A/N:

Just a few things I thought I'd let you know: Coca-Cola is called such name because the old recipe contained cocaine. COCAine COLA, yes? Another Coke fact. Santa Clause was green and white before Coca-Cola was invented.

True Chiz.

Santa is a verrry illegal man. You know he doesn't even have an exotic animal license and he owns reindeer? That bad, baad man. He's a very bad role model to children.

And isn't it against the law to pay your workers less than minimum wage? THOSE POOR ABUSED ELVES!

Dammit, Im getting off topic.

All characters except Renym belong to Jhnen Vasquez. I love spelling his name like that. X3

Coca-Cola belongs to... Well, The Coca-Cola Company. o3o

Santa belongs to no one. Congrats to you, Santa. No one loves you, you cocaine-addicted bitch.

Anways, enjoy my funniest chapter yet. It's... Oddlynessiestyness... might shock you a little. So be prepared. Be prepared for the Oddlynessiestyness.

Wow, I write long Author's Notes. Anybody got a therapist for that?

Chapter 5

Unfortunately, They Found Them

"WHEEEHEEHEEHEE!" Purple squealed with glee.

"OO! MY TURN, MY TURN!" Red playfully shoved Purple off the ride and put in fake monies. The mini, plastic Massive rocked every which way, throwing Red around against his will.

Renym threw her head back and laughed. She didn't know what the Irk was wrong with these two, but it sure was freaking funny.

Purple and Red giggled together. The Navigators looked a little worried and actually looked up fom their work to check and make sure that the Tallest weren't high on crack again. Well, there were no drugs around, other than Purple's ADHD meds, so they went back to work.

Renym spotted a straw sitting on the other side of the room. She perked up and mused to herself, "Awww, look at that lonely straw, just begging to be chewed on..." She skipped over to the measly plastic tube. She didn't CARE if it was used; Renym was just in DESPERATE need of a straw.

She picked it up, ignoring the fun-filled screams of Red and Purple. A fraction of a second later, the straw screamed protest as it crunched beneath Renym's teeth. She gagged a little when some old soda flowed out of the straw. It did NOT taste pleasant. Who knows how old that soda was?

Renym closed her eyes a bit longer than a standard blink, scrunching up her face in disgust. She walked back to her corner, feeling somewhat more satisfied.

Then she saw the cans. The RED and WHITE cans. Ooh, those cans... They looked so familiar. But harmless otherwise. She ignored it and went back to chewing her straw.

Suddenly, a very odd noise emitted from Red and made Renym jump a little. It was the sort of sound that was kind of like the mix between an excited squeal and a seductive grunt.

It worried Renym just a little. Just a LITTLE. A very, very, VERY small amount. You hear me? Very.

She looked over to Red, who had fallen flat on his face and was giggling uncontrollably to the floor. Purple started crying and screaming at the top of his lungs, "REEED! DON'T DIE ON MEEE! Wahahahahah... WAAAAHH!"

Renym walked reluctantly over to her two leaders, a little scared for them. "Are you two okay?"

"Heeheeheeteeheehee..." Red's giggles were muffled by the floor.

"RENYM! RED FELL ON HIS FACE AND NOW HES GONNA DIE-HIE-HIIIIE!" Tears rolled down Purple's cheeks.

"Purple, it's gonna be-"

"REEEED! DON'T DIE! KEEP BREATHING!"

"TeeheeheeHEEEEEE! I love you, floor."

Renym's eyes got wider, if that was possible. There was something seriously wrong here. More wrong than a giant floating pineapple pizza dressed as a green Santa that is a Justin Beiber fan.

Well, maybe not as wrong as that. Not many things are as wrong as a BeiberFever-induced pineapple pizza.

Purple suddenly stopped crying and was now SITTING on Red's back. Red, squished under the weight of Purple, choked on the air he wasn't getting. Purple sang with delight. "You make a pretty couch, Red."

"PURPLE! Get off Red!" Renym screeched.

"Okay," Purple said with a smile and got up. Red got up too, then randomly crouched down to punch Purple's leg.

"OWCHY!"

"K, that was pretty jacked up," Renym commented. "But if you were gonna hurt him so low, why didn't you just kick-"

"OWCH!" Purple screamed again, even though Red hadn't touched him again.

"SHUT UP YOU IDIOTIC BUTT-BRAIN!" Red yelled.

All of a sudden, Purple fell backwards. He shouted curses, but simply laid there on his back and made absolutely no attempt to get back up.

Red stared at Purple for a while, then purposely fell backwards to join Purple. Red moved his arms and legs, shouting, "IMMA SNOW ANGEL!"

Renym backed up. She did so just enough to trip over a can. A red and white one. Oh, that can... So... So... So FAMILIAR. She picked it up, reading the unusually curly Irken writing.

Coca-Cola! Renym staggered backwards a little. This can't be new... The design is so old...

Then it all came to her. CRAP! It IS the old design!

She dropped the can and ran to her leaders again. "You freaking IDIOTS!" Renym shouted.

Red and Purple's glazed over eyes grew wide and bubbly, as they realized they were in trouble. "Please don't send me to my room, mommy," Red pleaded.

"You two are... You two are... So... HIGH." Renym gritted her teeth together. She knew that any normal Irken would never dare to get angry at The Tallest, IN FRONT OF THE TALLEST, but Renym didn't consider herself a normal Irken. And as their advisor, it was kind of her job to... Advise... So she was INCREDIBLY angry at herself for letting them get away with this.

"I want some SUGAAAR!" Purple screamed. He may have been trying to change the subject, or he was just really REALLY REEAALLYYY cocaine high.

Probably the latter.

Renym sighed in frustration. "You two need to get a hold of yourself. NOW."

They both took one hand and grabbed themselves on the chest.

Renym did a facepalm. "Not like that," she groaned. "You guys are freekin HIGH."

"Well, duh, we're in SPACE," Purple pointed out.

"He's got a POINT there!" Red squealed.

Renym took deep breaths and rubbed her temples. "I bet Rarl Kove didn't have to deal with this crap...," she muttered under her breath. "Renym just HAS to BABYSIT The TALLEST, and make sure they don't get high off freaking stolen soda..."

She stomped over to the cans in a cuboard she had seen earlier. She grabbed two cans and marched back to The Tallest. Their eyes grew wide and they reached in excitement, desperate to get their delicious cocaine-filled treats.

"No." Renym put on a stern face. "These are bad."

"YAHAHAHAHAHA! SUGAAAAR!" Purple screamed some more.

"GIVE US THE YUMMIES!" Red squealed some more.

"No, these go out the airlock." Renym walked calmly to the airlock and threw the sodas out. Purple and Red weeped heavily as they were sucked into space.

"DONT FORGET TO BREATHE!" Purple shouted.

"ILL TAKE CARE OF THE CHILDREN!" Red promised.

Renym rolled her eyes and backhanded both of them. "SHUT UP! I'M TEACHING YOU A LESSON HERE!"

She continued the procedure, throwing two cocaine-induced sodas out the airlock at a time. Just to fully torture the two leaders. The process took forever, considering there was, like, 600 sodas or so.

Once Renym was down to 550, though, she just began throwing them out by the armful. This surprisingly made the Tallest scream MORE, and Renym wished she had though of it earlier. After she was down to 450, she had to hire some Navigators to help her dump the sodas. Every couple of minutes, Renym's impatience gave way and she would hire more Navigators.

Once the long, grueling process was over, and the Tallest had stopped crying for their Coke, they were somewhat back to themselves.

They sat back down in their chairs, quite exhausted from crying their heads off. Renym returned to her corner, chewing her straw. Everything seemed peaceful until Renym heard a revolting slurping sound.

She looked up only see Purple drinking from a red and white Coca-Cola can. Red saw it and asked, "Hey, can I have one?"

Purple nodded. "Yeah, we got a whole stash over there. There's like, 1,000 of em."

As Red went over the huge second cuboard, Renym's eyes grew wide. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

A/N:

I'm doing another one of these? Damn, I need therapy.

Anyways, BACKGROUND INFO!

The Tallest had STOLEN all the old-recipe Cokes in the universe a LOOONG time ago, causing Coca-Cola to come up with a new recipe since cocaine was now banned.

Red and Purple lost the secret stash, but a few hours before the setting of this chapter had started, they found it and started drinking up on the cocaine. You know that if the Talkest found a stash of 600 sodas, they would drink them. And fast.

Yes, I know, high people don't actually act like this. The only explanation I have is that they are NOT people, they are Irkens, and the cocaine has different, much weirder affects on them than it would a human. So there.

This chapter is generally why I rated this thing T. Sorry if I may have completely changed your views and opinions on the Tallest.

NOW GET ME A THERAPIST!