This chapter may be a bit of a bummer, but fear not Loki isn't too far gone...
Chapter 5
The Loneliest Girl
There were not many things Ellie missed about New York City. She did not miss the smokers and the stinging sensation that flew up her nose whenever she entered an overstuffed coffee bar. She did not miss the towering towers that blocked out the sun and the moon and the stars. She did not miss her home, one so pristine and perfected that it was flooded with doldrums.
What she did miss was the cold of a sturdy winter. She missed billows of snow and foot prints heavy on the icy sidewalks. She missed being able to see her own smoky breath leave her lips and slip into the sky. She missed tucking into a large trench coat, stuffing her hands deep into the pockets, and walking down a quiet backstreet.
In California, winter was more of a state of depression. The sun would come and go as it pleased, looming in one day and hiding behind smoggy clouds the very next. Winds slunk through the valley, none o harsh, none bringing the frosty bite of winter.
It was as if, in the Golden state, seasons ceased to exist.
Even on a blustery day such as this, the chill in the air wasn't enough to shake her bones.
Ellie sat on a rock at the peak of Arroyo Ridge, her unwashed, unkempt auburn hair flying about her. Harrison rested in her lap, his large pink tongue lolling about as he panted wildly.
Ellie ran her hand through Harrison's thick fur, gazing over the hillside into the bland gray mess of a sky.
Just what sort of winter is this? She thought forlornly.
Her ears perked at the sound of the creek that rushed past only a few feet away. Harrison huffed unimpressed by his mistress's anxiety. The beast heaved a sigh and plunked his down in her lap, the weight of his head cause enough for her turn away.
That's where I found...him..her...it
It had not occurred to Ellie to check the gender of the sad little cat she had found almost a month before. Now that he/she/it had left her, she found herself wondering why.
Why had the little creature left? Ellie had thought she was starting to warm up to the cat. And visa-versa. She had woken up in the mornings to find the cat curled into a tight ball on her bed. Sometimes he slept in the crook of her knees. Other times he rested at the small of her back. On morning the very morning of the day before he disappeared, Ellie had awoken to find him stretched out on her pillow, just above her head.
And while he still kept to his spot on the window sill, the cat would always hop down while she was eating and watch her. Waiting patiently for her to finish the meal she had made, he would take his turn after her; cleaning her plate or bowl and snacking on her leftover scraps.
And now he's gone.
A dull sadness was thrumming in her chest. Still she found it silly how worked up she was getting over a cat.
I never planned on having another pet. All I need is Harrison.
Even as she thought it, as much as she wished it were true, Ellie could feel the black stain of lies surge inside of her.
As much as I hated that little priss...I did enjoy his company.
A particularly chilling wind, one that reminded her achingly of home, flew past her. She tucked her scarf tighter around her neck and clung to Harrison.
Don't act a child, Ellie. She thought, distraught turning quickly to self-hatred. It's just a cat. An animal. Like Harrison. They can't understand you, they can't...
Ellie heaved a great sigh, her shoulders and chest rising and falling in one fluid motion.
That cat was more though...he acted like a little human. I swear it. A little bastard of a human, but...still...
Ever since she had discovered that her new little tenant had run for the hills, a terrible thought was growing in the back of her mind. The thought, one that had burrowed itself deep inside of her many, many years before, was calling to her now.
She choked on her breath, burying her face into Harrison's thick fur. The dog, knowing of his mistress's grief, whimpered as if to comfort her.
"Dammit, Harrison." She muttered, her words swallowed by fur and her own frustration.
Stretching her head to the sky she stared into the gray abyss above her. Clouds swirled and whirled above at impossible speeds. Away from her...just like everyone and everything else.
Ellie had never been any good at making friends. She could fake a smile and a laugh with the best of them, but forming a true connection with someone, with anyone, was an ability that alluded her.
Corinne was not a friend. Corinne was an acquaintance. It was no skin off Ellie's teeth, both woman and joined together for similar reasons. It was a relationship that they could both gain success from. Ellie put up with Corinne's detestable habits and graining "advice," just as well as Corinne ignored Ellie's obvious contempt and slew of differences.
It's pathetic really. Corinne is about as close as I'll ever get to a friend...a person to rely on.
Ellie shuddered at the very idea. She had no one to rely on. Her parents saw her only as the second best, a permanent disappointment, a failure. Her sister Catherine, when she chose to see Ellie at all, saw only a broken doll she could fix. Catherine loved to fix the broken people, it was all she thought to do.
I don't think I'm broken. Ellie thought. She reached for a lonely twig on the dusty earth floor and began to trace lines onto the surface.
I'm not broken...I'm just...
"So..." she whispered allowed. She couldn't do it. Say it aloud. If she said it aloud then it would be realized, it wouldn't just be a passing thought or whim. It would be real, tangible, irreversible. However, that did not mean she could go without thinking it. Thoughts, as powerful as they could be, were nothing compared to the spoken word. Thoughts were flighty. Thoughts were silent.
I'm just so alone...
"Roy is thrilled to meet you, El. Positively thrilled." Corinne gushed on the phone.
Ellie sipped at her tea, taste buds numb to the spice and orange that flowed into her mouth.
"That's good." She finally said.
She could hear Corinne's uncouth snort echo on the other line. "It's more than good. The thing about Roy is...well, he's a bit of a lay around. A bodacious lay around with a voice like a Da Vinci masterpiece, but a lay around none the less."
Ellie wasn't entirely sure why Corinne was diverging this information but she listened anyway.
I should be excited. Gleeful, anxious, over the moon...
Ellie hated that she was full of self-hate. It was the sort of down low hate that made her chest shudder and caused tears to well in her dark eyes. She was depressed. And she hated that. And hate, more than anything else, made her depressed.
It's a fucking viscous cycle. From hell.
That morning she had called into the restaurant complaining of a cold and a nasal fiasco. When her alarm had gone a-buzzing in the wee hours of the morning, Ellie had decided to channel all of the blue clouding her mind into writing. Instead, she spent the morning scuffling around her apartment with a cup of tea and prepackaged mint cookies, stewing in a pressure cooker of shitty emotions.
And then Corinne called.
"Anyway, you'll be meeting him tonight. You know that French-ish bar? Its only about four blocks away from your place. The one with the tacky old sign, in between Riley's Flower shop and the, er, something boutique?"
"El Fin?" Ellie recalled. It was a sweet little bar, the only one in the Southern California area that Ellie could stand. Always over crowded, El Fin, was the sort of place writers, damn good writers, would flock to. Ellie had been once or twice, never feeling terribly comfortable in spaces cramped and filled with gabbing people.
"Yeah, El Fin. Roy likes the place I guess, he suggested it. Who knows why...Be there 10 o' clock sharp. Sharp, you hear me?"
"10 o' clock?" Ellie repeated flabbergasted. "Isn't that a little late for a...business meeting?"
There was a static marred silence on the other line. And then Corinne laughed.
"Oh, Ellie! My little naiveté." And then she hung up.
Ellie pulled her phone away from her ear and glared at it.
She scoffed. "I am not a...naiveté."
"Damn it! Curses! Crap on a cracker!" Ellie yelped, throwing yet another dress into an ever growing pile on her floor. She huffed and collapsed onto her bed, waking a dozing Harrison. He snorted indignantly, glaring over his large shoulder.
"Sorry, bud." Ellie said. "I just...I don't know what to wear..."
Harrison didn't seem exactly empathetic. Ellie could have sworn he rolled his eyes.
"Oh, what do you know? You're a dog. A male dog. You have no idea..." Ellie snapped.
This is stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I hate this. I won't go. I'll call and say I was sick. I did it once today, I could do it again.
She hesitantly returned to her crammed closet, digging into the fold of her clothes looking for something to wear. She wore only a towel. Her hair, which was just about dry, clung to the flesh of her neck.
Up until this moment she was feeling confident about her meeting with Roy Humphries. What exactly would she have to fear, anyway?
It wasn't until she had glanced at her phone after her shower that things had once again gone sour.
(4 )New Text Messages.
Corinne.
I almost forget to say...Be sure to dress nicely.
Corinne
I mean, you know, not how you normally dress
Corinne
You have to impress the guy.
Corinne
No flowery dresses, okay? Be a grown up.
A flurry of thoughts popped into Ellie's mind when she read the notes.
I am a grown up. I'm almost twenty four.
What's wrong with flowers?
I have to wear a dress?
Dress nicely? Nicely? Of course I'll dress nicely.
Does she think I'm not impressive? That I'm depressive?
Come on, Ellie, you ate an entire box of cookies in one hour
You even watched an entire episode of Real Housewives
And today was your first time showering in three days
You are the poster child for depressing...
Ellie didn't feel like dressing up on this day. She didn't feel like bothering to paint her face up with foundation and such. She didn't feel like walking for blocks, only to order the cheapest drink on the menu and then chatter on with a lay-about.
Crying out in frustration once more, she stamped her foot like a defiant child.
"Good god, get a grip!" She seethed, reprimanding herself. She rested her chin in her palm and stared hard into her closet. There had to be something in there, she could wear.
"Oh, screw it. I'm not wearing a dress."
She pulled a pair of slim black jeans from her closet, along with a cobalt high collared, sleeveless blouse that accentuated what little cleavage she had been blessed with. After struggling her way into the tight fitting jeans and donning the top, she searched for a jacket to wear. In the end she decided on a navy-black tweed trench that had been a gift from her Aunt Luella. She grabbed the only pair of heels she owned. They were of medium height, black with a silver toe and a silver mary-jane straps.
Glancing in the slim mirror that hung on the inside of her closet door, Ellie evaluated herself.
Good enough. She thought to exasperated to put any more effort into concocting a "look."
She hurried into her bathroom. Applying a light brush of foundation, a sweep of black mascara, and tomato red lipstick, Ellie was done preparing herself.
Rrrring! Rrrring! Rrring! It was her doorbell.
"Not again!" Ellie whined. And she had thought the ghost was gone. She, of course, wasn't expecting any callers. It could be Corinne, coming to check up on me...
Actually, I would prefer the ghost...
Running over to the door, intent on stopping the shrill ringing, Ellie almost tripped over her own feet.
When was the last time I walked in heels? She thought. I suppose it's good I'm walking...I'll save gas and I'll practice walking like a normal human being. Not some fish out of water.
She pulled the door open and leaned out to inspect the doorbell. But, as soon as her eyes fell upon it...the ringing stopped.
Ellie huffed. Night had already fallen. And she would be late if she didn't leave soon. She moved to shut the door. All she needed to do was find a scarf and grab her purse and then she could leave.
What on...?
Sitting innocently on the welcome mat was a small bouquet of wild flowers. Ellie leaned down to pick them up. They were tied tightly with a emerald green ribbon, a small tag attached. Written in intricate black scrawl were the words: Remember Me, Darling Elizabeth.
Remember? Elizabeth thought, a pleasant heat rising in her cheeks. Remember who?
Sorry it took me so long to update. I actually drove out to Vegas for the weekend with the fam to see Beatles Love, so I couldn't write (there's nothing terribly inspiring about Vegas...) and I didn't have a computer. So here's two chapters again!
I love you all and your reviews. Keep them coming! ;0)