Set in MD03 – I'm SO happy they mentioned Ianto FINALLY. I was beginning to think they'd forgotten him… disclaimer: I don't own

So you like the coat?

And you don't even hear his reply, because all you can think of is that that's what he said, the first time you met. And then you're lost in memories of him – of his cerulean eyes, his rueful smile, the way he would brush your hand as he handed you a fresh cup of coffee. And then you're grinning wickedly and suggesting the two of you get out of there, but all you can see is his always-impeccable suit, the twinkle in his eye when you suggested something avant-garde, the despair on his face as he lay dying.

Suddenly, you don't even know how you got there, but suddenly you're in his flat, and he's kissing you, and you're kissing him back, but all you can see is how his eyes would flutter shut as you kissed him, then fly open when your hand found its way between his legs; how his kiss-swollen lips would part in ecstasy when you nibbled at his neck; how the life in his eyes died as you watched.

Soon, you're both naked, but you're calling the shots. You hear him moan, the man whose name you don't even remember, but all you can hear are his breathy pants as your tongue swirled around his nipple, his strangled moans as he slammed into the back of your throat, his hopeless whimpers as he realised he was going to die and there was nothing you could do about it.

And then it's over, and he's asleep, but all you can think about is how he would insist on cuddling before he fell asleep, how he would subconsciously twine his limbs around you as he slept, how limply he struggled as the infection took over his body.

And you can't bear it any more, you just can't. You know you're drunk, and that's probably why you do it, but you call her. And you tell how much you loved him, how much you love him, how much you need her. But what you don't say is that the only reason you need her is that she's a reminder of him. The last reminder. And you're scared, oh God, you're terrified, that you'll break your promise. That you'll break your promise and you'll forget.

And that's why you do it. That's why you turn everything into a reminder of him. You know it'd be so much easier, so much less painful, to lock the memories away – in a box beside his picture, to take out and mourn over once every century – but you won't do that, not to him. Because you think you truly did love him. And it breaks your heart that you couldn't say it to him when it mattered most. But you guess you'll just have to live with that now. You'll just have to go on living, with his shadow haunting your every step.

That's the price you have to pay for outliving the people you love.

Thoughts would be much appreciated – as would rants about new Torchwood. It's getting better, the first episode was god-awful, but I still SO do not appreciate them being extradited to America … and the lack of tosh/owen/IANTO, who I know are dead (they're NOT, it was all a bad dream…) but more mentions of them would be nice. Ugh.
having said that, I totally did appreciate sad, sweet, vulnerable, (naked) Jack ;D
xx