Scene opens in Central Perk. Joey, Annette, and Phoebe are sitting on the couch. Ross and Rachel are sharing the armchair. Monica and Chandler are sitting on the chairs at the end table. Mike is sitting at the counter.

Joey: Hey, you guys know how they have the Thor, Green Lantern, and Captain America movies coming out this summer?

Chandler: What about it?

Joey: Well, I was thinking: wouldn't it be cool to have super powers like that?

Alex: What would you call yourself?

Joey: I'd be…Bacon Boy! With the power to throw sizzling bacon grease at my enemies. My costume would be made entirely of bacon, so I'd never get hungry while I'm fighting. I'd even have a catchphrase: "Justice has never tasted so good."

Ross and Chandler look at each other, then to Joey.

Ross: How long were you up for last night, thinking that up?

Annette: Four hours, and three tapings of Baywatch.

Theme song and title sequence plays.

So no one told you life was gonna be this way.
Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA.
It's like you're always stuck in second gear.
Well, it hasn't been your day, week, month, or even your year.

But, I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour.
I'll be there for you, like I've been there before.
I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too.

Scene opens in Joey and Annette's apartment. Annette is sitting in the chair, watching TV. Enter Joey from his bedroom, in a blue spandex outfit with a large "BB" on his chest.

Joey: Hey Annette, do we have any bacon in the fridge?

Annette: I think there might be some in the meat box. Why?

Annette looks up and sees Joey's outfit.

Annette: Oh my god, you're not seriously going out looking like that, are you?

Joey: Of course not!

Annette: Good.

Joey: I need my mask and bacon first.

Joey walks over to the fridge.

Annette: Joey, if you actually go outside dressed like that, I want pictures.

Enter Chandler in a bright green costume, with lettuce hanging off of it, and a large "LL" on his chest. Annette starts laughing.

Annette: Who are you supposed to be?

Chandler: I'm Lettuce Lad, trusted companion of Bacon Boy.

Annette: I'm starting to see a theme here…

Joey: Is Ross ready to go yet?

Chandler: He's not going. He's not dressing up.

Joey: Why not? We need him to complete the set!

Chandler: Rachel won't let him. She said, and I quote, "You are not getting my boyfriend in that ridiculous suit, just so you can pull off whatever crazy stunt you have in mind."

Joey: Well, who could we get to wear it, then?

Joey and Chandler turn and look at Annette.

Annette: NO. Absolutely not.

Joey: Well, maybe Alex will, then. I'll ask her.

Annette: Gimme!

Chandler hands Annette a gym bag.

Annette: You didn't put it in a suit bag?

Chandler: It's spandex. You could ball it up, and it'd still come out fresh.

Annette: Point made.

Annette walks into her room. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Monica, Phoebe, and Mike are sitting on the couch. Ross and Rachel are sharing the armchair.

Mike: Has anyone seen Joey and Annette at all?

Ross: No. But I think I know what they're up to. I just hope I'm-

Enter Joey and Chandler, in costume, panting.

Ross: -wrong.

Chandler sticks his head out the door.

Chandler: Annette! Hurry up before those dogs track down Joey, and start trying to eat his costume again!

Enter Annette, also panting, in a bright red spandex costume, with tomato slices hanging on it. A large "TT" is on her chest. Monica, Mike, Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel start laughing.

Joey: Quick, shut the door!

Annette slams the door, as dogs start barking outside of it.

Joey: That was close.

Annette: SERIOUSLY, Joey? You HAD to walk by the dog pound?

Joey: I was hungry!

Annette: That's what the bacon on your costume is for!

Joey: I didn't have any bread. That's why I went by the bakery.

Annette: The bakery by the POUND? We had to run six blocks to avoid that pack!

Joey: Hey, you got your cardio in for the day.

Annette smacks Joey.

Chandler: It could've been worse.

Annette: HOW could it have been worse?

Chandler: It could've been a bunch of rabbits with those dogs.

Annette smacks Chandler, as Gunther walks over.

Gunther: Who are you guys supposed to be?

Joey strikes a Superman pose.

Joey: I am…Bacon Boy!

Chandler: I am…Lettuce Lad!

A pause.

Joey (under his breath): Annette!

Annette sighs, and unenthusiastically strikes a pose.

Annette: And I'm…Tomato Tootsie.

The gang laughs harder. Annette whirls around.

Annette: Okay, you know what? You can just bite me! I didn't come up with the name, Joey did!

Mike: The BLT Gang! I love it! All you're missing is Sliced Bread and Mayo Man.

Joey: Hey, good idea, Mike! You and Phoebe can do that.

Mike looks at Joey with a horrified look.

Mike: Wait, what?

Annette grins.

Annette: Why, sure, Mike. You or Ross could definitely fit that role. In fact, I think we have the perfect outfit for one of you.

Mike: Whoa, I didn't agree to anything. (to Phoebe) I didn't agree to anything.

Enter Alex.

Alex: Hey, Jo…ey?

Joey: Alex! Hey!

Alex: Um…I'm gonna go over here with the sane people, now.

Joey: Oh, Alex. Was there a pack of dogs sitting outside when you came in?

Alex: No, but there's a pack of them sitting by the entrance to the alley about half a block over.

Chandler and Annette look at Joey.

Chandler: Well, Bacon Boy, shall we go out and fight the forces of canine?

Joey: Tomato Tootsie, would you get the door? We're really gonna have to book it.

Annette: Fine, but after this, we're having a serious discussion about my name!

Annette opens the door, as Joey and Chandler run out, yelling. Annette runs out behind them, slamming the door as a pack of barking dogs run by the window. Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ben and Emma are sitting on the couch, watching cartoons. Ross is standing on the terrace, looking down into the alley. Rachel is in the kitchen, cooking dinner. Enter Joey and Annette. Joey is looking disheveled and bruised.

Joey: Hey.

Rachel: Oh my god, Joey, what happened to you?

Annette: That pack of dogs caught up with us. Luckily for him, not only were we near the pound so they all went back in, but we were also near a hospital. They said it looks worse than it is.

Joey: It's just a minor setback.

Joey sits down slowly at the table, grimacing. Enter Ross.

Ross: Joey, did your fan club follow you back?

Joey: No, they got locked back into the pound. Why?

Ross: Because there's a whole bunch of stray dogs and cats sitting in the alley, right next to the fire escape.

Annette grins.

Annette: Oooh, Bacon Boy. You have a fan club!

Joey: You had a bigger one with all the chefs following you, Tomato Tootsie. I told you we shouldn't have gone by the five-star district.

Annette: Okay, that's it!

Annette grabs Joey by the ear, and drags him toward the door.

Joey: OW, OW, OW! Where are we going?

Annette: Home. We are gonna have a serious discussion about that name!

Annette and Joey leave. Rachel turns to Ross.

Rachel: So when do you wanna-

Ross holds up his hand.

Rachel: What?

Ross: Wait for it…

Annette storms back in.

Annette: And NONE of you heard that name.

Annette swings a finger in an arc at Rachel, Ross, Emma and Ben, and backs out of the door. Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's bedroom. Chandler is lying in bed, reading a book. Enter Monica from the bathroom, in a French maid outfit with various cleaning supplies strapped around her waist, and a cape behind her.

Monica: Honey, look! I made my own costume!

Chandler looks up at her.

Chandler: Where's your mask?

Monica: Masks are for wimps. I'll frighten people into keeping their mouths shut about my identity.

Chandler: What're you gonna call yourself?

Monica: I'm Super Maid!

Chandler: So where's your logo?

Monica: Ah, who needs one? People look at me, you know what they see?

Chandler: A stripper on her way to her day job?

Monica glares at Chandler.

Chandler: Well, who else would walk around in that outfit in public?

Monica: Anyway, I thought I might be able to play with you and Joey now. Kind of let Annette off the hook.

Chandler: She complained that much, huh?

Monica: She didn't stop ranting for five hours. Kept going on about how Joey was a dense idiot with the brains of a fence post, who couldn't come up with a better name for her than Tomato Tootsie.

Chandler: Aw, sounds like a rough day for you. Why don't you join me, and we'll make a new team?

Monica smiles and leans in to kiss Chandler, as the twins start crying. Monica groans.

Monica: Ugh, I'll be right back.

Chandler: Wait, before you do anything…

Chandler takes a picture on his cell phone. Monica glares suspiciously at Chandler.

Monica: Who are you sending that to?

Chandler: No one. I promise.

Monica: You better not, if you want any tonight.

Monica exits. Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is sitting at the computer, filling work orders. Enter Monica in her costume.

Monica: Oh my god! A woman in distress in a messy apartment! Don't worry; Super Maid is here to save you!

Rachel looks at Monica, and starts laughing.

Rachel: Oh my god, Mon, what are you doing?

Monica: Joining up in Chandler and Joey's fun.

Rachel stares at Monica.

Monica: What? I can be fun, too!

Rachel: Okay. But I have to get these orders in, or Ross and I are gonna be late for our dinner reservations.

Monica: Where is he, anyway?

Rachel: Probably in the bedroom. He went in there about ten minutes ago.

Enter Ross, in a black and gold spandex outfit, a large C on his chest, and a funnel pack on his back full of crumbs.

Rachel: Honey, what the hell are you doing?

Ross: So, Super Maid. We meet at last.

Monica: Who are you supposed to be?

Ross: I'm your nemesis: The Crumbler!

Monica and Rachel start laughing.

Monica: What're your powers?

Ross shoots crumbs from the pack onto the floor.

Monica: What's that supposed to do?

Ross: It makes a mess. I know your weakness: you can't ignore a mess.

Monica: Yes, I can.

Monica starts to fidget, before pulling a mini-broom from her belt.

Monica: Dammit, Ross!

Ross: Crumbler.

Monica: Whatever. You're SO dead when I clean this up.

Ross: No, I'm not. You will CRUMBLE before my might.

Rachel and Monica look at each other, then at Ross.

Rachel: How long did it take Joey to come up with that?

Ross: Two hours.

Monica: And how much of that time was taken up with TV and food?

Ross: An hour and forty-five minutes.

Rachel: It took him fifteen minutes to come up with that?

Ross: Well, it wouldn't have taken that long, except Annette kept walking by in her outfit. I'm not sure what attracted him more: her, or the tomato slices hanging off her outfit.

Monica and Rachel laugh.

Rachel: Why was she doing that? Trying to get his attention?

Ross: Um…I don't know.

Monica glares.

Monica: You know something, don't you?

Ross: ….no.

Monica: Are you lying to me?

Ross: ….no.

Monica: Ross, I know something is going on! Tell me!

Monica moves threateningly toward Ross. Ross shoots some crumbs at her, and then looks at the clock.

Ross: Wow, look at the time! I gotta get ready for dinner.

Rachel: Our reservations aren't for hours.

Ross: Early reservations.

Ross slams the bedroom door. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Rachel and Alex are sitting on the couch. Ross is sitting in the armchair. Enter Monica.

Monica: Okay, I got the apartment cleaned, the floors waxed, and the bathroom cleaned out.

Rachel: Honey, you didn't need to do all that.

Monica: Ah, it was nothing for Super Maid. Except for the crumbs SOMEONE shot out on the terrace to attract the pigeons…

Alex: What's wrong with that?

Monica: They pooed all over the terrace.

Monica, Rachel, and Alex turn and look at Ross.

Ross: Don't look at me, I didn't do it. I took that contraption back over to Joey.

Alex: Where IS he, anyway? I haven't seen him all day.

Ross: I don't know. I left that thing, and came down here.

Enter Ben.

Ben: Hi, Dad!

Ross: Ben, were you and your Uncle Joey out on the terrace, with that thing I was wearing earlier?

Ben: Yeah. Uncle Joey was using it to try and shoot Ping-Pong balls across the street into an apartment that left their window open.

Alex stands up.

Alex: Excuse me; I have to go kill Joey.

Rachel: Why?

Alex: Because it was my apartment he was shooting Ping-Pong balls into.

Alex leaves. Ross turns back to Ben.

Ross: Did you dump the crumbs out of it?

Ben: No, Uncle Joey did that, to make room for the Ping-Pong balls. Why?

Ross: Because it attracted a lot of pigeons that made a mess out there.

Ben: It was his idea!

Monica runs toward the door.

Monica: Alex, wait for me!

Monica runs out the door. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Monica and Alex are sitting on the couch. Ross and Rachel are sharing the armchair.

Rachel: How much did you hurt Joey?

Alex: We couldn't find him.

Ross: Did you check all of his normal hang-out spots?

Alex: Yeah. No sign of him.

Rachel: Did you check the local news stories?

Alex: Why would I do that?

Ross: We've started calling that the Joey Spotter Network.

Alex stares at Ross and Rachel. Enter Annette.

Annette: Hey, guys.

Ross: Hey. Where's your costume, Tootsie?

Annette glares at Ross.

Annette: Call me that again. I dare you.

Ross: I retract my question.

Annette: Good call.

Rachel: Have you seen Joey anywhere?

Annette: Not since he and Chandler took off this morning.

Monica: Come to think of it, I haven't seen Chandler all day, either. I wonder what they're up to?

A scream is heard outside. Monica, Alex, Ross, Rachel, and Annette look out the window as Joey and Chandler run by, in costume. A second later, a pack of dogs and a group of people in bunny costumes run by. Ross turns back.

Ross: So, anyone want a refill?

Numerous agreements are heard. Credits roll.

CREDITS SCENE

Scene opens in Central Perk. Monica, Chandler, and Joey are sitting on the couch. Ross and Rachel are sharing the armchair. Annette is sitting in the chair at the end table.

Monica: Well, I hope you learned a lesson from all this.

Chandler: I did. Don't ever run by a vegan bunny convention in a costume with lettuce on it.

Annette: Joey?

Joey: What?

Annette: What lesson did you learn?

Joey: That dogs defy the laws of gravity, when it comes to jumping fences. That or they have springs built into their paws.

Monica: How about NOT dressing up like that? You don't see anyone else doing it.

Enter Phoebe, in a white spandex outfit, with bread slices hanging off of it.

Annette: Phoebe, what is that?

Phoebe: You like it? I'm…Sliced Bread!

Rachel: That explains where The Crumbler got his crumbs at.

Ross: It does not.

Monica: At least Mike isn't-

Enter Mike, also in white spandex. Two squeeze bottles full of mayonnaise are strapped to his wrists. The gang starts laughing.

Ross: Let me guess: Mayo Man.

Mike: It was NOT my idea.

Chandler turns to Monica.

Chandler: You wanna try to hold out hope for Alex?

Monica: I'm not even gonna bother.

Enter Alex, in a white spandex outfit with flames drawn on. A cape trails behind her.

Joey: What the…? Who are you supposed to be?

Alex: I am…the Hottie!