I don't own these characters. They are the sole property of Stephanie Meyers. I only borrow them. No humans are permanently harmed through my actions, though I do confess to harassing, annoying, torturing, and exasperating them – just because it's fun. I make no money from my little stories, sad day. I only play in the sandbox, I didn't build it.

Chapter 5: And Love Said No

"Kill me
I begged and love said no
Leave me
for dead and let me go
Kill me
I cried and love said no."

"And Love Said No" written by Ville Hermanni Valo

January 30, 2007

I've been spending a lot of time at the reservation. When I'm with Jake, that hole in my chest doesn't seem so big. I almost feel normal when I'm with him. Almost. He wants to be more than friends. I can see it in his eyes every time he looks at me. But I can't. Not yet. Maybe not ever. I just…

Why is everything so complicated?

The words etched themselves into my mind. I would never be free of Bella. I had accepted that simple and incontrovertible decades ago. Now, however, it seemed as if she had ever been free of me. What had I done? And did it matter now? It could not be undone, no matter how much I might wish it.

February 28, 2007

I can see that soon I'm going to have make some sort of decision about Jake. I'm not being fair to him. But how do I explain that I'm broken. That I just don't work right anymore? And how – more importantly WHY – would I offer him a broken me?

Jake knows I'm in pieces. He's had a front row seat watching me trying to put all of those mangled pieces together again. But I'm that puzzle, the one stuck in the back of the closet that's missing pieces. I can't be put back together again, not completely. So I'm missing parts of me and apparently he's ignoring the fact that I'm a lost cause. He tells me he's got time. And that he'll wait.

I guess I just have to figure out if I want him to wait. Or if I'm selfish enough to ask him to wait. It's not right, but it's what I need. Just how far am I willing to go? How much will I use Jake?

I put aside Bella's journal. Was I really ready to watch Bella's relationship with Jacob unfold before me? I knew her words would bring this vague and distant notion I had of their life together into vivid life. I would see her, feel what she felt, imagine what she dreamed, and for the first time in decades, I would have to allow that bond I would always have with her flare to painful life.

It would be painful and messy and I was not sure I was ready for this. Then I looked down at the journals - the journals that Bella had left with her great-granddaughter, for me. She had known I would return someday, and she had wanted me to read her words. I would put my trust in Bella's love and gentle mercy one more time.

March 2, 2007

Why did I ever think that Victoria would forget about me? The Cullens killed James. James was Victoria's mate. And now she wants me dead. She still thinks I'm Edward's. I would laugh if that thought didn't hurt so much.

Today, some wolves saved me. The wolves that have the whole area terrified. But today they saved my life.

I'm scared. I'm not afraid that Victoria will eventually get her wish, but that she'll hurt Charlie or Jake when she does. Of course, I'm not seeing Jake much anymore. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe that will keep him safe.

My leaving had only left Bella vulnerable, put her in more danger. There had been no one to protect her.

There had been Jake, a small voice reminded me. He had saved her, healed her. He had loved her. Maybe more than I did. While I had let fear conquer love, he had not. He had managed to do what I could not.

The guilt and shame dropped me to my knees. I slipped from the bed and onto my knees beside it, the journal tumbling to a rest with me. I had broken her. I had taken away part of her. Even now, I had no way of knowing if I had made the right decision. She had had what I wanted her to have, but had it made her happy?

The bedroom door flew open, banging against the wall and there was Cassie. "Do I need to pack for cooler weather? Or warmer? Or both?" She shot the questions at me rapid fire and I stared back at her blankly for a moment. For a moment, I felt as if I was facing Alice, or perhaps some sort of odd, rather intimidating Alice/Rosalie hybrid. Cassie tapped her foot impatiently and her eyebrows rose. "Well?" she prompted.

"Uh…cooler weather, but bring along some clothes for warmer weather," I finally answered. By the time I worked out that I had pretty much admitted that she would be with me and my family long enough for the seasons to change she was already gone and I could hear her zooming down the hallway. Cassie McBride seemed to have only one speed – full throttle. If it had not been so disconcerting I might have found it amusing.

I knew I would have to give my family some warning, some sort of explanation. Though Alice might already be aware of Cassie and expecting her arrival. In fact, looking back, I was almost sure she was. My sister's gifts had gotten stronger with the passing decades, and now she did have more control over what she saw – and what she did not see. But now I wondered if she had seen Cassie. Long ago, I had told Alice that I did not want to know what she saw for Bella. So if she had had any insights into Bella's life, I did not know.

Only when Bella had died had Alice broken her silence, and then simply gave me the bare facts and let me do with that information what I wanted. Of course, she had handed me a packed bag at the same time, so my reaction was pretty much a foregone conclusion. I had not questioned, just accepted the bag and walked out of the house. Now I wondered what Alice had done after I left. Prepared a guest room maybe? Stocked the house with human food? Probably, knowing Alice.

March 18, 2007

The wolves… Well, I guess I know now why they saved me. God, I feel like I'm living in the Twilight Zone. I guess Edward was right. I am a magnet for trouble and danger. But I can't think of Jake as dangerous, not when he's saved me…in so many ways.

Is it finally time to let go?

Why did those words hurt so much? Why did they feel as if they took root in my chest and bloomed out in tendrils of agony? It was what I had wanted for her. It was what she deserved. She had deserved happiness, to find someone who could love her as she deserved.

As I stared at Bella's journal, I wondered why she had wanted me to have them. Had she wanted me to know how I had broken her? Or would I later read that she had managed to have the life I had always wanted for her and that she had been happy? Which would hurt more?

Then I knew that Bella's tender heart would not have prompted her to revenge. Somewhere in these journals I would find my redemption…her forgiveness. And for that gift, I would endure the torments of hell itself.

I continued reading.

April 2, 2007

Today Jake found me on the cliff. I was getting ready to jump by myself. I didn't want to wait for him as I had promised. I guess… I was hoping to hear Edward just one more time. I wanted to tell him good-bye.

I didn't jump. But I did say good-bye.

So now I knew. I had it before me in Bella's own words. She had stopped loving me, and she had moved on.

I hadn't deserved her. But at least now I knew.

Cassie's dark head peered around the door again. "Do you guys have a pool?" she asked, her black eyes bright with curiosity. "Because a girl has to stay in shape and I like running, but let's face it, sometimes you've got to change it up, you know?"

I couldn't help but laugh. I had laughed and smiled more in the past few hours than I had in years…dozens of years.

God help me, Cassie McBride just might be the life of me.