Disclaimer: I do not own Bones, but I am obsessed!

Author's Note: So, I've tried to alternate the more light-hearted stories with the ones that had a little more heft to them. It's time for one that is a little heavier. This one brings us back to DitP, and is nothing but angst. Look at this word; toska and angst go hand in hand, sorry, I had to go there.

Chapter Fourteen: Toska

Toska: Russian – Vladimir Nabokov describes it best: "No single word in English renders all the shades of toska. At its deepest and most painful, it is a sensation of great spiritual anguish, often without any specific cause. At less morbid levels it is a dull ache of the soul, a longing with nothing to long for, a sick pining, a vague restlessness, mental throes, yearning. In particular cases it may be the desire for somebody of something specific, nostalgia, love-sickness. At the lowest level it grades into ennui, boredom."

Brennan stared at the envelope in her hands. She willed the hands that held said envelope to stop shaking. She needed more time. She had another four hours and thirteen minutes before her brain would have had time to adjust. She shook her head. Logically, she knew that it wouldn't take exactly 72 hours to have adjusted to the fact that she had missed her chance with Booth. But the set time frame had given her a sense of control over her feelings, an ability to master her emotions temporarily.

She had been doing well. She was still sad, and still spending too many hours in the lab, working in limbo and avoiding talking to her colleagues. She knew that she would recover eventually. Brennan decided to sort through her mail before leaving the office, wanting to start fresh in the morning. She flipped through flyers for lectures being offered at the Jeffersonian, memos from colleagues, a save-the-date card for an upcoming fundraiser, and an invitation to join a dig.

It was the offer that had her practically vibrating over her desk. She received such invitations often, e-mailed or phoned in, occasionally hand-written. She used to accept so many more such invites, before she had become Booth's partner. She had continued to travel and consult after meeting Booth, but she had spent far more time anchored to DC than she had in the past.

Looking over the paper again, Brennan sighed. This wasn't even the first invitation since returning from the Maluku project. This paper, however, was the first invitation that she had received after telling Booth that she had made a mistake, that she had missed her chance.

She read over the invite for a third time. It was a good opportunity, a limited consultation engagement in a relatively safe location. There would be sunshine and ancient remains, and a chance to finish her adjustment period. She would be back months before Angela's baby would arrive, she could give Booth a chance to settle into his relationship with Hannah without obligations to his emotionally fragile partner. She could return strong and whole and happy to be alone.

She told Angela that she had always expected to be alone, and that she was living the life that she expected. She didn't want to be alone anymore, but there was only one person that she wanted to not be alone with. And he had made his choice. She would adjust, she would. She was strong, it was time to move on. Brennan dropped the letter on the desk and began to gather her things. She would think about the offer over the weekend and make her decision on Monday.

Brennan grabbed her jacket and hastily put it on. Maybe she would join Angela and Hodgins, they had likely already eaten dinner, but she would be welcome to join them for dessert or some non-alcoholic drinks. A distraction would be good, and she knew that by asking about the baby, she could successfully avoid talking about herself. She really wasn't alone, she was not Lauren Eames. And she was going to prove it.

She was nearly out the door when a whistling Booth entered the office. It was painfully obvious even to Brennan that he was trying too hard to act normal. They had talked on the phone briefly the day before, but they seemed to allowing each other the privacy and space that was needed in order to adjust. He forced a smile on his face and tapped a file against one hand.

"Hey, Bones. I have the paperwork on the Eames case. Just need your John Hancock on a few papers, and we can wrap this up."

Brennan nodded. "Yes, would you mind setting them on the desk? I will sign them later and bring them back to you."

Booth let out another low whistle. "Dr. Brennan, leaving paperwork unsigned on a Friday night so that she can leave the Jeffersonian at a reasonable hour? Did I step into an alternate universe? Am I Bizarro Booth?"

Brennan glanced at her watch and then rubbed her temple. "I don't know what that means, but it's 8:30. It was a long week, and I'm tired. Please, just set the file on my desk. I will take care of it first thing Monday morning."

Booth dipped his head. "Sure, Bones. No problem." He slid past his partner and set the file on the desk, the slightly wrinkled sheet of paper catching his eye. He attempted to read it upside-down, while talking to his partner. "So... you doing OK?" They both knew that he was referring to their night in the SUV, and she didn't quite know what to say.

"I'm adjusting."

Booth was still distracted by the letter as he attempted to finish the paragraph that he had started. "Good, that's good, Bones."

Brennan turned slightly toward the door. Now she just wanted to go home and attempt to sleep. She really was exhausted. "Yes, I'll be fine. Good night, Booth. Please close the door on the way out."

His voice called out to her. "When do you leave?"

Brennan halted her steps. "Excuse me?"

Booth held up the paper. "They asked you to consult?"

"Oh, I hadn't made a decision yet. It may be easier if I go, you know with everything that has happened this past week. And, I would only be gone a few weeks, a month at most. I have no desire to be absent from the lab for a longer amount of time."

"Right, can't miss out on baby Hodgela."

Brennan wrinkled her nose, "Hodgela?"

"Nevermind, Bones. You're right, it's late, and you're exhausted. Go home, get some sleep. Have a good night." Booth set the paper down on the desk on top of the file folder that he had already dropped.

"Yes, good night, Booth." She glanced at her partner. He was leaning on her desk, both hands supporting his weight. She wanted to say something to him. He was clearly in need of comfort, but she didn't know what would be appropriate. They were both hurting and confused. She bit her lip and once again started walking towards the office door.

Booth's shaky voice stopped Brennan in her tracks. "Don't go."

"Excuse me?"

"I don't want you to leave again. Please, don't go, Temperance."

Brennan sighed and remained frozen. She couldn't face him, the look in his eyes that she knew would be there. She took one more step toward the door before she felt him tug on her arm. She whirled around and was face to chest with her partner.

They stood in silence, unable to meet the others gaze. Finally, Brennan felt the gentle pressure of his finger under her chin, tilting her head up. Their eyes finally met and Booth couldn't help himself as he tilted his own head down. A breath away from their lips connecting, Brennan found her voice. Her hand came up to his chest and pushed him away from her. He staggered back a step and looked at her with confusion.

"Don't Booth. We can't. I don't want you to compromise your beliefs. This isn't who you are."

Booth nodded, he wasn't free to kiss her, they would both regret it if they did. But for a fleeting moment, it was the only thing he wanted. "How did we get here, Bones? What happened to us?"

She had no answer for him, but Booth didn't have an answer either. He took another step back from the anthropologist, trying to regain his composure. With Booth's retreat, Brennan adjusted the belt on her jacket and finally decided to exit her office. She paused at the doorway, leaning one hand against the jamb.

Her voice was so quiet, that if it weren't for the utter silence of the lab, he wouldn't have heard her. "I'll stay, Booth. I'll stay."

Brennan released her hand and walked out the door, while Booth exhaled heavily. He sank into her couch and sat immobile, outlasting the sensors that automatically turned off her lights when there was no movement in the room. He continued to sit in the dark, attempting to make out the outline of his hands in the dim room. The silence was finally broken by the vibration of his phone. The smiling face of Hannah lit up his screen and he blinked against the brightness.

Booth stood and answered his phone, the lights of the office turning on at the motion. He pressed a button and tried to inject his usual tone into the phone call. "Yeah, I'm on my way home. I'll see you soon."

Booth passed by Brennan's desk on the way out the door and debated crumpling the invitation and throwing it in the garbage. He restrained himself and exited the office, closing the door behind him.

He apparently still had some adjusting of his own to do.