Scene opens in Joey's apartment. Monica and Rachel are walking out of Rachel's room with boxes. Ross is standing by the door.
Rachel: Okay! These are the last of them. Except for Emma's things and the bed, we're all set.
Ross: That's great! I'll go over and start setting up Emma's crib in her room.
Ross leaves the room, leaving the door open. Enter Phoebe.
Phoebe: Hey. Oh, look at you, all packed!
Rachel: I know! Isn't it great? Ross and I are in love, we're living together as a family...I feel like I'm in a fairy tale!
Monica: Well, princess Rachel, we still need to get this stuff over. So if you'd be so kind as to move out of my way, this box is getting heavy.
Phoebe: What's in it?
Monica glares at Rachel.
Monica: Rachel's shoes.
Phoebe: Well, that's not so bad.
Monica: This is box one ofTHREE.
Theme song and title sequence plays.
So no one told you life was going to be this way.
Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA.
It's like you're always stuck in second gear,
Well, it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.
But, I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour.
I'll be there for you, like I've been there before.
I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too.
Scene opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Rachel walk in, each holding a box. Monica sets hers on the counter.
Monica: Seriously, Rachel, who needs three boxes of SHOES?
Ross enters from Monica's old room.
Ross: Where are Emma's clothes at? I wanna start getting them put away.
Rachel: I think they're in one of the boxes over at Joey's place. We're still hauling them over.
Monica: Wait, hold on. You're putting Emma in MY old room? What's wrong with Rachel's room?
Rachel: That's still my room. Well, OUR room.
Monica: Why?
Ross mutters something under his breath.
Monica: What?
Ross: I said I can't sleep in the same room my sister had sex in, okay? It's just too weird!
Monica stares at Ross, as Joey enters.
Ross: Hey, Joey. Have you seen Chandler?
Joey: I think he's downstairs with Phoebe. Why, what's up?
Ross: I need you guys to help me get Emma's crib put together.
Rachel stares at Ross.
Rachel: You haven't even gotten Emma's crib put together? What have you been doing all that time?
Ross: Hauling boxes in, and making sure the movers got my furniture out, that's what.
Joey: Besides, don't worry, Rach. Between the three of us, we'll have that crib put together in an hour, tops.
Rachel shakes her head, as she goes back to Joey's apartment. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Chandler is sitting on the couch, playing on his computer. Enter Monica.
Monica: There you are! Joey and Ross are looking for you.
Chandler: Oh? Well they didn't look here! This must be SUCH a great hiding spot. I would have won this game of hide and seek - IF we were playing...
Monica glares.
Monica: They need your help in putting Emma's crib together.
Chandler looks up.
Chandler: They want me to use tools? I am SO on it!
Chandler gets up, and runs out the door, leaving his computer behind. A few seconds later, he runs back in.
Chandler: Which room are they putting her in?
Monica: Our old one. Ross says he can't sleep in the same room we had sex in, the big baby.
Chandler: Okay.
Chandler grabs his computer, and runs out the door. A few seconds later, Rachel and Phoebe come in. Rachel and Monica sit on the couch, while Phoebe sits in the chair.
Monica: So how long do you think it'll take them to get finished in there?
Rachel: Joey said about an hour. I'd say give them two or three. Which gives us time to go shopping.
Phoebe: Yeah, that's always fun! Especially with Mike still out of town.
Monica turns to Rachel.
Monica: So, what're you gonna do with your bed?
Rachel: I thought I'd see if Joey wanted to keep it in there, for something for guests to use.
Phoebe jumps up, and points at Rachel.
Phoebe: No! You BURN that thing, Rachel! You BURN it right now! It's evil, and tainted! Strike a match, and cleanse that mattress in fire!
Monica, Rachel, and half of the coffeehouse stare at Phoebe in shock, as a waitress walks over.
Waitress: Can I get you three anything?
Monica: Two coffees for us, and a decaf for her.
Monica points to Phoebe, as Gunther walks past.
Gunther: Better make that a permanent decaf.
Phoebe stares, as Gunther goes back to the counter. Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross is standing by the counter, as Chandler walks in.
Chandler: Hey.
Ross: Hey. Where have you been? We sent Monica after you almost an hour ago.
Chandler: Yeah, I know. I got sidetracked on my way up.
Ross: By what?
Chandler holds up a box with Chick and Duck Jr. in it.
Chandler: Joey's kids, deciding to go for a stroll toward Chinatown.
(A/N New York residents, please forgive my lack of geographical knowledge. Is Chinatown anywhere near Central Park? For that matter, IS there a Chinatown in NYC?)
Ross groans.
Ross: I guess Rachel and Monica forgot to shut his door when they left.
Chandler (sarcastically): Really? Because I figured they learned how to open the door, and decided it'd be nice to go for a stroll on a day like this.
Ross glares at Chandler, as Joey walks out of Emma's room.
Joey: Hey. Where you been, we got a crib to set up.
Joey looks in the box, and sees Chick and Duck Jr. staring back.
Joey: Oh, cool! You brought them over to help?
Chandler looks at Ross.
Chandler: Uh...yeah! Except that Ross was worried they might get out the window and disappear, so I'm gonna take them back over to your place.
Joey: Cool! Oh, hey, Chandler! On your way back, can you grab me a beer?
Chandler shakes his head, as he walks back over to Joey's apartment. Scene ends and opens in the mall. Rachel, Phoebe, and Monica are walking through the food court. Monica inhales deeply.
Monica: Mmmm, smell those good smells! You know, I think this is my favorite part of the mall. All the spices, the smells of things cooking...oh my god, I'm getting hungry! Anyone want a pretzel?
Phoebe: Yeah, let's get some! Ooh, let's get a cinnamon flavored soft pretzel! We can split it among the three of us!
Rachel: Yeah, I'm really not all that hungry, to be honest.
Monica: Good. More for us.
Scene ends and opens in a department store. Rachel is browsing through a rack of designer shirts, as Monica and Phoebe stand nearby, each eating their half of a pretzel. Rachel holds up a cream-colored dress shirt.
Rachel: You think this shirt would go good with anything I have for an interview?
She holds it up to herself. Phoebe looks at the shirt, as well as Rachel.
Phoebe: I think it'd be great for a date with Ross, but that's about it.
Rachel: What do you think, Mon?
Monica: How much is it?
Rachel looks at the price tag, and immediately puts the shirt back on the rack. Monica smiles.
Monica: Maybe you can talk Ross into getting it for you for your birthday, or Christmas.
Rachel: Not at THAT price. He'd have to take a loan out to be able to afford it.
Phoebe: OR, you could do that puppy dog look. That always works.
Rachel giggles.
Rachel: Yeah, but that's normally a last-resort weapon.
Scene ends and opens in Emma's room. Joey and Chandler are sitting on the floor with a bunch of crib parts scattered around. Ross is standing near the doorway with an annoyed look on his face.
Ross: I thought you said this was gonna take only an hour!
Joey: It did!
Ross: That was three HOURS ago! There's more pieces now than there were when we started!
Joey: Well, it took an hour to break it down as far as we did!
Ross: And it would have taken less time if you hadn't stopped for beer and Baywatch!
Chandler: Ross, it's Baywatch!
Ross turns to Chandler.
Ross: It's not even on TV anymore! And you didn't help matters by putting the tape in and sitting down with him!
Chandler: Well...he offered beer!
Ross groans and pulls out his cell phone.
Ross: I'm gonna call Rachel, see where she put the instructions for this thing at.
Joey looks uncomfortable.
Joey: Uh...she gave them to me, and I sorta used it for the birds' bedding one time.
Ross groans again and thumps his head against the wall.
Chandler: Why don't you just look them up online?
Ross: Hey, Mr. High Tech Whiz Kid: I don't own a computer. And even if I DID, the movers aren't here with my furniture yet!
Chandler: Ross, you forget that I have a laptop computer. It's in my bag. All I need to do is find a wireless signal, and we can have those instructions in no time.
Ross: And where IS your bag?
Chandler: Sitting in Joey's recliner.
Ross: You left your bag in JOEY'S apartment? The shrine to pizza and beer?
Chandler:...yeah.
Ross: I'll go get it. You two just start working on getting that crib back together. I'll only be gone a minute or two.
Ross exits to Joey's apartment. Joey turns to Chandler.
Joey: Did you see the new Pamela Anderson shot on Vogue?
Chandler just stares at him. Scene ends and opens in Emma's room. Part of the crib is reassembled. Enter Ross with Chandler's bag.
Ross: Okay, here you go. Can you find a wireless signal in this building?
Chandler (sarcastically): I don't know, my mutant powers of detecting signals isn't WORKING RIGHT NOW! I have to turn the computer ON first.
Ross: Just work on it. Joey, do you remember the name of the company who made the crib?
Joey: Uh...
Joey looks at the crib bars for the logo.
Joey: Graco.
Chandler wanders over to the window, staring at his computer monitor.
Chandler: Got a signal! Okay, let's see here...you said Graco?
Joey: That's what it said on the bars.
Chandler: I haven't heard those words used since I was twenty. Graco what?
Joey: I don't know, it said "Graco". That was it.
Chandler sighs.
Chandler: Ross, you remember what it looked like assembled? Because we're gonna need to go to through pictures to find it.
Ross: Yeah, I remember.
Ross walks over and starts looking through the crib pictures with Chandler. Scene ends and opens in the mall. Rachel is trying on a pair of pants. Monica is sitting by the dressing room door.
Monica: You know, I'm not sure Ross is going to like the idea of you spending so much money on clothes.
Rachel (from dressing room): I'm not spending that much, Mon. Besides, I'm trying these on, not buying them. It can be a Christmas or birthday present from him for me.
Monica: At the rate you're going, he's gonna be broke just shopping for you.
Rachel (from dressing room): Hey, this is giving them time to get the crib up, and get the furniture moved in. AND, we don't have to help there. You should be glad.
Monica: And miss out on the chance to tell people what to do? No way! ... I mean... And miss out on the chance to help you get everything sorted there?
Enter Phoebe, with a box in her hands.
Phoebe: You guys are never gonna believe what I found over at the antique store!
Monica: What?
Phoebe sets down the box, and opens it to reveal a beautiful antique tea set. Monica gasps.
Monica: Phoebe, that's beautiful!
Phoebe: I know, right? Wait till I show this to Mike! He'll love it!
Rachel sticks her head out from the dressing room.
Rachel: Love what?
Phoebe shows her the tea set. Rachel gazes at it lovingly.
Rachel: Awwwwww, that IS gorgeous! You guys think Ross would let me buy something like that?
Monica: What would you use it for? We normally go to the coffeehouse, remember?
Rachel glares at her, then goes back into the dressing room.
Rachel (from dressing room): How much was that, Pheebs?
Phoebe: About a hundred dollars, on sale.
Rachel sticks her head out again.
Rachel: And you two say I spend too much on clothes?
Monica and Phoebe stare at her. Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross is scrolling through the pictures of cribs.
Ross: Oh, I found it!
Ross heads for the room, as Chandler comes out.
Ross: Do you have a PDF viewer on here? Wait, why is it saying the page won't load? LOAD, you stupid page!
Chandler grabs the computer from Ross, and looks at the screen.
Chandler: Oh, no, no, no, no, no! The wireless signal is lost! It's gonna take me forever to find a new one!
Chandler walks back over to the window, and begins looking for a new signal.
Chandler: Ross, you CANNOT wander away from this spot with the computer. If you do, it's gonna lose the signal, and nothing will load.
Ross: Then how am I supposed to get these instructions to you two in there?
Chandler pauses, as he thinks on that.
Chandler: Good question. How about shouting them in there?
Joey walks out of the room.
Joey: Or we could assemble it out here, and then take it IN the room.
Ross and Chandler stare at him.
Chandler: Your parents fed you paint chips as a kid, didn't they?
Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Monica and Rachel are sitting on the couch. Phoebe is sitting in the chair. Shopping bags sit near Rachel, and Phoebe's box is on the coffee table in front of them. Monica comes back from the counter with a muffin for all three of them.
Monica: I can't believe you actually bought that outfit! And what's with the shoes?
Rachel: They match! How many times have you gone shopping for clothes and found out your shoes didn't match when you got home?
Monica thinks.
Monica: A few times, but then I just send Chandler back to the store to get me the pair I wanted.
Phoebe: Yeah, that's what you should've done! Send Ross to the store for shoes!
Rachel: Guys, Ross is upstairs putting together Emma's crib. I'm not going to send him off to the store right now just to get me a pair of shoes!
Monica: I thought Joey said they'd have it done in an hour.
Rachel: Mon, this is JOEY we're talking about. Remember how long it took him to put together that entertainment center? I think we had to call the fire department 3 times on false alarms when he was working on that.
Monica and Phoebe nod in agreement.
Monica: So how long do you wanna wait down here before we go upstairs and burst their egos?
Rachel checks her watch.
Rachel: Let's give them a couple more hours, then we'll go up there. We can get the rest of those boxes from Joey's place while we're at it, too.
Monica and Phoebe shrug. Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Night has fallen. Ross is standing by the window, looking at his old apartment across the street. Behind him is the furniture from his place. Chandler and Joey are sitting at the table, drinking a beer. Chandler looks over at Ross.
Chandler: You want a beer, Ross? I mean, we got the crib up, the boxes moved in, and the furniture placed where we want it. Can you imagine the looks on the faces of the girls when they get back, and see what we did?
Ross (facing the window): Yeah, it'll be pretty good. Especially the look on Rachel's face.
Chandler: What are you so interested in over there?
Ross turns away from the window.
Ross: I was thinking about when Ugly, Naked Guy was over there. Makes me wonder: who's gonna move in there now? I kinda wish he was back over there.
Chandler: I wouldn't worry about it, unless you get some creepy stalker or pedophile over there.
Ross glares at Chandler.
Ross (sarcastically): Thank you, Chandler, for that pep talk on my new neighbors. Why don't you mention those kind of people around Rachel when she walks in? See what she thinks?
Chandler opens his mouth to speak, but is interrupted by the door opening. Enter Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe.
Rachel: We're ho...
Rachel gasps.
Rachel: Oh my god, Ross, you got the apartment finished!
Ross smiles nervously.
Ross: Yeah. I hope you like it.
Rachel looks around at the furnished apartment, drops her bags on the floor, and walks over to give Ross a hug.
Rachel: I love it! I can't believe you got the apartment set up already! You're the sweetest man ever!
Rachel gives Ross a deep kiss.
Ross: And the best part...we got Emma's crib set up, all of yours and hers boxes moved over, and her things unloaded and put away. All you have to do is unload your boxes, then we can take them down to the dumpster.
Monica: Wait, what dumpster?
Ross: They put a new cardboard recycling dumpster next to the trash dumpster. You can just throw cardboard boxes in there.
Monica looks irritably at Chandler. Scene ends and opens in Joey's apartment. Joey is talking to Chick and Duck Jr.
Joey: You guys have to be more careful where you go. If Chandler hadn't found you, who knows where you might've ended up?
Enter Phoebe.
Phoebe: Hey, Joey? We're about to have some cake to celebrate Ross and Rachel's homecoming. Are you gonna be coming over?
Joey: Yeah, I'll be there shortly. Oh, hey, listen, Phoebe...there's something I gotta tell you.
Phoebe shuts the front door, as she stares at Joey. Credits appear on screen.
CREDITS SCENE:
Ross and Rachel are sitting on the couch, watching a movie. Emma is in her room, asleep.
Ross: What a day, huh?
Rachel: Mm hm. I still can't believe you three got the apartment finished before we got back. I'm so proud of you.
Ross: Thanks.
Ross leans in to kiss Rachel, just as a cry comes from Emma's room.
Emma: Mama!
Rachel groans, and enters Emma's room.
Rachel (from Emma's room): Ross! Why is there a picture of Pamela Anderson on our daughter's wall?
(A/N I know, I know. When am I gonna get to the big reveal? Sorry, readers, I couldn't resist the devil on my shoulder that said to tease you guys for another week. Next week's episode, all will be revealed. I promise. Unless my angel goes on vacation, & gets replaced by another devil...LOL)