Author's Note: Hey, everybody! How are you all doing? I've had a busy weekend: shopping for girly things, cleaning up around my house and of course writing this new update ;D This is in Jade's POV, hope you all enjoy it :D Warning: excessive use of the F-bomb and other not-so-nice words in this chapter.

Disclaimer: I do not own Victorious or its beautiful cast. Only my own morbid thoughts.

This ceiling needs to be painted black.

Come on, it makes total sense. All of the walls in my bedroom are painted black with lines of red cutting right through the center. The white on the ceiling stands out in contrast, it doesn't fit in.

But my Mom won't let me paint it black. Maybe she thinks that if it's black, all the walls will start closing in on me and suck me into a vacuum of darkness. And then I'll be lost forever with no colours to break the chasm of loneliness.

Grim much, Jade? You know how much you hate all that poetic crap.

It just makes me think of Beck and I do not want to be thinking about him.

Why did he have to take a leak at that particular moment and see me and Tori together? I'm not by nature somebody who gets embarrassed easily. But in that moment, I would've happily welcomed an earthquake and let it swallow me up through the ground.

Don't we live in California?

I thought about picking up the phone and calling Beck about a 100 times yesterday to try and explain. But what was I gonna say?

Hey, Beck. Just called to say sorry about you walking in on me and Tori fucking like rabid prairie dogs in the middle of school last night. My bad. And apparently, I'm gay now – surprise!

Yeah, like that's gonna go down well.

Jadelyn, you always had a way with words…

I shouldn't have left Tori behind and followed Beck, it was a waste of time. And now she probably hates me because she was gone when I came back to find her. I don't know why I bothered looking for her afterwards – this is all so fucking screwed up! I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to face either her or Beck.

It's been two days since Carnivale. I skipped class today, I just couldn't deal. The idea of going back to the scene of the crime made me wanna puke up my internal organs.

And it's actually giving me a rash…

Even though everything's a fucking nightmare right now, I can't stop thinking about Saturday night when Vegas and I were together. Sure, the circumstances were pretty shitty and the setting was beyond fucked up. But even in its imperfection, there was still something which resonated with me. In that moment, it felt like Tori and I were on the same page. Not just with our past rivalry, but with…everything.

Shit, I can't stop thinking about how good she felt against me, wrapped up all around me, her hair falling around my skin, spilling all over my fingers with one last cry of release…

Fuck, I'm going over the edge just thinking about it. Am I still talking about the same girl I used to have dreams about where I was wilfully drowning her in a lake of molten lava?

I still have the dreams. But lately, they always seem to end on a more…sexual note. My body has no problem whatsoever with making the connection while my brain is completely clueless.

I'm tired of lying on my bed staring at that damn white wall which reminds me of a padded room in a psych ward.

I can't take this shit anymore.

Dammit, I may be a lot of fucked up things, but I'm not a coward. Beck deserves some kind of explanation and Tori…well…I'd figure it out when I saw her, that's if she wants to speak to me. There's always a green tent in the Black Box if Vega needs some convincing…

I drove through every red traffic light known to man while I sped down the hallway. Ironically, it didn't have anything to do with wanting to see either Beck or Vega urgently. It had more to do with me and this insatiable need of mine to be reckless and just forget about what I'm feeling. When I feeling especially fucked in the head, I get into my car and just drive: no destination, no stopping, just going, going, gone…

And it feels damn awesome, especially when I'm wearing my Aviators that Beck bought me for Christmas, top down and my hair flying all over my face while I speed down the 101. I can practically feel and hear the rubber on my wheels shrieking and tearing underneath while they leave black scorch marks all over the freeway. Knowing that I could crash into another car any second and explode into a ball of flames brighter than any constellation in the sky seems like a fitting way to die if it's my time to go. The adrenaline just makes me crave it more as my foot slams down on the accelerator, meeting death or a similar fate head-on…

But then I'm at school and the moment passes. And it makes me realise that you can't run forever. Eventually, you have to stop moving and let the darkness surround you. Black is warm and inviting. The white wall is just a reminder of all the things I can't control, the things that are slowly driving me insane.

I forget why I'm here. I had something important to achieve, something to do with Beck and Tori.

But I'm scared.

There…I said it.

So I walk to my locker to buy myself some time. It's 4pm and I still hear chatter around me, coming from some of the classrooms in close proximity.

After-school clubs and societies. They're a bunch of idiots if they think this is a better way to pass the time.

At least they're not afraid of going home and facing black walls mixed with white that stretches beyond anything they've ever had to deal with before.

This is so fucked up…

And while I'm thinking those five little words, I hear his footsteps behind me.

I used to count them when we first started dating two years ago. More than five steps meant that he was walking towards me, coming closer. Anything less than five meant that he was walking away, and I was losing him for good. Beck always seemed to tease the line between staying and leaving, I could never tell what he really wanted from me or anything in his life for that matter. But as long as he was walking towards me, I wasn't complaining. It meant that nothing could come between us.

But what does it mean now when he walks my way?

An accident.

Beck wasn't looking for me; he probably came to put something in his locker. Why was he here again? Oh right, the new play that he was working on, his first attempt at screenplay writing. He cast Tori in the main role as a lovestruck teenager, there's a shocker.

His eyes were wide open in surprise. I forget for a split second what I'm supposed to be saying or doing, if I ever knew to begin with. Then we're circling each other in the empty hallway, like two lonely planets orbiting around the sun. Beck used to be the center of my universe – when did everything change?

"Hi…" I greeted lamely, surprised by the awkwardness in my own voice.

"Hey…" Beck said slowly, his head bowed ever so slightly.

And then he literally broke my heart in two with his next words:

"I thought I could do this and confront you about this thing with Tori, but I can't…"

"Beck, wait!" I protested when he was about to walk away again.

He came back to me reluctantly with his backpack slung over his shoulder. God, he would've made an outstanding underwear model in another life…

"What do you know?" I asked, cursing inwardly for sounding so stupid.

Beck chuckled at my words, but there wasn't an ounce of laughter in his eyes.

He looked like…me.

"Are you serious? That's how you really wanna start this conversation? What do I know?"

"You first." Beck declared with that determined glint in his eye that I only get to see on rare occasions.

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair while I began pacing on the spot.

"I don't know what I can say that's gonna make any of this better." I relented after a frustrating 5 seconds of tense silence.

"How 'bout the truth, Jade? Did you break up with me for Tori?"

"I can't answer that, Beck."

"WHY NOT?"

"Because! It's too confusing right now, I don't even know myself how to explain this."

Beck shook his head and laughed like he expected me to say that, which I couldn't understand in the least.

"How 'bout I help you out? You did this to screw with my head yet again because you're Jade and I'm Beck. Beck's cool with everything, he'll understand if his girlfriend suddenly likes girls…"

"That's not what happened! God, you have to believe me, Beck! I didn't go out of my way to purposely hurt you! You know me – I wouldn't do that." I protested, feeling close to tears.

"That's just it, Jade. If this was about anything else, I could say that without breaking into a mental sweat. But you left me in the dark on this one, I don't know anything anymore." Beck stated, his voice sounding strangely cracked around the edges.

"I'm sorry, Beck."

It was all I could say, even though I knew it didn't change a thing. Beck was still hurt and confused and I screwed up big time.

"Are you also sorry about hooking up with Tori at Carnivale?"

"No."

Beck ran a hand through his hair and I knew I was fucked. He's processing every last thing I'm saying and storing it away in a dusty drawer in his mind to use for a later stage. Beck may look like he doesn't pay attention to people, but that's just wishful thinking.

He sees everything, observes the slightest changes in dynamics and situations. It's his greatest weapon.

And now he's about to use it on me.

"Do you like her now?" Beck prodded in the relentless tone of a cop in an interrogation room, knowing he had me exactly where he wanted me.

"I…"

What the fuck am I supposed to say here? This is Vega we're talking about! I feel like I should be a contestant on some cheesy game show right about now.

He knows.

"I don't really know. Tori and I…just happened. It hasn't been going on, not while we were together." I explained as best as I could, hoping Beck couldn't hear how loud my heart was pounding in my chest.

"So you screwing her against a wall just happened too?" Beck demanded in a deliberately blatant voice that pissed me off a lot.

"Yes! I didn't plan it if that's what you're asking me. I didn't think anyone would see us!" I shot back defensively.

"Jade, you were in a hallway in the middle of school! Where'd you think you were? Hogwarts?" Beck questioned in an incredulous tone.

Damn, he had me there. But it was the heat of the moment – you don't ask questions in the heat of the moment! If I asked questions on a regular basis, Beck and I definitely would not have had sex in a Freezy Queen.

"Why were you out there anyway? Did you follow us? I thought you left the Black Box to take a leak…" I stammered, trying to regain control of the conversation and put Beck in the hot seat for a change.

"That's not why I was out there, Jade! You dragged Tori away from me on the dance floor and the two of you disappeared outside. I wanted to make sure she was ok; she seemed pretty down when she arrived at school."

"Oh, so now you care about Tori? How adorable – the two of you would be magical together-"

"Tori's my friend, of course I care about her. I thought something weird was going on with the two of you ever since you stopped Sinjin from hitting her in the face with a rock prop. I guess I needed to know for sure if I was right or wrong. And in case you're wondering, I do still care about you. I fucking love you!"

"No you don't, Beck! You think you love me, but you don't, not really. We'd been together for so long that it got easy and comfortable. Somewhere down the lines, we just kinda lost ourselves-"

"Fuck you, Jade. Just because you don't know how to love someone with all your heart, doesn't mean that everybody else operates that way!" Beck shouted with his hands resting on his chest.

"I did love you, Beck! I still do!" I yelled back angrily, my hands going up to my face to hold my head steady.

"Well, isn't that a pickle for you? And what about Tori, Jade? Or don't you give a fuck about her at all?" Beck pressed me.

This was entering dangerous territory, like when the Nazi's waltzed through the Polish Corridor once upon a time. It doesn't matter how much you want something, no amount of appeasement will suffice. There will always be a point when it all blows up in your face.

That moment happened when Tori entered the hallway and saw me and Beck talking. I saw her first and our eyes locked on each other, even though she was still standing a few paces away. Beck followed my gaze and turned around. He seemed to stagger a little when he saw her. But then he regained his composure and faced me again, a challenging grin on his face.

Uh oh.

"Here's your chance right now. Why don't you tell Tori exactly how you feel?" He prodded like someone in the middle of an important move in chess, his voice carrying so that Tori could hear him.

Holy shit, so that's his game. Beck knows, now he wants me to admit my feelings to Tori in front of him, his last victory in this fucked up love triangle. I never thought he'd ever play that card. Fuck! How can he do this to me?

No matter what I say here, I'm completely screwed. If I admit it, then that's it for me and Beck. I'm not saying that I want him back, but the idea of him not being a part of my life in any sense…I can't even let my brain go there.

And if I deny it, then what? Beck wins and I hurt Tori. A few months ago, this would've been a no-brainer. But now…

"Jade?" Beck questioned, cutting into my thought process.

Tori's standing next to me now and I can practically feel the heat radiating off of her body. How had I not noticed before how beautiful she really is? Truthfully, I had noticed, but it was only because my whole body was burning with white hot rage every time she talked to Beck or flirted with him.

But now…everything was so different and my chest is tightening with repressed words till the point where I feel like I can't breathe. In spite of my best intentions, Vega still found a way to get through to me and now she's breaking down every defence I own from the inside out till there's nothing and nowhere left to hide.

I'm not here, I'm not really here. I'm still in my car, driving down the freeway, speeding as far as possible. In the next few seconds, I'm going to crash, die on the spot and then just burn till there's nothing left…

"Jade-"

I cut Tori off instantly, not wanting to hear the sound of her voice, the only thing that could possibly make me change my mind in this moment.

"Let me break it down for you so there's no confusion at a later stage. What happened between us on Saturday night and every other time before that was a mistake, I was just blowing off steam. I don't want you. Whatever it is that you're looking for here…I can't give it to you, Vega."

I said it with as much venom and malice as I could muster, even Beck look surprised for a moment. But I didn't care anymore, not about him, most certainly not about her.

I'm done here.

I'm just fucking done.

Then I'm walking away, trying to quell that feeling of deep-set unease in the pit of my stomach. And it's telling me that I've just fucked up way worse than with Beck.

Deep down I know there's no going back after this.

I just broke Tori Vega down in the worst way possible. Now she knows the truth about me.

She won't speak to me again and end up hating me forever.

Good.

I don't care about anyone else but me. If I try to change that about myself, I'll only end up upsetting everyone's expectations of me. Despite what people say, nobody likes a redemption story.

Especially not one about Jade West.

Author's Note: Ok, even I acknowledge that this was positively grim :) But the humour will be back next chapter, promise. Beck was kind of a vindictive bastard at the end, but I hope his anguish at this entire situation came through. I'm waiting for my download of "Locked Up" to finish, hopfully I can watch it tomorrow after work. Heads up: I'm breaking tradition in this story and making next chapter in Jade's POV and Tori's the last POV for the story, so look forward to that in a few days. Now I'm off to bed so I can play tour guide in the morning - don't ask. Night :D