I am the original author of 'Coaches in the Sky' but I forgot my password, so I am using this one.
Coaches in the Sky
Chapter 3
When Coach woke up the next morning he found his blankets wet and sticky.
"Musta been some sorta mayonnaise apocalypse!" Coach said to himself. He had fallen asleep to the sweet thoughts of the charger that had nearly killed Ellis. That was only one of the reasons he loved him, though. The charger had held and smashed Ellis into the ground so tenderly and passionately, Coach wanted to be the one in his rippling arm, to be held by that sex god through the cold, lonely nights.
"Hey Coach, we're gonna hit the road soon, so g'ready." Nick said, interrupting Coach's fantasy. Ellis was changing Nick's diaper; they had been like that since the group had gotten in the safe house. Coach was jealous. He wanted someone to change his diaper. Thoughts of that charger filled his mind followed by creamed corn.
Rochelle crawled out from under the rug they had put her under the night before.
"Yeah, but you all better-" she began, as if they would actually grant her the privilege of speaking to them.
"Hey, y'all betta heal!" Coach said, cutting Rochelle off. Rochelle stared down at her yellow, twisted toenails, salt and peppery tears falling from her crunchy eyes.
Coach tore the medical pack off of his bronzed back, ripping it from the Velcro that held it there. He was bleeding because the Velcro was attached to his gunky back hair. He took out some bandages and wrapped it around his ankle and forearm, even though his injuries were on his stomach and sides, but it worked just as well.
Meanwhile, Nick was healing Ellis. Some would say that he wasn't healing Ellis, he was more rubbing the medical pack all over his body while Ellis pissed himself in delight.
"Oh, Nick!" Ellis giggled loudly. "You so crazay! My nipples are burstin' in joy!"
"I know," Nick replied, wiggling his eyebrows and squeezing one of Ellis' nipples, causing it to explode in a mess of pus, blood and joy.
Ellis clapped his hands together, laughing and jumping in joy.
"Oh, Nicky-bear!" he said throwing his arms around Nick's shoulders.
"Y'all healed up?" Coach asked, lumbering over to a table by the barred door to grab another medical kit. He attached it to his back and groaned in pain as the Velcro pulled at his knotted back hair. The safe house was small, so they had all slept in a heap of sexiness, except for Rochelle, who slept under a rug in the corner. She was the least hurt of them all, because even zombies hated her. They didn't want to touch her.
Coach grabbed a pump shotgun in strong, ox-like hands. He attached that to his back as well, tying his back hair around it to make a make-shift holster.
"Everyone grab a gun." Nick said in his annoying nasally voice. Coach had different feelings for him since he saw the charger. Sexy feelings. He remembered all the nights of passion with Nick, and would never forget them, but he needed some more sugar. Some more spice. Some more nice.
"We r-" Rochelle started, but Ellis hit her in the back of the head with his mallet, silencing her putrid breath.
"We ready? Let's go." Ellis said, grabbing a submachine gun from the infinite pile of guns. He strolled up to the door, attempting to lift up the heavy bar. He put his hands on his hips and sighed, frustrated.
"Oh," he moaned dramatically, smacking the back of his hand to his forehead. "If only I had a big, strong, sexy man."
Nick began to approach Ellis, but was pushed into the wall by Coach.
"I don't mind if I do," Coach breathed seductively.
With a mighty roar, he thrust the bar from the door and threw it across the room, narrowly missing Rochelle's fat head.
"Thank you kindly, sir," Ellis drawled, clinging to Coach's bicep.
"No problem, little lady," Coach replied, patting Ellis' head.
"Alright, alright. Enough bullshit! Let's just go!" Nick said and pushed between Ellis and Coach, glaring all the while.
Coach, Ellis, and Rochelle followed Nick outside, guns at the ready.
"Oh fiddle sticks! Look at all these big bad men!" Ellis yelled shrilly, hiding behind Nick.
"Don't worry baby, I'll protect you and your sweet ass," Nick said, puffing out his chest.
"Neeee-AHHHHHHHH!" Coach bellowed in fear, plowing into the horde of zombies and beating them with his gun, proving again that he was tougher than Barbara.
"Humper! HUMPER!" Ellis screamed, pointing at a small zombie wearing tight blue biking shorts, that showed it's attributes.
"Excuse me?" Nick growled, raising a wiggley eyebrow, clearly offended.
"Not you-" Ellis began, but his words were cut short when the little zombie stuck to his face, thrusting it's pelvis into his mouth. It dug it's small hands into Ellis' luscious hair, dragging him away from the group.
"Nick? Nick? Is that you? Get off! Get it off me!" he howled, still being led away.
"Oh God, Ellis!" Rochelle yelled, running towards him trying to shoot the small zombie off with a Nerf gun.
Just as she was about to reach him and smack the zombie off his face, a large shadowy figure leapt from the roof and pinned her to the ground. Sharp claws raked down her chest and stomach.
"Ellis!" Coach howled and ran on all fours like a bear, trying to reach him.
"Take me with you!" Nick yelled, and jumped onto Coach's back.
"Guys, come back! Help me! Help me!" Rochelle cried, watching as the two galloped away towards Ellis.
The pair finally reached the poor redneck. Nick vaulted himself off of Coach, and tackled the small zombie, wrestling it to the ground.
"Screw you, dickstain!" he growled smashing it's withered face into the pavement.
"Nick, Nick! Stop! He's already dead!" Coach cried, pulling him off the small, bloody corpse. He threw Nick to the side and crouched over the tiny form. "Goodnight, sweet Prince," he whispered into it's earhole.
"Oh baby, you're always getting in trouble!" Nick cried, crawling up to Ellis and stroking his bumpy face.
"You gotta be mo' carefu'!" Coach said over the sounds of Rochelle screaming and her skin ripping.
"We gotta save Rochelle, don't we?" Ellis asked, disappointed.
"Probably." Nick said, glancing at an almost dead Rochelle.
Ellis sighed dramatically and threw his hands into the air.
"Fine!" he screeched, and shot the zombie off of her.
The trio strolled leisurely towards Rochelle.
"Someone help me up!" Rochelle screamed as they walked past her. Nick sighed and dragged her to her feet, ignoring the gaping wounds all over her body.
"Ever hear of a thing called moisturiser?" Nick growled nastily.
Rochelle cried in anguish as she stared down at her peeling, dry skin.
"It's not my fault!" she insisted. "We were in a fire, how am I suppose-"
Nick waved dismissively, pulling his moisturiser out of his pocket and smearing it on his chest.
"We better get going." Ellis said, walking up to Nick and running a hand over his chest. "Smoooth," he remarked.
Coach rolled his eyes and began to walk down a small street decorated with green hedges. "FOLLUH ME!" he boomed, glancing behind his shoulder to the others.
Nick and Ellis were holding hands and skipping over to him with a joyful aura. Rochelle was dragging herself with her arms behind them, crying and leaving a trail of blood.
"You're so disgusting," Ellis said. "What gives you the right to leave yer blood everywhere? You make me sick."
Coach and the others approached a small building, and put his hand on the doorknob.
"Blargh!" Coach heard something gurgle. He froze, hand still on the doorknob.
"Yah hear that?" Coach asked.
Before anyone could reply, a fat zombie jumped out from the bushes and stood behind them, wiggling his stomach in a sexually charged manner.
The team stared at the zombie, bewildered. Then, without warning, the zombie opened it's mouth and blew it's nasty green chunks all over them.
"Oh, gross!" Nick cried.
"I can't see!" Coach exclaimed.
"It stinks! Kill it! Kill it!" Ellis was running in a circle, using his gun like a sword.
"Got it!" Rochelle said from her place on the ground, a smug grin appearing on her face.
The explosion from the fat zombie sent Coach backwards, smacking wetly against the wall.
"Bullshit! I got it," Nick growled, kicking her in the ribs. In reality, he had been using the gun to pick the lint out of his crack of doom.
Before Rochelle could argue or spit out more of her teeth, a loud chorus of cries filled the air.
"Aw shit, aw shit, aw shit. Look what you went and did, Rofelle!" Ellis said, still running in a circle.
"My name isn-"
"Shuddup."
Coach tried to rub the bile out of his eyes, and amongst the cries of common infected he heard the most beautiful sound in the entire universe.
"RUHNRRR!" It cried. It was a charger. Not just any charger, but the charger. It looked at Coach for a brief second before charging. Not into Coach, but into the oncoming zombies.
"He's perfect..." Coach sighed dreamily.
The charger glanced at Coach once more, and charged towards him.
"Shit! No!" Coach hollered. As the charger's big hand wrapped around Coach's body and carried him away, Coach realized he wasn't special.
'This charger isn't the one...' Coach thought sadly. 'He's going to kill me!'
The charger carried him away from the horde, away from his teammates, ran over the fence, and carried him behind a tent.
"Where are you taking me?" Coach asked the charger, and didn't expect a response. He noticed the charger hadn't started bashing him into the ground yet.
Before he knew it the charger was leaning in, puckering his lips as if he had just ate a bad lemon.
"Oh, charger!" Coach cried happily as the charger's lips met his, creating sparks and catching the tent on fire.
"I love you, Coach. Coach. Coach!" The charger said. He kept repeating his name. In Ellis' voice for some reason.
"I love you Coach, Coach, Coach, Coach. Get up! Coach, Coach, Coach! Coach, Coach, Coach, bear my children!" Ellis cried.
Coach sat up, confused. There was no fire. More importantly, there was no charger, either.
"Huh? What? What happened? How did I get so sticky?" Coach blurted out, confused.
"You've been out for a while." Ellis said. "It reminds me of the time me and my buddy Keith wanted to spice things up in the bedro-"
"Ellis, sweetie, is now-" Rochelle started, cutting Ellis off.
"Shut up Rochelle! Ellis, sweetie, can this wait?" Coach said, interrupting Rochelle, yet again.
"Okay." Ellis said.
"Now tell me, what's going on?" Coach demanded.
"Well, when Rochelle killed that boomer-" Nick started.
"Boomah?" Coach asked.
"Yeah, that's his name. Isn't it soo cey-ute! It's the fat guy. But when she killed it, it exploded. It sent you backwards and you hit your head on the ground. Hard. So we used Rochelle as a sled to drag you here, a gun store." Nick explained.
Coach was disappointed. The charger never kissed him. The tent never burned down. Coach got up and looked around. The walls were covered in all sorts of different guns, deer heads, and naked ladies. He approached the wall and grabbed an automatic shotgun and a naked lady picture.
He turned around and walked towards Nick and Ellis, who were standing by a pile of ammo, tickling each other's ears.
"Careful when you go out there, we've been hearin' a chargin' guy for a while." Ellis said, gesturing to a door.
"And we've been hearing a sexy redneck looking for love..." Nick said to Ellis. Nick spit in his hand and ran his hand through his hair.
"It's a charger!" Coach said defensively. He found it strange that he loved this charger without meeting him. But found it surprisingly easy.
"Hey guys!" Rochelle cried.
"WHAT?" Ellis snapped.
"I just talked with the gun shop owner! He said he'll blow up that truck in our way if we get him some cola." Rochelle explained.
"Daayyyum, I want me some cola! And noodles! Oodles of noodles!" Coach exclaimed, salivating all over his sticky rippling body, and onto the delicious tile flooring.
Nick brought his hand to his face and sighed, trying to avert his eyes.
The team walked up the stairs and looked down at the convience store. There were no zombies in sight, not even a charger.
"Alright," Nick said clapping his hands together. "Here's the plan. Rochelle, you get the cola. Meanwhile we'll stay here and play some strip poker."
"What?" Rochelle exclaimed. "Why me? I'm going to need help down there!"
"Yeah? Well you should have thought of that before you volunteered us to go get that idiot's cola. Now, go on."
"I can't do it alone." Rochelle said, crossing her arms stubbornly.
"Oh my God. Fine! We'll come with you. God, I don't know why I ever liked you."
With that, the four survivors leapt over a hedge and went towards the store.
"Alrighty," Ellis said. "Rochelle and Coach, you go get the cola. Me and Nick will stay out here, and, uh... Guard the doors..."
Nick brought his hand to his mouth and giggled. "Go on guys, we got this."
Sighing, Coach smashed open the door, sending glass flying everywhere. A loud alarm pierced the quiet of the parking lot.
"Damn it!" Coach yelled and barrelled into the store.
"Coach, you could have just opened the door!" Rochelle cried, limping behind him.
"I don't care! I gotta prove I'm the toughest!" he yelled and ran to the back of the store.
"I'm the toughest, I'm the toughest, I'm the toughest," he whispered to himself standing above the cola.
"Get the cola, Rochelle!"
"You get it, your right there!" she yelled back.
"Grab the cola!" he said raising a fist.
Rochelle limped towards Coach and picked up the cola. "Grabbin' cola," she said meekly.
"That's what I damn thought," Coach said. "My arms are too weak to pick up some damn cola."
That was a lie. Though Coach didn't want anyone to know, least of all Rochelle, he wouldn't be able to control himself around the cola. He could just imagine the cold feeling of the slender bottle in his hands, the delicious fizzy substance, the smooth sexy...
"Coach what the- Get off!" Rochelle gasped in horror.
Coach snapped back to reality and realized he had been sucking on the unopened cola bottle.
"Oh, uh... I was just... Tightenin' the cap... Yeah."
"Right..." Rochelle said slowly and limped towards the exit.
Coach ran a hand down his face and straightened up. He shook his head vigorously.
"Getcha head in the game, Coach. Gotta getcha, getcha head in the game." He said to himself, quoting his favourite movie.
Rochelle and Coach burst out of the store, and saw Ellis grinding against Nick's face.
"What are you looking at? Go put the cola in the slot!" Nick barked, pointing towards the gun store.
Rochelle ran ahead of Coach, and chucked the cola up to the lot above them so she could shoot.
"Come on guys, cover me!" she pleaded, trying to beat the zombies that were swarming around her off.
Ellis looked up from Nick and rolled his eyes. "You're so goddamn needy," he huffed. He then brought a lighter out from behind Nick's ear and lit a Molotov.
"Ellis, don't you even thi-" Rochelle began, her eyes widening in horror.
The whorish redneck shrugged his shoulders and chucked it towards Rochelle, igniting her and the zombies surrounding her. She screamed loudly and ran into a puddle, flopping around trying to douse the flames.
"Coach!" Nick shouted. "You have to put the cola in the slot! Go!"
Coach looked up from eating a zombie, juicy eyes widening in fear. The eye juice ran down his face, marinating the zombie's arm.
"Ruh-roh!" Coach yelped.
He got back on all fours and leapt the fence. He crouched above the cola, lapping up the spilled soft drink with his salty, cow-like tongue.
Suddenly, he heard a loud, hacking cough. He perked one of his ears, trying to locate the sound.
"Oh snap!" Coach cried as the long, slippery tongue wrapped around his stomach. He struggled to gnaw through it, but his teeth weren't strong because despite what he thought, he wasn't a dog. No one noticed. Well, at least that's what he thought. Coach felt a large hand wrap around him, it was crusty and clammy, and picked him up gently, freeing him from the smoker's tongue.
"Please, don't be a dream!" Coach said to himself as he looked into the beautiful, tiny white bloodshot eyes of the charger. A small gooey strand fell from the eye and into Coach's eye. But as far as he was concerned, it had fallen into his heart.
"Thank you for this," Coach whispered, licking his face to devour the eye goo.
The charger snorted and he ran off, clutching Coach in his loving grasp. He dashed towards the truck, lovingly using Coach to swat away any zombies in their path.
"Where are you taking me?" Coach asked. "Who are you?" He could have swore he heard the charger grunt something like 'whoever you want me to be.' Then again, Coach was criminally insane.
Just as they were about to fully disappear, Coach heard Nick's nasally cry.
"Charger's got Coach!"
"Ruu nrr acck barrr." The charger said softly, comfortingly. He always knew just what to say.
The charger carried him through a parking lot, passing tents that said CEDA. Coach saw a familiar red door.
"Safe house!" Coach cried.
The charger carried him into the safe house. He sat down in a corner with Coach in his big scabby arm, and stroked his sweaty forehead with his tongue. Coach caressed the charger's rough cheek lovingly.
'My first love...' Coach thought. Well, besides Barbara, but she was dead so it didn't really count.
"What's your name...? I want to spend my life with you." Coach whispered softly.
"Murr." The charger replied.
"How can I love you if I don't know your name?" Coach asked rhetorically.
"MURR! MUUURRRRR!"
Then Coach had the brightest idea he has ever had. Coach reached inside the charger's pocket on his greasy, dirty, smelly overalls. He felt around in his pocket for a while, touching all the wrong (or maybe right) places, making them both giggle. Eventually Coach found the small leather wallet he was searching for. He opened it and dumped the contents on the floor. He found the charger's driver license, keychain that read 'Mom', change, and jolly ranchers.
"Iqbal Zardari..." Coach read aloud. "That's such a beautiful name!" There was a brief silence, and Iqbal kept licking Coach's face with his massive cow-like parasite ridden tongue. "I-I think I'm falling for you." Coach said, looking in Iqbal's dead eyes.
"Mananana. Mananana." Iqbal said.
Then Coach heard the familiar sound of Nick's nasally voice.
"I'm gonna kill that charger, and then make sweet, sweet love to Coach on top of it's body." He heard Nick say.
"ONTA ZTAP!" Iqbal exclaimed, standing up with Coach in his big, poop-like arm.
Before Coach could say anything, Iqbal ran out of the other safe house door. No zombies attacked them as they ran through the mall. Iqbal still carried big ol' loveable Coach. They stopped inside a store that was near the back of the mall. It had tinted windows and all the lights inside were dimmed and red. The store was called XXX-citement. Iqbal held him there, stroking his neck rolls and licking his face.
"I love you Iqbal." Coach said after a long silence. Coach knew he shouldn't be telling someone he loved them so soon, but ever since the smoker died he had been so vulnerable. He needed another man to fill that void in his heart. But Coach thought he really did love him, for risking his life to be with him, and not bashing him into the ground repeatedly until he died.
Coach looked around the room, and smiled. There were pictures of naked men everywhere, and there were movies and blow-up dolls of Inspector Gadget. It got him in the mood. He never considered himself gay, but maybe he would after this apocalypse. Like they say, 'surviving an apocalypse makes you gay'.
Coach kissed Iqbal, caressing his cold, smelly gray face.
"TAKE ME, IQBAL!" Coach screamed, peeling off Iqbal's crusty overalls that stuck to his skin. In fact, he might have peeled some skin along with it.
Coach untied his blanket-cape, still making out with Iqbal.
Coach smiled to himself. 'Maybe sleeping with a charger will prove I'm tougher than Barbara.'
Nick paced back and forth in the safe house. Nick, Ellis and—unfortunately-Rochelle had all made it to the safe house safe, but were worrying about Coach. The last they had seen of him was when he was way back by the Save 4 Less store, being carried away by the most wicked, yet most handsome charger he had ever seen. He was one hot piece of ass.
"I'm a find a shirt jus' like my old one once we get through that mall!" Ellis chirped happily. Nick remembered his old shirt; it said 'Bull Riders – I'm a ride you like a bull.' "Nick muffins, are you okay?" Ellis asked, concerned.
"No, I'm not! The only man I've ever loved was kidnapped by a charger, who is sexier than me, and he might leave me for him!" Nick cried.
Ellis cringed at his words, tears spilling out of his eyes. He looked at Nick, devastated. "I thought you loved me." Ellis said, crying.
Nick backhanded Ellis. "WE GOTTA FIND COOOOOOOOOOAAAACH!"
Coach was almost done with Iqbal. He didn't stop when he heard voices, thinking it was the Toy Story dildo collection going off again.
"I have a feeling where Coach might have gone." Nick said, less angry. He stopped the group outside the door.
"Umm, Nick. This is a gay erotica store." Ellis said. "I would know, 'cause one time me and my buddy Keith came here when his uncle was-"
"Ellis-" Rochelle started, but decided it would be better just not to talk, because they always told her to shut up anyway.
"That's what I thought." Ellis said, glaring at her.
Nick led them inside the store, to see an unSEXpected surprise. They couldn't believe their eyes.
Coach froze, and realized that wasn't the voice of Buzz Lightyear. He turned around to see Nick, Ellis and Rochelle staring at him and Iqbal. Nick reached for his gun...
End of Chapter 3