I don't own twilight.
This is slightly intertwined with the fourth chapter of New Moon so I can sort of link the story I wrote with the one in New Moon, but the story will for the most part veer away from the one Stephenie Meyer wrote.
Chapter One:
Rain petted the window gently as I was slowly aroused into consciousness by the sound. Not wanting to open my eyes I blindly reached over for comfort, my hand continued its search for a few more dragging moments until it gave up. Annoyed I grumbled incoherently before propping myself up whilst rubbing sleep from my eyes. The rain continued petting the window as I slowly opened my eyes to the soft light wavering into my room through the curtains. Great another day without him, without my Edward.
Realising this sorry fact I slumped back into bed wanting nothing more than sleep to overcome me till the day I die. However the pain smacked me in the gut. Edward was not my Edward, Edward did not want me. I always knew he was too perfect for someone as ordinary and weak as a human like me. Unable to stop myself, my mind begun bringing forth images of how beautifully god like he was; his special crooked smile, perfectly sculpted tall slim body, his perfect golden to onyx eyes, his thick wavy auburn hair, his melodic voice, his charm, his beauty, his smell, his lips... I never deserved someone anywhere near to perfect let alone him, with his beyond human beauty. Tears welled up in the corners of my eyes as that wretched whole made me clutch at my body trying to somehow mend the emptiness that made me feel as though my body would collapse in on itself; my world, my universe had already gone, since he left, it's not like that could collapse. I felt like a moon was circling a planet which was no longer there yet still circled in hope.
"Bella!" Charlie gently but firmly called up the stairs. What time is it? Did I do something wrong? Charlie never wakes me in the morning. I guess it's because unlike the past months I haven't woken up screaming bloody murder. Maybe that is it...
I slowly once again got up rubbed my eyes, but this time to rid myself of the tears, those wretched tears, and removed my blanket. My body shivered at the unexpected temperature of a cooler room. Lazily I pulled on my 'favourite' comfy jeans and baggy tee-shirt, not that favourite or comfy had any meaning to me anymore, then quickly pulled on some socks and thumped down the stairs to Charlie awaiting me. Maybe I should cook him breakfast, I hope he still wants me too...
Tripping only once on the bottom stairs, I lazily trudged into the kitchen from where I heard Charlie call out to me. "Bell's come sit I made us some breakfast" he almost sounded pleading as he pet the seat next to him and gestured to his idea, or was it attempt, at making breakfast. I blinked at the milk and bowl of plain cereal. "Dad you forgot to pour juice" I mumbled as I retrieved two glasses and poured each of us a one. Charlie smiled sheepishly but still had that weird pleading aura. I tried my best to smile thanks and gesture jokingly at cereal being his idea of making breakfast before taking a seat and crossing my legs so it would feel less like my body was collapsing.
After a few minutes of mindlessly shovelling cereal in my mouth and gulping down my juice, Charlie interjected. "Bell's I think you should see someone, you're not coping. In life bad things happen and time normally heals things. But you honey aren't coping, so I made a few calls to the..."
"What are you saying? I'm fine, I ... wait you don't mean a shrink do you!" my voice turned sharp. My cereal bowl was now full of mush as I drew in a breath, trying to hide my crumpling face. I thought I was doing okay, my grades were good, I never broke curfew, I always had dinner ready and rarely served leftovers, all that for nothing, I thought I was protecting Charlie...
"Bella you don't do anything you are lifeless like a walking zombie. When Renee left that was hard for me but I held onto hope and it got better eventually. I think we both know that it is not getting better for you Bell's..." Charlie said as he got up and took our plates to the sink.
"I am fine" my voice turned flat as I got up to do the dishes. "I don't need help and I'm not going to go to a shrink. Dad, just tell me what I have done wrong and I'll fix it". He knew.
"Bella haven't you been listening to me or seen yourself for the past few months?" he growled angrily banging his fist on the table. "You do NOT do ANYTHING! It is like living with a robotised zombie. How could you have done something wrong if you don't do anything Bells?" he exclaimed breathing deeply to calm down.
"Fine I was going to get together with Jess this week. Now can I go?" I retorted.
"Yes Bell's you may go. I just want you to be you, and feel happy or at least something besides this. Just let me know after school when you are going to get together with Jess so I can call Billy, it might be on a day when a game is on."
"Thanks Dad" I said whilst trying to make an effort at a reassuring smile, but seemingly failed. Crap he definitely knew.
I could still hear the rain against the windows as I made my way almost shamefully up the stairs mulling over my new found insight into Charlie's power of observation verses power of conversation. I seriously thought that I was protecting him from me, I thought I could at least prove to Charlie that I could be strong so I would at least spare a person I cared for from me. I already hurt someone I loved and now he was gone... Besides I rebutted in my head to Charlie's earlier suggestion of seeing a shrink, psychoanalysis relies on the truth and in my case the truth would probably end up locked in a white padded room, restrained by a straight jacket; it is not like they'd believe anything about vampires let alone being a girlfriend of one...
The closing of the front door, preceding the sound of Charlie's police cruiser out front, starting its engine and driving away, alerted me to the loneliness of the empty house, reminding me that I would have to leave soon for school.
Sigh, the arduous task of looking presentable when I really didn't care about much besides the gaping hole making it hard to breathe and tears well up in my eyes, as I walked upstairs to the bathroom. Looking in the mirror as I walked into the bathroom reminded me of Edward; despite no truth in it, the whole mirror and no reflection concept resounded in me screaming waves of pain through my gaping hole. Forcing myself not to sob, or for that matter collapse in an ocean of tears, I looked in the mirror. I took in every minute scratch or sign of aging around the rim of the mirror, then stared at the sink realising it needed to be cleaned soon, and let my eyes focus on every detail in the bathroom without looking out the window, knowing it was raining. The shower was dripping so I turned the tap tighter until it stopped, I realised the shower hadn't been wiped down after Charlie used it this morning, so I pulled my socks off and checking my watch noting I had over an hour to kill before I was required to drive to school, then carefully wiped every droplet of water off the showers single sliding door and the rest of the walls inside it. I then realised I should probably shower before I go to school or at least rinse. If I wanted Charlie to feel better about me I could at least put my "normal self" amount of effort into looking presentable, though that wasn't much, it was an improvement.
Ten minutes out of the very brief shower I rewhipped its' walls and hastily blow-dried my hair, yanking out the knots and pulling it back with simple hair elastic. There was still another twenty minutes till I would have to leave. Grumbling I wet my tooth brush, wrapped my towel around me tighter until the hole felt somewhat contained and begun the recommended three minute brush. Looking in the mirror I noticed how red my eyes look but at least they weren't tearing so I splashed my face with cool water and gargled with mouth wash. Once I had finished I looked around the bathroom and put the clothes I was wearing in the laundry basket and since I had done that I felt compelled to push all the clothes down and close the lid lining it with the hinges perfectly. Looking in the mirror or more like staring deciding what to do I realised my hair had grown, duh stupid, but really grown at least four inches or so down to my waist as I twirled and twisted trying to see the ends in the small mirror. Wondering if my weight had changed I hoped on the ancient scales; 119.2lbs, only 4 to 5lbs difference, on the heavier side, my girl mind noted, at least that didn't change much, my girl mind interceded again and I found myself chuckling at the vein thought.
After deciding to myself that I would make an effort to feel something again, I started reminiscing on what I did wrong to make Charlie feel so distressed. Looking back I realised it was a whole lot of little things that I did or mostly didn't do. My mind was pretty sure that the incident when he left was not the main cause of concern, nor was the first few nights of unexpected screaming, it was something I did wrong which betrayed my original self and destroyed my act. That much I could surmise but since I couldn't be me again anyway I thought about little things I could do as I made my way to my bedroom to get changed into something more suited to what I normally would wear. It is not that I didn't used to wear my jeans and top that I was wearing this morning, I realised I wore it almost every day which I knew my old self most certainly wouldn't do. Annoyed at myself for not realising that sooner I decided I'd have to sit down and make a list, and soon. When I get back from school this afternoon I told myself as I flittered through my clothes pulling out a different top before wiggling it over my head.
The drive to school was a blur, I didn't turn on the stereo, it reminded me of them so it was relatively quiet too, apart from my trucks usual roar. All the good parking spaces were full so I had to make do with carefully backing it into a spot that looked too small for even a mouse to get into and carefully squeezing out to avoid bumping the car next to me, balancing my book bag under my parker to avoid the rain which seemed to have grown in intensity since I woke up. Stumbling to the shelter of the front office I realised people didn't even bother to look my way or say hello, it was as if I was surrounded by a bubble with sound all around me as people chatted and hung about waiting for the bell which was due to ring any second. Wondering what I did, I continued to walk to my first class, alone, not waiting for the bell.
I realised many people seemed to not properly notice or acknowledge my existence. This intimidated me so much that I couldn't bear to talk to Jessica let alone ask about doing something this week. Crap. Was I really that bad? I guess I fooled no one except into thinking I really was a "robotised zombie". I had many chances to talk to Jessica or anyone else that I usually would have before or even avoided before but everyone seemed to be under the impression I was surrounded by the bubble. Even in mathematics or Spanish when I was sitting next to her I couldn't because that bubble was still surrounding me. So I went the whole day without speaking to anyone not even the teachers who probably stopped bothering with me around the same time everyone else did. The familiar chiming of the bell jerked me out of a daze.
What time is it? What class am I in? I repeatedly asked myself until I realised I was in maths, or more like still in the maths classroom. That's right; I had asked Mr Varner earlier if I could use his class room at lunch to 'study'. Sighing with a small amount of relief that I knew where I was I slumped back over my grid book, trying to will time to go faster. However before I could go back into my catatonic gaze a familiar voice interceded. I looked up, not bothering to straighten my ponytail or move the loose hair out of my face, expecting it to be either an angry or a concerned teacher.
Mike Newton stood in front of my desk; so that's whose voice I heard. It clicked I knew what he had asked because he asks every Friday.
Before he could repeat his question again I answered with a slightly slurred; "Yes I'll be at work tomorrow". He had a somewhat anxious expression as he looked at me. I had no idea why I was never late, happy to work over time, and never had a sick day, well excluding that one time. Not dwelling on why he had such a concerned look, when he knew I was a model employee, I briskly gathered my books together and got on with the rest of my dreary wet school day.
As the final bell of the school day resounded in the classrooms I found myself lazily pulling my sport uniform off and shoving it in my book bag, not wanting to bother with people heading to their lockers. It was still raining but not very hard so I didn't get too wet on the way to my Chevy, despite stumbling twice. Even wedged between two cars the distinctive rusted red paint couldn't be lost so it was easy for me to find it; I had become forgetful over the past months so luckily my Chevy proved an exception. Once I got in I turned the heater on full blast before hurriedly driving out onto the excuse of a main road.
The drive home seemed as much a blur as the drive to school; I have to stop doing that, I told myself. Figuring that the moments in time where everything seemed like a blur was part of the problem; the problem mainly consisted of upsetting Charlie but also school/socialising was too. I knew from that moment that changing was going to be my top priority if I wanted my loved ones to be okay.
Later in the afternoon when I finished all my homework and my second draft for an English assignment, I decided to go shopping and cook something Charlie loved. This found me walking slightly damp up and down the aisles picking out ingredients for a gourmet battered fish; there really wasn't anything big I had to get because Charlie always had the basic battered fish compiling in the freezer ready to feed the human population when all else ran out. I chuckled feeling slightly giddy as I practically bounced around thinking of things Charlie loved. I must have looked maniacal as water droplets shook off my bizarre expression. It still felt wrong to smile for some reason, almost painful. Once everything I needed was in the trolley I started to head out. But before I made it to the checkout I walked past the freezer section. A box of original flavoured flying saucers spoke to me, telling me how good it would be to treat yourself and how happy Charlie would be to see that I wanted to. I smiled goofily and picked up the box of 12.
Charlie arrived home around 5oclock; he hung his police gear up and rounded the corner to the lounge room to watch telly. I just watch him walk past the kitchen shocked that he didn't say hello or comment on the smell of my cooking; I didn't think it smelt bad, though most food had lost the pleasurable taste. Calm down Bella. Deep breaths he probably thought I was still a zombie. I sighed. I guess I wasn't fooling him one bit... Crap I was meant to organise something with Jessica. What to do? I know!
"Ch- Dad! I jus-"I started but was abruptly cut off by Charlie who had sprinted into the kitchen. Note to Bella control volume and pitch when speaking.
"What's wrong Bella? Did something... You spoke to me... and I didn't speak first... I-I I?" he exclaimed confused.
Ignoring this trying to be as normal as possible I started to speak, though my voice did sound alien to me. "Dad I'm sorry I couldn't bring myself to ask Jessica if she wanted to hang out but I was wondering if you and I could spend some time together on the weekend." Charlie's jaw would be rolling around on the floor if it wasn't attached; note to self do not give my dad a heart attack. "Um um sure Bells what would you like to do? I guess we could see a movie or go out for dinner... or or..." feeling blush creep into my face because of his reaction I took a deep breath knowing what to do.
"Actually Dad I was wondering if you and I could go fishing. You know just the two of us. Besides it would probably do me some good to get out in the fresh air and maybe vitamin D if the sun decides to show." With that Charlie seemed to markedly look more relaxed about me as we both ate dinner in our usual but good silence before continuing with making plans.
I found myself just a bit over two hours later pacing in my room looking at the piece of paper I set out on my desk wondering what to write on the list. I kept finding myself wondering if I had any homework to do but realised I had finished that much earlier in the afternoon and had proof read it whilst cooking. Dam it. Dam it. Dam it Bella! I thought stomping a little too hard as I abruptly came to a halt. Then I decided to approach it differently and wrote out in blue pen: 'what was wrong with me that need to be fixed?'
You gained a few pounds... my girl mind suggested. Grumble. Okay that's a start. What else?
You don't exactly have perfect grades I mean come on that B+/A- average could easily become A+.
And I really couldn't think of anything besides the vein faults though then again better grades and body would be nice. Maybe that is why you found yourself where you are now like I'm sure I had other faults but maybe letting myself slip and not applying my all led to this shit of a downward spiral. Maybe that is why Edward could never love me. Edward was the definition of god like beauty and he was incredibly smart and knowledgeable, maybe his brains and beauty genes and the extra 100years to gain knowledge was just too much to ask for him to love such a plain soft human.
The clock beeped letting me know that a knew hour was upon me, it also jerked me into realising I was crying; the tears smudged my writing. God I'm useless I thought scrunching the paper up noting, no vowing to myself I will average A+ and loose the weight, perhaps more. Starting tomorrow I will have a plan I told myself aggressively before brushing my teeth and stumble into bed wearing an old baggy shirt; humph not that baggy anymore. I gladly welcomed the unconsciousness as it finally swept over me; the rain petting the window was the last thing I heard.
Edward leaned against a tree and stared at me, his expression unreadable.
"Okay, let's talk," I said. It sounded braver than it felt. He took a deep breath.
"Bella, we're leaving."
I took a deep breath too. This was an acceptable option. I thought I was prepared. But I still had to ask. "Why now? Another year- "
Beep Beep!
Stop it I groan.
Beep Beep!
"Bella I don't want you to come with me." He spoke the words slowly and precisely, his cold eyes on my face, watching as I absorbed what he was really saying.
Beep Beep!
"You ... don't ... want me?"
"No."
Beep Beep!
"No."
Beep Beep!
"You ... don't ... want me?"
Fuzzy images of my room start to come into focus. I can feel beads of sweat forming and rolling off my forehead. Tears streamed freely as realisation hits the words echo in my head: "You ... don't ... want me?" "No."
Beep Beep!
My alarm finally jerks me out of it, enough so that I could carry myself to the bathroom and rinse off all the sweat as hot water pounds my bare flesh. The word 'no' keeps repeating in my mind. He doesn't want me I keep realising over and over again as I rinse the strawberry scented conditioner from my hair. As I stepped out of the shower it felt like a million tonnes of concrete had fallen on my heaving chest. I look into the full length mirror hanging off the bathroom door just to make sure the house hadn't fallen on my head.
I stand there gasping for breath for a long time dripping and shaking not bothering to gather my towel around me for warmth. Trying to slow my heart beat I draw my attention to my naked body and am shocked at what I see. I'm slim but soft just squishy I look at all the squishy bits that I just noticed I really don't like. My arms legs, stomach and just about everything that wasn't my breasts I balked at. Did I really look like that? Yes girl mind confirmed.
"You ... don't ... want me?"
"No."
He doesn't want me and I am beginning to see why, me and my girl mind think.
Beep Beep!
My alarm grabs my attention and I sprint out of the bathroom wrapping the towel around as I go. Not wanting to wake Charlie up I hastily turn the alarm off before once again sprinting, this time out the door after pulling on suitable clothes for work. I gulp down a glass of juice and grab my school bag not bothering with getting out the essentials mainly because my school bag was so empty; its previous contents were spewed up yesterday afternoon so I could finish school work.
In my hast to get out of the house I found myself sitting in my ancient Chevy early for work. This however had its advantages I realised; I could sift through formulating a plan on what I wanted to do to reach my two goals I set for myself. A solution to the whole body thing came easily and ironically because I could start by acquiring some sport gear for half price at Newton's store after I finished work. With that in mind I yanked my keys from the ignition and went forth with the long three hour shift.
It wasn't until one in the afternoon that I got home. I should have gotten home earlier but I got distracted. First I bought a pair of well fitted trainers that weren't too expensive. Then Mike just stood there trying to chat with me as I was leaving the store, he soon gave up when I choked on tears and ran out to my truck. Then I realised I needed clothes to train in, so despite not knowing what I was going to do I bought 'skins' which to me looked like ordinary leggings but they are supposed to help prevent cramping and promote blood flow, I also picked up a matching training top and sports bra which could fit from an A-cup to a C-cup. I knew I was too shy to where that so I bought the training top as well.
Charlie eyed my bundle as I walked through the door dripping from the rain.
"What do you have there Bells?" he asked cautiously.
I was expecting this and had thought about it in the car. "Oh nothing much, I just realised I don't have any exercise cloths so I bought the basics. I thought maybe if I did something healthy and productive, like working off a few extra pounds which I gained during that time and tone up, that it might help me you know, get over it faster." It was a fairly long explanation for me but I knew Charlie would support me rather than oppose me if I got that off my chest. As expected Charlie seemed slightly shocked that I could manage such a long and detailed answer, but he quickly recovered.
Obvious relief/hope flooded his face as he went on to add: "That is great Bells!"
I smiled and couldn't help but add "You have a bit of extra poundage yourself. Perhaps I could cook a bit healthier for the benefit of both of us." My smile broadened and I couldn't help but giggle when Charlie turned tomato red. "We can even go for a walk together every now and then." I said sarcastically knowing full well that he would not be doing that, his male ego wouldn't allow it. "I think I have a bit more to lose than you honey." Charlie mumbled as I walked past him to my bedroom.
I felt so elated and hopeful as I dressed into my track pants and my once baggier top. Charlie was already feeling better about how I was "coping" I just knew it. Now all that was left was to give Renee the same relief that was now settling on Charlie. So I turned on the computer and looked about my room. It wasn't messy but a few things were out of place. Knowing that my computer would take till Christmas to warm up I scooped up all the dirty clothes and put them in the laundry basket in the bathroom, making sure the lid was shut and evenly lined up. I went on to fold all my clothes again and put them in the closet along with my newly bought sport gear. The computer had turned on but I now had to fill in time whilst waiting for the internet to connect. My bed was made but it wasn't even so I straightened everything out and smoothed the sheets, for some reason things needed to be just right as of recent, otherwise I felt slightly uncomfortable.
When the internet finally decided to awaken I went to work by reading through all of the emails Renee sent that indicated she had noticed something was wrong. All her emails seemingly turned into monotone journal entries that had become further apart and shorter in duration. This frustrated me a little. Renee was far more observant than Charlie, but I already knew that, it is just that she seemed to have caught on a lot faster than expected meaning I would have to put in a lot more of an effort to make Renee feel better. Knowing this I got to work by sending a gushing email that went over every detail replying to every change in her life that I missed, making sure I was giving it lots of enthusiasm but not too much so that I sounded manic. I could tell it was going to work that Renee would think I have started to get over it. Just by analysing the email she just sent me; the tone seemed normal with a slight hint of caution to the wind. In a week she will think I am back to my old self. I knew better I could feel the hole in me widening, making the air thick and hard to breathe, but that can be my secret.
Dinner was simple and we would be able to have it early, at around six. I felt pleased with myself the meal looked healthy and didn't smell half bad either. It was a vegetable concoction that I plan on using again with pasta instead of rice. I used pureed vegetables to make a creamy sauce without cream, bronzed a few crunchy vegetable, added celery as filler, and boiled brown rice to go with the meal. Charlie didn't grumble too much as I dished out two thirds for him and the remainder for myself. Despite my coaxing he insisted on putting cheese on his, deep down I knew I really didn't care as long as he didn't put it on mine, I also somehow knew that this would make it easier for me to reach an acceptable weight if I made out I wanted everyone to for the benefit of them and not just my vanity. Dinner was a quiet affair but it seemed as though Charlie was already on the way to believing I was fine. If only I thought as I hid my unease until I reached my bedroom and let go. I was not fine and the gaping hole had no intention of leaving until I fixed myself, I just knew it.
Once I heard Charlies snores at around ten I turned to my computer which was thankfully still connected to the internet. Quickly I typed a word into search that I heard once in a magazine or something. I reeled in horror at what popped up; pictures of bones with skin draped over them, they weren't bony they were beyond description. I found myself feeling emotions of sadness that were not related to Edward not being here. Recovering from the shock I typed in "nutrition". I had always secretly loved the science behind food so not only did I know a lot of the information I saw, I found that I was learning and understanding things at a remarkable speed even for me. This pleased me and I couldn't help but smile despite it feeling alien; I felt smart. Eventually exhaustion overcame me and I settled into thankfully a deep uninterrupted sleep.
"Bella!"
What is that annoying sound?
"Bella!"
Wtf it is 4am on a Sunday morning who would be asking for me now.
"Come on if we don't leave now we won't be able to catch much."
Catch much? Why would I want to catch something? Wait we? Slowly two plus two equalled four and I mumbled a groggy reply to Charlie. "Okay just give me a min't"
I stretched and eased myself onto my accident prone feet, which winced when I finally made it to the bathroom. After stripping and removing my watch and hair tie I relieved myself and cautiously stepped onto the scale. I decided last night that things would start properly at the beginning of the week even if that meant a 4am start. After I brushed my teeth and got changed into comfortable but appropriate clothing, I picked up a blank palm size note book and recorded my weight today; 118.3lb. At the top of the page I wrote in red my height (5'4") and then my goal weight, 115lb. I then wrote on a recently acquired white board underneathe the words: to do list; 'lose weight, get better grades'. I knew that I needed to keep a record of these things, I have heard that if you right down your goals you are more likely to achieve them so that's what I am going to do.
I felt exhausted but glad as I trudged in the door; my feet squeaked because I had fallen in and my socks were soaked. Groaning my whole way up the stairs was involuntary as I winced. Trust me to bruise my tail bone. I shivered slightly as I closed the door to the bathroom and hoped in the shower to let warm water wash over me and clean my muddy locks. It felt nice knowing that Charlie mentioned how he felt I was going; he seemed to think his talk about going to a shrink snapped me out of it. I smiled he was probably putting the fish we caught in the freezer whilst he continued the discussion with Renee. He mentioned that to before we got out of the car that he was going to call Renee so she would stop worrying so much. My thoughts proved true as I got out of the shower, Charlie's voice was animated and I could hear bits and pieces on the conversation he was having with Renee through the floor that was becoming increasingly slippery as my hair dripped. I relished the foggy environment of the bathroom as I turned up the fan to vent the moisture in the air so I could view my reflection as I brushed and towel dried my hair.
Once the mist cleared I wished it was back. I had dropped my towel and was viewing either side of my body. I could see I was not overweight but something about my reflection I did not like at all. I looked normal and healthy but I felt uneasy, I don't think I suit the way I look at present, hopefully when I get back to my old weight I will look better I thought and predominantly hoped. There was a slight bludge on my stomach, what I like to call the podge, and my thighs I decided rubbed too much; I vaguely remember having a healthy 'triangle' gap at the top, which was no longer visible no matter how long I stared at myself. I felt like punching the mirror but instead I got changed emptied the laundry hamper, carried it downstairs and put it in the washing machine.
The rest of the evening went by slowly. Charlie insisted on talking to me; asking how I was going and praising my miraculous bounce back into reality. He also chatted about the catch and how I scared them away after I fell in. I felt uneasy and my throat was tingly but I remained a tentative to laugh comment and interact normally. The last thing I wanted was for Charlie to think that I wasn't coping when he just started to see I was. I knew I wasn't, but it felt necessary to put on a mask I had acquired to keep him and Renee at bay until they backed off. I knew they would I could feel it as Charlie walked out to go and catch up with Billy; he took most of our 'catch' with him.
As I heard his police cruiser back out of our gritty driveway I walked slowly upstairs and flopped onto my bed. I lay there for a moment to savour the blue blankets comforting embrace. The computer was on and stared at me menacingly until I bothered to get up and throw myself into a long half hour of acting animated, happy and normal as I wrote to Renee. I was shocked she was out of the woods of worry. I could tell. This pleased me and I inwardly smiled as I signed off. I felt as though I had accomplished a task now at least I knew they weren't worrying about me. Now I just have to get people at school to interact with me. This was a pleasing thought.
Knowing Charlie wasn't going to be back until late, found me noisily rummaging through all my clothing. I sorted them according to size. I wanted to get rid of them. That left me with my comfy pairs of jeans, the formal wear Alice got me, I wonder how she is going, my pjs and exercise gear. I forgot how little I owned in the clothing department. I knew I would have to go clothes shopping. Shudder I hate shopping for clothes. The sorting didn't take very long so I decided to research on the internet nutrition science and various methods to lose weight. This thankfully took up hours that would otherwise be spent gasping for air, trying not to fall apart; it was a distraction and an interest I always had but never explored so naturally I had forgotten about it until now.
Charlie arrived home at around 1:30am, by which time I became entrenched in my self-assigned research and had wrote a long list of things that I would be implementing as of tomorrow. Exercises, food, drink, calories and everything else concerning nutrition were on the list which I had carefully written down in an exercise book. However there were some things I had to wait till morning to write down so I could implement my first strategy. It left me buzzing with new found enthusiasm as I drifted off after making sure Charlie was in bed and not on the couch.
Note: This chapter may have or have not seemed rushed and the way she goes into making goals so quickly may seem odd but unless you have experienced an eating disorder or a mental disorder it is really hard to portray how it starts, and by that I mean really start, and yes they can start quickly (although the obviousness of it to the person experiencing it or the people around them is not apparent when it begins if that makes sense?). Please give your thoughts/opinions/compliments/criticizim; it is very hard to portray it even when I understand it.
Oh and when Bella notices things wrong with her reflection it IS NOT distorted, not yet anyway, she actually is seeing herself as she is however she is focusing on parts that may not be considered 'good bits' more so than a normal, (I use the term normal hesitantly because who is to define normal?), person would; it is sort of like extreme focus that takes you over. Bella also if you havent noticed is/will be doing this to many other aspects of her and her life for example her grades and outward social presentation to Charlie.
REVIEW PLEASE! =]