Santana made a decision she hoped she wouldn't regret and followed Sam out the door. She thought to herself how it wasn't really a decision – she had no choice but to follow and try to douse the fire threatening to spread and engulf her. Her friend was halfway down the steps of the porch when she heard the door open and turned around.
"Santana, I –"
"Sam, it's not what you think," Santana's voice was borderline hysterical as she fought to get the words out. The other girl stepped back up onto the porch. She opened her mouth to respond but Santana cut her off again, her tone still unsteady.
"Like, it really isn't I can explain and before you go off talking to people about it I swear to –"
"San!" Samantha nearly shouted. The darker girl stopped mid-sentence. "San, it's fine. It's not a big deal."
Confusion plagued Santana's features as Sam continued. "You could have told me sooner, though."
"I'm not gay."
Samantha watched her friend carefully, understanding more than Santana realized there was to understand. A small smile crossed her face.
"Sleeping with a girl is kind of gay, Lopez."
Santana ignored the girl's smile; ignored the attempted playful comfort. She looked across camp and saw campers walking towards the dining hall. The darker girl got herself under control, steadying her voice into a harsh, even tone. She never took her eyes off the group of campers.
"Really, I'm not gay. I just, –" She shook her head. "I have to get dressed. I'll meet you at breakfast. And don't say anything, okay?"
Sam followed her gaze to the campers crossing the field to the dining hall. She sighed. "You know I'm still going to make you talk to me about this."
Santana put her hand on the doorknob, looking at Sam, her eyes hard and calculating. She ignored the statement, sniffed indifferently, and stepped back into her room.
Back in her room, Santana all but ignored Brittany sitting up in her bed. She moved to her dresser to pick up a bathing suit and shorts.
"What happened?" The blonde asked carefully as she rubbed sleep from her eyes.
The question fell on deaf ears as Santana hurried to get dressed. Her mind raced, unsure of whether or not that had all just happened.
"Santana!"
Santana stopped, looking up at the blonde. She was late, she wanted to get to breakfast; she needed to get out of this room. Santana's brow creased and she turned back to getting dressed. Brittany got out of bed and walked over to Santana. The darker girl looked up again and swallowed hard. Goddamnit, can't she put on clothes?
"Hey," Brittany pulled Santana towards her, wrapping her arms around the shorter girl. Santana allowed herself to relax momentarily in Brittany's arms, resting her head in the crook of her neck. "You're fine. We're fine." Brittany murmured reassuringly in Santana's hair.
Frustration boiled up in her stomach. "No. No we're not!" Santana pushed back from Brittany roughly, leaving the girl with a surprised look on her face, her arms left hanging out awkwardly. Brittany frowned. Santana curled her fists tight, pressing her nails into her palms. "You need to put some fucking clothes on. And we're not okay, okay?" Brittany crossed her arms across her chest, still stunned by Santana's outburst.
The darker girl grabbed her things and headed towards the door. She looked back at Brittany. "I need to go. I can't deal with this right now. Just – I'll see you later." With that, Santana opened the door and hurried off to the dining hall, fighting the tears burning in her eyes that threatened to blur her vision. Brittany stood in the room for a while before turning solemnly to collect her clothes.
There was no knock on her door that night. No silent opening of the door, no shifting weight on the mattress, no tender hands lacing themselves around her body. Santana lay in bed staring at the door. She shouldn't have been surprised that Brittany didn't come over, but it still hurt. It's your own fault, she chided herself as she rolled over. After the events of the morning, Santana had worked hard to avoid everyone involved. Breakfast was awkward and she had eaten a quick dinner, skipping lunch altogether. Luckily it had been a packed day at the lake and she didn't have any free time to spend with her friends.
Now she was restless, wondering what Brittany was doing. She's probably better off, a bitter voice sounded in her mind. Eventually Santana began to wear herself down, letting sleep wash over her.
That night she dreamt she went for a swim in the lake but got caught in a tangle of seaweeds. The seaweed began creeping up her legs, slowly pulling her under the water. She thrashed with all her might, crying for help and taking in a huge gulp of water. Santana kicked and kicked until she was back in her bed, tangled in her sheets, soaked in sweat and gasping for air.
"'Kay guys, everyone on the buses!" The director shouted into the megaphone, making the announcement twice as loud. Maybe 3 times as loud, seeing as it was barely light outside. Santana groaned and filed onto the bus after a group of campers. She was excited to go to the amusement park – just not to go on a bus for 4 hours with a bunch of screaming kids. It was the camp's annual trip to the park and instead of getting a day off, all staff members had to be there. They were only on duty during the bus rides and lunch at the park; otherwise they were free to roam the theme park by themselves.
Santana moved to the back and sat with a group of older girls who loved swimming and often came down to the lake in their free time. Most of them were listening to iPods but she chatted with a few about how their summers were going. She noticed Jen and Dan get on the bus but they stayed towards to front and sat with each other. The ride moved smoothly with no traffic and the buses were pulling up to the theme park in no time.
Everyone was given instructions on when to meet and where before they were turned loose in the park. Santana looked around at the groups of staff members forming to enjoy the park and felt strangely alone. It had been a few days since the 'incident', as she referred to it in her mind, and she hadn't really talked to anyone recently. She caught a glimpse of Brittany and Sam and almost moved towards them before Jen called her name.
"Wanna walk around with us?"
"Us" consisted of Jen, Dan, and Tom, which was an awkward group to say the least. Santana and Tom hadn't done much talking for the second half of the summer, and Jen and Dan were being all coupley and touchy-feely. Santana weighed her options and shrugged, giving Jen a small smile.
"Sure"
As the foursome walked through the amusement park Dan and Tom argued over which rides they wanted to do first. The girls trailed behind them and Santana confessed to Jen that she really didn't like rollercoasters; regretting the confession immediately when Jen told the guys this news. They laughed and aww-ed and swore they'd get her on at least one, much to Santana's dismay.
Before it was time for lunch they had gone on the log flume and a small rollercoaster. Dan commented that their time spent in line for the rollercoaster was the best workout he'd gotten in a while because Santana had put up such a fight. The boys had held her in line while Jen apologized to people waiting around them. Tom joked that he had never heard so much Spanish before, and surely nothing that could be repeated in his Spanish class. Santana only glared, battling a small smile even though she was raging, and said she'd like to go get lunch if that was okay with her captors.
In the picnic area of the park the campers gathered and got their packed lunches. The on-duty staff members sat with their kids while the others found tables nearby. Santana, Jen, Dan, and Tom sat at their own table. Santana looked over to where Brittany was sitting with Sam and a few guys she didn't really know and her stomach turned. She ate her sandwich and tried to get into her friends' conversation, but her heart wasn't in it.
After lunch the boys wanted to go on some bigger rollercoasters but Santana swore she wouldn't even get close to them. Jen was torn, wanting to go with the guys but not wanting to leave Santana. The darker girl just smiled and told Jen she'd be fine. Jen protested a little, but upon Santana's insistence, she linked hands with Dan and followed the guys off into the park.
Santana took the rest of the afternoon to herself, strolling through the amusement park at a leisurely pace. She watched kids chasing after each other, and parents chasing after kids. It was nice to have time to herself, where she could wander and be distracted from her worries about camp and Brittany. Santana managed to lose herself in the crowds, letting them guide her through the park, but every so often she caught sight of blonde hair that jolted her from her thoughts. It was always someone else, a girl or woman who happened to have their hair up in a messy ponytail. She sighed and walked through a section of carnival games.
Santana's favorite game was the water gun one, where you had to shoot the target and race your character up to the top. By the end of the day she was the envy of everyone she passed, having won the large prize at the water gun game. Santana made her way back to the buses in the parking lot and fended off campers who tried to steal her giant plush puppy dog.
Exhausted from walking around all day, Santana got onto the bus and moved towards the back, putting her prize in the seat next to her. She leaned back in the seat and closed her eyes as the buses began to fill and get noisy with the excited chatter of campers. The sun would be setting soon and counselors ushered their kids on to the buses as fast as they could.
"Hey, make room for me over here."
Santana looked up and saw Sam standing over her.
"Where the hell am I supposed to put this thing?" Santana frowned and motioned towards the huge plush dog next to her.
"Just put it across from us – kids can squish together to make room for your prize." She shrugged and grinned as she pulled the dog from Santana's hands and placed it in the seat behind her. "Now shove over."
Santana rolled her eyes and obliged, even though she was sure she wouldn't like being trapped between a window and Sam for the long ride back. She stayed on the defensive for the beginning of the ride, waiting for Sam to bring Brittany up. To her confusion, Sam kept on talking about the theme park and her favorite rides, but Santana stayed tense the whole time. Sam must have noticed because finally she sighed, looking at Santana in the dim light.
"San, you can relax. Brittany and I talked."
Santana did anything but relax at the statement. "You – what?" She almost yelled before remembering that there were campers around, and that the bus had fallen quiet as most campers passed out on each others' shoulders, exhausted from the day.
Sam smiled reassuringly. "We talked. And she told me that you guys are hooking up, and it's fine, you guys like each other – that's cool, awesome, no labels, great." Sam held up her hands as she spoke, motioning that everything was fine and that there was no judging going on. Santana became very interested in the bus floor and how her shoes looked on it.
Sam's voice was soft as she put a hand on Santana's shoulder. "Santana," the girl finally met her friend's eyes. "Seriously, it's not a big deal. I'm happy for you guys, as long as you're happy."
"I hate this," was all Santana could manage, feeling the fear coursing through her veins. She looked back down at the floor. "Like, what the fuck. What am I doing?"
"Hey, San, it doesn't matter. Are you freaking out 'cause she's a girl? Dude, she's fucking hot!" Sam grinned as Santana let out a small laugh. "It doesn't matter – you like who you like," she finished, rubbing Santana's back.
The darker girl smiled weakly, thinking to herself as her friend gave her a little squeeze. Her features sharpened quickly. "You can't tell anyone though"
"Of course not! I'm not saying anything to anybody. I'm here for you. And Brittany." She smiled at Santana, who slowly returned the favor as the idea of someone else knowing about her and Brittany, and well, whatever they were, permeated her mind. She loved Sam and realized she could trust her, and that it might be nice to have someone to talk to about it other than Brittany.
It. She still didn't know what "it" was. But at least now Sam knew that "it" existed. And she was okay with "it". Supportive of "it". Santana nodded to herself and sighed. Sam smiled again after having watched her friend think things through.
"So…I was kind of a dick to Brittany," Santana told Sam.
"Well, I don't know if you've noticed, but Brit likes animals. Especially fluffy ones."
Santana smiled as she thought back to that time Brittany scolded her for shooing a flock of geese off the waterfront at camp, even though her boss made her do it whenever the birds showed up. "Yeah, I may have picked up on that."
Sam jerked her thumb over her shoulder towards the seat containing Santana's large prize. "You could maybe stop by our room tonight to make amends? I'll be out, uh, sleeping somewhere else."
"Oh really now?" Santana questioned, raising an eyebrow. "Where? Or should I ask, 'who'?"
The other girl blushed. "Mike – he's one of the waiters."
"Yeah girl, I know who Mike is," Santana teased, poking Sam in her side. "He's cute!"
"Duhhh. Why do you think I'm sleeping with him?"
Santana laughed again. As her laughter died down she looked at Sam. "Thanks, Sam." She said sincerely.
"For what, sleeping with Mike?" She laughed as Santana rolled her eyes. Sam shook her head, then met her friend's gaze again. "Yeah San, of course."
Santana adjusted the giant dog in her arms and managed to knock on Brittany's door. Santana had waited until camp fell quiet before coming over; now all she could hear was the loud chorus of crickets chirping in the background. She heard a muffled "come in" and swung open the door, not bothering to try and hide the plush prize.
Brittany was sitting in her bed reading. She looked up at Santana and put her book down on her nightstand. She greeted the girl with a neutral "hey", her voice even, not betraying any emotion. Santana held out the large stuffed pup.
"I got you something"
The corner of Brittany's lips twitched upwards. She held out her hands reluctantly and Santana gave her the dog before sitting on the edge of the bed next to her.
"You mean you won something and Samantha suggested you give it to me?"
Santana chuckled. "Maybe. Maybe I would have done it anyways."
Brittany was quiet and put the dog next to her on the bed. Santana looked at the dog for a few moments before meeting guarded blue eyes. "Brittany…I'm sorry. I was an ass. And I was panicking, but that's still no excuse. I'm just, I dunno. Freaked out. I've only liked guys before. Like, really liked guys. And now I really like you and I don't know what it means…" Santana could feel herself rambling and trailed off, hoping Brittany would cut in and save her from tripping over herself.
The blonde's features softened and she leaned forward. "It just means you like me, San. Which, by the way, I don't blame you." Brittany grinned and tossed her hair over her shoulder with a mockingly haughty flick. Santana gave a small laugh.
"I know. It's just still, scary. I know a few kids in my school who've gotten their asses kicked 'cause they're gay, and it just…sucks. To put it lightly." Santana shook her head, looking back up at Brittany. "But anyways, I'm sorry I was a jerk."
"I guess I can forgive you," Brittany smiled at the darker girl and rubbed her knee. "I mean, you did give me this awesome puppy. Whose name is Charles."
"Charles? When did you come up with that?"
"Just now. I think it suits him."
Santana chuckled and fell silent. She adjusted slightly on the bed. "So…now what?"
"Well, you couuuld kiss me? Maybe? I think that's always an appropriate re–"
Brittany's clever response was cut off by Santana following her first suggestion. She crawled over Brittany and straddled her hips, pressing her lips against the blonde's with a forceful purpose. Santana snaked her hands around Brittany's neck, pulling at her hair gently, tilting Brittany's head upwards. She moved from the girl's lips down to her neck, eliciting a soft moan from the blonde.
"I'm sorry," she whispered in between kisses. "I'm sorry"
Brittany brought Santana back up to her and held her face between her hands, staring into deep brown eyes. She smiled before kissing Santana gently. "It's okay. I know." She let her hands fall from Santana's face and wrapped them around her waist as she kissed her deeply.
Santana broke the kiss and rested her head on Brittany's shoulder, nestling into her neck. Brittany rubbed her back and placed small kisses against her hair and ear.
"Hey Brit?" Santana asked softly against Brittany's neck.
"Yeah San?"
"Do you think we can move Charles? I don't think there's enough room for the 3 of us."
Santana sat up and grinned goofily. Brittany kissed her again.
"I think that can be arranged."
Santana moved off of Brittany who placed the giant stuffed animal on the floor next to her. Santana slid under the blankets and Brittany followed. Santana turned in towards Brittany who wrapped her arm around the Latina.
They fell asleep easily that night, wrapped up in each other, their dreams light and inconsequential.