Scene opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross, Rachel, and Emma are sitting at the table, eating breakfast. Enter Joey.
Joey: Hey.
Ross and Rachel: Hey, Joey.
Joey grabs a cup, and pours some coffee.
Ross: Joey, you know we DO have juice, right?
Joey: Yeah, but thanks to Phoebe, I can't drink juice anymore without thinking of my parents having sex.
Ross and Rachel look at Joey.
Rachel: Okay, honey, I know I'm not much of a morning person, but even that didn't make sense to me. Would you like to explain?
Joey: You remember how Phoebe stayed overnight at my place?
Rachel nods, then holds up a finger.
Rachel: Hang on a sec, Joey.
Rachel leans over, and covers Emma's ears.
Rachel: Okay, go ahead.
Joey: Well, when she realized that she was sleeping in your bed, she freaked. Said sleeping in the same bed her lobsters had sex in was the same as sleeping in the bed your parents had sex in. All this, while I was drinking juice.
Ross grimaces, and sets down his cup of juice.
Ross: Thanks, Joey. Now I'M not gonna be drinking juice anymore without thinking of my parents having sex!
Theme song and title sequence play.
So no one told you life was going to be this way.
Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA.
It's like you're always stuck in second gear,
Well, it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.
But, I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour.
I'll be there for you, like I've been there before.
I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too.
Scene opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Chandler are sitting on the couch. Ross and Rachel are sharing the armchair.
Chandler: So what do you guys wanna do today?
Rachel: Well, Ross and I are going shopping today for a computer. We realized after the incident with Emma's crib that we kinda need one to be able to function in today's society.
Ross: What she means is, she can't keep up on the fashion world without having some way to surf the Internet for news. And to waste time.
Monica: Ross!
Rachel: No, he's right.
Chandler: So what kind are you gonna get?
Ross: Well, we saw one in the paper for about $500. We figured that we can ask the sales people some questions about it when we get there.
Chandler stares at Ross and Rachel.
Chandler: You're gonna get a computer based on PRICE? No! You need one that can do what you want it to!
A pause.
Chandler: What DO you want it to do?
Rachel: I need something I can do designs on for work, and Ross needs something he can do university work on.
Chandler: Oh, okay.
Chandler sets a pen and a pad of paper in front of them.
Chandler: There you go, Amish people.
Monica: Chandler!
Ross and Rachel glare at Chandler. Scene ends and opens in an electronics store. Ross and Rachel are looking at various models of computers.
Rachel: Honey, how about this one? It says it can process art programs, as well as most Word documents, so that should help with your job at NYU.
Ross looks at the price, and beckons over one of the salespeople.
Ross: Hey, I have to ask: is the inside of this thing made out of solid gold?
Salesperson (confusedly): No, I don't believe so, sir. Why do you ask?
Ross: Then how do you justify charging THAT much for a machine?
Salesperson: Well, sir, this IS a top of the line model, just recently released. It had a four gig memory, quad-core processor with a one terabyte hard drive...
Salesperson trails off, seeing the confused look on their faces.
Salesperson: It has a lot of space and it runs really fast.
Ross and Rachel: Oh, okay.
Salesperson: What exactly are you looking for?
Ross: Well, we want a computer that we can use to do things for work on, as well as just surf the web.
Salesperson: Okay. What do you do for a living?
Ross: My girlfriend's in fashion, and I'm a Paleontology professor over at NYU. We're also trying not to spend a lot of money on whatever computer we get.
Salesperson: All right. I think I know the perfect computer for you two.
Salesperson leads them over to a computer. Scene ends and opens in Joey's apartment. Phoebe is sitting on the couch, with a shocked expression on her face. Joey is sitting next to her, holding her hands.
Joey: Pheebs, I'm sorry I had to tell you that, but I thought you should know.
Phoebe: How could Mike DO this to me?
Joey: I don't know, Pheebs. But we'll confront him on this together. Do you want the others to know?
Phoebe shakes her head.
Phoebe: Let's keep this between us for now, Joey. Ooh, it's like we have a secret now! Yay!
Joey: But Phoebe, I HATE keeping secrets! Especially from Rachel, she always bugs me until I tell her.
Phoebe: We'll confront him tonight. He's supposedly back tonight, remember?
Joey nods.
Joey: And then we hurt him.
Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Chandler and Monica are sitting on the couch. Enter Ross and Rachel, with numerous boxes.
Rachel: Hi! We're back.
Monica: What is with all the boxes?
Ross and Rachel sit down, sharing the armchair.
Ross: Well, we got the computer, but decided we needed a printer to go with it. And since it didn't have a monitor, we got one of those, as well.
Rachel: But we also decided that since we'd only have one computer between the two of us, I managed to talk Ross into getting what the guy there called a notebook.
Rachel pats the box she's holding. Chandler looks at them with a smirk.
Chandler: So you two got a tower with a monitor, AND a notebook? Wow, I'm impressed. My brother-in-law and his girlfriend are entering the twenty-first century.
Rachel: Well, Whiz Kid, since you seem to know the most about computers, we thought you might wanna come up and help us put these together.
Monica: We would, but Chandler and I have dinner reser-
Chandler: Let's go!
Monica: Chandler!
Chandler: Monica, it's a COMPUTER. And they're asking for help. I CANNOT say no to this.
Monica sighs.
Monica: Fine. I'll cancel our reservations.
Rachel: Mon, the boys can put that together. I can cook dinner for you while they're doing that.
Ross, Monica, and Chandler all look at Rachel with a panicked look on their faces.
Rachel: What?
Monica: Nothing. It's just...we're remembering the dessert from Thanksgiving a few years back.
Rachel: Hey, the pages were stuck together! Besides, Joey thought it was good.
Chandler: I've seen Joey eat three-day old Chinese that was left out.
Ross: Rach, why not let Monica teach you to cook, while we're working on this? That way, you can host a party in our apartment some night.
Monica: Yeah! Besides, we can avoid any electrical sparks these two might throw out putting that thing together.
Ross and Chandler glare at Monica.
Chandler: And possibly avoid any electrical sparks, or in fact, ANY kind of catastrophe by letting Rach cook.
Monica: Chandler!
Chandler: Just kidding. You know I can't help myself.
Monica: Well, let's go!
Ross and Rachel gather up the boxes, as they all stand up. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Phoebe and Joey are sitting on the couch, drinking coffee. Enter Monica.
Monica: Hey, guys. We're helping Ross and Rachel assemble their new computer and home office stuff. You wanna come by?
Joey: Uh, we can't. See, Phoebe and I are...uh...
Phoebe: I'm helping Joey rehearse for his next audition. We're just waiting for the scripts to get here.
Monica: Oh, okay. Well, Rachel's cooking dinner.
Phoebe and Joey get the same panicked looks on their faces.
Phoebe: Well, I have plans-
Joey: I have a date tonight-
Monica: I'm helping her, relax.
Phoebe: Well, maybe I can swing by.
Joey: I can always schedule it for another night.
Monica smiles, and heads out. Phoebe turns to Joey.
Phoebe: We need to work on your lying abilities, Joe.
Joey nods in agreement. Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Rachel and Monica are in the kitchen. Rachel is standing in front of a pan on the stove, stirring the contents. Monica is standing behind her, watching over her shoulder. Ross and Chandler are near the window, setting up the monitor on a table.
Chandler: Okay, did you get the power cord and the monitor hookup plugged in?
Ross (sarcastically): No, the screen lit up because I was waving my wand over it.
Chandler: All right, I need the recovery CD, so it can make a copy before I get your operating system running. What'd you do with it?
Ross: I don't know. (to Rachel) Hon, where did you put the box that the tower came in?
Rachel: I think it's out in the dumpster.
Chandler and Ross look at one another, then run toward the window. Ross turns away and points to the door.
Ross: I'll take the fire escape, you take the elevator!
Chandler: Right!
Chandler runs out the door, as Ross stars climbing down the fire escape. Rachel turns to Monica.
Rachel: Okay, so how long does this need to simmer?
Scene ends and opens in the alleyway next to the apartment building. Chandler is looking through a bunch of boxes next to the dumpster.
Chandler: You see anything?
Ross pops up out of the dumpster.
Ross: Just a bunch of bags of bird food that Joey threw out. And what LOOKS like the box to an adult sex game...
Chandler grabs the box and examines the name.
Chandler: Hey, I think Monica and I have this game!
Ross: Chandler! That's my sister!
Chandler: Just keep looking, it's got to be in there somewhere.
Ross goes back into the dumpster, looking through the boxes. Joey walks around the corner.
Joey: Hey, Chandler? What're you doing? Did Monica kick you out?
Chandler (sarcastically): Yes, Joey. Monica threw me out, so I'm looking through all these boxes for my new home.
Joey: Hey, man. You know you can come stay with me.
Chandler stands up and glares at Joey, as Ross pops up out of the dumpster.
Ross: I think I found it.
He holds up a disk in a plastic bag.
Ross: Is this it?
Chandler: I don't know, I left my telescopic night vision goggles at home. Why don't you throw it OVER so I can use the light to TELL you?
Ross glares, and tosses the bag to Chandler. Joey looks at Ross.
Joey: What're you doing in the dumpster?
Ross: I was looking for the recovery disk that Chandler needs to get our new computer working. Rachel threw it out by accident.
Chandler: Yeah, this is it, Ross. Let's get back upstairs and make sure Rachel didn't burn down the apartment.
Ross: Monica's with her.
Chandler: We're talking about Rachel, around a stove.
Joey looks at them.
Joey: And you left her alone?
Chandler and Joey run toward the entrance. Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe are sitting at the table. Joey, Chandler, and Ross are gathered around the computer. Chandler is sitting in a chair, running the setup for Windows.
Chandler: Okay, Ross, when it prompts you to, set up the account name and password for your admin controls on here.
Ross: Does it matter what the password is?
Chandler: No, but I'd say something NOT related to dinos, Captain Caveman.
Ross: I wasn't. I have something else in mind.
Chandler stands up, as Ross takes a seat, and enters his password on the computer. Phoebe's phone starts ringing. She looks at it.
Phoebe: Joey, we have to go. I just got a TXT message from Mike. He wants me to meet him downstairs at Central Perk in a few minutes. Says he has a surprise for me.
Monica: What's going on?
Joey: I saw Mike the other night, kissing a redhead in the coffee house.
Phoebe: Joey!
Joey: I'm sorry, Pheebs, but they should know! They're our friends. Besides, Rachel wouldn't stop pestering me till I told her, if she knew there was a secret.
Rachel: He's right.
Monica: Come on. We're going down with you, to confront Mike on this.
Chandler: Yeah, Ross and I have to finish the installation for this comp-
Monica glares at him.
Chandler: Or we could go down and be moral support for Phoebe. That's good, too.
Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are sitting on the couch. Joey is sitting in the end table chair. Monica is sitting on the arm of the chair. Chandler is standing by the window.
Chandler: Okay, here comes Mike!
Chandler runs over and sits down in the armchair. Enter Mike.
Mike: Hey, honey. Oh good, everyone's here! Awesome, I got someone I want you guys to meet.
Monica: I'll bet you do.
Mike glances over.
Mike: Uh...is something wrong?
Phoebe: You lied to me, Mike! That's what's wrong!
Mike: Phoebe, please let me explain. You see, someone I haven't seen in a while came to town...
Phoebe: Who, your g/f? Is this why your first marriage failed, Mike? Because you cheat on your wife?
People stare at Phoebe in bewilderment. Enter the redhead seen earlier with Mike.
Redhead: Hi, Mike!
Mike: Hey!
Mike takes her hand, and turns to the group.
Mike: Everyone...this is my cousin, Annette.
Annette: Hi.
Mike introduces everyone. Phoebe stares at Mike in shock.
Phoebe: You mean...you WEREN'T cheating on me?
Mike: No! I love you, Phoebe. Annette came into town about a week ago. She's moving to the city, so we've been looking for a place for her to stay. I know I lied to you and said I'd be out of town for a few days, but that was because I wanted to surprise you with her arrival.
Joey: But I saw you kiss her the other night in here!
Mike: Joey, I kissed her CHEEK. Because I was just catching up with her here. You don't really think I'd cheat on Phoebe, do you?
Phoebe: Mike, I...I'm so sorry. I really thought you had.
Mike: It's all right. I love you.
Phoebe: I love you, too.
Mike and Phoebe kiss. Everyone smiles, then turns to Annette.
Rachel: So Annette, did you have any luck finding a place?
Annette: No. Either they were already taken, or they were really creepy. I'm not having much luck with a job, either.
Monica: Oh! You could stay with Joey! He has a room open now, since Rachel moved out. And that room already has its own bed.
Mike: I don't know. I mean, it IS Joey we're talking about...
Phoebe: Mike! He can be trusted. But NO on that bed, Monica! NO!
Annette looks at Phoebe in confusion.
Annette: Is there something I should know?
Ross: Trust me, you're better off not knowing.
Annette: Well, staying with Joey will solve one problem for me. But I still don't have a job.
Rachel: Well, what did you do for a living before you moved?
Annette: I was an actress.
Joey: Seriously? I can introduce you to Estelle!
Phoebe: Uh, Joe? Estelle died, remember?
Joey: Oh, that's right! Dammit!
Ross looks over at Gunther.
Ross: Well, if you don't mind being a waitress until you can get your acting career in the city to take off, I may have a solution for you.
Everyone follows his gaze over to where Gunther is filling an order at the counter.
Mike: Hey, that's not a bad idea! You could work here, Annette. Since the apartments are upstairs, you don't have far to go.
Chandler: Yeah, you'll just be putting up with rude customers all day.
Monica elbows Chandler.
Annette: Yeah. I guess that could work. Who do I have to talk to?
Rachel points to Gunther.
Rachel: Talk to him. Gunther was the one in charge when I worked here.
Annette walks over to talk to him. Mike smiles and takes Phoebe's hand, and kisses it.
Mike: I'm sorry I scared you, but thanks for accepting Annette and helping her.
Phoebe: Honey, she's family. And she's going to love it here.
Annette runs over with a smile on her face, and hugs Mike.
Annette: I'm starting tomorrow!
Rachel: Honey, that's great!
Mike pulls Phoebe and everyone else in for a group hug. Credits appear on screen.
CREDITS SCENE:
Joey opens the door to his apartment, followed by Annette.
Joey: Sorry for the mess, I was at work most of the day. Nor was I expecting a gorgeous roommate.
Annette laughs.
Annette: That's okay, I've lived in a lot worse.
Joey points to the door to the right.
Joey: Your room's right over there. That used to be Chandler and Rachel's old room.
Annette: Thanks, Joey. I'll just get my stuff in there for now, then we ca-
Annette pauses as Chick and Duck Jr. waddle by.
Annette: Cool, a petting zoo!