Title: Collide

Author: tiny
Summary: The real reason Kathy left Elliot…

Spoilers: Doubt
Disclaimer: I don't own anyone.

CHAPTER 2

Kathy offered a smile as Olivia walked into the restaurant. Olivia wondered if she looked as rattled as she felt inside. She sat cautiously in front of her partner's future ex-wife. They made a bit of small talk before ordering their food. Once the waitress left them alone again, Kathy took the opportunity to push the conversation forward.

"So, I assume Elliot told you what happened?"

Kathy hit a nerve Olivia didn't realize existed. No, Elliot hadn't told her about the separation. They still haven't discussed the situation in much detail. She wasn't even sure of the reason aside from Elliot's half-assed explanation that it was because of the job.

"I know that you filed for separation and that you and the kids are living at your mother's," Olivia replied.

"Yes, but did he tell you why?"

Her frustration was rising but she just shrugged. "The job."

She shook her head. Clearly Elliot hadn't been forthcoming about the details of the split.

"No," Kathy said, simply.

"No?" Olivia's confusion was shown clearly on her face. "What do you mean?"

"I mean that's not the real reason."

Olivia sighed. She was disappointed that Elliot had lied to her. It was bad enough that he hadn't confided in her in the first place, but it hurt even more to know that he had outright lied to her. Not to mention the fact that Kathy was the one to be setting her straight. She couldn't decide which hurt more. She raised her hand to her temple and gently massaged the headache she could feel coming on.

"Olivia?"

"What?" She replied, a little more harshly than intended.

"Sorry," Kathy said, dropping her gaze to her hands which were folded in her lap.

"For what?"

"I don't know." Kathy looked up again. Olivia looked conflicted, like she wasn't sure if she wanted to stay or go. "I'm sorry Elliot didn't tell you."

"Well it's not your fault, I guess."

"The separation is," Kathy started. "I mean it's mostly my fault. Elliot and I have been drifting apart for awhile. We never saw each other…never talked. But we stayed together because we felt like we had to. We felt like we owed it to the kids...to our faith. We tried so hard. We really did."

Kathy paused when the waitress came back to the table with their orders. Olivia noticed how tired Kathy looked. And maybe a little more pale. But she also noticed something else. She looked relaxed and somewhat confident. Olivia had never noticed this about her before. And it was certainly something that she didn't see in Elliot.

"But I couldn't accept it anymore."

Olivia snapped back from her thoughts. "Accept what?"

"For the most part, Elliot and I got married because I got pregnant with Maureen. We were so young. Sometimes I just feel like I missed out on finding out who I was. It wasn't long ago that I realized it was something I really wanted to do. I wanted to find who I am beyond a wife and mother," she explained.

"What made you decide to just leave Elliot and make such a change?"

"I never meant to hurt Elliot. But I couldn't stay forever in a marriage that made me feel so empty. He was never there. And even when he was there, it was like there was nothing left. Our marriage felt so meaningless. We didn't even talk anymore."

Olivia paused and thought for a moment. It seemed like a major part of the story was missing. It just didn't make sense.

"Did you cheat on Elliot?"

Kathy quickly looked up from her salad. The expression on her face almost resembled guilt. But she shook her head and looked back down at her plate.

"No. I've never been with another man in 20 years."

"But...?"

Kathy looked up at Olivia again, a look of defeat plastered all over her face. It was clear this wasn't what she had in mind when she started this discussion.

"It's not that I haven't noticed there are other men out there. Even though I've never actually done anything, I've wondered what it would be like. And it's not just sexual attraction. It's like..." she tried to think of the right words to convey her thoughts. "It's like little, everyday things. I'd wonder what I would talk about with them and what kinds of things we'd do on a Sunday afternoon at home. I'd imagine all the parts of a marriage that I didn't have anymore."

Olivia used her fork to push the food around on her plate. She knew what that felt like. She felt it too. But she was single, so that made sense. She never imagined Kathy Stabler—of all people—would feel like that. Olivia was often jealous of what she had; a husband and a family. Yet still, Kathy had chosen to walk away.

The awkward silence grew before Kathy continued. "I settled for what I had because that's all I thought I could get. I didn't realize what it was that I was missing."

"What were you missing?"

"Me."

Olivia sighed and leaned back in her chair. "I guess I just don't understand what you mean. What changed? What made you realize that?"

"I met someone."

"But I thought you said..."

"I know," Kathy interrupted. "And I meant it; I have never cheated on my husband. I started talking with a guy at work. It was so easy to get lost in conversation with him. We have so much in common and he's such a kind and gentle person. He's laid back and easy-going."

"He's not Elliot," Olivia added.

"Nothing like him," she confirmed. "When Elliot and I were together, I was still in high school. I didn't know what I wanted in a man. I had no idea what life was about. And over the years, I guess I just realized that the life I had wasn't the life I truly wanted for myself."

"But you have kids..."

"I love my children. I will always be the mother of four great kids. But I'm also more than that. And I want to be with someone who realizes that. I want someone to love me for who I am, not the role I play in their life."

"Elliot loves you," Olivia argued.

"I know he does. And I love him...as the father of my children. I care about Elliot very much. It's just not the same anymore."

She shook her head. She was having a hard time understanding what this woman was trying to tell her. Olivia had been longing for a marriage of her own; a marriage like her partner had. Now she wondered what exactly it was that she had been wishing for.

"I guess Elliot has changed. He's a little more dark and a bit more angry," Olivia offered.

"Yeah, but it was always there. He's always had a temper...always been distant. It's just gotten worse the last few years," she explained. "It's not like he just woke up one day and was different. It just gradually got worse as time went on."

Olivia contemplated what Kathy was telling her. As his partner, she knew this much was true. She noticed it more lately and assumed it was because of the separation. Now she wondered if maybe it hadn't started before all of that. The timeline of events, of course, was still a bit sketchy to her. But things were starting to make more sense.

"So this guy...is he better than Elliot?"

"I wouldn't know. But he's there."

Olivia felt the need to act in her partner's defense. "I can't believe you're so casual about all of this! You leave your husband after 20 years and you're just...whatever? You just go for whoever happens to be there?"

"I didn't 'go for' anyone, Olivia. I'm not with anyone. You assumed that when I said that I 'met someone' that I wanted to be with someone else."

"Well then what did you mean?"

"I started talking to someone. And for the first time, I realized there was something missing in my life. The only person that was missing was me. I realized that I had no idea who I was or what I actually wanted in life. It was important to me to find out. I don't need someone else to find myself. But it took someone else's influence to make me want to start looking."

"Kathy, why did you ask to talk to me today?"

"I guess I just wanted to make sure he's okay. We don't talk anymore...not that we ever did. But I at least used to be able to tell if he was handling something well or not. I'm just worried about him, I guess."

"Me too."

"Does he ever talk to you about it?"

"No. But it doesn't surprise me. I was what he needed at work. You were what he needed at home. He doesn't really like for the two worlds to mix."

There was another long silence before Kathy spoke again. "Do you think I made a mistake?"

Olivia carefully considered her answer to the question. Her loyalty remained with her partner, but she could understand Kathy's side of the equation as well.

"I think you did what was best for you. You wanted to discover who you were beyond a wife and mother. I just don't think Elliot was ready to face who he is beyond a husband and a father."