Scene opens in Central Perk. Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are sitting on the couch. Ross and Rachel are sharing the armchair. Annette is sitting in the chair at the end table.
Ross: So when they opened the box, the darn thing had disappeared. It turned out that-
Ross is interrupted by the TARDIS materialization sound, as the TARDIS appears behind the couch. Enter Joey from the TARDIS, dressed as the Eleventh Doctor. Joey points to Annette.
Joey: Come along, Pond.
Annette steps into the TARDIS with Joey, as it disappears. Scene changes to Monica and Chandler's bedroom. Chandler sits up in bed, and shakes Monica.
Chandler: Honey, wake up!
Monica sits up in a panic.
Monica: What? What is it? Are the kids all right?
Chandler: They're fine. Honey, I want a TARDIS.
Monica glares at Chandler.
Monica: When I wake up, you are dead meat.
Monica lies back down in a huff. Theme song and title sequence plays.
So no one told you life was gonna be this way.
Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA.
It's like you're always stuck in second gear.
Well, it hasn't been your day, week, month, or even your year.
But, I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour.
I'll be there for you, like I've been there before.
I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too.
Scene opens in Central Perk. Monica and Annette are sitting on the couch. Phoebe is sitting in the armchair. Rachel is sitting in the chair at the end table. Enter Chandler and Joey.
Joey: Let me fly it!
Chandler: No, you can't fly it!
Joey: Please?
Chandler: No!
Joey: Please, please, please, please, please, please, please?
Annette: As much fun as I'm having watching Joey beg I feel I need to ask: what is he begging to fly?
Monica: I told Chandler he could build a TARDIS in the back yard.
Annette points to Joey.
Annette: No, you CANNOT build a TARDIS in the apartment!
Joey: Dammit!
Chandler: Where's Ross?
Rachel: He took Ben and Emma to the movies, and then out for ice cream. Why?
Chandler: I want his help in building my TARDIS from that kit.
Monica: No, I said NO kit. I said if you wanted to build one, you were gonna have to build it from scratch.
Joey looks at Annette.
Annette: Still no.
Joey: Dammit!
Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's house. Chandler and Joey are standing in the back yard, numerous building materials scattered around. Enter Ross.
Ross: Hey.
Chandler: Hey. How was the movie?
Ross: It was all right. Ben enjoyed it immensely. Anyway, Monica said you guys were looking for me. What's up?
Chandler: We're building a TARDIS, could use your help.
Joey: And he won't let me fly it!
Ross and Chandler look at Joey, then at each other.
Ross: You want this one?
Chandler: No, you can have it.
Ross: Okay. Uh, Joey, this isn't a real TARDIS. It's a prop.
Joey: Oh, I get it! You're using a fake to draw out the Doctor's enemies and get him to show up! Cool!
Ross and Chandler stare at Joey.
Chandler: Did you ride the short bus when you were a kid?
Scene ends and opens in Joey and Annette's apartment. Rachel and Annette are standing in the living room with scripts.
Rachel: "Who do you think you are, kissing my boyfriend?"
Annette: "I think I'm the woman he's in love with, that's who!"
Rachel: "I'm the woman he's gonna marry!"
Scene changes to the hallway between apartments 19 and 20. Enter Phoebe.
Rachel (from the apartment): "He'll never leave me for you! He loves me!"
Annette (from the apartment): "I'm pregnant with his baby!"
Phoebe gasps, and runs down the stairs. Scene changes to Joey and Annette's apartment.
Rachel: So what kind of show is this gonna be, anyway?
Annette: A soap opera, if this script is any indication.
Rachel: You know, if anyone were to walk by the door or walk in right now, they would SO be getting the wrong idea.
Annette: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Rachel: Do we let Ross and Joey in on this idea?
Annette: No way. I wanna see the look on Joey's face when he learns about this.
Rachel: Well, I think I should tell Ross. I don't want him to be mad at me. And besides, I'm dating him.
Annette: Rachel…
Rachel: Annette, he's my BOYFRIEND. I don't want him to be mad at me, or have the wrong idea.
Annette: Fine, but if he says anything to Joey, I get to hit him!
Rachel: Deal.
Rachel and Annette shake hands. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Monica and Mike are sitting on the couch. Enter Phoebe, panting.
Mike: Hi, honey.
Phoebe: No time! Monica, sit down!
Monica: I AM sitting down.
Phoebe: Oh, okay. How are you?
Monica: I'm…fine.
Mike: Pheebs, why are you out of breath?
Phoebe: Huh? Oh, right. I was running down the stairs.
Mike: Why?
Phoebe: Because I have to tell you something.
Monica: What?
Gunther walks over and hands a coffee to Phoebe.
Phoebe: Ooh, thank you!
Monica: Phoebe. This thing you needed to tell me. What is it?
Phoebe: Oh, right. Ross is cheating on Rachel with Annette!
Monica jumps up.
Monica: WHAT?
Phoebe: Yeah! I was heading over to Ross and Rachel's apartment to see if Rachel wanted to go shoe shopping, and I heard them arguing in Joey and Annette's place! And Annette said she's pregnant with his baby!
Mike jumps up.
Mike: He did WHAT to my cousin?
Phoebe: Uh huh!
Mike: I'm gonna KILL him.
Monica: No, you're not.
Mike: And why not?
Monica: He's my brother. I'M gonna kill him!
Enter Ross.
Ross: Hey, guys. What's go-?
Monica: You bastard!
Monica starts beating Ross.
Ross: Ow, ow, ow! What's the matter with you?
Monica: Don't play dumb with me! Phoebe, help me hurt him!
Phoebe: Gladly!
Phoebe begins beating on Ross.
Ross: Ow! Knock it off! What is the matter with you two?
Monica: Don't play dumb, we know what you did!
Phoebe: Yeah, I heard Rachel and Annette arguing about it! Once wasn't enough for you?
Ross: Well, the first one was kind of stale, so I got a second one! What's wrong with that?
Monica and Phoebe gasp, and beat Ross even harder.
Monica: That's even worse! I can't believe you! Chandler's going to be raising the twins alone, because I'm gonna MURDER you!
Phoebe: Oh, actually, Chandler will probably remarry.
Monica: You're not helping.
Ross: You two are crazier than usual! I'm getting out of here.
Monica: No, you're gonna stay here and get beaten!
Ross runs for the door, as Monica and Phoebe chase him.
Ross: For the record, Rachel knew!
Ross runs out the door. Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Annette and Rachel are sitting on the couch. Annette is giving Rachel a pedicure. Enter Ross.
Ross: Hey.
Rachel: Hi, honey.
Ross leans down and kisses Rachel.
Ross: Have you two been talking to Monica or Phoebe?
Annette: No, we haven't seen them all day. Why?
Ross: Well, they started beating on me down in the coffee house, and asking me how I could do that to you.
Rachel: Do what?
Ross: I don't know. They didn't stop smacking me long enough for me to find out. I'm assuming they mean me taking your donut.
Annette grins.
Annette: Rach, you don't suppose Phoebe heard us rehearsing and got the wrong idea, do you?
Ross: Rehearsing for what?
Annette: I got a call back on a soap opera I auditioned for. Rachel was helping me rehearse a scene earlier.
Ross: What scene?
Annette: I'm having an affair with my friend's boyfriend, and I'm pregnant with his baby.
A pause.
Ross: You two are gonna be the death of me, you know that?
Rachel and Annette laugh.
Annette: Oh, come on! We're not THAT bad!
Ross: Annette, do you know how many pranks you've played on Joey this week?
Annette: Um…five?
Ross shakes his head.
Annette: Ten?
Ross: Try fifteen.
Annette: What? I was not that bad!
Ross begins counting on his fingers.
Ross: Salt in his coffee, flushing the toilet while he was in the shower, shaving cream on his pie…
Annette: Hey, he still ate it. And enjoyed it, I might add.
Ross: I've seen Joey eat a corndog from Coney Island. That isn't saying much.
Annette: Okay, so I prank him. But he makes it so easy! And fun!
Ross: You are a bad influence on my girlfriend. And by proxy, me.
Annette: What do you mean?
Ross: Monica was beating on me. And now, I want revenge.
Ross leans down.
Ross: So, tell me the plan.
Rachel and Annette look at each other, and grin. Scene ends and opens in a hospital waiting room. Phoebe is sitting in a chair, a book open in her lap. Mike is sitting in the chair next to her.
Phoebe: Ooh, there he is!
Mike: There who is?
Mike looks at the title of the book.
Mike: Honey, that's a Where's Waldo? book.
Phoebe: I know! I'm getting really good at spotting him.
Mike: That's the sort of thing Joey would read while waiting.
Phoebe: Nuh uh! This is.
Phoebe holds up a copy of The Little Engine That Could. Mike laughs.
Mike: Okay, you got a point there.
Enter the nurse.
Nurse: Phoebe Hannigan?
Phoebe stands up.
Nurse: The doctor will see you now.
Mike: I'll wait here for you.
Phoebe: Okay.
Phoebe follows the nurse through the door. Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's house. Chandler and Joey are sitting on the couch with open beers. Doctor Who is on the TV. Enter Monica.
Monica: I'm gonna KILL him! Didn't he learn anything from the incident with Chloe?
No reply.
Monica: And with ANNETTE, of all people? Mike is gonna kill him!
No reply.
Monica: Are you two even listening to me?
No reply. Chandler sets his beer directly on the coffee table.
Monica: CHANDLER! I am gonna KILL you!
Chandler: There! See? I told you the TARDIS didn't have that sign on the door with the Tenth Doctor!
Joey: Okay, okay.
Joey looks at Chandler's beer.
Joey: You know, if Monica were here, she'd kill you for not using a coaster.
Chandler: I know, right? Good thing she's not here.
Joey laughs, and sets his beer down. A knock is heard.
Chandler: It's open!
Enter Ross and Annette, holding hands. Annette's stomach is prominently exposed.
Chandler: Hey, it's the newlyweds!
Monica: The WHAT?
Ross: Hey, guys. We were just on our way to the airport for our trip to Greece, but thought we'd stop and say hi.
Joey: Shame about Rachel.
Ross: Who cares? She and Emma never made me happy, anyway. Annette was always the one for me.
Annette: I love you, too.
Ross leans in and kisses Annette, as Monica screams. Scene changes to Monica and Chandler's bedroom. Monica sits up in bed.
Monica: Chandler! Wake up!
Chandler: I'm not here right now; leave a message after the beep.
Monica: Honey, watch the kids. And have some bail money ready for me.
Chandler: Why?
Monica: Because I'm going to go kill Ross.
Chandler: Monica, it's 2:42 in the morning. Kill him tomorrow.
Monica: Why?
Chandler: Because I wanna sleep, that's why.
Chandler rolls over. Monica glares at him.
Monica: You know, I should kill you for not using a coaster. Instead, you aren't getting any for a week.
Chandler: I can explain that…
Monica: Too late! Good night.
Monica lies back down. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Monica and Chandler are sitting on the couch. Phoebe is sitting in the armchair. Joey is sitting in the chair at the end table.
Chandler: Honey, you can't kill Ross.
Monica: I'm not gonna kill Ross. What makes you say that?
Chandler: The fact that you were muttering "kill Ross" all morning while feeding Erica and getting her dressed.
Monica: I was rehearsing!
Chandler: What, your defense at the murder trial?
Monica glares at Chandler. Enter Ross, Annette, and Rachel.
Rachel: I cannot believe you two!
Annette: What? We love each other, and this baby is proof of it!
Rachel: And just WHEN did you decide to sleep with my boyfriend, anyway?
Annette: When you were out with Emma at the park that day.
Rachel gasps.
Rachel: You slept with her while I was out with our DAUGHTER?
Ross: If you'd been a better lover, I wouldn't be sleeping behind your back!
Rachel: Well, why don't you just go and kiss her right here in front of everyone?
Ross: All right, I will!
Ross yanks Annette in and kisses her deeply. Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, and Joey gasp.
Annette: Wow…that's the best kiss you've given me yet.
Monica: I can't believe you! Did the incident with Chloe teach you NOTHING, Ross?
Joey: And with my ROOMMATE? You hurt Rachel with my ROOMMATE? If Mike doesn't kill you, I will!
Phoebe: And as for YOU, young lady, what were you thinking?
Ross, Rachel, and Annette start laughing.
Phoebe: Why are you laughing?
Annette: Phoebe, did you walk up and hear me and Rachel talking about me being pregnant with Ross's baby?
Phoebe gasps.
Phoebe: You have psychic powers, too?
Annette: No. Rachel and I were rehearsing a scene for an audition I got.
Ross: You guys should know I'd never hurt Rachel on purpose. And I would never cheat on her again. Not after that Chloe incident.
Monica: So what was this all about?
Ross: Payback for beating on me the other day! I had no idea what was going on, and you two started laying into me.
Annette: Also, it was a lot of fun to mess with your heads.
Monica: I'm sorry I hit you, Ross. But you know what?
Ross: What?
Monica: NOW you know why I'm gonna kick your asses!
Ross: Uh, ladies? I suggest we RUN.
Ross, Rachel, and Annette run out the door with Monica, Joey and Phoebe behind them.
Monica: Come back here! We're not done hitting you!
Chandler looks around.
Chandler: Well, I'll just keep the seats warm, then!
Scene ends and opens in Mike and Phoebe's apartment. Mike and Phoebe are sitting on the couch, watching TV.
Mike: I hope Annette learned a lesson from all this.
Phoebe: Why's that?
Mike: Because I've never seen her run that fast, or that far.
Phoebe: Well, having Monica right behind you for 12 city blocks tends to motivate someone to run as fast as they can. And the look on your face when we ran by was priceless, honey.
Mike: Well, it's not every day you see your cousin run by, being chased by your wife.
Phoebe: Yeah, that's true. And I think that bruise Monica gave her is gonna be a good reminder not to play a prank like that again.
Mike laughs.
Mike: Well, I hope this time, the lesson sticks.
Phoebe: It should. Oh, honey. I almost forgot to tell you: the doctor called me with the test results.
Mike: What did he say?
Scene shifts to the back of the couch. Phoebe leans over and whispers into Mike's ear. Credits roll.
CREDITS SCENE
Scene opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Rachel and Annette are sitting at the table in bathrobes, ice packs on various parts of their body. Enter Ross.
Ross: Hey.
Rachel: Hi, honey.
Ross kisses the top of Rachel's head.
Rachel: Ow…
Ross: Sorry.
Annette: How did you lose Joey?
Ross: I ran by a toy store.
Rachel: Baby, would you check on Emma? I put her down a little while ago, but she wanted you to read her a bedtime story.
Ross: Oh, okay.
Ross exits to Emma's room. Rachel and Annette stand up and take off their robes, revealing ninja costumes. Annette hands Rachel a mask.
Annette: So which one do you want: Monica, or Phoebe?
Rachel: Monica. I know her weaknesses.
Annette: You got it.
Rachel and Annette leave. Enter Ross.
Ross: Rach, where did you leave-?
Ross looks around the empty apartment.
Ross: Uh oh.
(A/N Coming down to the wire. Two more episodes to the finale, so if you haven't voted on it yet, you have 1 more week to do so. Also, I have had continuity errors pointed out to me on Twitter. Readers, I'm asking you to suspend your disbelief, please. I barely remember 3 DAYS ago, let alone 7 years.)