"Bobuddy—NO!" Coach screamed, spittle flying from his mouth.
"AIYEE!" Nick screeched, firing his shotgun again and again, just missing the pile of filth which Coach and Iqbal were laying in.
"To infinity, and beyond!" The Buzz Lightyear dildo collection cried out in unison for the final time.
"They never worked anyway... Extra girth my sexy ass. Now for you, man stealer!" Nick snarled, whirling his gun towards Iqbal.
"NO! Nick, wait!" Coach yelled, rolling in front of Iqbal. Iqbal was sweating and trembling in fear. Small beads of sweat rolled off the tips of his quivering nipples as he sobbed in sorrowful sadness.
"Make it fast, or I blow Rochelle's brains out." He hissed, holding the gun to Rochelle's head, full of lice and scalp grease. The gun almost slid in all the gunky, wet grease, but Nick somehow managed to hold it steady.
"Coach, no!" Rochelle sobbed.
Coach looked towards Rochelle, and shrugged indifferently.
"I'm alright with this." Coach said.
"Guys!" Rochelle whined.
"Way to ruin the moment, jerk." Ellis snapped.
"Well, before Rochelle ruined everything, I was going to say, I love you. But I love Iqbal more. We had some good times, but that was in the past." Coach sighed.
Nick nodded for him to continue.
"You know," Coach said with a smile playing on his disgusting, cracking, red gooey lips. "When I first met you, you reminded me of a stripper I saw in Vegas once."
"Coach! I was that stripper in Vegas!" Nick exclaimed.
"Remember the bucket? The ear skin? Oh, with the extension cord!" Coach asked.
"Yeah! And the sword!"
Ellis and Iqbal exchanged confused looks.
"I still want this... zombie gone." Nick hissed once again. "He has five seconds."
"RUN, IQBAL, RUN!" Coach hollered, smacking Iqbal on the ass.
Iqbal shrieked in fright and arousal, and dashed out of the store, making squeaky noises with each step.
"Put on some clothes," Ellis said, half-heartedly covering his eyes.
Coach tied the blanket back around his neck.
"Much better, I'll take it off later." Ellis said with a wink. Green crust slowly fell from his eye to the floor like dry snow.
Coach was surprised when he felt something like piss falling out of his eyes.
"Oh, Hell, I know I ain't crying! I'm the toughest!" Coach said, smashing himself in the face.
"I'm sorry C-"
"Look, just because I'm having a bad day doesn't mean I like you all of a sudden. Screw off, Rochelle." Coach snapped.
"Coach. We can't lug around a charger. It's going to kill us." Ellis said putting a sympathetic hand on Coach's neck rolls. He stroked them lovingly, and they purred and trembled in delight.
"Iqbal is different! He is like the prince charming I have been waiting for since I was a little girl!" Coach argued.
"I don't want to hear about this Iqbal guy anymore. If I see him, I shoot him. If I hear him, I shoot him. If I taste him, I eat him. Then shoot him." Nick said, sauntering ahead of everyone with a sexy gait.
"Spitter!" Rochelle yelled, pointing a finger and firing her gun at the same time, so she didn't accomplish much.
"Are you gonna cheat on me with that Spitter, too?" Nick asked Coach cruelly, cutting the Spitter apart with his face.
"But you guys only knew each other for like two days! You hardly even talked to each other!" Rochelle cried.
"SHUT UP!" The three men yelled in unison.
The rest of the walk was silence.
"Oh, Iqbal, how I miss you..." Coach sighed to himself as he beat a charger to death with a frying pan in the most humane way possible. Just in case he was watching.
"I HATE YOU!" Nick screamed suddenly, and threw his weapon to the ground, causing everyone to jump.
Nick ran back down the escalator they were climbing with tears in his eyes, and out of sight.
"Nick come..." Rochelle started. She waited for someone to cut her off. "...back..."
Ellis shot her a glare.
"Come back, sugar muffin!" Ellis whined, hurrying after him.
"No... It's all my fault..." Coach gasped, clutching his hands over his heart.
"He's gone." Rochelle said mournfully, staring at the horizon where Nick had fled.
Coach collapsed to his knees, nearly shattering them. "Niiiiiiiick!" He cried into the sky. "Return to me, my love!"
"Come on Coach, we need to go find them," Rochelle said, extending her warty hand to Coach.
"Don't touch me, you witch!" Coach hissed, laying on his back and swatting at her hand with his feet.
Rochelle recoiled, smelly tears falling from her dry eyes. She could hardly see through the liquid and the green stink fumes.
"Stop crying, you filthy animal! We need to find Nick. And Ellis, too," Coach said rolling down the stairs towards the smell of Ellis' perfume. "He can't be far off; I'd recognize that lettuce scented Wal-Mart perfume anywhere."
Coach and Rochelle traveled all through the mall in silence, trying to sniff out Ellis and Nick.
"Look," Rochelle yelled, "Is that him?"
She pointed towards a small naked ball in the middle of the mall fountain.
"Ellis!" Coach cried, running over to the fountain and peering inside.
It was Ellis. And he was trapped in the fountain.
"Help me, Coach!" He gargled, swatting at the water. "I can't get through! The water is too thick! Help me!"
"I'm a coming, boy! Hang in there!" Coach said, trying to plunge his hand into the water and pull out Ellis, but it was, indeed, too thick. "I can't! This water is like ice or something!"
"Coach, you have to save him!" Rochelle said, hyperventilating on the floor.
"I'm trying; I don't see you doing anything!"
Then, suddenly he heard Nick's voice in his head.
"Just follow your stomach, Coach. Follow your stomach~"
"You're right, Nick! I just need to follow my stomach!" Coach exclaimed.
"What the Hell are you talking about?" Rochelle cried out, bewildered.
"Back off Rochelle, give me some room!" Coach said, running towards Rochelle and kicking her across the floor.
"I'm coming!" Coach said and plunged his face into the water.
He began lapping up the water with his tongue, taking huge gulps.
"You can do this," he said to himself. "You've drank bigger fountains than this!"
"HUUUEHHWWWEEEHH!" Ellis gasped, inhaling the sweet, delicious oxygen. He flung back his hair, splashing water everywhere. "Thank you, Coach!" I ain't never seen no one drink an entire fountain before! I didn't know a man could take that much liquid! Well, actually, there was this one time, me and my buddy Keith, we was trying ta break the world record for most-"
"Sssh, don't talk." Coach said picking up Ellis like he was a ragdoll and holding him to his chest. He patted his hair comfortingly with his bright red cow tongue.
Coach's mind wandered to dead, decaying cows on a frying pan, about to be made into a juicy burger for Coach to cram in his food hole...
"OH, GOD! COACH! STOP! HELP! HE'S EATING ME! PLEASE!" Ellis begged.
"COACH! OH MY GOD! LET HIM GO!"
Coach growled and snapped back into reality, turns out the hamburger he crammed in his mouth was actually half of Ellis' face. His beautiful face.
Coach swallowed what he bit off, because you never let a good meal go to waste.
Ellis screamed in terror and clutched his face; blood seeped from in between his fingers. A flap of skin was hanging loosely and fluttering in the wind. Ellis vomited from the pain.
"OH GOD! SHIT! COACH, WHAT THE HELL?"
Coach puckered his thin, bloody lips and kissed the wound, but nothing happened.
"Sorry folks, crazy stuff happens to me during a full moon." Coach whispered seductively.
"S'alright." Ellis muttered hoarsely.
"Here, lemme patch you up," muttered Rochelle, and wrapped some duct tape around Ellis' head.
"Tha.. Than..." Ellis stammered, staring at Rochelle. He shook his head quickly. "I mean... Go ta Hell."
"Let's get moving, into action," Coach instructed and led everyone onwards through the mall.
They staggered blindly through the mall for hours. Or at least, Coach did. He had blindfolded himself to prove he was tougher than Barbara. The others had to follow behind them, for if they didn't they would feel the wrath of Coach's mighty fist.
Coach continued to wave his arms wildly. He trusted his hands more than his eyes because like he always said "you can pick up food with your hands better than your eyes". Coach had tried to pick up spaghetti with his eyes once. He had been in a coma for 4 months.
"Oooh, boy! I think I got him!" Coach bellowed, grasping something that was slimy like Jell-o and rough like sandpaper. "I would recognize your gorgeous skin anywhere, Nick."
Ellis and Rochelle stood and stared in awe as they watched Coach rub the roof of a zombie's mouth. The zombie was shocked as well, but not shocked long enough. It let out an ungodly yowl and chomped down on Coach's hand as hard as it could muster.
"Mmm mmm MMMM. Nick! You sure are a frisky little kitty cat! Kitty's got claws, meow!" Coach said in a raunchy, ranchy dressing voice.
Ellis could feel rage and jealousy burning up inside him. "No one touches my man!" he snarled and hurtled himself feet first towards the zombies. He wrapped his legs around the zombie's neck and snapped it, only after humping its face a few times to show it who the boss was.
"Nick!" Coach howled and fell to his knees, feeling the floor all around him. He felt all over the zombie's face with his fat fingers and gasped in horror.
"This isn't Nick at all!" he gasped. "It'sa... It'sa..."
"Zombie?" Rochelle offered.
"No, you flabby bellied whipper snipper! It's an imposter!"
Rochelle turned away from Coach, and cried silently.
Ellis raised his hand to smack the tears out of Rochelle's eyes, and Coach opened his mouth to snack the tears out of Rochelle's eyes. But before they could, they heard a curious wheezing noise.
Ellis and Coach froze and looked at each other.
"Nick!" they yelled, and began to run towards the noise.
"Guys!" Rochelle yelled hurrying after them. "We can't just run towards every wheezing noise we hear!"
"We have to try!" Coach said determinedly.
They galloped towards the source of the wheezing noise. It had leaded them to Great Huge Johnson's Plastic Rings and Bag Emporium. There, they found a horrible sight.
It was Nick. He had his neck caught in one of the plastic rings used to hold cans of Pepsi. He gasped and choked, his face was a violent shade of purple. Empty cans of Pepsi were strewn all around him. He flopped around like a dolphin, tears streaming from his majestic eyes.
"Oh... My sweet little angel..." Ellis whispered mournfully. He crouched beside Nick and ran his hand through Nick's greasy hair. Ellis looked up at Coach, tears in his eyes.
"You have to do something." he choked.
"I'll try." Coach replied and crouched next to Nick.
Nick looked at Coach, his eyes darting wildly. Pleadingly.
"Now you just hold still, Bobuddy." Coach said, trying to calm the choking man. He lowered his nose above Nick's neck and inhaled sharply. "Ah. I see." he muttered.
Coach began to bite off and swallow the plastic that was around Nick's neck. His teeth began to bleed and crack, but that just made him hungrier for justice. He ate off the plastic that was choking Nick, and he ate the rest of the plastic ring just to prove he was the toughest.
Nick choked, his lungs unaccustomed to the generous amount of air that he was now receiving. He sat on the floor for an hour, wheezing and coughing. He had only been out of breath for 2 minutes, but he liked being overdramatic.
"Christ," he muttered, and spat out the teeth that had fallen out of Coach's mouth and into his.
"Oh, Nickypoo!" Ellis cried, throwing his arms around Nick's neck.
Nick licked Ellis' salty ear and murmured something the others couldn't hear, but it was something undeniably sexy.
"Aw Nick," Ellis blushed. "That reminds me of the time, me an' my buddy Keith, we was at the bar, and there was like all these tractors dancin' fer, like, money and stuff, and Keith was pretty sure that he could beat one in a wrestlin' match, but tractors don't have no arms so to make it fair Keith decided to-"
Nick put his toe over Ellis' sweet and sour lips and hushed him.
They group stood there for a minute in awkward silence. Ellis looked around, clearing his throat. Suddenly his eyes widened in delight.
"Oh man!" he shouted in glee. "A toy store!"
"Ellis! Wait!" Nick cried, trying to grab his hair.
But Ellis was already in the toy store. He touched everything with his grimy hands, tearing through boxes and flinging cute giraffe plushies everywhere.
"Don't hurt them!" Coach cried, catching the giraffes. He brought one to his chest and kissed the top of its mouldy head.
"Don't break anything either," Nick snapped. "You break it you buy it, and I don't have a lot of money on me."
"Nick, I don't really think money matters anymo-" Rochelle began.
"Rochelle, you just shut yer fat face! Tellin' Nick how to spend his money, you make me so goddamn sick. You're just mad 'cause you don't get anything! Well guess what! You got a toy last time! You're just mad that Nick likes me better! I wish you were never born! I could just-"Ellis stopped abruptly when he noticed everyone staring at him in stunned silence.
"Ellis..." Nick began hesitantly.
"I know... I know, I'm awful sorry. I shouldn't rub it in Rochelle's face that everyone likes me better."
"That's right." Coach said proudly, and patted Ellis on the head. "Now you go play with your toys, son."
Ellis beamed radiantly and continued tossing giraffe plushies throughout the store.
Coach and Nick and been conversing when they were suddenly interrupted by the sound of shattering glass, followed shortly by a shrill alarm.
"Oh, God! Ellis!" Nick yelled. "How could you throw the limited edition lead giraffe plushie! I've been searching for that my entire life!"
"More importantly, you just triggered an alarm! All the infected for miles are going to be on our asses!" Rochelle snapped.
"Shut up, Rochelle!" Coach snarled. "He's angered the mall gods! Listen!"
The shrill alarm was joined by a chorus of angry howling.
"Run!" Coach screamed, and grabbed Ellis by the hand.
Coach charged a hole through the glass window, the others following closely behind.
"Up those stairs!" Rochelle yelled, pointing ahead of them. "Go!"
They were halfway up the stairs when they heard Ellis gasp in horror.
"Where's Nick?" he sobbed.
Coach whirled his head around, searching the zombie-filled floor below them.
"There he is!" Coach boomed.
Nick was almost to the stairs. He was huffing and puffing, struggling to move. He seemed to be weighed down by something...
"For Christ's sake!" Rochelle screamed. "Nick! Drop that giraffe!"
"But- but. It's the limited edition lead-"
"Exactly! Lead. Drop that stupid thing!"
"He's not stupid! He knows three tricks!" Nick protested.
Nick faced a difficult choice. He could either die alone with the giraffe, or live alone without the giraffe. He began to sob violently. The infected swarmed around him, biting and striking him, eager to kill.
"I don't know!" he cried in pain in confusion. "I-I-"
Nick was interrupted by an earth shattering roar. The ground trembled beneath the survivors. Ellis peed on the stairs, his urine spilled down it like a waterfall. They were witnessing the largest zombie any of them had ever seen.
"I told ya'll The Incredible Hulk was my dad! Ya'll said he wasn't real!" Ellis howled.
Nick snapped his head up at the sound of his lover's voice and the smell of his urine. He turned back to the limited edition lead giraffe plushie, and then to Ellis again. He realized that he wouldn't be able to go to roller discos with the giraffe like he could with Ellis.
"I'm sorry..." he whispered, and kissed it for the final time. He gave it a ring from his finger from his first marriage as a memento, and without further goodbyes, he dashed off towards the others.
Ellis grasped Nick's hand tightly and the pair ran up the stairs after Coach and Rochelle. Rochelle was clinging to Coach's stomach. She hoped with all her heart he wouldn't notice and throw her to the zombies.
A chunk of concrete narrowly missed Coach's head.
"We needa get outta the open! Follow me!" he cried and ran into a room.
In the room there were several shotguns, a closet, and a control panel.
"Hey, I think that's the controls to shut off this alarm!" Rochelle said happily.
"Shuddup, Rochelle! We don't got time to listen to you! Keep running!" Ellis barked.
Rochelle died inside as they ran past the controls and out of the room, the alarm still wailing.
They ran and ran until they reached a broken down escalator.
Rochelle jumped off Coach's stomach and clambered up the stairs, followed closely by Nick and Ellis.
"I see a saferoom over there!" Nick shouted. "C'mon Coach!"
Coach stood dumbly on the bottom of the escalator.
"I can't! It's broken ya'll!"
Tears streamed down Coach's glistening face, as he realized that if the escalator didn't fix, he would never make it to the top. He choked back a fresh wave of tears as he was reminded of how when he was a li'l peanut he wanted to be the top of Broadway. His father had told him he was stupid and fat and he never pursued his dreams.
"I gotta bop bop bop, bop to the top!" Coach howled in determination and, mustering all his strength, climbed the broken escalator. He could almost feel the zombie's hot breath on his ass, but that could have been Nick.
He roared and picked Ellis, Nick, and Rochelle up under his arms. He dashed into the safehouse and threw everyone into a pile. Nick jumped up and brushed himself off while Rochelle closed the door.
"That thing'll never break down that door with that bar on it!" Ellis said, accomplished.
Coach collapsed on the floor, breathing heavily. "We did it ya'll," he panted.
Nick stood in front of the door, peering into the dim mall. His lip trembling and his eyes were flooding with tears.
Ellis approached him cautiously. "What's wrong, buddy?" he asked placing a hand on his shoulder.
"Nothing!" Nick snapped. "Go away!"
"Nick, I..." Ellis began, pulling his hand back as if he had been burned.
"I'm sorry, baby." Nick sighed. "I just... That giraffe..." his voice cracked at the last word, and he bit his lip. He avoided Ellis' eyes. He didn't want Ellis to see him cry.
"We can get you a new one," Ellis offered. All he wanted was to see Nick's beautiful smile back on his face where it belonged. He wanted Nick's beautiful lips on his own, where they belonged.
"I don't want a new one! I wanted that one! The limited... My whole life. I..."
"Son, just leave the man be. He's grieving, don't you see?" Coach pulled Ellis gently to the side.
Rochelle couldn't believe the ridiculousness of the situation. She smashed her face against the wall until she passed out.
Nick stared at the door for hours. Zombies were pounding on the metal bars, and the big one was chucking chunks of concrete. The door stood strong. The alarm had stopped about an hour ago, but no one had noticed.
Rochelle was still passed out, and Coach was sleeping on his side. His arms and legs were jerking as if he were running.
"Look," Ellis said, turning Nick's head. He didn't go to sleep until Nick did. He couldn't sleep without his glorious queen. "He's dreaming."
Nick's cold demeanour melted, and he smiled. He walked towards Coach and crouched down, making cooing noises.
"Hey, Ellis..." Nick began.
"Yeah?"
"Thanks for, you know. Cheering me up and crap. I'm sorry I snapped at you, I know we can get a new giraffe..."
"It's okay," Ellis smiled.
"No, it's not okay. Snapping at you is like killing a unicorn or drowning a kitten. It's not right, but it makes you feel good at the time."
Ellis lay down with Nick and put his head on his legs. He could feel something poking into his ear through Nick's pants.
"Nick, is that a cucumber in your pocket or you just happy to see me?"
"A little bit of both." Nick winked.
That night Nick and Ellis made sweet love for the third time, and for the first time they made it on Rochelle.
End of chapter four.