Tell It Like It Is
Chapter 18
Lizzy couldn't move. She thought if she tried to get up she'd break into a million pieces and never be put back together again.
"Get up."
She groaned as the lights were flicked on over her head. She just wanted the darkness back so she pulled her blanket back over her head.
"You're wasting your life. Get up."
"You have to be more forceful Core," another voice muttered and a moment later Lizzy's blankets were ripped off her bed and she was forced to curl into a ball as the cold air swept over her.
"Please just let me stay here," she pleaded quietly. It didn't matter though, for, just a moment later, she felt her bed shake and opened her eyes to see Corey lying beside her then Anya joined them as well.
"What are you doing Lizzy?" Corey asked her face serious and creased with worry. Lizzy, although she'd never admit it, could be prone to breaking.
"She's wallowing. Obviously." Anya gritted her teeth.
Lizzy shook her head and buried it into her pillow. "I'm not wallowing."
"Then why have you been in this bed for the last 16 hours?" Anya asked bluntly.
Corey spoke much gentler, "It's okay to be upset it you want."
"Go away," she muttered through her pillow.
"Oh real nice, just push us away. I'm sure that will solve all your problems."
Lizzy shot up at Anya's sarcastic tone. "Listen!" she shot angrily and fast. "The only man I've ever loved just told me he'd prefer to marry the biggest bitch in the world and I'm going to need a couple of hours to remember why I even bother living; which would be much easier if I didn't have you two witnessing me at my lowest point."
"It's just an envelope." Corey held out a flowery envelope with fashionable handwriting and sleek edges. "Remember that. It's just paper it doesn't mean that it's actually going to happen."
Lizzy ripped the envelope from Corey's hand and quickly ripped off the outside of it. "It's not just an envelope. It's an invitation to their wedding! It's an invitation to witness their joke of a marriage. It's an invitation to witness a lifetime of two people kidding themselves."
"Wouldn't want to miss that now would you?" Anya replied smiling evilly and holding out a pen. "So what's it going to be? Stake or chicken?"
"Anya! This is someone's life. Not some sort of cruel play!" Corey lectured, but Lizzy just grabbed the pen and marked for chicken.
"There. It's done. I'll go. I'll let him go. I'll move on, but for now can I just go back to sleep?"
"You have every right to be upset," Corey sighed.
"I'm not upset. Fuck Will! I knew this would happen all along. Remember? You even warned me and I did listen. I just don't know why I let myself be sucked into him again, but maybe I actually believed he could still be the only guy that would take me to the beach in the winter. Or share his jacket with me when I'm cold. Maybe I still thought he was the only guy that could make me confess all those stupid feelings that make me feel so conflicted.
"But even though he may be the only guy that makes me feel like I could never smile big enough for, the only one that I care if his jaw drops when he sees me, the only one whose feel of his skin makes mine burn; I can live with out him. I have to live without him because he can live without me. Sure, life will always be a little bit worse knowing I'll be setting for something less and that what I had with him was so great, but I'll survive. Life with Will would have had its problems, it already has and that was definitely not forever. So let him have Melanie. Let him find misery or happiness. I don't care just so long as I find a new reason to get out of this bed."
Corey felt her jaw drop. Anya felt hers stiffen. They both felt protective. They had never seen Lizzy in this state. They'd seen her miserable. They'd seen her numb. They'd seen her cry. They'd never seen her defensive. That was before Will. Back when Lizzy still thought she could be something without the help of anyone else. But Will had taken that from her. He'd taken her independence and made her love him. Then he just took himself out of the equation. She still loved him for all those years they were apart. She still needed him. She couldn't get through a day without the thought of him. She couldn't get through a date without comparing the guy to him. But now they got to see it. They got to see Lizzy remember that if Will didn't want to be with her, then Lizzy didn't want to be with him. She didn't need him anymore; she just needed to know that happiness was out there somewhere waiting for her.
And maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. Maybe she'd end up a miserable cow. But she'd rather be a miserable old cow later, than a miserable old cow now. She wanted to have fun. She didn't need something that could last forever. She'd found that, and forever turns out to be shorter than you'd think. She just needed to find happiness in that moment. She needed to find someone that could make her smile, not someone that could buy her a house. Maybe she could do that all by herself. Maybe the original plan was right all along. Maybe she should love herself. Maybe she shouldn't limit herself to anything except the sky.
She didn't know if she could change the world, or even just be a part of it, but she could change her world. She could finally stop being a spirit that lived outside her body, but a spirit that controls herself. A spirit that lets her have fun, jump out of airplanes, meet famous people, remember what her childhood was like, or even just travel to the moon from theconfines of her dreams. She hadn't been a person since she was so little. She'd become so scared of getting hurt that she ended up broken into a million pieces.
And the worst thing was, that it wasn't Will's fault. She'd been hurt and pushed him away, not the other way around. The only man she needed was her father and when he'd died she'd pushed all others as far away as possible. She stopped calling Will, hoping that he'd break her heart because she wanted out. If it hurt her that bad to see him go after a mere two years with him, think how it would have felt after 50 years. She'd latched onto him for all that time out of regret. She tortured herself and now she realized she was too late.
Because she'd accepted the inevitable heartbreak, she ended up landing herself a lifetime of it.
Ok. All I have to say is that I really have to pee.
Ok byyyyye. (Review!)