The Twilight Saga...Abridged

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Warning: More strong language/some sexual content ahead.

Disclaimer: I don't own this AT ALL.

Part 4: Breaking Dawn

Section 1: Bella

Bella and Edward were engaged. So that meant...Bella got a brand-new car! And it was a model that hadn't been released to the general public yet! Why do all the bland characters get all the luck?

All their family and friends came to the wedding, and were super-duper supportive, even though most of them had to be thinking, "When the hell did he get her pregnant?"

But whatevskies! They were married! And that meant Bella finally could get two things: sex and immortality. Yes...such admirable goals for our young protagonist.

Suddenly, who should crash the kick-ass after-party then...Jacob Black and his werewolf pals!

(By the way, why do THESE werewolves turn into HUGE wolves instead of half-man, half-wolf? And why the hell can they change whenver they damn well please? What gives, Stephanie Meyer?)

Jacob was still pissed about Bella being a bitch to him. Can you blame him? But he was all like, "Okay, bitch, you still have the chance to ditch that motherfucking princess and have a badass life with yours truly!"

Bella said, "Screw you!" And Jacob was sad.

Then Edward took Bella to some remote island for their honeymoon. I'll spare you the details on their exploits; our friends Stephanie Meyer takes care of that in the real book. I will say that Bella got away with wearing really skanky underwear, and Edward practically crushed Bella like a grape when they were...you know. He even bruised her! But it was okay, because he also ripped up the nice pillows and broke the headboard. You know, normal stuff like that.

But then one day, Bella thought she felt something move inside her. This could only mean one thing. She. Was. Pregnant.

Pregnant, you say? No! Edward's the living dead. He can't make anyone pregnant! But remember, we're in Stephanie Meyer's world, bitches, and she can do whatever the fuck she wants, and if she says that Edward can make Bella pregnant - despite the fact that it's logically impossible - then dammit, Edward can make Bella pregnant!

So...yeah. Edward was mortified that he had made Bella pregnant, because apparently he wasn't even AWARE that he could do that, either. But for right now, we're gonna leave them with their dilemma and go to the next section of this story.

Section 2: Jacob

Jacob does, what else, whine and complain about how unfair life is. But then...what's this? Bella's PREGNANT? No fucking way! She can't be!

But she is. Her stomach is bigger than Mount Everest, and she's dying. The other werewolves say, "There's some gross-ass monster in there! We need to kill that bitch before she can give birth to it and cause hell on earth!"

But Jacob was all, "Hellz to the no, motherfuckers! I fucking love that crazy-ass bitch! So fuck you!"

And after...more things NOT HAPPENING, Bella finally gave birth.

But she was DYING from the EXHAUSTION. And Edward was all, "Die, bitch!" and jammed some of his venom into her, so she could "live".

Jacob was pissed. What a fucking doueshbag! He got so pissed, he wanted to kill all those motherfucking princess...I mean, vampires.

That is...until he saw the love of his life.

No, it's not Bella, you dumbass. It was Bella's "monster" of a daughter, cleverly named Renesme.

Jacob inprinted on the baby, pretty much. Imprinting is a werewolf saying to anyone of the opposite sex - and I do mean ANYONE - "I'm here for you, babe." As creepy and pedophile-ish as that sounds, it's true.

And that day, Jacob became a pervert to half-vampire Renesme Cullen.

Section 3: Bella (again)

Bella was a vampire now. She didn't really care about her daughter; her Mary-Sue transformation was complete.

She was no longer trippy, plain, or really really boring. Now she was beautiful, but she was still trippy and really really boring. She was burnt toast boring.

But no one cared ho bland she was; just as long as she was taught NOT to kill humans, like the normal vampires. But, hey, Bella's a fucking Mary-Sue! So of course there's some lame-ass bullshit that's presented to us right away.

Bella goes hunting, and smells the humans, BUT DOESN'T ATTACK LIKE A NEWBORN SHOULD.

Of course she doesn't.

When she learns about Jacob and her daughter, she almost kills the sorry little bitch. But she can't...boo-hoo. So she allows them to become friends, because that's not creepy.

But wait! This wouldn't be a story without CONFLICT!

Another vampire sees Renesme, and thinks she's a mindless infant vampire. You know, the kind that got outlawed for good damn reason because they didn't learn to STOP KILLING ALL THOSE MOTHERFUCKING HUMANS. So the Cullens are screwed...again.

So they call in all their friends from around the world - the ones we haven't heard about until NOW - and prepare to fight.

But wait...what's this? Bella's got SUPER POWERS? Of course she does! And she saves the vampire's asses because she's the Mary-Sue!

So with her mind powers, Bella protects her new friends against the big, bad government vampires. But then...Alice and Jasper find another half-vampire for the convenience of the plot, and show how not dangerous he is. And then the government vampires say, "Oh, geez, sorry we were such assholes to you guys. Have a nice life."

And so there's no epic battle, no good lessons to learn, nothing. Absolutely nothing.

The vampires are all happy, and Bella and Edward are free to fuck all they want without any more worries of having children.

Yeah.

I know.

Best story EVER, right?

THE END...for realsies this time. I will not do Midnight Sun, because I haven't read it and I don't want to. So...yeah.