Disclaimer: I don't own twilight.

Chapter Four:

Once again it was overcast on Monday I noted as I hoped in the shower and treated my hair to a full three minute conditioning and towel dried it patting out the moisture carefully before I pulled it back into a messy loose bun; I chickened out of wearing my hair out again. I even took the time to exfoliate, cleanse and moisturise my face and moisturise my body focussing on the legs and hands which were particularly dry compared to the rest of me. It felt odd not weighing myself but I knew it would feel unbearable if I weighed myself after consuming more than a carefully measured cup of water with my pills. So that is why I was bothering to 'semi-pamper' myself; to distract me from the oddity which it did.

I heard Charlie yell a hurried good bye up the stairs before he left. I was actually thinking about what to wear as I stood in front of my cupboard looking in the partially open mirror sliding door. Eventually I settled on my new size zero black skinny jeans and an oversized grey puffy jumper over a white skivvy. I felt very proud of myself I had achieved a size zero, although being snug they did fit which made me smile; maybe I could get into a double zero if I try really hard after today. I still hated the flaws I could see but I loved how you could see the tips of my hipbones and collar bone now.

My confidence was further increased when I got to my first class and found out I got an A+ on my English essay. The next class, Government delivered further reassuring news I got an A on my recent quiz. By the time I had trudged into Trigonometry I thought my luck would run out but was almost given a heart attack when I got back A+ on the most recent test.

Jessica was her usual bubbly self around me and chatted nonstop until the lunch bell went as I sat doodling on my Spanish homework. I gave her a quick hug and waved good bye but not before she complimented me on how gorgeously slim I looked which left me smiling the whole way to my truck. Even when I went to administration to sign out for the day I couldn't help but smile. The fact that Ms Cope also complimented me on my way out the door just may have kept it plastered there as I got in the cab of my big red truck and cranked up the heat.

I had to drive for a while to find the parking lot I was supposed to use. The air was crisp and felt nice against my clean and clear face. I walked into the hospital and embarrassingly had to ask this gorgeous model of a nurse for directions to Dr Gerandy's office. I self consciously smoothed my jumper and fiddled with the sleaves as I took a seat and waited for Dr Gerandy to call me into his office.

I briefly looked at a magazine, slightly entranced by the models that were actually naturally thin. I knew there were not many people like that but I had become a self taught expert on which models that had to work for their lithe builds and the lucky ones who ate like an army and still were gorgeous.

I felt kind of odd because I normally would never be caught dead pawing through a fashion and/or women's' magazine. But what made me feel odd the most was how I didn't give a flying bats crap about what the articles had to lie about or how this was 'in' or this was that much money or blah blah blah. I only looked at them to look at the people in them not caring who the people are or what the people are wearing.

"Isabella Swan?" an old yet friendly familiar voice inquired. I looked up at Dr Gerandy. He was the same as I remember from childhood except there was far more wrinkles and his hair that was once black was now completely gray. Dr Gerandy smiled and his steal blue eyes sparkled. I put down the magazine and stumbled into his office.

It wasn't the same one that I used to go to it was bigger and had more fancy new equipment. The desk was large and oak coloured; there were two black cushiony chairs on one side and on the other a bigger black leather chair faced the other two chairs and a shiny new computer. There was still the once cherished jar of jelly beans and the odd painting of a flock of ducks. At least I knew he was the same, I hate it when people change so completely that they are almost unrecognisable, just being in the room was conformation enough for me to know that he was the same person deep down.

"I see your wonderful coordination has improved." Dr Gerandy joked lamely and closed the whitewash door. I smiled despite myself. "Long time no see Bella. How about I perform a quick check up before we begin." I nodded in response.

Dr Gerandy listened to my heart, recorded my blood pressure and took my temperature.

"Now Bella would you please stand up straight over there." He indicated and I obliged.

"5 feet 4 inches" I heard him mutter and type it into the computer.

"Now please step on the scales." I internally gulped I had been waiting all morning to know this and despite only drinking water and going to the bathroom I wanted to be reassured it had not gone up I wanted it to drop. This thinking slightly scared me but I wasn't in the mood to care I just want to know how much I weighed, it was almost a need if I bothered to pay attention to it.

My heart thumped as I shakily stepped onto the scales and waited as Dr Gerandy adjusted it to get a reading. "One hundred and five point seven pounds" (yay!) "That is a bit skinny for your age but nothing abnormal. Your vitals are perfect so there is nothing to worry about. Now would you care to explain your problem and why you are here?" Dr Gerandy asked smiling, his tone caring.

Half an hour later I was saying my goodbyes to Dr Gerandy and was carrying a slip of paper with two prescriptions filled out. I looked down and read them just to make sure; I seemed to like reassurance even more than usual as of late even with other more mundane matters. One prescription for Juliet 35 Ed (the pill) and the other Ritalin 5mg.

I knew I could count on Dr Gerandy to prescribe the Ritalin. He was my doctor as a child and I was taking Ritalin for a little while under his care because I suffered from mild to moderate ADD. I just explained to him how I think I was starting to experience some difficulties with my ADD again and he was more than willing to prescribe the Ritalin for me to use in the afternoon when my concentration was at its lowest; in truth my concentration had been playing up lately.

Once I got home I read the back of the pill's package carefully; I had to start it when I was having my period luckily for me I only started it the night when I was thinking about my body's iron requirements. I popped it into my mouth and put away the rest of my medication with the diet supplements I was taking. With that I forced myself to finish all of my homework I had gotten which wasn't a lot.

The afternoon dragged. I couldn't stop pacing as Jacob's pained face came to mind; I really hoped he was okay. I jumped up and down on the spot every now and then wondering what to do for dinner and ended up deciding to make a chicken and avocado salad with a side of bread rolls; I really wasn't in the mood to bother with cooking food. I went to the fridge and pulled out the necessary ingredients thanking myself for cooking extra chicken.

Charlie walked in the door just as I finished laying out the food on the table. He appreciatively patted me on the back before moving off to rinse and get changed before dinner. Suddenly inspiration hit. I hurriedly forked out the food I wanted which did not include any avocado and very little chicken I didn't want to risk any of those extra calories especially from all the fat in the avocado. I then quickly ripped off a bite and a half worth of bread roll then threw the rest of it in the bin and started to move the salad around my plate and opened the margarine to make it looked like I had taken some. Not that I expected Charlie to ever question what I was doing I just would rather be safe than sorry. Besides I thought to myself I really don't feel like eating when Jake could be suffering; it was pathetic but my justification worked and my sanity gave a reluctant nod indicating that it approved. However I did feel guilty for wasting food perhaps I could ask Charlie about getting a puppy or some chickens. Gulp chicken.

Charlie pulled his chair out making a loud scaping noise which made me jump. "Whoa Bells a bit jumpy aye?" Charlie chuckled then mumbled something about eating rabbit food which I insisted was a balanced but light and healthy meal. Charlie just rolled his eyes and I prattled on about nutrition for a bit. Normally we don't chat but I just felt so passionate about the topic; I was genuinely interested. Charlie sat there nodding every now and then looking confused when I went into too much scientific detail. I blushed when I realised I must have bored him to tears.

"Sorry Dad if I bored you. It is just that I have been learning about all this stuff and I have always been interested... but the point is I am sorry." I blurted out as Charlie got up and took his dishes to the kitchen. I felt a wave of guilt; I was being selfish by talking about things that didn't interest Charlie.

"Bella I think it is great that you have found an interest. It just shows me that you are finding some enjoyment in life. I got to admit if it was anyone else talking about this stuff I would have departed after the first mention of enzymes and all of that other scientific mumble jumbo. But you are my daughter and I am happy when you are happy and am interested when you are interested. I love you Bella and just want you to be happy and healthy." Charlie embraced me and went slightly red himself before making his way predictably to the lounge room. I still felt slightly guilty though.

That was one of the longest most sentimental speeches Charlie had ever given me. I smiled. He actually supported me in my interests. Despite feeling guilty I felt very loved at that moment relishing the fuzzy feeling for the rest of the evening. Studying extra was a breeze when I felt this way and by the time I had gone ahead of the class in all my subjects the clock downstairs chimed; my watch read 11pm. I suddenly felt very tired realising this but very happy that I had studied nonstop after dinner so I walked into the bathroom with my pjs and got ready for bed.

On the way back down the wooden hallway to my bedroom my baggy track pants fell down causing me to rush into my bedroom and look in the closet door mirror.

Cool I have to tighten my pants.

The massive white tee-shirt I was wearing luckily covered my bright red underwear that had been exposed when the almost useless grey pants started to fall down. Slightly jostled I stared around at my room nothing was out of place but the pale sky blue walls were bare and the whitewash wooden door was too. I huffed as I looked at the polished wooden floor that squeaked too much and decided I was going to put a bit of me into this room the second I get the chance after school tomorrow.

Edward leaned against a tree and stared at me, his expression unreadable. Jacob was beside him with a scowl on his face staring at me too.

"Okay, let's talk," I said. It sounded braver than it felt. Jacob and Edward took a deep breath.

"Bella, we're leaving." The pair said in unison. I shuddered at the bizarre situation.

I took a deep breath too. I thought I was prepared. But I still had to ask. "Why?"

I gulped in air trying to suppress inevitable panic. Edward continued to stare at me whilst leaning against the tree. This bugged me. Why are they staring at me? I wonder and look down at my hands, my body and legs before twisting around to view my backside. I don't get it do I have bird crap in my hair I wonder.

I look up at Edward confused, and then I turned to Jacob pleading for answers. Both of them sighed impatiently and reach behind the tree. Edward indicates for me to look at it. It is a full length mirror. So what's so special about that? I think. What am I not seeing?

Edward rubs his temple frustrated and indicates for me to look at the mirror. Jacob huffs impatiently.

I suppress a scream. I hold my breath and shake my head furiously. There is a stranger staring back she is very plump, and has my eyes and hair. I look down at my hands and touch my face. I am huge. When did this happen I wonder shocked. I feel sick and disgusted I have got to get out. Then the worst words were spoken by Jacob and Edward in unison.

"We do not want you." It was said with such conviction that I gasped for air as my surroundings swirled before my eyes.

The green surroundings once again morph into my room.

I can't help but cry and rock back and forth in a foetal position atop my bed covers.

They don't want me. Who would want you?

Pain from my hole erupts and I slide off my bed and sprint desperately to the bathroom. I feel so nauseous as the cool tiles swirl before my eyes. Blinking furiously to push away the tears was futile as I locked the door and slide to the floor. I clutch my arms tightly to my chest trying to make the nausea go away but found myself dry heaving noisily over the toilet bowl.

After regaining control I strip down and go to the toilet then quickly zero the scales, straighten it to align perfectly where it is supposed to and then step on disgusted at myself; my body.

105.0lb stared at me and I backed away not wanting to see a number I had already committed it to memory so that I could record it in my exercise book.

Once back in my room it only just dawned on me that it was still dark outside and I also noted that I was exactly at my first goal as I wrote it down in the book I had now dubbed black book. I picked up my watch and put it on my left wrist; it is 4:36am. I stood there dumbfounded for a moment.

Go exercise if you want to be loved the voice and girl mind chided, encouraging me kindly.

I looked outside again unsure if it was raining or not, as I pulled on my exercise clothes.

Just do it you need it, it will be good for you. The voice encouraged warmly like a parent almost.

Okay I thought but decided to start by doing a light jog around the house followed by one hundred sit-ups and thirty lunges both sides then twenty push ups. I wanted my body to burn all the stored glucose in my muscles so when I start running I will be burning fat.

Half an hour later I found myself pushing really hard running at a speed I never achieved before. It was so nice to be enveloped by this distraction that I found myself wanting more. I put the extra speed down to losing almost 15lbs. I loved the feeling of getting faster and found by the time I got back an hour later I was exhausted and Charlie had evidently left because his cruiser was no longer parked out front.

I was so hungry but I didn't care because all that my mind could truly think about was Jacob. I winced slightly as the hole stung a bit around the edges and at the stitch I now had pounding in my right side. My hands reached out to the phone on the kitchen wall hopefully.

No Bella Jacob will call you.

I huffed and walked upstairs to the bathroom blasting myself with cold then hot water before I bothered to start washing my hair.

Getting out of the shower and seeing he scales reminded me of my achievement it felt good to be distracted like this it also felt good to be motivated to lose more weight now that I had actually achieved a size zero and got down to 105lb. I smiled briefly distracted from worrying about Jacob as I towel dried my hair and applied a leave in hair moisturiser. Running delicate fingers through my soft straight hair felt good as I let the dark brown locks drop I could just about sit on the longest ends of my hair.

I traced the outline of my collar bone and my more defined waist before sliding into my size zero black skinny jeans and a purple polka dot push up bra. I still was a C-cup but I had gone from a 34 to 32 which was nice to know; I thanked my mother's genes for allowing me to keep my boobs. I knew my boobs were going to get smaller though but I calculated that by to time I reach the 95lb mark I would probably be fitting into B/C-cup but was prepared for the loss. I had long hair and my collarbone would look beautiful which would be enough for me to feel feminine.

As I finally decided on a brand new blue cardigan the phone started to ring. Without a second thought I was practically flying down the stairs and picked up the phone on the second ring.

"Hello Jake?" I asked without thinking if it even was him.

"Bella hi it is great to hear your voice." Jacob sounded so weak and tired. I swallowed hard before asking "how are you doing Jake? If you have the flue you should feel better in a few hours or so." I half asked slash stated willing him to be better.

"I-I don't think I have the flue. I feel h-horrible... it hurts-s e-e-everywhere." Jacob croaked and my heart cracked hearing his voice sound so sick and unwell.

"I am sorry I made you come over and then go for a run. This really sucks Jake."

"I'm glad I came." His voice was just a whisper. I felt so guilty I should have sent Jacob home the moment I thought something was wrong.

"Don't worry Bells. Don't blame yourself because you know that this isn't your fault." Jacob replied to my thought; his voice still a hoarse whisper. He always had a knack for reading my mind.

"You'll get better soon" I promised and started thinking about my knowledge on the flue and common cold in adolescents. "At most if it's the flue or a cold you'll be feeling ill for only a day or so more unless you are like a hundred or something." I said trying to will him better with even more gusto.

"Bells, honey I really d-d-don't think I h-h-h-have the f-f-fl-flue."

"What is wrong with you then?" I asked getting confused and slightly annoyed I may not be able to see my best friend for a while. You're a selfish fuck, Bella.

"Everything," he whispered flatly. The pain in his voice was so real to me in that moment I could almost feel the burning sensation.

"What can I do for you Jake? What can I bring?" What can I do?

"Nothing. You can't come here." Jacob said abruptly, reminding me of Billy the other morning and night.

"But I have already been exposed to whatever you have and even if I wasn't I don't mind risking it." I pointed out ever hopeful.

"No. I will call you when I can. I will let you know when you may come down again." I felt tears starting to form it felt like Jacob was trying to push me away.

"Jacob- "

"I have got to go now," he said with a sudden angry urgency.

"Jake please call me when you feel better."

"Okay," Jacob agreed with a distinct bitter edge to his whisper of a voice. There was silence for a moment. I didn't want to hang up; I didn't care that I had school. Tears started to slide down my cheeks silently I was waiting for him to say good bye, but he waited to. I gulped back sobs as my tears began to wet my chest whilst waiting in silence.

"We'll see each other soon." I finally managed to say. "Wait for me to call Bella," Jacob said, but for some reason I didn't believe him. "Um... Okay... Bye Jacob." He hung up and I whispered "I love you," into the receiver. I cried the whole way from that spot to school. It definitely felt like he didn't want me; I was so scared that I may never see my best friend ever again.

I felt so numb at school. But instead of becoming a zombie I tried very hard to nod and chat with Jessica in Spanish class and willed myself to take extra care with my results. Relief washed over me knowing that without reaching one of my weight loss goals I would find the day impossible. By the time the lunch bell rang I felt good enough to interact and socialise with greater ease which only improved as Angela and I waited in line for food. Angela turned to face me in the slow moving line.

"Bella are you okay? You seem sad. I don't want you to go away again." Angela asked concerned; by go away she meant return to zombie land.

I had to look up to look at her light brown eyes properly. I felt slightly envious of her 6' frame and waist length light brown hair; her hair looked so soft and effortlessly shiny. Angela also was naturally slim; if Angela had an outgoing personality she could be a model and not have to worry about her weight. I decided to tell the truth in a sense.

"Don't worry about me going away. But I am feeling a little glum because Jacob is unwell and I can't see him. I sometimes feel like he will leave me to." I said whispering the last part. Angela didn't comment she embraced me briefly to let me know that she wouldn't leave me and that she understood.

As we moved further down the line and got closer to the food my hunger started to kick in and I could feel my tummy growling; luckily it was too noisy for anyone to hear. I watched as Angela turned back around and loaded onto her tray a green apple, a can of lemonade, and a salad and salami sandwich. I mentally calculated he the calories on her tray and flinched back regretting it as I became instantly jealous. I placed a medium green apple and a bottle of diet iced green tea on my tray and fell into step beside Angela as we headed to our groups' table.

Predictably nobody except for Angela had noticed that I had been continually decreasing the amount of food that I ate at lunch over the past few weeks. I cringed internally and quickly thought of acceptable excuses for why I wasn't eating much as I peeled the sticker off my apple and took a bite. Easy you are worthless and don't deserve the food the voice snidely injected. You are better than that she reminded me gently; you become less selfish every day.

"Bella you look great in your new jeans but there are healthier ways," Angela mentioned in passing as I took a second bite and swallowed taking the time to make sure nobody heard her lest they start noticing too. I briefly wondered why I cared it wasn't like I was doing anything bad. I looked into Angela's eyes more closely and they were full of understanding and concern. Why do I feel so guilty right now?

"Oh yeah that thing," I fumbled over my words but was slapped to my senses by the voice which thankfully took charge allowing me to relax a little.

"Don't worry I haven't been feeling hungry lately and before when I was eating less but healthy," that's right tell people what you want them to believe, "that was when I was doing it the healthy way. I have even been to a doctor and stuff and he gave me the all clear." I said with more confidence and watched Angela react at first with uncertainty then reassurance. Phew out of that bizarre dilemma; the voice wiped its metaphorical forehead.

I completely distanced myself from everyone for the duration of Biology and made myself focus and answer questions whilst taking detailed notes. I was already to leave when the bell went but forced myself to stay back and wait for Mike before rushing off to Gym class. I let Mike chat about various trivial things as I wondered what sport we would be doing today. I asked Mike and he said he wasn't listening last lesson when Coach Clapp said what we would be doing next lesson. I also added that I would be his partner again if he would let me after all the 'stuff' I put everyone through. Mike of course enthusiastically agreed and bounded off to the male change rooms and I walked into my favourite corner near my locker and pulled out my sport uniform to get changed into.

The light coloured fabric of my gym shorts were loser; despite my best efforts they insisted to sit low on my hips revealing the bonds logo on my embarrassingly gray underwear. The white shirt was only long enough to cover it when I wasn't moving I groaned and went red as I skipped into the hall with Jessica; the two of us acting like idiots. I stole a quick glance to see where Mike was and went bright red when I realised he had been starring at me. Jessica thankfully didn't notice and I watched as her bouncy thick brown hair jumped up and down as she moved off to be with Lauren Mallory whom eyed me evilly and flicked her dead straight corn silk hair over her shoulder in a less than subtle fashion.

Mike and I walked to meet each other just as Coach came out and started shouting at us to get a buddy if we did not know the route for the school cross country and line up.

"Don't worry Bella I will show you the way." Mike said reminding me of a heroic golden retriever. I was about to groan when I realised that meant we were running. I smiled as Coach Clapp counted down from three not only was I going to run I was going to show everyone that Bella Swan the clumsiest person on the planet could do something athletic.

A shrill whistle made me jump into action. Not many students were bothering and I looked behind to see Mike slightly stunned as he ran to easily catch up.

"I never knew you could run Bella," Mike said as we crossed the half way mark; "we are half way now Bella and you don't even look like you are struggling."

"Yeah well Tyler and the rest of the foot ball team and yourself are loads better than I am and I am sure the skinny cheerleaders would whip my arse if they bothered," I huffed in reply. Mike rolled his light blue eyes and blew his blonde hair out of his face.

"You're pretty slim Bella I'm sure they would have worthy competition against you."

"Nah I may be slim but I'm still soft."

"Not as much as you were before, if you don't mind me saying I think you look fairly toned." I blushed; I was always terrible with compliments. Not as much as you were before.

I kept running and lifted up my shirt to keep cool, exposing my stomach. We were running pretty hard, well I was. Mike looked like he was holding back a lot more than he was showing.

As Mike pointed to a bend after which would be the home stretch I gasped out, without losing speed; "Mike I know I am the biggest dork and this will probably prove embarrassing I was wondering if you would give your honest opinion as a guy and as an athlete. Do you reckon my stomach is more toned?" I asked; if I wasn't running my cheeks would have flushed and if I had a time machine I would have taken what I asked back to never be returned.

Mike had obviously tried to act like what I asked wasn't a total embarrassment and had a look at my stomach. "Definitely Bella. Have you lost weight as well? I can almost see the making of a four pack," Mike smiled and I studied his expression and felt instantly elevated by the genuineness at the fact that my stomach looked more toned. Everything can be improved.

"Okay Bella want to race to the finish?" I laughed putting all my effort into sprinting forward. I felt like I was flying as my legs pushed off the wet ground gathering speed. I watched as Mike passed and tried harder but as expected he crossed the line well before I did. I made contact with the ground as I tripped over the finish line too exhausted to bother with coordination.

Coach Clapp came rushing over with a slightly amused expression as well as a hint of shock and awe. "Well done Bella you got first place out of the girls." What that can't be right coach I thought as I looked around only a handful of boys had finished and I could just see Lauren rounding the corner now.

"I have?" I squeaked.

"Well done Bella!" Mike said coming over to help me up beaming.

I was shocked I never knew I had become that good. Lauren was the only one in our group that was in this class that didn't congratulate me; she just stole away the attention as Coach Clapp dismissed the class and called me over to stay behind for a quick word.

"Now Bella I know you probably haven't done much serious training for running," (or any sport for that matter), "but I think you have potential and really think you should sign up for one of the sports we offer here."

"Really do you think so? Look at me Coach I have lost weight and have been eating healthier and go for the occasional," soon to become daily, "run, but do you really think I look fit enough?" I realised I was still panting from running.

"Sure Bella you may need to work on your fitness a bit more to become good. Like I said you have potential. I can see you are slimmer and have a bit more tone but if you would like you can always come to extra training sessions which I run three times a week after school for those who are really keen, and the normal team practice day is Thursday afternoons, that is if you are interested." Yes. Yes. Yes! My inner voice whooped and I thought that it would be good to have something extra to put on a college application. I looked up at Coach Clapp and took in her appearance for the first time. She was trim and noticeably muscular but not grotesquely so, her shoulder length hair was the colour of rust and was swept back in a high ponytail; she wore her usual runners teamed with long navy blue leggings and the school jacket which was white with light blue trimmings.

"Okay." I said and Coach Clapp immediately started listing the sports I could try out for. In the end I decided on netball because it was the only sport I knew the rules of to any passable degree and had played it once before when I was younger but dropped it and picked up ballet instead.

Sorry for the quiet ending to the chapter once again but I hoped you noticed how quickly the 'voice', which is more of a feeling, take charge in this chapter and how Bella 'let' the voice take over whilst talking to Angela in the canteen. Yes the mind is easily corrupted from within.

Read, Review and all that other stuff please! It would be mucho appreciated.