How It Feels

"WEASLEY! WEASLEY! WEASLEY!" The crowd in the Gryffindor common room chanted. Rock music blared as everyone clapped to the beat. I half-smiled in disbelief- Harry was just as bad as I was, using the Felix Felices to give Ron the confidence he needed. That was the most confident I had ever seen Ron- he proudly led Gryffindor team to victory; he undoubtedly would be talking about this for the next month or so.

Ron was only an average quidditch player, but he had been working so hard. I watched him practice every summer in the fields of the Burrow as he played with his brothers and, when Mrs. Weasley would allow, his sister. He was always keeper, his quick reflexes and lanky limbs kept the quaffle from entering the hoop most of the time, but sometimes he wasn't so lucky. Occasionally, his long, awkward arms would get in the way and he would fall off his broom allowing his siblings to score. He would sometimes let his frustration get the better of him and I would tease him.

Of course, I couldn't be completely self-righteous. I had confunded Cormac's broom in try outs. But that was different, I justified, it wasn't a real game.

Maybe not, but Harry and I were both just trying to help…

Only, Harry was trying to help his best friend; I, on the other hand used a harmless spell or two to help myself get noticed as something other than just his… friend.

I sighed and smiled sadly to myself- I admitted (to myself at least) a long time ago that I was in love with Ronald Weasley.

Towards the end of second year, I noticed I felt differently for Ron than I did for Harry. There wasn't a word for it- just distinctively other. Halfway through fourth year I noticed I couldn't help but act differently around Ron. Every friendly hug we shared was… special somehow. When he smiled, I smiled; if I could make him laugh, it made my whole day. It took me a while to realize exactly what it was, but soon I couldn't deny it: I had a crush on my best friend.

Over the past two years that crush became something I refused to ever let anyone else know about. My secret infatuation with Ronald Weasley was safe inside my head.

Though, as hard as I tried, I couldn't pretend to not be in love with my best friend.

I prolonged Ron and I's hugs and either Harry or Ron himself would clear their throat, and I would awkwardly let go. My nervous blush would always betray me. I wasn't the only one who could blush though- Ron's ears always turned a fierce shade of red as he scratched at the back of his head. He would stutter sometimes and walk away, or just pretend like it never happened. I wanted to believe that he was blushing because he was feeling something too.

I felt my smile widen as Ron's teammates lifted him up on their shoulders. I saw Ron's face light up with an enthusiastic smile from the victory that shouldn't have been. 'Liquid luck' indeed.

"You know you really shouldn't have done it," I said to Harry, trying to force some form of guilt out of him.

"I know," he chuckled, a joking smile dancing on his face. "I suppose I could have just used the confundus charm."

I guess I deserved that one. Was my spell that obvious during try-outs? I had been going for subtle, but I guess Harry had just been looking for a reason to get his best friend on the team. I couldn't help to be a little shocked that Harry noticed.

"That was different," I defended, my eyes wide, "that was try-outs… this was an actual game." I was ready to argue more, but Harry pulled a glass vile out of his shirt pocket. I stared in confusion at the vile of water-like liquid, immediately realizing what it was, but not wanting to be proven wrong. It was the Felix Felices. The glass container as full to the brim, the same way Harry had received it from Professor Slughorn. There was no way he had used it on Ron, it would need at least half the small container, if not all of it, to have any noticeable effects.

I appreciated what Harry had done; he was brilliant.

"You didn't put it in," gasped, looking back at Ron celebrating atop the huge crowd in the Gryffindor common room. "You wanted him to think you did."

Harry gave a self-satisfied nod, carefully placing the glass vile back into the chest pocket of his shirt, smirking smartly at his own wit.

I stared open-mouthed, absolutely dumbfounded. I didn't want to think about what would happen at the next game when Harry couldn't pretend to slip a luck potion into Ron's morning pumpkin juice, but then again- it didn't matter. Ron believed in himself now, he didn't have to worry about messing up his first game; it was already over. If he could win once, then he could do it again

Suddenly, cheers erupted from the crowd.

I couldn't see his face; my view was obstructed by a mass of wild blonde curls. Ron's arms flailed wildly out at his sides, but she seemed to be anticipating this, gripping him tightly and turning them on the spot- giving me a clear view.

She was snogging Ron.

Lavender Brown was snogging Ronald Weasley.

My mind went blank; I was completely at a loss for words.

I could only hope for one thing: he wouldn't kiss her back.

Please don't let him feel the same way.

All too soon, my hopes were crushed as Ron's rigid posture relaxed and he dropped his arms around her waist and he deepened the kiss.

Tears stung my eyes, my vision turned blurry as they continued their snog. He ran his hands up her back to clutch her closer and her fingers fisted in his hair. I stared in shock as Ron's lips moved against Lavender's with an alarming amount of force.

A sharp pain rose in my heart as I sucked in a ragged breath. My heart was breaking and I just couldn't look away.

This was all wrong. Lavender Brown never spoke of Ron; I would have surely noticed if she did- we shared a dormitory. Where had this come from?

I watched as the kiss became desperate.

That should be me, I thought.

Whistles and cat calls filled the room, egging them on.

"Atta boy Ron!" Someone shouted next to me, but it seemed to be coming from miles away.

I had to leave.

I disappeared into the crowd, noticing Harry smiling and laughing along with everyone else and I frowned. I thought he would know how it felt, with Ginny and Dean together and all.

I silently made my way to the Fat Lady's portrait, no longer noticing who I pushed past. I could feel the tears slowly burn my chapped cheeks.

I wiped my eyes with the back of my sleeve, but they immediately blurred again. I made my way out the door as my tears were starting to fall harder and faster as a sob ripped its way out of my throat.

Suddenly I was back in first year all over again, pushing past Ron himself.

She's a nightmare, honestly. It's no wonder she hasn't got any friends.

I wasn't good enough for him. He didn't want me. Ron Weasley would never see me as anything more than another friend.

Had I honestly expected him to?

Sure, I had imagined us being together as more than friends someday. It was something I wanted; I knew I was falling for my best friend and I never stopped it. I never once told myself I should slow down before I got hurt. I should have labelled him as 'off-limits'.

That would have been the smart thing to do.

I found myself wandering down a small rarely used spiral staircase outside the Gryffindor common room. I sat down on the bottom step and pushed the heels of my hands into my eyes, furiously trying to stop the tears.

I couldn't get the image out of my head. Lavender snogging Ron was hard enough to watch, but the worst part was that he had kissed her too.

The cold wind whipped into the stairway from the open arched windows, blowing the leaves in small circles on the ground. I took out my wand from my jeans pocket. Needing a distraction, I muttered the most complex charms spell I knew- one that would take all my concentration. The leaves at my feet spun as five yellow birds appeared on the floor in front of me. With another swift flick of my wand they flew up into the air, starting to sway in the breeze between each other, like a conductor performing some smooth symphony. I watched them in silence, the tears trailing down my cheeks and the wind stinging their tracks.

The difficulty of the spell kept my mind good and numb; I couldn't let my concentration falter, or the birds would stop and disappear.

Soon enough, I heard someone coming down the spiral staircase. The soft footsteps echoed on the stone floors.

Please don't let it be Ron.

A messy mop of black hair ducked through the archway. Harry.

He stood the step beside me, looking at the birds and then at me, but avoiding eye contact.

I hastily wiped my tears and took a deep breath. For all Harry knew, I only considered Ron a friend- someone I was constantly annoyed with- but still my friend.

I decided to pretend like it was nothing. Hopefully he wouldn't notice any redness in my cheeks- he couldn't see the tears in my eyes if I didn't look at him.

"Charms spell. Just p-practicing," I hiccupped.

Harry nodded, watching the birds. We both paused as they swayed to a silent beat.

I saw him look at me out of the corner of my eye.

"Well, they're really good," he said, taking a seat beside me, one step down.

He continued to look at me, I met his eye contact briefly before I looked away. There was a glimpse of confusion in them- he didn't know.

I sighed. He was my best bet at having someone to talk to. I needed a best friend, and, for the moment at least, he was the only one I had. I knew I could trust Harry with anything.

I thought for a moment about if I should say the words that had already formed on the tip of my tongue. I noticed it a couple times this year and I wasn't even looking- once at the Three Broomsticks, and again at the Slug Club dinner. I used my free hand to wipe another tear with the back of my sleeve.

"How does it feel Harry," I began my voice hitching a little as I tried to hold back more tears, "when you see …Dean with Ginny?"

I glanced up to check his reaction. He was suddenly very interested in the crack on the steps between us. I looked at the crack in the stone too. It was obvious that he had feelings for her. I think it might have been worse for him because he knew he had missed his chance- Ginny would have given anything for him to look at her a couple years ago the way he looked at her now. Now that he did, she had moved on. I saw the small stab of pain in his eyes every time he looked at her. When they kissed he always looked away, not to give them privacy, but because he was hurt. As hurt as I was right now.

Harry seemed to realize I wanted a response and he began to stutter.

"Oh. Um-" he said, not looking me directly in the eye.

"I know," I assured him and looked at him directly "I see the way you look at her. You're my best friend." I looked down at the ground between us, as a few tears escaped down my cheeks.

Suddenly, a loud girlish giggle reverberated into the room and a double set of footsteps followed. Oh no.

Lavender came bounding in, holding tightly to Ron's arm.

I looked down again, trying to hide my tears from the last person I wanted to see them.

Ron stepped in front of her as he looked at Harry and I on the steps, his bright smile faded and she tugged at his arm.

"Oops," Lavender said, slightly out of breath "I think this room's taken," she whispered loudly smiling up at Ron, hugging his arm tighter. I glanced up quickly, and saw Harry glaring furiously at them both. Lavender looked at me, then back at Ron, frowning slightly. She tugged at his arm one last time before getting a head start out of the room. Ron stayed behind, swaying on the spot, looking curiously at Harry and I- then the magical birds I had charmed floated through each other lazily as my concentration faltered.

"What's with the birds?" He questioned, laughing nervously under his breath.

A complete idiot. He knew perfectly well what.

I stood stiffly. I held my wand tightly in my fist by my side.

"Oppugno," I spat.

At my command, the birds jolted to an abrupt halt. They assembled in a straight line above my head and made a sharp dive towards Ron. His goofy grin quickly vanished, his eyes growing wide in fear as he saw the birds head straight towards his head. He stumbled backward and leapt sideways as my birds crashed into the door beside his face. Yellow leaves and feathers swam in the air where they had collided with the wood.

He gaped at me and I glared at him. My jaw clenched and I bit my tongue as I fought back everything I wanted to scream at him. His eyes seemed to bulge out of his head as he backed out of the room with the shock still frozen on his face.

I kept my fists tight and my mouth shut until I was sure he was gone; probably searching for Lavender. As soon as I was certain he left, I crumbled. A fresh round of tears welled in my eyes and I didn't bother trying to stop them.

I shut my eyes and a sob tore its way out of my chest. I reached back blindly and Harry's hand was right there, waiting. I grabbed onto his arm like a lifeline.

The embarrassed space and silence between Harry and I from before was gone. We each knew each other on a deeper level. I clutched his arm closer as I buried my face into his baggy oversized flannel. He let me cry into his shoulder, holding my hand with his free arm.

I let myself fall to pieces, my tears soaking the warmth of his shirt. He rubbed small circles into the space between my thumb and forefinger. Harry rested his cheek on top of my mess of hair as he stared ahead and I felt him nod.

"It feels like this," he said.