Chapter Five: A New Dork

"CUT!" Cameron shouted as Voltron beheaded the Zord. Time suddenly screeched to a halt relative to the story. In the meantime, the director took a turbolift up to the Black Lion's control room.

"Look," he tried explaining to the pilot, "it's supposed to be more... interesting than that. Kick them a few times, let yourself get hit once or twice."

"But we've got this cool energy sword that can kill them in a single hit..." the pilot complained.

"It's not that," Cameron explained. "It's the drama."

"Oh, right, I forgot," the pilot replied sarcastically. "It doesn't matter how many casualties we suffer, we can always come back from the dead and kill them."

"Exactly!" James shouted enthusiastically.

The pilot sighed, pulled out his sidearm, and put a bullet through Cameron's head. The erstwhile director crumpled to the floor, and the story resumed.

The Zord continued its not-so-stately fall as gravity returned...

Jacen grabbed Tenel Ka and leaped over the pigeon guano, over the wall that bordered everything, as a large shadow appeared over them...

The oversized, overweight mecha slammed into Theed Palace, obliterating the centuries-old building instantly...

Using the Force to slow his fall in a dramatic manner that a Jedi Master would have been hard-pressed to do (but that fact was conveniently forgotten) Jacen landed about a mile from the crushed palace, and let go of Tenel Ka, who immediately covered her exposed breasts and glared at him.

"What do you think this is?" she demanded. "Some kind of porno fic?"

"Hey, Princess," Jacen retorted half-sarcastically, "it was either grab you then or let you get crushed while you tried to find the right shade of lizard-hide to put on."

"Oh, really?" Tenel Ka sniffed. "That hack bounty hunter Johan held up a collapsing skyscraper that was larger than that wimpy robot. What makes you think I couldn't do the same?"

"It's just what the Story requires," Jacen said, obviously miffed. "And don't mention that guy again."

"Why not?" she retorted. "It's not like I even know him, unlike you and Danni..."

"Shut up."

The air was silent (as if it could be anything else) for a strangely poignant moment. Then:

"Is this yours?" Tenel Ka held up a yellow book, which had "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Dealing with Three Feet of Pigeon Droppings" inscribed on its cover.

"You know," Jacen muttered after a moment, "I'm beginning to regret marrying you, even if you are really good in bed."

"Didn't I just tell you that this isn't supposed to be a porno fic? Come on, Jacen, you should know that some of the people reading this are underage..."

"Just like we were, that one night at the Academy?"

"OK, that's it. One more crack like that, and I'm calling Ken Starr."

"Are you kidding me? I have Johnny Cochran on my holonet speed-dial."

Tenel Ka rolled her eyes. "Well, at least that explains the astronomical holonet bills we've been getting lately."

"Now who's wisecracking?"

[Elsewhere]

"This is Black Mesa News, your one source for news on events in the facility. In our top story today, renowned hero Gordon Freeman has died at age 104. The cause of death was allegedly auto-fellatio, although many scientists here have expressed severe doubts about the likelihood of such a method at Freeman's old age..."

[No, the OTHER elsewhere]

"And now, here is what President Kennedy has to say about the situation unfolding in Vietnam."

Instead of the President speaking, there was a shotgun blast, and a different person stepped up to the camera.

"Regretfully," he began, "the President is unable to comment on the current situation."

"What the hell?" the anchor almost shouted.

"I am Captain Percy Freeman," the new voice continued, not caring about what the news anchors thought, "formerly of the United States Marine Corps. I'm afraid that I bring troubling news; the rumors of an undead army in Vietnam are all too true. A space-craft, carrying alien life forms, crashed in the Vietnamese jungle some years ago. They were the start of this epidemic."

A door crashed open, and someone shouted "Stop!"

"I'm afraid that will be quite unnecessary, and indeed, impossible," Percy continued. "The zombies, as you call them, are not alive by our standards. If you use nuclear weapons on them, they will just come back twice as strong. If you dismember them, bury them, burn them, they will return stronger. I am afraid that this world is doomed." An evil grin spread across his face. "And I will be in charge of it. Muhahahaha!"

[Space, near this elsewhere, same time]

"Commence primary ignition," Grand Moff Tarkin ordered. At last, the last of the Yuuzhan Vong abominations had nowhere to run, nowhere to hide...

The blue-green world vanished in a fiery blaze. Somewhere nearby, James T. Kirk of the Millennium Enterprise was bound for that same destination...

At least, he was bound for Earth before everything came to a screeching halt.

[On-Air Control Center]

"Damnit, Q, don't you even know how to handle a goddamn remote?" the author shouted. "Stupid know-it-all godlike beings..."

[I think this is the right one...]

Epilogue

My apologies to:

Sierra Studios (Half-Life)

The makers of the Heart of Evil mod, for the aforementioned game

Monty Python

Saban Entertainment (Power Rangers)

The makers of Voltron

James Cameron (the director, that is)

2600 Magazine

Britney Spears (huh? Why am I apologizing for that?)

Mattel Corporation

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (more easily remembered as insane morons... I mean Mormons)

Anyone named Chad

Robin Hood: Men in Tights

Toshiba Corporation

Douglas Adams

The NetHack DevTeam

[Then again, maybe not.]

"Jesus H. Christ on a fucking inflatable porcupine, will you get on with the story already?" Liet swore as he dodged through the rush-hour traffic on the 101, which was now especially jammed with people who wanted to see what had happened to the former Royal Palace.

"You'll get damned to Hell for cussing like that," Boyd reminded him before realizing which end of the improbability cannon was pointed where.

"Like Hell I will!" Liet shouted, ripping off the stupid red hood that he was somehow wearing, and leveling out the improbability cannon at Boyd. "Give up now or die, hatfucker."

Boyd looked nonplussed. "Can I point out that you're standing in the middle of a traffic lane?"

Liet looked down in horror, then to his right. His eyes widened...

And moments later, in an amazing deus ex machina, a hovercar came by at around 200 kilometers per hour and took Liet with it... or perhaps took him on its bumper.

Boyd knelt down and offered a quick prayer before running like hell.