Chapter Six: We Forgot The Title, But We'll Be Back To You Shortly After These Important Announcements From Our Sponsors
"JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACEN!"
A head suddenly popped up from behind a stack of spare flux capacitors and other miscellaneous parts. As Jacen's head emerged, it knocked a small guizinshou off the top of the pile, which slid down and managed to start a small avalanche of sorts. That is, it would be an avalanche if you replaced the snow with Gundam suit parts, Mr. Fusion units, leather whips, the Ark of the Covenant, ancient 8088 laptop computers, and so much other cruft that it would take up eighteen pages just to give it an overview. And that's not even going into descriptions of the cruft in question.
Well, suffice it to say that Jacen's head popped up from beneath a monumental pile of junk. "What?"
Tenel Ka, standing on the other side of the room, simply glared indignantly at her husband. Although they were technically still married, for some reason both appeared the same way they had when they were 14, and she was wearing a rather garish (and skimpy) neon green trimmed sailor or schoolgirl uniform that Jacen had never seen the likes of before.
Maybe that was just as well, considering how pissed Tenel Ka seemed to be.
"Would you care to explain why I'm suddenly wearing this useless thing?"
Jacen shrugged, starting another minor avalanche. "Beats me. It's not like it reveals much more than your usual lizardskin getup."
Her face nearly went as red as her hair, and she started to lunge before something tackled her... leg. Feeling a curious sensation, she glanced down and noticed a one-armed, partly robotic fox trying desperately to hump her shoe. Her rage suddenly found a new channel, and within seconds the fox found itself floating in front of her, gasping for breath.
"So now what? Our author's gone furry?" she asked no-one in particular.
"I-f I... can... explain..." the fox gasped.
"Sure you can." The fox suddenly found itself making like a football as it sailed through a plate glass window and down the next eleven stories. A vaguely fox-like pit suddenly appeared in the ground below. "Now where were we?"
"I think you were about to lynch me for some reason that I have no clue about," Jacen replied.
"Oh. That. Thanks." Tenel Ka resumed her stately lunge toward the pile of junk. However, she stopped again when badly-done kung fu cries, mixed with Japanese curses, began coming from the corridor outside the room, and looked quizzically at Jacen. "Didn't Voltron already take care of the Power Rangers?"
"Thought so." Jacen extricated himself from the pile and made his way to the door, then opened it. "WILL YOU SHUT UP ALREADY?" The Renegade Rangers, as well as the Sailor Senshi, suddenly looked very embarassed and began apologizing profusely before leaving the area. But Jacen took a second glance before he closed the door. "Hey, those Japanese girls out there are wearing the same thing you're wearing..." He opened the door again. "And one of them... the one wearing green... well... she-"
The sound that followed that remark is rather impossible to describe. Think of the sound an elephant makes when it farts. Add in an exploding planet, the drone of a B-29, and the sound that Jerry Falwell makes when his bullshit reaches critical density, and you might have a rough approximation. Its effects, however, are at least easier to describe. Put simply, Jacen found himself pinned to the floor, or rather pinned into the floor.
"What, was it something I said?"
The Dathomirian and sometime Hapan princess grinned, strange and dangerous forces playing across her face. "You bet it was." She lunged at him, locking her lips to his as if the their heads had been stuck in a Vise-Grip(TM). The couple rolled back, Jacen grunting as he was wrenched out of his Jacen-shaped hole in the floor, and became rather tangled. Gradually, although they were losing several items of clothing, they stood up and wound up falling onto the nearby bed in a somewhat disorganized heap, lips still locked. Clothing continued to come off and go every which way, exposing-
[We interrupt this scene to remind you that this fanfic does not have a rating, and as such the editing staff does not give a flying Gundark shit as to what is in it. However, the thought police have decreed that the following scenes shall not be shown. Sig Heil!]
-anyway, after the missing scenes, Tenel Ka disengaged her lips from Jacen's. Both drew in deep breaths of air (although they had been breathing the whole time, the nasal passages just aren't enough sometimes) and laughed.
Jacen rolled over on the bed so that Tenel Ka was lying on top of him. "So are you still angry with me?"
Tenel Ka looked at him strangely. "Yes," she deadpanned, then broke out into more laughter before locking lips with him again. They rolled about-
[The following scenes are left as an exercise for the reader's imagination.]
-and some time later fell onto the floor. Jacen shook his head, knocking off the light green miniskirt that had somehow found its way there. "Where was the story?"
There was a long pause, although not at all uncomfortable, before the Hapan princess replied. "I don't know."
Jacen shrugged, moving his hands around his wife's shoulders-
[We're not trying to censor this fic. Really.
*sound of a pin dropping*
... oh bollocks, they're on to us. All hands, abandon ship.]
GENERIC FUNDIE MOTHER: (Infuriated) I knew it! The author is trying to pollute the morals of our youths by portraying acts of fornication between two fictional characters! Burn the heathen!
GENERIC FUNDIE MOTHER 2: (Very Infuriated) Besides, in the beginning of this part of the story the author mentions how the characters are only 14! How can they be married if they're that age? And I'll bet it wasn't even a proper church wedding. Probably some fly-by-night wedding chapel in Las Vegas...
JACEN: (irritated) Look-
[JACEN is cut off by GENERIC FUNDIE MOTHER 2.]
GENERIC FUNDIE MOTHER 2: Now don't you talk to me in that tone of voice, young man. You're not even half my age. You probably believe that we evolved from apes, too. [GFM2 makes a big deal of spitting on the ground] Get behind me, Satan!
[TENEL KA walks up and looks GFM2 square in the face]
TENEL KA: You're just another hypocrite, not wanting to actually do what you believe. [She sniffs the air] Why does your breath smell salty, anyway?
GFM2: Why, the hussy-
TENEL KA: And I'll bet you spend most of your day sealed up in your bedroom, your only company a little piece of plastic. You were probably so abused as a child that you can't even get a single orgasm.
GFM2: (offended) I'll show you, you little upstart! [GFM2 dashes off to her CAR and comes back with a BRASS DILDO. Much to the horror of GFM1 (and GFM2's CHILDREN), she begins pleasuring herself with it in full view of everyone.]
TENEL KA: All too easy. [she WALKS AWAY, hitting the IDIOM-
-switch on her way back to the room. Jacen broke out into laughter. "I can't believe you just did that."
She shot him a hungry look. "You'd better believe it." The two locked lips again, walking back to their room. When they got there, the holoscreen was on for some reason...
[03:14] crayz9000: But I like thin ice :)
[03:14] astrid Yup, ice is getting thinner by the moment ;)
[03:14] crayz9000: *dons wetsuit*
[03:14] astrid: Ice is crackin'...
[03:14] crayz9000: *runs like hell*
[03:14] astrid: *SPLASH*
[03:15] crayz9000: Oooh, a shark. Can I pet him? Please? Pretty please?
[03:15] astrid: LOL
[03:16] astrid: Well, you can certainly try petting him, but...
[03:16] crayz9000: No! Bad shark! No! Sharky let go of my arm!
[03:16] astrid: Uh oh..I'm seeing blood!
[03:17] astrid: Down Sharky, down!
[03:17] crayz9000: *commercial ends*
[03:17] astrid: *claps*
[03:17] crayz9000: And that, kids, is an example of late-night humor.
[03:18] astrid: And we'll be back to you after this brief commerical break...annndd...*repeat*...*cackles*...I dont even know what I am typing anymore :D
[03:18] crayz9000: lololol
[03:18] astrid: heheheheheheheh
[03:18] crayz9000: Now pardon me while I go remove this piranha from my thumb...
[03:18] crayz9000: (What do you mean, we're on air?)
"Who turned it to the lamer channel?" Jacen asked when they'd disengaged again. "O-M-G, I'm so like L-O-L! Ha-ha. Lemme find something that's not quite as clichéd."
Tenel Ka snatched the remote control from him. "Let me help you." She switched the holoscreen off, and the two dove into the bed.
[A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far-
"You dolt," an editor muttered, deep in his lair near the Mohorovic discontinuity. "From that perspective, it should be a long time in the future, in a galaxy that they shouldn't even know exists yet..."
At that point, the author realized the benefits of sleep, and decided to give into his body's urges.