The Twilight Saga...Abridged

Part 2 - New Moon

It was Bella's birthday. You'd think she'd be happy about it - but no! Why the hell would she be happy about her birthday? It just meant growing OLDER, while Edward stayed young and beautiful FOREVER!

The thought was UNTHINKABLE!

So the Cullens gave her a party, because gee, she said like fifty times SHE DIDN'T FRIGGIN' WANT ONE. And they got her all these presents and a cake and all that jazz. But, oh dear, when she was opening her presents, she got a PAPER CUT! Gasp! That's the equivalent of breaking a nail! THE HORROR!

Well, Jasper, Edward's "brother", wanted some of that tasty blood, but Edward was all like, "No way! She's my bitch!" So in the process, he made Bella bleed even more, and then the party was ruined.

Edward finally realized what a bonehead he was for dating such a bitchy, moody teenager. So he took her into the woods and told her that he was moving. Her first response to this was, "I wanna come, too!" Because, as we all know, heroines will gladly uproot from their families and friends to follow boys they hardly even know. But Edward wouldn't let her. It was too dangerous for her to be with him. And so, he ditched town with his family.

Bella, for the next six months, MOPED ABOUT IT. What else would she do? I mean, any normal person would just have a mourning period, then get back to their normal lives. Not Bella! She sulked and whined, and pretty much became even more trippy than she already was.

But, wait! Who's that in the distance? Why, it's our second male lead: Jacob Black! Yes, Jacob Black, Bella's childhood friend who's super buff and TWO YEARS YOUNGER THAN HER.

Bella, being the wonderful person she is, started hanging out with Jacob, and basically leading him on, because that's what all heroines do. But, oh no! Jacob had a terrible secret: he was a WEREWOLF!

What was with her and all these hot supernatural guys? Whatever, she didn't care! She just wanted Jacob to be her friend, but it was obvious Jacob wanted to be more by the way he ALMOST KISSED HER TWICE AND SHE ALLOWED HIM.

In the meantime, Bella found a way to keep "seeing" Edward: doing reckless things and imagining him appearing to stop her before she really hurt herself. So she pretty much went insane and went on a lot of near-suicide activities, including cliff diving. Isn't this a GREAT story for children?

Well, Edward found out about Bella's recklessness, and thought she had died. So he decided to go to the big, bad vampire government in Italy and have them kill him, because his existance wasn't complete without trippy little Bella Swan.

Alice, Edward's "sister", went and kidnapped - I mean, picked up - Bella and they went to Italy, where they met the big, bad vampire government. They were really pissed because humans weren't supposed to know about sparkly fairies - I mean, vampires. So they were gonna kill all the Cullens, but Alice, who, by the way, can see the FRIGGIN FUTURE, said "No! You can't! She'll become like us...as soon as we get around to it!"

So, like the idiots they are, the government let them go. The Cullens moved back as if nothing had happened, because really, NOTHING HAPPENED. And Bella and Edward went back to their trippy, screwed-up relationship.

THE END