cassie agreed with a smirk. "I was mouthy, reckless, and had an aversion to rules."
"I can see that," I replied.
"And I haven't changed since then," she added.
"I'm not surprised."
Cassie laughed then, removing her arm from around my shoulders. She looked around the room and sighed. "I'm going to miss it here," she said quietly.
I was confused. Again. Still? "What do you mean?" It seemed easier to ask rather than to try and guess. I would never get it right anyway, not with Cassie. My gift was useless and my vast experience had done nothing to prepare me for her.
She rolled her eyes at me, shaking her head in disappointment. "Well, now that I've met you, you don't honestly think I'm going to let you get away without badgering you to take me to meet the rest of the Cullens, do you?"
Cassie looked at me as if I was the biggest idiot in the world to have missed such an obvious point. It seemed that Cassie McBride wanted to meet my family. I gave her an uncertain look and she simply nodded.
So apparently, the decision had already been made – without me. Somehow, I was not surprised.