Scene opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Joey is standing on the terrace, looking through a pair of binoculars across the street. Enter Ross.
Ross: Joey, what are you doing?
Joey: Some hot chick is looking at Ugly, Naked Guy's apartment. I think she might be moving in there.
Ross: What? Lemme see!
Ross takes the binoculars and focuses on his old apartment across the street.
Ross: Joey, that's a cardboard cutout.
Joey: I was wondering why she was standing near the window.
Ross: Why, did you think she was eyeing you?
Joey: Well, who wouldn't want this?
Ross shakes his head, and hands the binoculars back to Joey.
Ross: I'm going inside. Rachel should be home soon with Emma, and I need to start dinner. You and your cardboard girlfriend there can spend some alone time together.
Ross goes back inside. Joey turns to the window, mouths "Call Me", and makes the phone gesture. Theme song and title sequence play.
So no one told you life was gonna be this way.
Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA.
It's like you're always stuck in second gear.
Well, it hasn't been your day, week, month, or even your year.
But, I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour.
I'll be there for you, like I've been there before.
I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too.
Scene opens in Central Perk. Anette is sitting on the couch. Ross is sitting on the armchair.
Annette: So let me get this straight: he thought the cardboard cutout across the street in your old apartment was a real woman?
Ross: Yep.
Annette: And he was trying to HIT on said "woman"?
Ross: Uh huh.
Annette: Does Chandler know about this yet?
Ross: No. I'm waiting for him to stop by so I can tell him.
A pause.
Annette: Dibs!
Ross: What?
Annette: I'm calling dibs on telling Chandler.
Ross: Fine, but I get to tell Rachel.
Annette: Why?
Ross: Well, because I live with her.
Annette: But I wanna tell her!
Ross: You're telling Chandler!
Annette: Fine, you can tell her.
Enter Phoebe.
Phoebe: Hi, guys.
Ross: Dibs!
Annette: Dammit!
Phoebe: What's going on?
Ross: Joey spotted a cardboard cutout in my old apartment, and started flirting with it, thinking it was a real person.
Phoebe: Dibs on telling Rachel!
Annette: Ross already called it.
Phoebe: Ross!
Ross: I LIVE with her, Pheebs!
Phoebe: Okay, you have a point there. Dibs on Mike!
A pause.
Phoebe: No one called him yet, did they?
Ross and Annette shake their heads.
Phoebe: Dibs!
Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is standing at the stove, cooking dinner. Enter Ross and Annette.
Annette: Come on, Ross! Just give me the keys!
Ross: No! I don't even have them anymore!
Rachel: What's going on?
Annette pauses near the door.
Annette: I'll go get the fire extinguisher from our place.
Rachel: Ha, ha, very funny.
Annette: Rachel, you remember the mac and cheese incident two weeks ago, right?
Rachel: Hey, Emma was screaming. I had to take care of her.
Annette: Then turn the burners OFF. It keeps the cheese from combusting.
Rachel glares at Annette.
Rachel: Anyway, what's going on?
Ross: Joey was flirting with a cardboard cutout of a beautiful woman in my old apartment, because he thought it was real.
Rachel laughs.
Rachel: Oh my god, are you serious?
Ross: Yeah. And now Annette wants the keys to the place so she can go over and get that cutout.
Rachel: Why don't you just ask the superintendent?
Annette: Because he won't let me have the damn thing. He said it's supposed to show people what it would be like if they lived here. So I was thinking we could slip in and "borrow" it for a while, to have some fun with Joey.
Rachel: Hang on.
Rachel goes into her bedroom, and comes out a moment later with a key in her hand.
Rachel: There you go.
Annette: Thanks.
Ross: Rachel!
Rachel: What?
Ross: We were supposed to leave the keys to the place when we left!
Rachel: I forgot I had this till I found it a few days ago. Besides, all we're gonna do is borrow the cutout for a few days, and have some fun with Joey. We'll put it back before the next day. Right, Annette?
Annette: Right. Cross my heart.
Ross glares at them. Rachel kisses his cheek and gives him the puppy eyes.
Rachel: Please don't be mad?
Ross sighs.
Ross: You don't fight fair, you know that?
Rachel: Yep. But we'll have it back before they know it's missing, I promise.
Annette: Unless Joey takes it on a date…
Ross and Rachel glare at Annette. Scene ends and opens in Joey and Annette's apartment. Annette opens her bedroom door, and peeks out.
Annette (whispering): Okay, the coast is clear.
Rachel and Annette sneak out, carrying the cardboard cutout. Annette opens the door to Joey's room, hearing his snores. Annette turns to Rachel.
Annette (whispering): How in the hell did you put up with that when you were dating him?
Rachel (whispering): I never slept with him.
Annette shakes her head, and widens the opening. Joey is lying on his bed, one arm draped over the other side of his bed. Annette gently lifts his arm, and places the cutout under his arm.
Annette: Sweet dreams, lover boy.
Annette and Rachel sneak out back to her room. A few minutes later, a scream is heard from Joey's room. Rachel and Annette cover their mouths, and start laughing. Joey bangs on Annette's bedroom door.
Joey: Annette! Wake up!
Annette opens her bedroom door, and sticks her head out.
Annette: What? I'm busy giving Rachel a pedicure!
Joey: That cutout from Ross's old apartment is in my room!
Annette: Joey, it's late. You're tired, you probably dreamed it. Why don't you go see Ross for a few moments, calm down, and we'll look when you get back?
Joey: Yeah…yeah, that sounds like a good idea.
Joey turns around, and walks out the door. Annette and Rachel laugh, and high-five each other.
Rachel: This has to be the meanest prank we've played on him yet.
Annette: And if I can get ahold of the model from the cutout, it's only gonna get better for us.
Rachel laughs. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk the next day. Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe are sitting on the couch. Ross is sitting in the armchair. Annette is working at the counter. Enter a beautiful blonde woman.
Woman: Hi.
Chandler looks up, and stares open-mouthed at the woman. Monica glares at him.
Monica: Chandler!
Chandler: …I'll be with you in a moment, woman whose name I forget.
Monica: It's Monica. Your WIFE.
The woman smiles.
Woman: I'm looking for Annette Peters.
A squeal is heard from behind them. The woman turns around to see Annette running over.
Annette: Alex!
Alex and Annette embrace, laughing.
Annette: Oh my god, it's so good to see you!
Alex: You too! How have you been?
Annette: I'm doing great.
Phoebe stands up, smiles, and extends her hand.
Phoebe: Hi, I'm Phoebe.
Annette: Oh, crap! I'm sorry! Alex, this is my cousin-in-law, Phoebe.
Annette points to Ross.
Annette: These are my friends Ross Geller, his sister Monica Bing, and from the look on his face, you met her husband, Chandler.
Greetings are exchanged. Alex smiles, reaches over, and closes Chandler's mouth.
Alex: I get that reaction a lot.
Annette: So what're you doing here, anyway?
Alex: The realty agency I did some modeling work for a while back told me you were looking for me. What's up?
Annette: Wow, I didn't think that message woulda gotten through. You remember the cardboard cutout job?
Alex: Yeah. First paying job I had. What about it?
Annette: How would you like to help me play a prank on my roommate?
Alex: That depends. How serious are you about this guy?
Annette: He threatened to beat up Paul.
Alex: REALLY. Well, I'm game. What do I have to do?
Annette grins, and pulls Alex off to talk to her. Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is sitting on the couch, reading a magazine. Enter Ross, Annette and Joey.
Joey: I'm telling you, Ross, that cutout is stalking me! I found it in my bed!
Ross: Joey, it's cardboard. It's not even alive; it can't have been stalking you.
Joey: So how do you explain me waking up with it next to me last night?
Annette: A nightmare from the three peanut butter and pickle sandwiches you ate before bed?
Joey glares at Annette.
Joey: It wasn't a nightmare! Didn't you ever see the Tales from the Darkside episode where the mannequin came to life?
Rachel: I told you watching that would keep you up!
Joey: I wasn't up!
Rachel: Joey, you sat in the middle of your room with a nightlight on, and a flashlight aimed at the corners every night for three weeks.
Joey: Well…that one episode with the closet monster scared me.
Annette: Do we need to go home and pop Spongebob in?
Ross: No, he needs to go out to the terrace, and look and see that the cutout is still there.
Joey: And if it's not?
Ross: Then I'll buy you three large pizzas, with any toppings you want.
Joey runs to the terrace, binoculars in hand. Ross and Annette snicker. Rachel looks up at them.
Rachel: What's so funny?
Annette: I got ahold of my friend from my old modeling days. She did the modeling for the cutout they're using for the apartment, and she's helping me have some fun with Joey. Right now, she's across the street, pretending to be the cutout so we can mess with Joey. In fact, Ross met her earlier.
Rachel looks at Ross, who coughs uncomfortably.
Rachel: You met her?
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: What's she like?
Ross: Um…she's pretty, she's a nice person, and she's a friend of Annette's.
Rachel: Huh. And she's across the street right now?
Ross: Yes.
Rachel: Okay.
Rachel goes back to her magazine, and begins flipping pages in a huff. Ross sits down next to her.
Ross: Honey, you don't need to be jealous.
Rachel: I'm not jealous.
Ross: Rachel, you're flipping pages in a huff. You're jealous, and you don't need to be.
Rachel: Ross. I'm not jealous.
Rachel resumes reading her magazine. Ross stands up and walks over to Annette.
Annette: She's so jealous.
Ross: She is.
Annette: How long is she gonna act like this for?
Ross: Until she has the chance to meet your friend for herself.
Rachel: I'm not jealous!
Ross and Annette look over at Rachel. Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Joey is standing on the terrace, looking across the street with a pair of binoculars. Ross is standing next to him. Rachel is sitting on the couch, glaring at Ross. Annette is standing in the kitchen. Enter Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Mike.
Chandler: Hey.
Annette: Hey.
Rachel ignores them, and continues to glare at Ross.
Monica: Uh oh. I've seen that look on her face before. She found out Ross met Alex, didn't she?
Annette: Yep. She's totally jealous.
Rachel: I am not jealous!
Annette: You've been glaring at Ross for two hours. If you didn't blink, I'd swear you were a mannequin.
Rachel makes a rude gesture at Annette. Enter Ross.
Ross: Hey, guys.
Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Mike: Hey.
Ross turns to Annette.
Ross: You ordered the pizzas, right?
Annette: Just got off the phone with them, when the others walked in.
Ross: Oh, okay.
Annette: I asked Rachel if she wanted any, but I never got an answer. She's too busy being jealous.
Rachel: I'm not jealous!
Annette: Prove it.
Rachel stands up.
Rachel: Okay, you want me to prove to you I'm not jealous? Watch this.
Rachel grabs Ross's face, and kisses him deeply and provocatively. Ross swallows with a shocked look on his face. Rachel grabs his hand, and turns to the gang.
Rachel: Get out.
Annette: What?
Rachel: Leave. Go to your place for a while.
Phoebe: Is this one of those…?
Rachel: Yes.
Chandler, Monica, Annette and Phoebe head for the door. Mike goes to the window.
Mike: Joey, we need to leave for a while.
Joey: But my surveillance!
Mike: Set up a webcam. Trust me, you're gonna wanna leave right now.
Joey: Are Ross and Rachel about to…?
Mike: Yep.
Joey sets the binoculars down on the ledge, and hastily heads for the door. Rachel slams the door, locks it, and drags Ross toward their room. Scene shifts to the hallway.
Chandler: Your place, or the coffee shop?
Moans are heard from Ross and Rachel's apartment.
Monica, Phoebe, Mike, Annette, and Joey: Coffee shop.
The gang hastily exits. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Monica, Chandler, and Mike are sitting on the couch. Ross and Rachel are sharing the armchair. Joey and Phoebe are sitting in the chairs at the end table. Annette is working at the counter .
Monica: So, I'm guessing you two had a good time last night.
Rachel: Why do you say that?
Monica: You don't have the jealous look on your face anymore.
Annette: Did you get all the jealous worked out of your system?
Rachel: I wasn't jealous! Do I need to prove that to you guys again?
Annette: Well…
Ross: No! No, that's quite all right. I think she proved it enough last night.
Annette's shoulders start shaking with silent laughter.
Joey: So why were you screaming so loud last night?
Ross: I wasn't screaming.
Annette: Please, you were loud enough you drowned out Terminator. I'm surprised the neighbors downstairs didn't report you.
Rachel: They're old, and hard of hearing.
Mike: And you learned this when?
Rachel: We met them one time.
Chandler: Before or after one of your sexcapades?
Ross and Rachel blush, and turn away. Ross clears his throat.
Ross: So, Joey. About that cutout you've been watching…there's something you should know about that.
Joey: What's that?
Ross: Well…
Annette shakes her head, and holds a finger to her lips. Ross looks over at the door, as Alex walks in.
Ross: …she just walked in.
Joey: What?
Joey looks over at Alex, with a shocked look on his face.
Joey: See? I TOLD you she was following me!
Annette: Uh, Joey…
Joey: I'm going to the one place she can't follow me to!
Joey stands up, and starts to run into the bathroom. Alex looks at him with a weird look on her face, as Annette grabs his arm and yanks him back into his chair.
Annette: Sit down.
Alex: Okay, is that normal?
Annette: For Joey, yes.
Alex: Oh, THAT'S Joey?
Annette: Yep.
Annette points to Mike.
Annette: And this is my cousin Mike, and that's Rachel. Guys, this is Alex. Joey's cutout girlfriend.
Mike waves, as Rachel glares.
Alex: You must be Ross's girlfriend.
Rachel continues glaring. Alex smiles nervously.
Annette: Oh, just ignore her. She's busy being jealous.
Rachel: I'm not jealous!
Annette: Uh huh.
Rachel: Do I really need to prove it again?
Ross: NO! No, I think we're good.
Alex laughs, and turns to Ross.
Alex: Ross, when you were renting that apartment, how much did you pay?
Ross: I don't remember. Why?
Alex: Because I wanna rent it.
Annette: Really?
Alex: Yeah. I got a job with an agency here in town, it's permanent work.
Annette: Alex, that's great!
Alex: I know, right?
Numerous congrats are heard. Joey turns to Annette, and nods toward Alex.
Joey: Another one of your pranks?
Annette grins.
Annette: I'm not the one who was flirting with a cardboard cutout. But you left it wide open for teasing, Joe. I HAD to take advantage of it.
Joey: Yeah, yeah. I'll get you back.
Alex laughs.
Alex: That's the first time I ever heard of someone flirting with a cutout of me.
Chandler: Really. Well, that'd be the fifth one he's hit on.
Alex: Wow.
Alex turns to Joey.
Alex: Hit on me next time, not my cutout. Okay?
Joey: All right.
Joey looks at Alex, and grins.
Joey: How YOU doin?
Alex laughs, as Annette frowns at them from the counter. Credits roll.
CREDITS SCENE
Scene opens in Central Perk. Monica is sitting on the couch, reading a cookbook.
Monica: So, honey, I was thinking we could use the leftover meat from the party to-
Monica looks over, and sees Chandler replaced with a cutout of him.
Monica: Chandler?
Monica looks around, and sees all of the patrons of Central Perk replaced with cutouts. Scene shifts to Monica and Chandler's bedroom. Monica sits up in bed, and looks over to see Chandler asleep next to her. Monica smacks him. Chandler sits up in a panic.
Chandler: What? What? What is it?
Monica: Don't you ever replace yourself with a cutout when I'm talking to you again!
Monica lies back down in a huff, as Chandler stares at her.