SECRECY

Chapter 9

Have you ever wondered what you are supposed to be doing in life? Like, what your purpose on Earth is?

I know I have. More than enough times.

For instance, why did God pick me, of all people, to be a mediator. Why not someone more qualified, like Kelly Prescott, or something?

Yeah, let the burden be put on her. THEN she'd know how difficult it is to fit in with everyone else, when ghosts are always coming to you with all their problems.

Eh, whatever. I really have learned to deal with it, but sometimes I just need to rant about it.

That being one of the times.

But, I don't know. Maybe if I wasn't cursed with this stupid 'gift' then I'd have more guys asking me out. I mean, I know I'm not butt-ugly or anything. I think I'm actually kinda pretty, in my own way. I'm not trying to be vain or anything. I mean, I wouldn't go as far as to say I was a knock-out.

No, not so much.

And when I say guys asking me out, I don't mean arrogant jerks like Paul. Yeah, sure, he's hot and everything. Really hot. But the whole arrogance thing kinda takes away from his looks.

If he wasn't so full of himself I probably would have agreed on going out with him.

At first I was just playing hard to get when I turned him down, but after I realized how conceited he was, I immediately knew I didn't want to be dealing with that.

Although, I have to say, the whole playing-hard-to-get thing worked. But not to my advantage.

But anyway, after I talked to my mom during dinner, I went back into the room where Jesse and the ghost were. But when I walked in, I found that the ghost was no longer there.

Huh. I guess Jesse took care of it all ready.

So we went back to eating dinner. Jesse left after dinner. He said his parents were going out and he had to watch his sisters. And I volunteered to go with him. I figured I could use a little girl talk with Marta and Josephina.

The drive there was kind of long, since Jesse now lived just on the border of Carmel and the next town over. If it weren't for his mother's insistence on him and his sisters going to the mission, I'm sure they would be going to RLS, Robert Louis Stevenson (our school's major rival), right now.

Jesse opened the door for me when he parked in his driveway, as per usual. We walked up the pathway together and he told me that Marta was probably in her room, IM-ing some of her friends from Florida that she missed, and vice versa.

So I went up the stairs and into her bedroom. I really didn't even think about knocking - if she didn't want anyone to see anything, she would have locked it, right?

So when I walked in, I saw something that shocked the hell out of me.

Marta making out with a guy on her bed.

Now, normally this wouldn't bother me. But she had JUST moved here and all ready she was going through guys in the snap of a finger.

I'm not saying she's a slut. No, not at all. She's one of my best friends. I'm just saying that she likes variety.

And I'm very aware that she's still a virgin.

I think.

I mean, she would tell me that, right? If she lost her virginity? Even if it was before she moved here?

I hoped she would. Because I'm pretty sure I would tell her. And CeeCee.

Not Jesse though. Oh, no. He'd probably flip. He seems like the abstinence kinda guy.

But anyway, when I opened up Marta's bedroom and saw her making out with some guy I recognized from school - one of the jocks, how surprising - I must have let out some kind of gasp, or something, since Marta and the guy practically fell off the bed in astonishment.

Marta got up right away and quickly shut the door that was ajar behind me. I was still standing there, completely and utterly shocked.

"Oh, my God," was what finally came out of my mouth.

Marta and the guy - whose name I had yet to learn - were standing there guiltily - well, Marta was standing, her escort was still on the floor, attempting to get up.

"Suze, you scared me half to death. I thought you were Jesse!" she exclaimed. "Oh, my God," she went on, "he would have killed me, and murdered John here."

I saw that John's face went completely pale. Apparently he didn't know whose sister he was dealing with here. Jesse could easily beat this guy to a bloody pulp. Not that I think Jesse would go that far.

Actually, I didn't know what to think.

"Well, I think maybe John should leave. Jesse's downstairs right now."

She looked at me curiously. "I thought he was eating dinner at your house?"

I smirked. "Your mom called him and said he needed to come home and watch you guys."

Marta suddenly looked outraged. I noticed John was trying to subtly sneak out the window behind her. "What!" she exclaimed. "How can she DO that? I'm sixteen, you know. I can take care of myself. Just because Jesse is a two years older than me doesn't mean that I have to be watched by him constantly. GOD."

"I don't think your mom meant it like that, Marta. I don't think she knew if you were going out or not, and Jesse was coming home anyway—"

"Whatever," she said. Then she turned around and noticed John. "You leaving?"

He nodded. "Uh, if you're brother is home, I think I better."

She nodded, a small smile appearing on her lips. "Yeah, that might be a good idea." She leaned over and kissed him. "I'll call you later, okay?"

He nodded and slunk out the window.

Marta sat down on her bed, Indian-style, and patted the seat next to her for me to sit down on. I did, but I leaned my head back against the headboard.

"So," Marta said, her attention completely on me, "what's the deal with you and my brother?"

I suddenly started having a coughing fit. Marta just shook her head and waited for me to stop. "What - what do you mean?" I finally was able to get out.

"There's obviously something going on between you two. I mean, I've definitely noticed the tension between both of you lately." She stopped and cocked her head, staring me straight in the eyes. "Something happened, didn't it? Something like—" She stopped herself midsentence. Her eyes got really wide all of a sudden and I swear I thought she was going to start jumping up and down. "Oh, my God. He didn't."

I blinked a few times before asking, "Didn't what?" But I all ready knew the answer to that.

"Kiss you."

I didn't say anything. She would find out either way. She was always able to see right through me and my lies.

She squealed. "Oh, my GOD! No way. No freaking way."

Okay, for being Jesse's sister, she seemed really psyched that he kissed me. Which was kind of weird to me.

"Look, it just happened, okay? I don't think he really meant anything by it. He probably just thought I was some girl he liked or something."

Now that I think about it, that does seem a little unlikely. He would be able to tell the difference between me and the girl he liked, whoever she was.

She scoffed. "Right." She shook her head in disgust. "God, both of you are freaking BLIND, you know?"

I blinked again. "Um, okay."

She rolled her eyes. "Look, Suze. God, Jesse will kill me if he finds out I told you. But he likes you, Suze. A lot."

Once again, I blinked. I was rendered speechless.

"He...he can't," I heard myself say.

She cocked an eyebrow, something I wish I could do. All I can do is just raise both of my eyebrows at once. "Oh? Why can't he?"

"Because...because he's practically my brother, Marta. I've known him for, like, ever."

She smirked. "Suze, is that what you think? GOD, you two are so screwed up. That's exactly what he said. Ugh."

When I didn't say anything, she continued. "I wouldn't lie about this, Suze, okay? I know he likes you. He told me. Well, more or less. Guys never really know how to sort out their emotions." She let out a light laugh, then said, "But you like him, too. I can tell you do."

And that's what it took for me to realize that I really did like Jesse. For Jesse's sister to tell me that I liked him.

I mean, the feeling was always there. And it wasn't just for him being hot.

"Suze," Marta continued. "I know my brother is a looker. You better get him now before other girls get up the courage and start asking him out."

"But...how do I do that? I...I don't know what to say...or do..."

"God," she said, "don't you read any romance novels?"

"Uh, no," I said. In fact, I don't read at all. But I didn't think it was necessary to add that.

She got up off her bed and started pacing the floor. "Well, since he all ready kissed you, technically he all ready made the first move. He probably thinks you didn't like it, so he won't try it again. So, its up to you, Suze. You gotta make the move."

"But what do I do?" I asked helplessly. When it comes to relationships and boys I'm like Father Dominic with computers. I don't know what the hell to do.

"Kiss him. Kissing always makes everything all better."

By then my mouth was agape, shaped in a perfect 'O' formation. "Kiss him? You just expect me to go down there and kiss him, like its nothing?"

"Well, I wasn't talking about right now, but, yeah, that's pretty much it. I mean, you gotta act all nonchalant about it. You can't be all nervous and then kiss him. It won't be right."

Nonchalant, I repeated in my head. Right.

I still couldn't believe she was telling me to kiss her brother. Seriously, why me?

But, I thought, any girl would be lucky to have Jesse.

, I thought,

I don't deserve him, though. He should be with one of those girls. You know, student council president, captain of the cheerleading squad, gets straight A's...

I am none of that. I can't even pass math class without him. And I can't do a cartwheel, let alone a frigging back flip and junk like that.

I am the vice president of our class, but that's not as important as being the president.

I decided to voice this to Marta.

Bad idea.

"What?" she asked, like I was crazy. "Of course you deserve him, Suze! Why do you think like that?" Then she grinned. "Plus, its he who has the hots for you."

I just blinked at her, yet again. Me...hot?

Psh.

Yeah, right.

"No, I'm serious," she said when she saw the look on my face. "You're just in denial, Suze. Everyone else sees it but you...and Jesse."

"But...but don't you think he should be with someone else? Some who's popular and smart and beautiful, someone—"

"—like Kelly Prescott?" she asked, all ready seeing where I was heading with this. "No. First, she's not smart, at all. She's just a suck-up. Second, Jesse hates her...with a passion."

I blinked again. "He does?"

She snorted. "Of course he does! I mean, ever since he tried to put the moves on him in the breeze way one day. He called her a slut and everything and told me not to hang out with her."

I was shocked by this news. And, well, the fact that Jesse actually called a girl a slut. "He called her a slut?" I asked, shocked.

"Well, not exactly. He called her a puta, which is, like, the same in Spanish. Only, I think it's a little harsher."

She stood up, then, off the bed. All of a sudden, she started jumping up and down and squealing. "Oh, my God! This is so great! Maybe you two could get married. Then you'd be, like, my sister."

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves here," I said, in what I thought was a cool voice. I'd have to remember to use that when I would talking with Jesse later.

"Okay, okay," she said and say back down. "But just do what I said. And...maybe you should make sure you guys are alone before you do it. And preferably dim."

I nodded my head. I stored that in my memory, like everything else she was telling me. Then I remembered something. Something Jesse had said to me before, but I never really cared about finding out, until now. "Hey," I said. "What does kayreeda mean?" I asked, trying to pronounce it the best I could.

She cocked her head. "Where did you here that, Suze?" But she all ready knew. I could tell by the smirk that had now settled nicely on her face.

I groaned. "Oh, come on, tell me what it means."

Her smirk grew. "Nah. I think Jesse will have to tell you that one."

I groaned again, but I let it pass. She wasn't going to tell me anway. "Anything else I should know?" I asked quickly.

She looked up at the ceiling for a moment, thinking. Then her eyes came back on mine and she shook her head. "Nope. I think you're good."

- § -

Jesse's mother came back home at around nine. She thanked Jesse and I and said Jesse was free to go out now. This is my chance, I thought.

Marta came down then and saw me standing next to Jesse. She winked and mouthed 'good luck'. However, Jesse saw it and looked at me questioningly. I just shrugged and told him she was crazy, to which he just chuckled in a agreement.

As Jesse was driving me home, I decided to be a little spontaneous. "Hey," I said, as we came to a stop at the stoplight. "Why don't we go to the beach or something?"

He looked over at me, an eyebrow cocked.

"It's a Friday night," I said. "My curfew isn't until midnight anyway."

Then he just shrugged, as the light turned green. Instead of making a right turn onto my street, he kept going, heading toward the beach.

He parked up front and we got out, heading for the comfort of the sand. It was a windy night and my hair down, falling over my shoulders. I felt the wind picking up, tossing my hair carelessly in its wake.

I went about halfway down the beach, stopped, and plopped myself down in the sand. I laid back and dug my feet in the sand, the cold rush of the sand beneath seeping through my socks.

Jesse sat down beside me, content. We didn't even say anything for a while, just listened to the waves crashing ashore as the tide moved it, the occasional squawk of a seagull as it passed by overhead.

Then Jesse broke the silence. "Why did you want to come here, anyway?" he asked softly.

I shrugged, staring up into the starlit abyss. I could make out the Big Dipper and the Little Dipper and even Orion's Belt. But all of those other constellations that I had learned way back were forgotten, so I had to just settle for those.

"I don't know," I said back, just as softly. "Its just quiet here, I guess. Soothing, you know? Its like, when I'm here, it feels like nothing can go wrong."

I saw him smile out of the corner of my eye. "Ah, buts that's only an illusion, Susannah."

I smiled, too. "Yeah, but it's a nice illusion."

He chuckled. Suddenly, that was something that I loved to hear. The sound of his laughter. It was something intoxicating, something I could just not get enough of.

Oh, God, I thought grimly, I'm turning into a sap.

, I thought grimly, .

"Susannah," Jesse said, breaking into my thoughts. "What are you thinking?"

What was I thinking?

A lot, actually. But I didn't know what to tell him. Or if I should even answer at all.

"I don't know," I settled on saying. "I mean, I guess I'm just thinking about all the stuff that's been going on around me lately."

"Like what?" he asked.

I turned on my side and looked at him. "Like you," I said softly.

He looked surprised, to say the least. "Me?"

"Yeah," I said, getting more confident as I kept talking. "How I'm just drawn to you. Its like, I dread the moments that I'm not around you, yet I'm nervous as hell when I am. And, okay, this is going to sound a little weird, but ... I can't stop thinking about you." I looked at him, then, seeing how he was taking all this. Was Marta right? Did he really like me?

I couldn't tell, though. He wasn't doing anything, saying anything. He was just looking at me, like I was a freaking clown on crack.

Okay, maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all.

"Look, I'm sorry, Jesse," I said, and started to get up. "I didn't mean to freak you out. I just...I dunno. I really am sorry."

He looked up at me from where he was still sitting. "Susannah," he said, his voice especially deep at that moment, "you didn't freak me out."

He stood up as well. I didn't really notice until that moment how tall he really was. Compared to me, Jesse was like a giant. He towered over me. But not in an inferior-feeling type of way. I felt safe when he was around, comforted, like nothing could ever hurt me.

And then I did something that I never thought I had the boldness to do.

I stood up on my tippy-toes and kissed him.

And I felt him kiss me back fervently, like he never expected this to happen. And, well, I guess I didn't either. I mean, I really wasn't sure whether he'd kiss me back or not.

His big, strong, callused hands came around my tiny waist and drew me into him even more, so our fronts were pressed up against each other.

And I wrapped my arms around his neck, just to get that little bit closer to his mouth.

But soon enough my feet were aching from standing on my tippy-toes for too long, and my oxygen supply was running dangerously low. So, regrettably, I pulled away from him, my lips tingling like crazy.

And when I looked up at him again he smiled at me. A smile that could just brighten up my whole day (or night, in this case). I smiled back, suddenly becoming very giddy.

After a few moments of just staring at each other, I started getting a little nervous. "Uh," I tittered, "maybe we should go back now."

Instead of agreeing and walking back to his car, he just grinned and said, "I happen to like it here."

Which, you know, just made my heart beat faster and faster, flip-flopping in my chest cavity. I never knew it could do acrobats until then.

And then he leaned in for another kiss. That one even better than the first.

About an hour later, we were both just sitting in the sand, talking. The kissing was nice and everything — really nice — but I think we needed to talk about things before it started getting serious. Like, for instance, how all of this happened.

Not that I was complaining. I liked Jesse's kisses. They made me feel all, well, warm and fuzzy inside. I know I sound like a little kid, but I just couldn't describe it.

And, not to mention the fact that this was all so completely new to me. It was like another world, another language. Something I wasn't quite used to yet, but I'd get used to it with time, I guess.

Actually, Jesse stopped kissing me because he said he was being too forward. Who the hell says that these days, though? Isn't it supposed to be the guy that wants to keep going, not the girl?

I mean, Jesse restrained himself more than I could. That's all I'm saying.

"Jesse," I said suddenly, Marta coming to my mind.

"Hm?" he mumbled.

"What does 'kay-ree-da' mean?" I said, repeating the same thing I had said to Marta.

He hesitated. "It's nothing bad," he assured me.

I turned to look at him. "But what does it mean?"

He hesitated again. I guess he really didn't want to tell me. Was he embarrassed by it or something? "It means...nevermind."

"Oh, come on. It can't be that bad. I promise I won't make fun of you for it."

He sighed resignedly. "It means sweetheart. Or dearest one."

And I felt the grin appear on my face. He had called me sweetheart. And, okay, so maybe it was in Spanish. So what? It still made a smile come to my face, just like seeing his smile did to me.

"Aw," I said, leaning in to him, my face only inches from him. "That's so sweet."

"Sus—" but he didn't get to finish, because I kissed him again.

It was weird. I mean, I never thought I'd be this way before. Never thought I would be so spontaneous and, well, slutty. I mean, we hadn't even gone out on a date and all ready I was making out with him.

Well, I guess you could technically call this a date, but it was not meant to be a date.

Jesse pulled away after a minute of kissing. "Susannah, we really shouldn't be doing this."

I pouted. "Jesse, no one is here. Who cares?"

"I care, Susannah. I cannot just be acting this way with you. I am being too forward with you."

"Jesse, come on. Get real, okay? It's the freaking 21st century. Its okay to do this." I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. Maybe I was being too slutty.

Great, we were having an argument all ready. God, can I do anything right?

He sighed too. "I know. It just doesn't feel right, though."

I took his hand in mine and smoothed my thumb over the palm of his hand. "Jesse, I'm sorry. You're right. I mean, we haven't even gone out on a date, yet." I stood up. "Come on, let's go back."

He stood up, too, and we started toward his car together. When we got to my house, I was about ready to get out, when he said, "Are you doing anything tomorrow night?"

I smiled. "I might be hanging with CeeCee, but...I'll try and cancel."

He smiled, too. "All right. But, look, maybe we shouldn't tell anyone about this..."

I nodded, knowing what he meant. "Yeah, at least until we're sure what's happening." Too bad Marta all ready knows. Or will know when Jesse gets back.

And I went inside and up to my room, feeling so good and floaty and stuff. Like I was on top of the world.

My lips still tingled from Jesse's kisses. I don't think the feeling would ever go away.

Not that I wanted it to.

A/N: Nice long chappy for yas. I deserve quite a few reviews for this one, don't ya think?

Disclaimer: All of the Mediator characters belong to the one and only Meg Cabot.