Howard sighed as he sat in front of the phone. He couldn't believe any of this. Just when he was getting fed up with Vince, the little punk put an ad of him in the paper sounding desperate as can be. He knew no one would call him but why was he waiting for it? Finally, after painstakingly waiting, the phone rang.
"Oh!" He excitedly picked up the phone. "Hello?" he answered.
"Hello is this the singles advert that was in the paper? I can't see too well," said the voice of an old woman.
"Oh um… yes," Howard said reluctantly.
"Well that's a relief, I was afraid I dialed the number for the water company again. Anyway, before I carry on like I usually do, I'd like to get to know you personally. You see, my elderly life is becoming awful lonesome and my grandchildren miss their grandfather oh so much, so I need a man to mend things not just for the little darlings, but for me too."
"Um… I'm sorry, as unfortunate as it sounds I uh…" Howard winced and tucked his lips in as if he was getting a tetanus shot.
The old woman chuckled. "You're cute. Your voice sounds a bit like Humphrey Bogart's."
"Eh thanks… but I'm just not ready for that kind of commitment… I've got too much going on in my life right now."
"Sure, I know what you're thinking. What would you want with an old bat like me? I'll have you know I have the body of a twenty year old and the libido of a jack rabbit! I drink tea with ginseng in it daily!" she declared.
"Ughhh… I'm sorry I've gotta go… I have business to attend to…" he moaned softly with disgust.
"I may be old but that herb works wonders! I'm still the tigress I was when I was a young girl!" she croaked.
"Sorry, sorry… goodbye…" Howard hung up the phone.
A few minutes later, the phone rang again. "Hello?" Howard answered.
"Hi this is… oh God I can't finish!" the girl on the phone snickered. He could hear a few other girls laughing. He sighed. He knew how this would turn out.
"Wait, wait hand me the phone! Hand me the phone! I wanna try! Hey there Old Timer, I'd love to stretch the loose skin on your back!" one of the girls cried out.
"Let me have it now! I wanna talk to the jazzy prune with a crusty charm!"
"I think you mean quaint…" Howard mumbled.
"Aw look what you did, you hurt your grandpa's feelings! It's not his fault he hasn't gotten any since electricity was invented!" the girl said.
Howard grumbled and hung up the phone for he didn't want to hear any more of it. He frowned and crossed his arms. He knew he wasn't that old, yet he found himself self-conciously pinching the skin on his back. The sound of the phone ringing again made him grumble. "Hello?" he answered.
"Helloooooooooooooooooooooo…"
He immediately slammed the phone on the receiver, panting with fear. Within a few seconds, the phone rang again. "H-hello?" he answered cautiously.
"Howard you sly, sly fox! I know that's you! Don't you try to hide from me, you hear me? I made arrangements for the both of us and my shack in Acapulco has remained dreadful and dreary without your presence! Why have you relentlessly avoided me all this time? Can't you see, we have a marvelous life to look forward to! All you have to do is…"
"Sorry can't hear you!" Howard slammed the phone again.
"Any luck?" Vince asked as he came in the room.
"Nope, not at all. I should've considered becoming a priest had I known I would've been celibate for so long," Howard said in a sarcastic tone.
"Oh Howard don't be like that!" Vince playfully smacked him in the back of the head. "Just give it time."
Howard grumbled and readjusted his hat. "What do you mean time? I'm past my expiration date."
"It's alright Howard, I always thought you aged like um… cheese!" Vince grinned.
"Cheese?" Howard raised an eyebrow.
"Yeah like cheese, well not cottage cheese of course. Maybe like cheddar or Swiss, even though it gets a little hard around the edges, the middle is still decent."
"Are you saying I've gone bad?" Howard frowned. He couldn't help but reflect on how those girls called him crusty at this moment.
"Oh no, no, no no, not at all. You just need to get a little fixed up, something to shave off a few years. Like maybe you could get a new wardrobe or maybe getting a haircut or even uh…" Vince rubbed his upper lip.
"No! I know what you're thinking! This is my best attribute ever," Howard stroked his mustache protectively. "I grew this baby at a very young age."
"I know I was there. I must've been six or seven 'cause when I first saw it, you gave me quite a scare. I thought you had some kind of flesh-eating caterpillar stuck to your face!" Vince chuckled."You're just jealous because you can't even grow peach fuzz!" Howard said.
"You think I envy that thing?" Vince said.
"Oh yes Sir, I've seen you in the mirror trying to draw one with a marker," Howard nodded.
"Actually I was doing an impersonation of you," Vince grinned mischeviously.
"Fine whatever, still sounds like green envy to me," Howard said.
"What I was trying to say was you should get yourself fixed up. If someone good finally talks to you, you should dress to impress."
"What's wrong with the way I look?" Howard asked.
"Nothing, nothing. Whatever floats your boat Howard," Vince said. "Hope this girl won't have sensitive skin," he muttered as he glanced at Howard's mustache.
"It's bad enough that I'm not having any luck and now you're trying to get me concerned about my appearance."
"Fine forget it then" Vince said.
Howard grunted and rested his chin against his folded arms. "Oh cheer up Old chap, someone will call!" Vince pat him on the head and walked off.
"When you become a millionaire," Howard muttered in a gruff tone. The phone rang all of a sudden.
"Woo! I'm a millionaire! I won the sweepstakes!" Vince cried out from upstairs.
Howard Dropped his jaw but then he shook his head. He picked up the phone before it rang again. "Hello?" his voice was a little lifeless.
"Hi there," said a cheery voice.
"Oh hi…" he didn't know why he suddenly got shy.
"So what's your name Mr. Charming Jazz man?" the girl asked.
"Well um… it's Howard," he tucked in his lips and smiled. "And yours?"
"It's Emma. I like your voice by the way, very masculine. You sound burly and rugged like how a real man's supposed to sound."
"Why thank you…" he blushed and hid his face even though she was just on the phone. "Same goes for you… well not you sounding like a man but you know…"
She chuckled. "Too, too, cute. Why so timid Howard?
"Me timid? No not at all, it's just that… that…" He bit his lower lip. What was wrong with him?
"Am I coming on too strong? Well in that case I guess I'll let you go then…"
"No no no no you don't have to go. You don't have to go. I'm just feeling a bit off. I don't know, maybe I'm getting the flu or something but I'll heal fast since I've got a high immunity. Yes m'am, I my body rid itself of allergies because when I was younger, my nose ran like a faucet and I had to use ten tissue boxes a day, but then one day it stopped and a tissue never touched my nose ever again."
The other side of the phone was quiet for a little bit. "Are you finished now?"
"Oh um… yes," Howard bit his lower lip awkwardly. He wished he could've taken back all that mindless babble. Somehow he always seems to do that around women.
"Now what we're we talking about earlier?" she asked.
"I forgot," he said. He grinded his teeth doubtfully. Finally, someone that sounded interesting in him finally rang him but he was already messing it up. "Would you like to meet up sometime?" he pushed himself to say.
"Sure why not. You seem harmless," she joked.
He chuckled softly, feeling a little at ease. "So how does tomorrow night sound?" he asked.
"Not bad at all. I'll see you then Howard," her voice almost sounded seductive.
"Alright… you too," he said shyly. She chuckled deeply and hung up. He hung up the phone and spread his arms out, letting out a huge sigh.