Chapter Seven: There is no Seven. No, I mean there is no six.

NARRATOR: (tired) Oh just get on with it already.

ANNOUNCER: Well, if there is no six, then what was the chapter before this one?

NARRATOR: Five point five?

ANNOUNCER: That's impossible. You can't have fractions of a chapter.

[the NARRATOR holds up a printed chapter that has been cut to ribbons]

[there is a LONG PAUSE]

ANNOUNCER: You have a point. Well, anyway, what happened to the previous WHOLE chapter if there is no six?

[NARRATOR flips through the script]

NARRATOR: (absorbed) It's here.

ANNOUNCER: What is there?

NARRATOR: The chapter that's between Five and Seven.

[a SHOTGUN BLAST rings out]

[UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE]

AUTHOR: Um, we're currently accepting resumes for narrator and announcer at the front desk. Full life insurance coverage and benefits. [AUTHOR ducks out]

UNNAMED STAFF: We have a front desk?

[a TRUCK drives up. There is the sound of something heavy being dropped... on someone. SCREAMING follows.]

VOICE: (offscreen) UPS. Synchronizing the world of commerce.

[TRUCK drives off]

[Scene change. We hear swords clanging. Cries of "At 'em!" and "You bastard!" are flying fast and free.]

[FADE IN: A wooded field on Naboo.]

[We see a tired LIET half walking, half skipping through the field. For some reason, there is a GUNGAN following him, clopping two coconut halves together. The GUNGAN carries a pack with a garish flag stuck from the top of it. LIET only carries his IMPROBABILITY GUN. In the distance, a KNIGHT in black duranium armour finishes off yet another weak opponent.]

KNIGHT: Halt. Who dares intrude upon the realm of GUARDIAN 2000?

LIET: Hatfucker. [He GESTURES-

"I need to do something about that goddamned Idiom switch, like maybe take it away from the author," Liet finished. "Now, where were we?"

The Black Knight struck a menacing pose, towering over Liet in his matte black armour. Blood stains cover the armour, and the field is littered with corpses. Then, a voice boomed from beneath the helmet. "Halt. Who dares intrude upon the realm of GUARDIAN 2000?"

Liet smirked. "I have no quarrel with you. I merely seek to pass through here to Theed, so I may seek my revenge upon that whom they call Boyd." His gaze darkened. "But if you get in my way, you asshat, you're gonna regret it."

The knight remains unmoved. "I can prove to you that the so-called 'neutronium' you use is clearly inferior to Star Trek neutronium. You shall not pass, Warsie scum."

At that, Liet's mouth half-opened, and after staring at the knight for several seconds, he burst out laughing. "You? Stop me? You have to be kidding."

"Nonetheless, that is what I shall do," the black knight replied as he took out a piece of paper and began scribbling on it. Then he folded it up into a paper airplane and threw it at Liet. It got stuck in the latter's bizarre hairdo.

"You... hatfucker. Nobody messes with my hair!" Liet pulled the plane out of his hair and unfolded it. After reading it for all of five seconds, he promptly scribbled out a reply on the back side of it, loaded it into his Improbability Cannon (don't ask), aimed the cannon at Guardian 2000, and fired. A beam of pure logic suddenly lanced through DarkStar's left shoulder, severing the limb cleanly. "There, you happy? I've disproven your ludicrous claim. Now stand aside and let me pass."

"What are you talking about?" Guardian 2000 replied indignantly. "You haven't disproven anything. According to George Lucas, the Expanded Univ-"

Another shot from the Improbability Cannon lanced through DarkStar's other shoulder, turning that limb into a frilly pink egg-beater. It whirred menacingly several times.

"Lucasfilm's canon policy is very clear," Liet stated, his teeth gritted. "Your silly word games have no impact on what canon is, and besides, you have no arguments left! Now stand aside!"

"What do you mean, I have no arguments left?" The egg beater whirred menacingly. "You can't prove that the Death Star destroyed Alderaan by just dumping 1E38 joules into it! My Reverse Genesis Effect theory shows that to be false!" Somehow, Guardian 2000 managed to produce a handful of pictures of Alderaan exploding (despite the fact that he only had one eggbeater for an arm). He nodded at the pictures. "Observe the bands of brightness that prove my theorem!"

Liet squinted at the blurry printouts. "Are you hallucinating? There aren't any bands of brightness anywhere..."

"Liar!" DarkStar turned around and shouted to the woods. "Observe how he refuses to see obvious evidence!"

Sighing, Liet fired the Improbability Cannon again. One of the Black Knight's legs mysteriously disappeared, only to re-appear attached permanently to his ass. Boot-first (you couldn't even see the tip). "I SAID," Liet emphasized, "stand aside!"

"Never!" DarkStar insisted, hopping on his one foot to maintain balance. He charged toward Liet, bouncing off him. "Chicken! Chicken! You don't want to debate me!"

"Right, then I'll have your other leg!" Liet leveled out the Improbability Cannon again, and Guardian 2000's remaining leg was replaced with an egg (small typographical error, the typist was promptly shot). Anyway, the egg splatted all over as DarkStar landed on the ground.

"I'll get you for that!" Guardian 2000 nearly screamed. "And you still haven't provided evidence of your DET theorem! Principle of Parsimony says my theory is superior!"

Liet rolled his eyes. Would this nut never give up? He beckoned to the Gungan. "Come, Patsy." The two of them rode (Walked, sir) off into the distance.

Far behind them, they could just barely hear DarkStar screaming "You yellow bastards!" followed by a loud, very off-key singing of "La la la la"...