After a whole damn year I've finally compiled this piece of Epic Fail! due to loss of script and stupid drama... and partially I've been procrastinating by playing Zombies on Black Ops (damn thing is so addicting!) and drawing because I finally have a wonderful scanner and finally a deviantart account! Hehe, sorry. At any rate I'm still trying to write this, and hopefully this chapter is as good as the last. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I do not own Dragon Quest VIII or any other series mentioned or hinted at. It's a big harmless ball of fun with things I will never own.
Day Three: Gotta Have My Herbs!
It was way early in the morning when Joey, Yangus, King Trode, and Medea finally arrived at the entrance of the waterfall cave. Too early even, as the group had once again stayed up all night, and if that wasn't bad enough they were constantly ambushed by the monsters of the night. It really didn't help that they were low on herbs… again.
Joey hummed to himself whimsically as he stepped merrily towards the innards of the cavern, with Yangus trailing behind and the carriage parking itself in place until they should come back. The more than eccentric palace guardsmen motioned closer to the entrance and then he just… stopped. Just flipping stopped as Yangus accidentally crashed into him and knocked him down.
"Ay, wot's the big deal, guv?" the former bandit cried as he picked himself back off the ground, dusting his pants off and the rest of the dirt that sort of clung to his short arms. Meanwhile, guv just stood here balanced on his hands and knees looking off to the side of the cave like there was something else there. Not surprising for a crazy, easgoing potential therapy patient nut case stoner… who was in some why or another right about anything if he applied himself to that and not grabbing sacks and alienating the female populace with his critical breast reviews. Goddess be damned. It didn't help Joey's case one bit that he seemed to be prolonging the same pose that the bunny girl strippers would do on the bars at the pub on special nights in Pickham.
Why was he not surprised…
Finally Joey moved away from waving his ass in the air as he jogged over to find an ascending twisting path up the small mountain. "Let's go up here first!" Joey encouraged, of course not gaining any morale from his king, princess, or Yangus. Munchie was too passed out to support his friend, having added to the decrease in "herbs", but if the little mohawk-maned mouse had anything to say about all of it he would say it was magical and that he is the boss because he didn't have to jump out and walk on his own. That's how magical it was to the little guy.
Getting back on track, Joey slowed into a still gliding step up the mountain when Yangus yelled "Oy! Get back ova 'ere an' let's get this job done as fast as we can so we can fine'ly get this favour done and on wiv our journey!"
Joey just kept going, so Yangus turned to King Trode to set his bodyguard straight. What he was met with was a big goofy smile and really, really red eyes; the white was almost gone!
"Oh, cool down. It might actually be something to check into. Maybe there's someone or something up there that could point us in the right direction. Take what is presented to you from the universe to progress to the next step to create a more wonderful and magical journey, the journey to the self. Those are true kings who grasp the deepness of our world," the king babbled, directing his carriage via Medea, wearing the same dopey expression as her father. "Wot the bloody hell is he sayin'? When did they all 'ave time to do that wiv out me noticin'?" Shaking his thoughts he ran with his short legs at a fast momentum so he could catch up with his friend up ahead. One never knows when or where monsters are going to attack, so he might as well keep formation in order to live another day. As he shortened his sprint into a walk next to Joey a big fat joint was shoved in front of Yangus's face. He only looked at it for a couple of seconds, just deciding to numb the headache of being so high strung from lack of sleep. So he took it and toked it.
Back with King Trode, the green king's eyes started to sag low into his eyesight, not noticing that he and his high horse princess were heading straight off the trail and down a terrible tumble. Just out of newly acquired habit since joining Joey and other company, he checked behind them to see how the cursed royalty was doing. Yangus almost punctured and shot his lungs by screaming inward, sucking whistling air in when he caught the exact moment the wagon veered of the path, hearing Trode shriek obscenities that he claimed he was above uttering and the princess's terrified whinney. Joey only noticed the unfortunate twist of fate after the loud thud and hopefully non-problematic cracking noises of stressed wood. Both Joey and Yangus looked down from where the carriage fell. The horse-drawn vehicle was shockingly not in pieces; Medea was a bit dazed though.
"Hey, you okay down there?" Joey shouted down to his king.
"What's it look like?" he growled.
"You somehow avoided the laws of weight, velocity, physics, and impact force only to have a perfectly fine wagon?" Joey called down innocently.
"Fine my royal 'hind! This thing is now a fragile vessel for which it needs repairs ASAP!" the green king snapped back. He seemed as if he was going to blow more royal hot air when black flapping figures in the distance caught his attention. But the moment he finally noticed their presence they were already upon the king and horse. "Arragh! GODDESS DAMN IT JOEY, HELP."
"Why?" Yangus stared at Joey for the nonchalant question, pondering where he didn't find the danger in his king's predicament.
"THIS INS'T A FRAKKING GAME YOU SIMPLETON! DRAKKIES ARE TRYING TO DRAIN MY FRAKKING BLOOD, AND YOU HAVE THE GALL TO ASK 'WHY"? his voice went up a few octaves as he went, trying to fend himself off from the drakky-swarm.
"Yea, wot the bloody hell guv?" Yangus gritted.
"Alright, we're on it," Joey sighed out of annoyance for once before sliding down with his sword and shield in hand, former thief following close behind with his own axe and shield. How unlucky of them to have been held up by the batty and buggy creatures in the morning while the world still retained a starry night sky. Why did monsters have to be even more aggressive at night for pity's sake?
With a bit of effort, the nocturnal monsters each fell from the air, yet warranted another powwow session. The supply was ever the lower.
"Oy guv! Maybe we should 'ead back an' resupply. Maybe even possibly 'ave a nap at an inn for once an'-"
"No!" Joey barked. "We are going to the top of this damn mountain to find out if something of interest is up there." He looked back up to the path.
"Last one up there spends some quality time with Farebury's priesty molesting dinosaur fossil next visit!" Joey then bolted up to the path, climbing back up to where he last left off. Yangus and the cursed duo tried scrambling up, but kept sliding back down. The ex bandit's short and chubby everythings were not suited for climbing steep slopes being his disadvantage as the introduction to the drawbacks of hooves and fragile carriage issues was the kryptonite of the cursed royals. So they went around again, not stopping for any random spook as they raced up the puny mountain. Yangus came out far ahead of his competition, discounting Joey because he was probably exploring the top already if not impatiently waiting for them. Trode had to take it easy on the wagon, but once Yangus left out of his sight the first time he cracked the reigns for Medea to jack up the speed exponentially, not giving a second thought to stability of the vehicle. He made Yangus eat and shit out his dust.
At the top, when Yangus came up, he was sucking air and horrified at the loss of the wager.
"You 'ad a 'orse. That's… that's unfair!" Yangus huffed.
"Bite me," the king replied curtly.
"Look, it's a cabin!" Joey pointed out to the obvious. "Let's just break in! I wonder if they'll share some smores with me if I do?"
"Joey… damn it, I'm am way too exhaughsted to yell at you anymore, just GO. GO. do whatever you want," Trode sighed, tired.
Of course, Joey being Joey, he took that as a win and there was no turning back. He blatantly walked in the cabin, not bothering to knock, Yangus trailing behind him as Trode and Medea stayed outside. The cabin was too small to harbor the last two anyway. No use in going into a cramped space only to wait a few minutes until they had to go again. At any rate, Joey, upon his entry, paid absolutely no attention to the bearded man that lived there and made a beeline for the bag hanging off of the wall to the right. Yangus only walked in and stopped near the door as it was shut.
"What is your business here?" the owner of the small cabin requested to know, eyeing them warily since their sudden intrusion.
The ex bandit felt the need to explain that which he had no real idea about, just trying to tell the truth was his best answer. He was trying to clean up his life a bit anyway so hopefully they would be rewarded with at least living another day. That's what he hoped and thought at least. "Um, well me an' my friend 'ere-"
"Hey Santa, is this your sack?" Joey asked, gesturing pointed index fingers towards said item holder of interest. Santa was thrown off by the irrelevant question, but still noticed that Joey wasn't budging off of the question, rudely enough. So he answered, "Of course it is… it's in my house isn't it?"
"Wait, you don't know if this is your house or not?" Joey asked hurriedly. " What are you a thief? A ghost? Or are you… the creepy mail man that runs around in a toga-diaper all along the bright and sunny countryside?"
"Joey!" Yangus growled, walking near Joey and striking and digging his elbow into his ribs, telling him to knock it off.
The bearded man then rolled his eyes, deciding to just go with it, at his risk of course, and replied to Joey's question, "Yes it is. Why?"
"Do you mind if I… touch it?" Joey mischievously grinned. Yangus proceeded to double face palm in the background. Just as he was giggling to himself, Joey suddenly came face to face with the now pissed off mountain man.
"If you have no productive business here other than to spout off stupid jokes, remove yourselves immediately," the mountain man growled. As he had raised his voice it woke up Munchie, who was asleep in Joey's pocket after smoking some resin due to the "herb" shortage.
Peering out from Joey's pocket, Munchie looked upon the big bearded mountain man with adorable lidded eyes. Poor creature was having a slow recovery from such deep sleep. The mountain man noticed the small animal, taking a minute to identify it, when both the man and the tiny beast seemed to recognize each other, their eyes snapping fully open. Munchie crawled out from his insulated hammock and jumped onto the table in the middle of the room, letting a bunch of squeaks echo from his mouth. The older man listened to the rodent as if he could understand him. When the rodent was done the man asked, "You know these people? Especially the one with the orange rag on his head?"
Munchie solemnly nodded, earning him cries of "What? How dare you feel ashamed of me! I'm feeding you to Snake once I get the chance! I don't care if it's the Solid one or the Naked one!" Joey rebuked at his fuzzy friend. Shortly then he snickered, "Heheh, Naked."
Ignoring the last comment and all comments by Joey, Munchie continued squeaking like the rubber ducky Joey had left at Trodain (in tears no less) when the mountain man responded, "I'll have more later but first could you possibly do me a favor? I left a sack-"
"Can I touch that?"
"Shut up, guv!"
"A-HEM. As I was saying, I left a sack full of my tools underneath a tree with red foliage the other day. Could you possibly get that for me and bring it here? And tell your ditz of a gra- I mean, ditz of a friend not to put it in his mouth while you're at it," the bearded man finished.
"Sorry, I wouldn't stuff your hairy wrinkly sack down my throat for all the gold in the world," Joey calmly retorted.
Suddenly Joey, Munchie, and Yangus were roughly shoved out the door, which then closed with a loud thud.
"Just find the damn thing!" The owner of the cabin growled from behind the veil of wood.
Munchie scurried back into Joey's pocket as Trode came running up to the idiot and Yangus, the king inquiring "So how did it go? Did you find out anything about the crystal ball?"
Joey answered, "Nope! But now we gotta go looking for some crusty old man's sack under a red tree on toppa that."
Trode only slipped the rolled up newspaper that he hid in the sleeves of his robes out onto his hand and stalked menacingly towards the two. He even looked a lot darker in his approach with the sun reaching over the horizon, adding a scary contrast to his features.
"This better get done quick."
"I think he's not high anymore," Joey warned whoever heard him. The newspaper cracked like thunder and lightning over his cranium.
As the day got brighter the party made its way back down the mountain, over the grass, through the trees, ignoring the path, and avoiding One Knight Stand. Sometime in the afternoon they found the red tree with the sack amongst its roots. Of course, upon retrieving the objective, Joey just had to say, "Haha. I'm grabbing the tree's sack!"
The newspaper of the Goddess found it's way to the back of the palace guardsman's head, the perpetrator of the single-smack onslaught tired of the overused gag just like everyone else in the world. Trode commanded "Stop dilly dallying and get this over with! Valentina's counting on us to find some blasted crystal ball and you're playing around with a multitude of sacks! Do us a bloody favor and keep your sack fetish under wraps until you can afford a male prostitute over in Pickham after this dreaded curse business is finished!"
Joey took a moment to thick of what to say to defend himself, then blurting out to his majesty "Well if I have a sack fetish then you have a shiny prosthetic ball fetish like that one chick does!"
"You. Are. A moron."
"W-well, err, you're a towel!"
Cue the poor little green man double face-palming and Yangus throwing a fit over stolen jokes.
On their way back to the waterfall a small group of feline monsters strode their way towards the traveling persons. Seeing them sooner than the other two that were on foot, Trode warned "Gah! Candy Cats! Joey, Yangus, kill them as I sit idly by on the wagon and get high."
"We KNOW!" the two fighters of the party shouted as they headed into battle.
As Joey landed a strike upon one of the kitties he wondered out loud, "I wonder what they would taste like if you ate them? Would they taste like candy or pussy?"
Upon taking a cat down with his axe, Yangus said, "Guv… that's just… disturbing'."
To his horror, Yangus heard Joey say, "Let's finish this and find out!"
After beating the cats into submission and death as well as fifteen minutes of rushed cooking time Joey sampled a quick dish, chewing the meat until deemed ready to go down to his stomach. When he was done, he spoke, "Well it doesn't taste like candy nor pussy… it tastes like blood and herbs."
"I really 'ope that you were just joking' 'bout that pussy bit earlier," Yangus told his friend.
To this, Joey smiled, "That's for me to know, and you to be horrified about!"
"Hey. HEY!" Trode hollered, gaining Joey and Yangus's attention. "Dude, umm, we're out of herbs. We need to go get some more so I can cope with your bums being around at all."
So they went back to Farebury to buy more 'medicine'. Yet obviously King Trode and Medea were left to wait outside. While they were there Yangus plead with Joey about staying at the inn for a night since they haven't slept in days. For once Joey agreed, buying a room for the night, and totally forgetting to tell his majesty and her horse-ness…
Day Four
Needless to say, Trode was pissed the next mooring. So pissed in fact that he whipped the reigns on Medea to make her start galloping in Joey and Yangus's direction in an attempt at a deadly hit-and-run all the way back up the puny mountain with the waterfall cave. Busting into the bearded man's cabin Joey screamed as he held up the missing sack, "WE HAVE IT! We have it and please help us we're gonna die!"
"I'll take the sack," the man said as he reached for it. Joey let it go, still looking to the rough man for help from his homicidal king. "And here's some cheese."
Joey was handed a bag of cheese. He stared at it, perplexed, and asked, "How is this supposed to help me?"
"Well, it CAN help you. In other situations of course. But it's for your mouse, so don't eat it. Now get out of my house!"
With that Joey and Yangus were outside again, face to face with a seething King Trode sitting up high on the wagon.
"I will forgive you, as long as there is no more getting sidetracked from our objective of finding that lovely lady's crystal ball. However, if we do happen to take a little detour without reason I will string out your intestines and make rubbers out of the tissue to sell on the black market while you are still alive and I will make you watch as I do so."
Without a word, Joey and Yangus slid down the mountain and sprinted into the dark hole of the cave. Trode and Medea took their time going down the mountain, the green king humming contently.