The Twilight Saga...Abridged
Warning: strong language ahead
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.
Part 3 - Eclipse
Bella wanted more than anything to be a vampire. She didn't care that it would affect her dad, her "friends", or anyone else. She just cared about being with her god-like emo boyfriend for ever and ever and EVER. But Edward told her no; not yet. Bella also wanted to have sex with Edward, but Edward said no; not yet.
Jacob, because yes he's still in here, was all like, "What the hell, you bitch? I thought we had something! You should dump that motherfucker and come be with me! You wouldn't have to change for me, dammit!"
It was true; even though Jacob's temper was out of control and he could harm her at any time, Bella wouldn't have to change into a werewolf to be with whiny Jacob. But she loved them both; how could she pick JUST ONE?
Then, out of nowhere, a new enemy appeared. Her name was Victoria; she was the whore of the meany tracker vampire from the first part. And she was PISSED that her pimp had been murdered, so she wanted to kill Edward and Bella. And to help her, she bit a bunch of unsuspecting people and turned them into baby vampires, and they were batshit INSANE.
The Cullens knew they were screwed, so they decided, instead of letting Bella be eaten by the vampires, they would form a pact with the werewolves and protect her, even though they hated each other. Okay, sure; risk your lives AGAIN for some whiny bitchy girl. That makes sense!
So after a while, Bella still couldn't decide who the hell she wanted. So she let Jacob make out with her, but then she realized she wanted Edward. So Jacob was all like, "You're telling me this NOW? Motherfucker, you're such a bitch! Dammit, I hope your sorry ass gets eaten!"
No such luck, Jacob...Bella is a Mary-Sue, remember? Of course she can't die.
So Edward killed Victoria, and the werewolves and vampires whooped some newborn ass, and everything was safe again. Yippy-skippy. Whoo-hoo.
But the vampire government wasn't happy. They were all, like, "Cullens! You need to change Bella before we KILL YOU!" And the Cullens decided they needed to get a friggin' move on.
And Bella got engaged, because Edward was a little diva and wouldn't Do It or change her unless they were married. Even though he's 17 and she's 18...yeah, not sketchy or anything.
And poor Jacob was angry, as well. But no one cared about his feelings.
THE END