Part 2: The End of a Beautiful Love

I lay in bed, exhausted even after ten hours of sleep after the birth. I had not seen Torn since he disappeared. My head was foggy from the drugs I was given, but they had made the pain subside. The door to my bedroom opened. Lor came through, holding a tray, made of silver with a matching cup perched on it. I smiled.

"Kat really does know me," I said. "I sent her for food and she sends it with a handsome General."

He smiled and shut the door with his leg. He came over and placed the tray in my lap.

"Cheeseburger and potato wedges, just like you asked," he said. I took one of the wedges off the plate and popped it in my mouth. The warm, salty goodness filled my mouth.

"And water with a bendy straw, of course."

"You're a god among men," I said. "I would think you would have so many important duties to worry about, and here you are, taking care of little old me."

"I have all the time in the world for my Queen," he said. "And my bowel movements are none of your concern, madam."

I burst out into laughter.

"Duty. Doody. Get it?" He said.

"I sure do," I smiled.

"If you need anything else, just yell," he said. "And you berate and belittle me all you like, given what you've been through the last couple of days."

"I'm quite fine, working slave. I'll summon your bitch ass if I can think of anything."

"Getting the hang of it, I see. Well, I'll check back up on you later."

"Wait," I said. I grabbed his arm.

"What's with the frown, suddenly? What is it?"

"Come here," I pulled him to his knees right next to me. I leaned in close to him.

"Lor?" I said.

"At your service, madam?"

"Why do you like me?"

He looked at me directly, his eyes almost sparkling.

"What's not to like?"

I leaned my head on his, and without thinking, my lips collided with his. They were big and soft, but still firm. I felt a rush fill my veins and fill my body. We parted momentarily only to pull together again. But suddenly, I heard footsteps come down the hall. We stopped immediately. He got up and straightened himself up, and I leaned back onto the pillows. The door opened. Torn came through the entryway, carefully carrying a bundle in his arms. Soft coos and gurgling noises came from the squirming creature wrapped in the blankets.

"I will report to you later for further instruction, Madam," Lor said suddenly, walking towards the door. He cleared his throat abruptly and nodded at Torn.

"Your Grace," he said.

"General," Torn nodded in response.

Lor exited the room, closing the door behind him. Torn shuffled over to me slowly and then handed me the the bundle. I took it carefully in my arms, taking care to cradle the baby's head.

The baby's face was round and full, and his eyes were bright and green. He had a tuft of reddish hair crowning his head. He had my nose, I could tell.

"Hey there Janny," I said softly. "Welcome to the world."

"He was a whopper," Torn said. "A whole nine pounds, five ounces."

"No complications?" I asked.

"Not one," he said. "Despite everything, he's a sturdy young lad."

I continued to stroke his hair and nuzzle him softly. I got a whiff of the rumored "new baby smell"; it was as enchanting as I'd heard.

"What a little heartbreaker," I said. "So adorable. Samos and my mother need to see him."

"They already have," he said. "They came down to the nursery to visit while you were resting."

"Oh," I said. I had wanted to be there for the first glimpse everyone took. I was the very last to see him.

"Next time, I get first dibs," I said. "If I have to carry it, I get to see everyone's reactions."

"So, you haven't changed your mind then?" Torn asked.

"About what?"

"Breastfeeding. You're not going to nurse him yourself?"

"Well, it definitely wouldn't be a good idea now," I said. "I'm pumped full of narcotics for the pain. Having your hoo-hoo stitched up kinda hurts, ya know?"

"Hmph," he grumbled.

"What?"

"Nothing," he said. "I need to take him back down to get checked up and fed."

"He looks fine, I don't think he's hungry," I said. "You can't wait an hour or two? I haven't gotten to spend any time with him, and I'm on bedrest for the next couple of days so I can't go down there."

"He's probably tired, though."

"I have arms. I can hold him while he sleeps."

"Janovah, give him to me."

"What's wrong?" I said. His apprehension was bothering me greatly. "Just because I don't want him biting on my nipples doesn't mean I'm gonna eat him or anything."

"You're not in any condition to doing this right now, so please just give him to me."

I sighed. I didn't want another argument. So I handed him slowly back to his father.

"Make sure you support the head," he said.

"I got it."

Torn took Janosikah back into his arms and headed out the door. I knew what he had meant by my "condition"; he had made it increasingly aware to me that he thought me to be emotionally unstable and that I was "different" than before. These jabs hurt me. I was very emotionally fit when anyone else would be a mess.

I crept down the hall, quietly. It was the middle of the night, and I was all alone. This was not something I was supposed to do, but I had to go alone. I targeted the door I wanted. I softly put my ear to the wood; I heard nothing, aside from soft shuffling. I rapped softly. I waited a moment, and the door cracked open. A blue eye peered at me from behind it.

"Janovah," Lor whispered. "What are you doing?"

"Let me in," I whispered back.

"Are you all alone?" he asked.

"Yeah."

"It's not safe for you to be creeping about at night like this."

"Well, you can escort me on the way back."

"You know there are people out there who want to hurt you."

"Yeah, yeah," I said. "Now as your sovereign, I command you to let me enter your quarters."

He opened the door wide and led me inside quickly. His apartment was small, but in a cozy sort of way. It was warm and dark, unlike my own room, which was wide and bright, constantly.

"What is it?" he asked.

"I wanted to talk to you about what happened a couple of weeks ago," I said. "In my room, while I was in bed."

"Oh," he sighed. "I apologize, it was out of line for me to take advantage of you like that."

"No," I said. "It was my idea. I kissed you first."

"I'm sure it was the drugs talking," he said. "I know you wouldn't commit infidelity of your volition."

I looked up straight into his eyes. They twinkled in the moonlight. I stepped closer, where I could barely feel his breath on my forehead.

"What if it wasn't?" I whispered. "What if I would?"

I touched his cheek with my fingertips, tracing down the plane to his lips. He seemed to shiver with the contact. I placed my hands on his shoulders and kissed him softly. The rush again filled me, making me tingle in every nerve. He took a step back, breathing, almost in panic.

"I can't do this," he said.

"Please," I begged. "I think I might be in love with you."

"And I reciprocate those feelings, in every way, believe me, I do," he said. "But I couldn't take advantage of your fragile condition."

"My condition?" I said, frustrated. "Has Torn told you anything about my 'condition'?"

"He may have mentioned it once or twice."

"It's true, I am unhappy," I said, tears filling my eyes. "But I wasn't unhappy until I married him. I'm not unhappy because I'm damaged or traumatized. I'm unhappy because he makes me unhappy. He doesn't trust me to hold my own child. He insists when I make a silly joke or do something that isn't serious that I'm covering up some kind of horrible secret pain. I'm not. It's who I am. It's who I am when I try to be happy."

"Give him time," he said. "Maybe he'll come around."

"He's forty," I insisted. "There's no coming around or changing for him. He knows what he wants and what he expects."

"I can't jeopardize your marriage," he said. "A marriage you worked so hard to build."

"There wasn't anything hard about it," I said. "I took the easy way out. I gained my credibility by choosing not to have my child out of wedlock instead of earning it. I could justify it by saying I'm setting a good moral example, but I'm not. I settled. My father, Jak, Mar, would not have let me settle. I want more."

I took his hands in mine. "I want you."

"It's impossible," he insisted. "Adultery would destroy your reputation, no matter how hard you worked to get it back."

"Nobody has to know."

"But we would know. No matter how unhappy he makes you now, you know there was once a time that he made you the happiest woman alive. You can't look in that beautiful child's face and deny that. He fought to protect you. You can't go behind his back and hurt him like that. You owe him more than that, Janovah. Even if he is a pompous jerk."

"But I don't want him anymore. I don't want this life I have. I want the life that makes me happy."

"You have to work to get the things you want," he said. "The easiest things in life to get are the things you don't really want that much.

"Okay," I sighed. "Then I have another idea."

"What is it?" he said.

"What if I got a divorce?"

"What?" he said, flabbergasted. "That's unheard of."

"No, it's not," I said. "Other monarchs have done it. My father divorced Ashlein. I'll give him whatever he wants. Money, housing, honor, split custody, just as long as he leaves."

"But would he leave?" he said. "You know the other party must agree to it in a royal divorce. It's traditional to make the split at least appear amicable. Torn is not the amicable sort of man. You're right, he knows what he wants. He wants you. And I'm sure he'll fight to his dying breath to keep you."

"What if he did?" I said. "What I got him to leave? Would you be with me?"

He sighed. "I suppose...I suppose if you got your divorce, my qualms would be null and void."

"Promise me," I said. "Promise me that if this works, you'll be with me."

"I promise."

I stepped forward and embraced him. He ran his hands through my hair as I rested my head on his shoulder.

"Just a taste," I said. "Just one night...please."

"I can't," he whispered.

I stepped back, the tears now overflowing and streaming down my face. Frustration at being denied the thing I wanted more than anything at that moment.

"As your Queen," I choked. "I'm commanding you to make love to me. Right now."

"No," he said. I could tell that denying me hurt him as well. "I must stick to my convictions."

I sighed and stepped quickly towards the door. I stepped out in a hurry, striding down the hall. I heard footsteps chasing me. He caught up to me, walking close.

"I can't let you go alone," he said. "You said I could walk you back."

"That I did."

"Listen," he said. "I told you. If the situations becomes right, I promised you we'd be together. And I swear that I will give you all the love making you want. Until you're sore."

I smiled slightly through the tears.

"And perhaps," he said. "I could see you round with my child."

"You just want to get me fat so I won't leave you too."

He laughed, a bright chuckle echoing down the hall.

I sat across from Samos, Lor, and Ret, the newly appointed secretary. This was our first official meeting as a functioning government.

"Madam," Ret began. "I have something for you. I think you will be pleased."

"Show it to me, Secretary. I love good news," I said.

He smiled and pulled a document from his breifcase. "Your first official legislative act as sovereign. The bill to abolish capital punishment and torture. I was told you were strongly opposed to it."

"They told you right," I said.

"I have spoken with my advisors and they've all approved it. Take a look at it."

He handed me the paper. It was printed on fine stationary in neat, fancy text. I read through the flowery language and found an organized system of jail sentences instead of death, and opportunities for clemency for those willing to change their ways. I was very pleased indeed.

"It's a fine piece of work," I said. "I'm happy to have this as my first law passed."

"Just sign at the bottom," he said.

"Give me that pen," I said. "I'll sign the hell out of it."

He handed me shiny, guilded pen with the emblem of my house on it. At the bottom, I signed my name with as many embellishments as I could add. It had to be a signature worthy of the bill.

"You need to sign it Janovah II. You're Janovah the second," he said. "Your great-great grandmother was th first. And put 'Queen Regnant' right below."

I signed as he said. I looked at the paper in my hands. I felt a sense of pride swell in me. I handed it back to him. He took the paper and laid it out in front of him. He reached over to a hot can inf front of him and poured a molten gold liquid onto the paper. Using a stamp, he pressed the seal of Mar into the wax.

"Aren't most seals red?" I asked.

"They are," he said. "We chose gold because of what people predict your rule to be."

"What's that?"

"They say it will be a golden age," he said. As the wax dried, he set the paper aside and folded his hands. He looked at me seriously.

"We do have some pressing matters to discuss," he said. "I have spoken with the Chancellor of the Exchequer and it would appear that we have no funds to speak of. We have been offered a substantial loan from the city-state of Franerik, but there's always interest involved in paying back that sort of debt. Accepting this loan could also hurt our alliance with Kras City. We need to funds to be able to rebuild the city. We have substantial property damage in both the private and government sectors. Our situation is also complicated by the fact that the economy is stagnate. Jobs are few and far between, and there's no money circulating."

"What kind of a threat is Kras City?" I asked. "If this made them so angry that they felt they should attack us, could we defend ourselves?"

"Absolutely," Lor said. "Kras is a corrupt place. It's run by gangs, not the actual government. Loyalties in their military are all over the place. They're lucky Franerik hasn't stamped them out. Although our military is wounded, it's still rather functional."

"This is what I propose, then," I said. "We accept the loan from Franerik, but we use as much of the money as possible to hire the working class to rebuild the city. We would need construction workers, architects, even white collar workers to manage things. It would supply them with income to breathe life into our economy and it would rebuild the wreckage."

"It's a gamble," he said. "But the results could be marvelous. I'm sure there are some who would be opposed, particularly those in favor of Democracy. However, I think it's an excellent plan."

"There's one more thing," I said. "I want to reduce the spending of my own household. As much as I can, as long as I can keep all my staff in my employ. I don't need a life of such excess."

"Indeed," he smiled. "A golden age."

"I had discussed this over brunch with Torn, and I think you'll like this idea," Samos started in. "I think it would be splendid if you distributed alms to the poor. It's a tradition of the Monarchs and with your own personal spending cuts, you could give them more than before. And the way they would see it, you're giving them the money from your own pocket."

"I love it," I said. "It's a great idea. I would love to bring happiness to my people."

"I will meet with the exchequer and draw up plans," he said. "That is all the business I have for today. I will call you back when I have the plans ready for you to approve."

"I look forward to it," I said.

Ret and Lor got up from their chairs. Ret bowed deeply and Lor smiled warmly. They exited the room quietly. Samos also got up to leave.

"Grandfather, wait," I said. "I have something else I need to ask you. Privately."

"What is it?" he asked. He sat down again.

"Please don't be angry with me for suggesting this, I have thought it over."

"What's the matter?"

"Is it possible I could obtain a divorce?"

He looked at me, and sighed. He didn't say anything. He just gave a long, deep sigh.

"It's not just because of our personal problems," I explained. "Though there are many. I feel he's trying to undermine me and every turn. He constantly questions my actions, and always argues with me about my 'condition' or my 'attitude'. He doesn't even trust me to hold the baby by myself. My own child. I know you tried to talk me out of it, but I wanted to do what was right, and live up to moral standards you set for me."

"This is my fault," he said. "All my fault. I was much too hard on you. I should have seen the potential you have and are living up to. I can agree that his behavior is unacceptable; even though he is your husband, you are still his Queen and he is bound to obey you. But it's only been a year. So I am asking you to wait, wait a little longer. I will speak with him and see if I can't help him understand that you are fit to hold the position that you do. Just give it more time, see if you can't rekindle the bond you once had."

"Okay," I conceded. "Talk to him. Maybe some outside perspective will repair this."

"And Janovah," he said. "If you decide to move forward with this, don't do it for the charms of another man. Don't do it to seek a marriage to another. Do it so you can be married to your people."

"And if I decide to move forward?"

"I'll help you in every way possible."

I sat, in my room, gazing into the night sky out of the window. It was getting cold outside once more. I enjoyed the fall. I loved to watch the end of one cycle of life and the segway into another. It seemed to fit my situation perfectly. Samos' words stuck with me, radiating through my head, buzzing in my ears: "Do it so you can be married to your people."

The door swung open with a gusto, hitting the wall with a loud bang. The door slammed shut. I didn't need to look to see who it was.

"You want a divorce?" Torn growled. I turned to see him, scowling, furious.

"I was merely thinking of it," I said, calmly. "I feel that if I can't make you understand how I am, and that I am okay, we will very soon reach the end of our relationship."

"Don't lie to me," he said. "Are you having an affair? Do you want to get rid of me so you can screw around with another man? Because I will not let that happen."

I got up and approached him. "How dare you question me?" I said. "You constantly imply that I'm not fit or that I'm not worthy to make my own decisions about my city or even about my life! I told you, I was thinking about it, and no, I am not having an affair."

"I see the way the General looks at you," he scathed. "He always finds himself alone with you, or you with him."

"He is my friend," I said, my anger growing. "He's a trusted companion who has always supported me with whatever choices I've made. Maybe you should take after your betters!"

"Shut your mouth!" he bellowed. "You're so selfish! So ungrateful!"

"I am your sovereign and you will not speak to me that way," I hissed. "Get out of my sight! I command you!"

"No!" He punched the wall. A boom echoed through the wall. "You belong to me and nobody else!"

"I belong to no one! I am not yours to own!"

There was a quick flash and strike. Pain erupted in my cheek. Tears spilled over my eyes, making wet, warm streaks down my face. He had hit me, slapped me. I looked back up at him; his eyes were wide with shock. He was breathing fast and shallow. I could tell that he couldn't believe what he had just done. My fingers began to tingle and twitch. I looked down to see my skin growing pale, and my nails darkening and growing longer. I knew what was about to happen.

"Leave. Now," I gasped.

"Janovah," he sighed.

"I SAID LEAVE!" The voice that screamed that was deep and primal. Streaks of purple energy radiated from my body, wrapping and twisting around me. He stood, stunned, terrified. One of the streaks twisted out from my chest, ricocheting around the room. It came back around in a circle and struck Torn on his arm. He yelped in pain, grabbing his arm. He leaped for the door, throwing it open with as much force as he could muster. He bounded down the hall, gasping, sobbing, desperately. I fell to the floor. My head felt full and heavy. The dark incarnation that had ruled my body in that moment began to ebb away. The feeling of intense, undulating energy in the core of my chest slowly evened out and disappeared. I could still hear his fearful wailing echoing in my ears.

I had won the fight, but at what cost?

I lay crumpled on the bed, exhausted. The room was dark, quiet. It reflected the hole I felt inside of me. It was a deep swallow in the core of my soul that no light could penetrate. The wedding vows I had taken just twelve months previous resonated soundlessly. "In darkness in prosperity." In darkness...There was no darkness like this I had ever encountered, and the love I swore to bear in this time had left me. It was a void filled only with hatred, resentment, and frustration. I came to realize that the marriage I was seeking to end had already dissolved; it had crumbled long before I made my decision, perished into nothing but sorrowful emptiness.

The door opened once more, but this time, softly. It closed with barely a sound. I felt weight fall and shift onto the bed. A quiet, raspy voice penetrated the perpetual silence.

"I know you didn't mean to hurt me," Torn said. "I pushed you. I hurt you first. I'm sorry."

"'Sorry' isn't enough anymore," I whispered.

"Do you still love me?" he said.

I sighed and closed my eyes. "No, I don't think I do."

"We can fix this," he pleaded. "We can go back to how it was. I can change."

"It's too late," I said. "What's been done cannot be undone. There's no going back."

"What am I supposed to do, then?"

"I want you to leave. No, I'm ordering you to leave," I said. "You can return periodically to visit our child, but you're going to leave my sight and never come back. I can't make you end the marriage legally, but in all other ways, as far as I'm concerned, it's over."

I heard him stifle a sniffle. I felt the weight leave the bed, and the door open and shut again. The gravity of what I had told him shattered me, but then it freed me. I was free from saying wrong or doing wrong. The taste was intoxicating.