SECRECY
Chapter 10
So far no one has found out. About Jesse and I, I mean.
I wasn't quite sure why he was so adamant about people not finding out about us. It's not like one of us was a serial killer or something. Or, you know, gay.
But I still played along with it. If it's what he thought was better, then who was I to say anything about it?
Let me tell you, though, it was hard as hell to stop myself from throwing my arms around him and kissing him senseless whenever I saw him in the hallways at school, or even in classes.
But I knew we had to keep it secret, for whatever reasons Jesse had for it.
I mean, I really wanted to tell people — CeeCee, Adam, my parents — but I knew if Jake or someone found out, they would go berserk.
Wait...maybe that's why Jesse didn't want to tell anyone. That Jake wouldn't be okay with it.
I mean, the guy was his best friend — and my step-brother — so I could see why there was some hesitation there.
I will have to ask Jesse about that.
Pretty much everyday after school we went to the beach. You know, to get some privacy. It's not like we could go to his house and go up to his room without attracting attention. I guess we could just say we were doing a project, but...I'm not so sure some people — Marta, for instance — would fall for that. Besides, Marta all ready knew.
In school the Monday following the incident she actually came right out and asked me. And, well, it's not like I could lie about that. She'd see right through it.
So I told her about it, which she just kept looking at me with a smile on her face. I really didn't get her sometimes. I mean, wouldn't she just run out of the room at the thought of her brother kissing her best friend? I know I would.
But when I told her not to tell anyone, that Jesse and I weren't ready to tell anyone yet, she respected it and said she would keep her mouth shut. And she has.
So far.
The whole thing in school with me 'snagging the hot new guy' had passed a while back. I'm glad it had, since now it would be totally true, and very uncomfortable.
But, yeah, everyone realized we weren't going out, just friends. Which I am so grateful for. Because it would make this all the more difficult to keep secret.
The weekend finally approached and I was ever so thankful. I just couldn't wait until school let out for those two precious days. It's like God was purposely making the week drag so I couldn't be with Jesse.
But then my step-father announced that we were going to have a barbeque that Saturday and Jesse's family was invited.
So, basically, I could be with Jesse, but I couldn't kiss him or anything. Which, you know, is like torture to me.
Well, now, I mean.
Now that everything has been sorted out between us — emotions and the like.
Now its hard just keeping myself from ripping his and my clothes off and having my way with him. Which, now that I think about it, seems very unlikely in the near future.
I mean, with Jesse being the abstinence kinda guy.
He didn't say that, but I can so tell. When we make out, he makes sure he doesn't go past first base. And when he does he stops right away and starts apologizing profusely. Something about not wanting to take something so "precious" away from me.
But really, is virginity so precious? When you think about it, you're just waiting for the right person, or someone you think is the right person, to have sex with. So if you meet that person, wouldn't it be okay to do it with them?
Because I am fully aware that I think Jesse is "the one."
I know its too early to tell, but...I know he cares about me. I know he just wants the best for me. And I know that he feels more than just lust for me.
Maybe even love.
And, yeah, I love him. I may have not admitted that to him as of late, but I will. When the time is right.
And the timing has not been right lately. Believe me.
One day after school we went straight to my house. Jake and Brad were out surfing, Doc was over at some club in school, and my mom and Andy were out at some thing in San Francisco, and they wouldn't be back for a few days.
So, we had the house to ourselves. Well, besides Max, but he wouldn't go blabbing to anyone about it.
"Susannah," Jesse said when he realized no one was home. "I don't think this is a very good idea..."
I rolled my eyes. "Jesse, come on. Everyone is out. It's a perfect time to get some of the alone time that we've been deprived of lately."
He sighed and silently followed me upstairs to my room. "And just in case someone does come home," I said when we got in my room, "we'll just say we were working on a project together."
"Querida," Jesse said, using the one word that he knows can coax me into doing anything he says.
Not this time, though.
I smiled mischievously while taking the few short steps to him. I placed one hand on his chest and wrapped one around his neck, bringing him down to my level.
Then I kissed him.
He gave in and kissed me back. Oh, that felt so good.
As subtly as I could, I began pulling him back toward my bed, so we didn't have to stand. But, it seemed, Jesse had no problem with that.
He gently pushed me back on my bed, then climbed on top of me. Once meeting my face again, he met my lips with his own in another lovely kiss. His hand was on my left hip, ever-so-slowly inching its way upwards, much to my delight.
And the weird thing?
He didn't stop like I thought he would.
I felt a big smile come to my face as he pulled his lips away from mine and began suckling on the sensitive part of my throat.
I felt a little sigh escape me as he did that. This guy sure knew what he was doing. And how he was making me feel.
But just as soon as it had started it stopped. Jesse's hands quit roaming and his lips were torn away from my throat. It shocked me so much that I gasped.
Jesse got off of me as quick as he could, which, believe me, was very quick. It was like I was scorching hot water or something and he couldn't go near me, for fear of being burned.
Well, I thought, at least we got further than last time.
"Jesse?" I said unsurely.
He shook his head and distanced himself from me. "Susannah..." He shook his head again. "I am so sorry, querida. You have no idea how sorry I am. I should not have b—"
I rolled my eyes and interrupted him. "Jesse, what is wrong with you?" That was more of a rhetorical question. "You think you're 'disrespecting' me, is that right? Well, believe it or not, I like it when you do that, and I know you do too, so don't deny it. What we're doing is not wrong, okay?"
He sighed and ran a hand through his hair nervously. "Yes, it is, Susannah. I know how these things start. One thing leads to another and..." he trailed off and coughed. I got his point though. "I'm afraid that I won't be able to stop myself if we get too far, querida."
I let this sink in a minute before asking quietly, "Is going that far a bad thing?"
I realized then that I probably should not have said that. I mean, we had only been "going out" for a few weeks now. And...I guess I seemed a little slutty, even to myself.
Was it wrong to feel this way with someone I loved?
I couldn't pinpoint the emotion that crossed his face then, if only for a moment. "There are many things that could go wrong, Susannah. I do not want to take the risk of anything bad happening."
I knew it was no use arguing with him about this anymore. In a way he was right. Something could go wrong, even if we were as careful as possible. But even if he was not willing to take the risk, I was.
A few weeks ago, if someone had told me that I wanted to have sex with Jesse, I would have told them they were crazy.
But everything is different now.
A lot different.
Sometimes different can be good, and sometimes it can be bad. Right now I was not sure whether it was good or bad.
I kind of wish I could just go back to when I was eight again, where I had no worries or fears (besides spiders and the likes), where I was innocent, and where Jesse and I were just friends, instead of something more (that isn't to say that I don't like where we are right now, though).
But that can never happen.
Because, frankly, you can't escape love.
A/N: Review, please!