Ah, yet another chapter in my insane parody of POTO. Rejoice my readers, rejoice. WHEE!
Disclaimer: We don't own Phantom of the Opera. Well, I doubt ANYBODY here does either (no offense), unless ALW or Gaston Leroux (in ghost form) somehow comes across this fic.
Me: Doubt it.
Disclaimer: *sighs.* Me too.
Le Parody de l'Opera: 2004 Edition. YES!
*Okay, now the scene is going from colorful to grey again. NOOOO! MY EYES! THEY BLEED! THEY NEED COLOR! MY BRAIN IS ABOUT TO EXPLO- [the narrator's unseen head explodes. His brain stem has come out too. A deep, slow laugh is heard, and the brain stem has been picked up. It is revealed that Cryptosporidium, AKA Crypto was the culprit.
Crypto: Take that you dirty monkey!
Me: [rushes in.] I heard the narrator scream! [sees narrator's dead corpse.] OH MY WALRUS! NOOOOOOO! [turns and sees Crypto.] YOU IDIOT FURON! YOU KILLED MY ONLY NARRATOR! Now, because of YOU, I'm forced to postpone the story until I can find another narrator! Now my readers are going to LOATHE my guts! And don't even get me started on the FINANCIAL PROBLEMS of finding a new narrator! Those things cost more than they used to, you know!
Crypto: [shrugs.] Not my problem.
Me: [thinks, then grins evily.] Now it is, my NEW narrator!
[awkward silence.]
Crypto:...What?
Me: You. Will. Be. My. New. Narrator.
Crypto: I will NOT work for you, you pathetic human!
Me: Oh yes you will! I'm not waiting ANY longer to post this story. This thing WILL be written...
Crypto: Wanna fight?
Me: You're on, greenie! [smirks.]
Crypto: [glares.] I am NOT green!
Me: Bring it!
[One Epic (Fail) Battle Later...]
Me: [beaten VERY badly.] Ugh...
Crypto: And now, weak earth girl, it is time for you to fry! [gets out his Disintegrator Ray and aims it at me.]
Me: Wait, can I just have a few last words? Please?
Crypto: [groans.] Alright weakling. What are they?
Me: [smiles weakly.] Hello Erique! Nice new punjab.
Crypto: Huh? [turns around to see ERIQUE CLAUDIN, who's holding a punjab.]
Erique: [Punjabs Crypto and traps him.]
Me:Yay, [cough] I win! You're the new [cough] narrator!
Crypto: [growls angrily.]
Me: [gets up slowly, and hands Crypto the narrator scritp(o).] Okay, readers, just imagine the narrator has a very low, slow voice with a southern accent.
Crypto: Texan accent!
Me: Sorry. Anyway, ON TO THE STORY (ONCE MORE!)
Crypto: [reading narrator script(o)] We return to the auction site that we left chapters ago. The tiny, crushable people are now fleeing for their pathetic lives-er I mean leaving. Old Raoul's assistant is trying to get Raoul to leave as well, but fails miserably.*
Raoul's Assistant: Come on now, be good! Get in your chair! I'm missing the game because of you!
Old Raoul: *still making (pathetic) popcorn angels.* WHEEE! I LOVE CAAAAAKE! Which is NOT A LIE! WHEEE!
Raoul's Assistant: *groaning.* That joke's about as old as Madame Giry.
Old Salieri [Who looks like the Old Salieri from Amadeus.]: *glaring at Raoul's Assistant.* SHUT UP ABOUT MY WIFE!
Everyone there: *gasp.*
Everyone in the past: *gasp.*
Everyone in the future: *gasp.*
Readers: *gasp.*
*Crypto: [gasps.]
Erique: [gasps.]
Me: [gasps.]*
The Cast of Monty Python and the Holy Grail: *gasp.*
The Whole Universe: *gasps.*
All Existence: *gasps.*
Old Salieri:...What?
Old Madame Giry/Salieri: Come along, hon, we've got to go.
Old Leferve/Old Previous Manager/Old Old Manager: YOU'VE GOT TO GET DOWN THE ROOOOAAAD BO!
Old Madame Giry/Salieri & Old Salieri:...Okay then.
Old Raoul: *being dragged into his wheelchair by his assistant.* NOOOOO! THE POPCORN! SHE CALLS TO ME! SHE NEEDS ME! *starts wailing.*
Raoul's Assistant: *pushes Old Raoul's wheelchair [with Old Raoul in it.] into the back of a Fed Ex truck.*
Random Dude 1: PENSKE!
Random Dude 2: No no NO! That is NOT a Penske truck! That is a FED EX truck you imbecile!
Random Dude 1: *hangs his head in SHAME!*
Old Raoul: *stares sadly at Old Madame Giry/Salieri out of the huge gaping hole I forgot to tell you about. He looks like he's gonna cry.*
Old Madame Giry/Salieri & Old Salieri: *watch him as the Fed Ex truck leaves, then get ready to leave in their own carriage.*
Old Raoul: *wailing like a brat.*
*Crypto: [narrating] As Old Raoul whined like a wine bottle-wait a second, who the heck comes up with these crappy jokes? Anyway a clip of the distant, colorful past was present inside the mouth of the bawling, foppish geezer. As the "Camera of Absolutely No Reference" zoomed in on the old "man's" mouth, the picture became larger and larger until it became the scene: A sunny morning, right after opening night.*
Orchestral Music: *plays.*
People in Old Attire: Lalalalala. We have absolutely no importance whatsoever in this story! AAAH! *one by one, they spontaneously combust and run around fearfully.*
*Crypto: [narrating] inside the Opera Populaire...*
Firmin: I AM FIRMIN! HEAR ME ROAR...mew.
Cleaning Ladies: O_e/e_O
Firmin: Sorry, I just had to do that. Anyway, MAESTRO!
Reyer: *randomly appears and taps his conductor stick/fairy wand, then disappears.*
Music: *begins playing.*
Firmin: *singing.* WHERE THE CRAP IS EVERYONE! I MEAN WHERE THE CRAP IS ANYONE! IS ANYONE GOING TO APPEAR! IS THERE ANYONE THAT IS STILL 'ROUND HERE? *talking.* I AM LONELY PEEPS! I don't even know where my lovable idiot sidekick is!
Andre: *runs in dressed as Chum Chum from the show Fanboy and Chum Chum.* WE DON'T HAVE A CAST! Except for the ballet girls, the chorus, the people already casted, etc. etc. etc.
Firmin: *ignoring Andre's costume.* I think you used one too many etcs. Andre.
Andre: I used as many as I required, no more or no less!
Amadeus Fans: WOOT! QUOTE FROM AMADEUS, SPOKEN BY A DUDE WHO ACTED IN IT! WHOOPEE!
Firmin: Andre, see here! Look at this truly awfully dreadfully terribly bad note I got!
Andre: *giving autographs to the Amadeus Fans.* Say wha? Oh, right, * whispering to Amadeus Fans.* Buzz off my precious. I shall see you again soon.
Amadeus Fans: *nod, then run out squeeing very loudly.*
Andre: *turning to Firmin.* Okay, what were we talking about? Something about an alien from the furon race killing a narrator?
Firmin: *oddly enough, calmly.* No, but that DID happen.
Andre: *concerned.* When?
Firmin: When we and the the random people of the opera were partying at the Vicomte's place while he wasn't there.
Andre: Oh.
Firmin: Anyway, as I was saying earlier, LOOK AT THIS TRULY AWFULLY DREADFULLY TERRIBLY BAD NOTE I GOT!
Andre: Hey, I think I got a note just as truly awfully dreadfully terribly bad as that one. In fact, I think it was worse. It's more of a truly awfully dreadfully terribly crappily unhappily upsettingly terrifyingly horribly bad note.
Firmin: *astounded.* That IS worse!
Andre: Shall I read mine aloud?
Firmin: Only if I get to read mine afterwords.
Andre: Alright.
Readers Who've Read Other '04 POTO Parodies: *excitedly.* Oh boy! Here come the newly-written notes! Yahooo!
Andre: *reading his note.* Dear wacko who resembles Emanuel Schikaneder: 'Sup stupid. Heard how you got jacked up on pixie stix last night. Anyway, fire Carlotta. She defines the term "Epic Fail." Well, that's partially because I'm the one who coined that phrase. I coined it last night. Anyway, after the hag of all hags has been fired, put Christine in her place. Word dawg. OGOTOHCOPTLIHOP
Firmin: Okay, my turn. *reading his note.* Dear freak that resembles Aberforth Dumbledore: Ello Ello Ello you incompetent fool! I just wanted to tell you that YOU HAVEN'T GIVEN ME MY PAY FOR DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING BUT TERRORIZING YOU FORT NIGHTLY! Now, in an attempt to be an awesome dude, I am going to use yet another one of my phrases I coined. SHOW ME THE MONEY! How do you like it? I coined it last week. Anyway, if you don't pay me, YOU'RE GONNA DIE! DIE I SAY! D-I-E DIE! DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE! That is all. OGOTOHCOPTLIHOP
Firmin: Who the heck sent these truly awfully dreadfully terribly crappily unhappily upsettingly terrifyingly horribly bad notes? WHO ANDRE? WHO WHO WHO WHO?
Andre: OH MY GOD! OWLS HAVE INVADED FRANCE! POTTERMORE IS GOING TO DESTROY THE UNIVERSE! RUN TO THE NETHERLANDS! FLEE! FLEE! FLEE! *runs around in circles.*
Firmin: Lemme guess...more pixie stix?
Andre: NO! I had JELLY BELLIES THIS MORNING! TWENTY NINE WHOLE BAGS! WHOOOPEEE!
Salieri: *randomly appears holding Bob Daae's portrait.* I LOVE JELLY BELLIES! *stares blankly for a few seconds, then disappears instantly.*
Firmin: Anyway, as I was saying, WHO WROTE THESE?
Andre: Apparently, some person or thing with the initials OGOTOHCOPTLIHOP.
Firmin: What could that stand for?
Andre: *thinking.* Hmm...either Omnipotent Guys of Terranceville on Hills Coming off Popular Treason Like Ingrid Haplin of Popsicles, or Opera Ghost of the Opera House Called Opera Populaire That Loves International House of Pancakes.
Firmin: Hmm...I wonder which one it is.
Andre: I know. It's such a mind boggler!
Raoul: *bursts in through the doors, making an overly dramatic, stupid looking pose.* I have returned!
Cleaning Maid 1: We thought you were out cold!
Raoul: *arrogantly.* Well, for your information woman, I came to at precisely 3:03 AM this morning, and went home. I also discovered that I apparently soiled myself whilst I was out cold. *crosses arms.*
Firmin:...WHY exactly, did we need to know that?
Raoul: You probably didn't...just thought I'd let it out...
Firmin: *looking a bit sick.* Ooookay, anyway, what do you need Vicomte?
Raoul: *singing.* MS. DAAE! WHERE IN THE WORLD IS MS. DAAE! HAVE YOU SEEN HER?
Andre: *speaking.* NO! I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE PRETTY LADY IS! *cries.* WHY DOESN'T ANYONE UNDERSTAND ME? TT_TT
Raoul: *snaps fingers.* Crap. I was SERIOUSLY hoping you'd know where she was. I left her 5 messages, knocked at her place twice, broke into her house once, texted her 15 times, which you all know is very pricy, and even had the police look for her. I then realized she lived here, unlike the stage show, and that the house I broke into was Irene Alder's summer home. Man, what a beating I received. *points to black eye.*
Andre: YEESH! That must have HURT! *randomly starts chewing a stick of gum.*
Raoul: I also got this note. It goes like this: *reading note.* Hola Mr. Creator of Future Hippie Styles. You suck. Christine is MINE! ALL MINE! MUAHAHAHA! MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE! OGOTOHCOPTLIHOP P.S. I dipped your hand in warm water whilst you were out cold. Hope you soiled yourself! *after reading note.* So THAT'S why I soiled myself! Anyway, you DON'T know where Christine is?
Firmin: We have absolutely no idea where she is.
Carlotta: *walks into Opera Populaire with Piangi behind her.* WHERE IS-A THE STUPID-A STUPID DUDE NAMED RAOUL WHO I PREVIOUSLY SAID WORSHIPPED ME! HE-A SENT ME A NOTE THAT WAS-A MEAN AND I HATE! *farts for a few seconds, then hands Andre the note.*
Andre: *reading note.* Greetings Gas Bag of Terror! I'm just writing to tell you that you shall no longer be permitted to enter this Opera House. Ever. Even if you're just coming to watch a show. Even if you left your purse here and are just stopping by to get it. Even if you just HAVE to use the bathroom, and all the other places are closed or forcing you to buy something before you use the bathroom, and you're coming here to use it. No. Stay away, or else I'll command my army of wild rabid badgers to come and destroy you. Good day to you. No, wait, lemme change that. Day to you. Wait, that didn't sound right. You know what, Bye! OGOTOHCOPTLIHOP. P.S. Tell Piangi he sucks too, but he's still allowed here. God knows he needs a place to escape from you.
Carlotta: *points to Raoul.* HE WROTE IT! HE DID IT! HE HE HE!
Raoul: No I didn't! I just told the managers about my attempts to stalk/track down Christine! If I was busy doing THAT, as well as making my awesome hair of stylishness look its best for about an hour and a half, I wouldn't have ANY time to write a note like that!
Carlotta: LIAR!
Raoul: UGLY!
Carlotta: STUPID!
Raoul: FAT FACE!
Joseph Buquet: *randomly appears.* JOSEPH BUQUET! *exits.*
Firmin: STOP SCREAMING BEFORE I START HATING EVERYONE HERE!
Andre: *about to cry.* Even me? YOUR FAITHFUL SIDEKICK! *let's not forget, he's still in his Chum Chum costume.*
Firmin: *sighs.* No. Not you. But everyone else.
Raoul: *sticks tongue out at Carlotta.*
Carlotta: *sticks tongue out at Raoul.*
Firmin: Okay, here's the deal. Apparently, all of these notes have something to do with Christine.
Andre: Not the one you got!
Firmin: *sighs.* Most of these notes have something to do with Christine. And they're all from the same guy.
Madame Giry: *enters with Meg and Salieri (who holds Bob Daae.).* I AM HERE, WITH AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE!
Silence: *occurs.*
Cleaning Lady 6: *coughs.*
Silence: *is killed by Cleaning Lady 6's cough.*
Andre: NOOO! *to Cleaning Lady 6.* YOU KILLED SILENCE!
Madame Giry: HELLO! I EXIST PEOPLES! Anyway, Christine is here, she's alright, yadda yadda yadda.
Raoul: I WANNA SEE HER!
Madame Giry: NO!
Raoul: *whines.* But I WANT to!
Madame Giry: *takes out squirt bottle and squirts Raoul with it.*
Raoul: IT BURNS!
Meg: She needs rest dude. Do you CARE enough about her to let her rest?
Raoul: Yes I do! I just...wanna see her.
Salieri: I wanna see how they make Jelly Bellies, but I'm not gonna learn that for awhile!
Andre: I feel your pain...TTT_TTT
Madame Giry: I have a note. *reading note.* Yo, everyone who sucks; listen up dawgs. You ain't been listenin' to me, and I ain't gonna take it! If you ain't gonna listen, I ain't gonna be in a good mood, and I'm gonna go and cause a bunch'a bad crap. Ya want that? No? THEN LISTEN UP HOMIES! Christine. She's gonna be the lead in the next opera that will occur tonight, the night right after some completely different opera occurred. Carlotta. She's gonna be the only silent role in the whole thing in the same opera. In fact, if you'd like to, you can scrap her. But I suggest the former. It'll be more fun to watch her as she secretly yearns to perform that act she calls singing. Lemme sit in Box 5 OR ELSE I'LL CRUSH YOU ALL! Except Mme. Giry. And Meg. And Salieri. And Bob. They're my good henchmen-I mean friends. Sincerely, OGOTOHCOPTLIHOP. PS, I'm the one who stole the mustard from the refrigerator in the managers' office. DEAL WITH IT! *after reading note.* I highly suggest you follow his orders.
Andre: HE IS A MUSTARD STEALER! Q_Q WHY THE MUSTARD? WHYYYY!
Carlotta: *rips a really long, loud, juicy fart.* THE DUDE'S TRYING TO DESTROY MY EPICALLY AWESOME REPUTATION OF PURE AND DIVINE SINGING AND GIVE CHRISTINE THE UPPER HAND! THAT DOES IT! *farts.*
Firmin: You know what? We're gonna defy the dude's orders! Carlotta's the lead SCREW IT ALL! MUAHAHAH!
Andre: YOU IDIOT! THAT ISN'T HOW YOU SPELL A MANIACAL LAUGH! IT'S SPELLED: MWAHAHAHAHA!
Firmin: Okay! Fine! As I was saying: CARLOTTA'S THE LEAD IN THE NEXT OPERA! CHRISTINE'S THE SILENT PAGE DUDE! TAKE THAT YALE!
Andre: HARVARD!
Firmin: WHATEVER!
Carlotta: No! No NO NO NO NOOOO! I REFUSE FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER!
Piangi: NO! WE REFUSE! *whispering to the managers.* Help. Me. Please.
Firmin: Please will you do it? Please? Please? PLEASE?
Carlotta: NOO!
Firmin: But you're our STAR!
Carlotta: NOOOO! *runs to her dressing room.*
Managers: COME BACK!
Everyone but Madame Giry: WAIT UP!
Madame Giry: -_- Oy Vey...*trudges after everyone else, trying to tell them that they should listen to the notes.*
*Crypto: [narrating] In Carlotta's room...*
Carlotta: *whining, fussing, making ugly faces (well, uglier than her regular one...), and farting.*
Firmin: Be good now! Take the role of awesomeness!
Carlotta: NO! I REFUSE! *runs out of dressing room.*
Everyone but Madame Giry: *runs after her.*
Madame Giry: *yelling to everyone else while walking after them.* THE ANGEL OF MUSIC WILL MAKE IT RAIN EXPLOSIVE, RADIOACTIVE BEETS MADE BY SLUGWORTH IF YOU DON'T OBEY!
*Crypto: [narrating] In and behind the stage area...*
Carlotta: *walking and farting down the backstage area.* NO NO NO! IT'S USELESS! I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE TO PLAY THE PART!
Firmin: I'll give you all of Andre's jelly beans.
Andre: HOW COULD YOU FIRMY? Firstly, they're called Jelly Bellies, and secondly, HOW COULD YOU? I_I
Immature Dude Dressed Like Captain Underpants: *Doing the underpants dance, from Captain Underpants and the Big, Bad Battle of the Bionic Booger Boy Part 2: The Revenge of the Ridiculous Robo-Boogers.*
People Watching: *clap and laugh at Immature Dude Dressed Like Captain Underpants.*
Carlotta: *walking in the way of the ballerinas, farting in their general direction. HAHA! MONTY PYTHON REFERENCE NUMBER TWO!* TWO WORDS! N-O!
Anre: It's two letters you dolt!
Carlotta: NO!
*Crypto: [narrating] At the main stairway (which was pretty much useless, you know, since they were there like, 10 minutes ago...)*
Carlotta: NOOOOO! *walks to main entrance.*
*Crypto: [narrating] The following utterances are said at the same time.*
Carlotta: Heck NOOOO!
Firmin: Our STAAAAR!
Andre: MisunderSTOOOOD!
Madame Giry: Please OOOBEEY!
Meg: Random NOOOOTE!
Salieri: Random NOOOTE!
Everyone But Bob: Random NOOOOTE!
Bob: I'm BOOOOB!
Door: OpenIIING! *opens, letting everyone's screams be heard in the wide open world of Paris...that's filled with many, many, MANY Christine admirers*
*Crypto: [narrating] Okay, now you can read the text without having to think of it being said together at the same time.*
Christine Admirer 136: GIVE DA ROSE TO DAAE! *shoves rose in Carlotta's face.*
Door: OOPSIES! *slams shut.*
Firmin: We need you.
Andre: Your nonexistent public needs you too.
Nonexistent Public: *crashes through window.* WE DON'T NEED HER! WE CAN DO WITHOUT! *run out of sight.*
Carlotta: *ignoring Nonexistent Public and looks tempted.* Hmmm *rips a faint fart.*
Firmin: Uh, um, the WORLD wants you!
World: *crashes through other window.* NO WE DON'T! WE'LL DO WITHOUT TOO! *flees.*
Carlotta: *ignores World as well, and looks even more tempted.* Hmmmmm...
Firmin: SING FOR US ALREADY!
Carlotta: Ummm...*farts for a long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long (longer than this very long, long, long, line of longs...) period of time.* Okay.
Firmin: Woot. Screw OGOTOHCOPTLIHOP. I HATE IT WHEN OBSCURE PEOPLE TELL ME WHAT TO DO!
Madame Giry: Okay, since I apparently can't convince you to do the right thing, you're gonna have to learn the hard way. So, my statement is this: You all are screwed. And dead.
Andre: That was TWO statements! YY_YY
Madame Giry: *to Andre.* You're dying first. *walks off.*
Meg: Wait up mum! *runs after Madame Giry.*
Salieri & Bob: WAIT FOR US! *run after the two Girys.*
Everyone Else: *heads for Carlotta's dressing room for like, the second time.*
*Crypto: [narrating] In Carlotta's dressing room...for the SECOND time already...*
Carlotta: Yay! I get free stuff! *gets handed a crystal necklace and farts.* OOOH! SHINY! *gets handed a very ugly bulldog.* OHMYGOD! THE PRETTIEST-A DOGGY IN EXISTENCE! I LAV YOU! YOU'RE NAME IS BOB!
Bob: *randomly appears, being held by Salieri.* Three words: Name. Already. Taken. *disappears.*
Firmin: God, I'm thirsty. Any glasses or goblets? Heck, even a Styrofoam cup would do!
Andre: Nope. Fresh outta Styrofoam.
Firmin: Dangit! Ah well, guess I'll have to use this shoe. *grabs shoe, pours wine into it, then drinks. Ick.*
*Crypto: [narrating] In and behind the stage area...once again, for the SECOND time...*
Carlotta: *being carried on bed-like thingy.* WHEE! I LOVA RIDES! *rips an exceedingly smelly fart.*
Firmin: *looks sick.*
Andre: *looks excited.*
Carlotta: *after being carried to the stage and forced to get off her bed-like thingy.* WAAAH! I WANT ANOTHER RIDE! *farts.*
Ugly, Pink Dress: *slowly falling onto Carlotta.* HEEELP MEEEEE!
Piangi: *shedding tear.* I feel your pain dress...
Carlotta: *suddenly has ugly, white makeup and an ugly, white wig.* I LOOK-A BOOTIFUL! WHEE! *twirls and farts.*
Madame Giry: *brings Meg and Christine, who are in costume, onstage.* Here we are. Awesome as ever. Some of the ONLY people who will live.
Salieri & Bob: Don't forget us! *jump beside the Girys and Daae.*
Stage: *lights up with the age old rapport.*
Everyone: SING ONCE MOOOORE!
Curtains: *close on the scene.* Doompity-doo!
Phangirls who LOOOVE the stageplay better than the movie: THEY FORGOT TO HAVE ERIK SCREAM: "So, it is to be war between us. If these demands are not met, A DISASTER BEYOND YOUR IMAGINATION WILL OCCUR!", FOLLOWED BY YET ANOTHER "ONCE MORE!"
Moviegoers: O_O *back away from Phangirls who LOOOVE the stageplay better than the movie.*
Alright! Another chapter complete! This will be dedicated to the two who died in this fic. WE LOVED YOU BOTH! WE'LL MISS YOU BOTH!
Crypto: *mutters.* I won't.
Me: *glares at him.* Yes you WILL!
Crypto *glares at me.*
Me: *glares back.*
Disclaimer: *glares at a brick wall.*
Me: *shakes head.* Anyway, just as a side note, ANY TEXT IN THE ACTUAL STORY (including the actions.) embedded in asterisks/** is apart of something I'm going to call "The Narrator's Dimension," the place where the narrator resides, along with anyone lucky/talented/smart/? enough to get past the security system, which is theoretically impossible unless I allow it.
Crypto: Then how was I able to penetrate the system?
Me:...I secretly let you in...
Crypto: *skeptically Oh really?
Me:...Yes... *to the readers.* Well, I hope you all enjoyed my crazy new chapter! Oh, and for those of you who don't know about Crypto, he's from a videoame series called Destroy All Humans. The dude who provided his voice for most of the games is J. Grant Albrecht, and I guess he sounds a bit like Jack Nicholson. So, if you wanna research/look up anything about my "new narrator," here's just a bit of information to start with.
Remember folks: RTRTESST (Read Then Rate Then Enjoy Some Show Tunes.)