Chapter 1 – Unwell

"All day starin' at the ceilin' makin' friends with shadows on my wall

All night hearing voices tellin' me that I should get some sleep

Because tomorrow might be good for somethin'

Hold on, feelin' like I'm headed for a breakdown, and I don't know why

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell, I know, right now you can't tell

But stay a while and maybe then you'll see, a different side of me

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired, I know, right now you don't care

But soon enough you're gonna think of me and how I used to be, me"

Unwell by Matchbox Twenty

Anders fell into his bed immediately after Rylee Hawke, her sister, Bethany, the dwarf, Varric, and the city guard, Aveline, had left his clinic after what had proven to be an extremely stressful and emotional evening. Once the shock of seeing Lillah's twin had worn off and his tongue had finally found the ability to work again, he discovered that the rogue was looking for an entrance into the Deep Roads. Although he had no desire to ever go back down into the darkspawn infested tunnels, he saw it as an opportunity to help his dear friend. That was one of his reasons for coming to Kirkwall, after all, and he would do all that he could to help Karl escape from the wretched Gallows. The Gallows. Just the thought of the place made his stomach twist into knots. He hated it and everything that it stood for. It was nothing more than a prison, an endless, dark hole where good men and women were locked up just because they were different.

After a few interrogating questions and some convincing from her apostate sister, Rylee had agreed to help him out with Karl. He couldn't help but stare continuously at the rogue until she finally called him out on it. That was when he learned that Rylee was actually a distant cousin of Lillah's, which accounted for their uncanny resemblance, but their similarities ended with their looks. Lil had a kind word for everyone, while Rylee was quick-witted and had a sharp tongue. Due to being raised in the Circle, Lil was respectful and courteous, while Rylee was irreverent, mischievous, and he definitely saw a hint of her having a naughty sense of humor from the playful banter that she had with the dwarf. She actually reminded him of himself when he was younger and notpossessed. The one thing that the cousins undeniably had in common was that they both were caring and compassionate.

After the events that took place in the chantry this evening—specifically, Justice dealing death to the templars like a dealer in a Diamondback game—Anders wouldn't have been surprised if Rylee had come back to his clinic ready to kill the abomination that she had to have thought he was. Instead, her first concern had been for his well being. She had been so sympathetic when she offered him her condolences regarding Karl's death at his own hands, offering him comfort and reassurance that he had done the right thing. She had poured him a small glass of whiskey from Varric's flask to help ease his tension. When he had refused, she had everyone pour themselves a drink, and then she made a toast to Karl's memory.

As the alcohol slid down his throat, warming and relaxing him, he couldn't help but smile that she had masterfully manipulated him without even realizing that she had done it.

Damn, she was good, he thought.

She is someone that we need to be leery of. You must remain guarded around her, Justice said warily inside his head.

How can you say that? She just helped us. She could have come here completely outraged by your act of violence, but she has yet to even bring that up. She is more concerned about how I feel than about what we did.

You haven't had alcohol since we merged. She sweet-talked you into taking a drink, and you didn't even realize it until it was too late. She is a master manipulator and she is dangerous.

Anders ignored the spirit.

Rylee smiled at him as she rested her hand on his. "Feel a little better?"

The warmth of the alcohol was soothing and calming. He smiled back at her. "Yes, thank you, even though I do believe that you tricked me into that drink."

She chuckled as she sat down on the bed beside him. "Tricked you? Never! I just used some my feminine wiles to help ease some of your troubles."

See, I told you… trouble!

Oh, shut up, Anders thought.

Varric smirked. "If feminine wiles were all you needed to get him to drink, I really don't wanna know what else you can do to a man once you put your mind to it."

"Oh, my playbook is long and extensive," Rylee said with an impish grin.

"Maker, help me if you ever set your sights on me," Anders replied.

"Sadly, I do believe someone else already has their eyes on you," Rylee said with a sigh, and then unconsciously glanced at her sister, who was now three shades of red.

Anders leaned over and whispered, "Hmmm, how much have you had to drink? Because I do believe you are seeing things that aren't there."

She grinned that roguish smile of hers as she whispered back, "Whatever gets you through the night, my friend. Just be gentle when you break her heart. She isn't as worldly as I am." She patted his knee as she stood up. "Well, I know it has been a long night for you, so we will let you get some rest. I will check in on you tomorrow. I want to hear all about the blue-eyed glowy thing."

Later, as Anders lay in bed, he had to chuckle when he thought about how smoothly and effortlessly Rylee had handled the whole situation this evening. She had to be only twenty, twenty-one at the most, but she had the maturity of someone much older than her. Something in her life had forced her to become more responsible, probably before she was ready. He wondered what that something was and how, even with that misfortune, she managed to maintain her wit and charm.

He liked her. She intrigued him and he wanted to help her, but she looked so much like Lillah that he didn't know if he could handle the constant reminder of all that he'd once had and lost. As he began to fall asleep, he thought of Lillah and all the many times they had spent together in the library stacks. A sad smile spread across his face as he drifted into the Fade.

The following morning, Anders was busy working with patients and hardly even sensed when Rylee and Bethany had entered the building. They stood off to the side and watched him work. He tried to remain strong, channeling his mana, but all the healing that he was doing today was draining him rapidly. That was when Bethany stepped in and she smiled at him as she said, "Let me heal the minor wounds so that you can save your strength for those in more serious need."

He was taken aback that she was so willing to help him, and he thanked her for the offer. With her assistance, they had all of the patients healed and on their way within an hour's time. "Thank you, Bethany. I really appreciate your help. I don't know how much longer I would have lasted."

"Oh, your welcome! I was happy to do it. I know my healing spells aren't as strong as yours, but I'm glad I could help out some," Bethany said with a smile.

Maker, she was beautiful, but she had to be ten years younger than him and was definitely jailbait. Her sister, on the other hand, was exactly the type of woman he would have gone after if he was the old Anders, the fun Anders, the not broken, brokenhearted and possessed Anders. "Your healing spells were good and, with a little bit of work, you could make them even stronger," Anders told her.

She continued to smile at him. "Would you be willing to work with me and teach me?"

Anders eyes widened. He certainly didn't have the time to teach her new spells and he didn't need the distraction. He glanced over at Rylee, who raised an eyebrow and gave him an encouraging smile. Damn it, she had done so much for him already. Not only had she helped with Karl, but she had been a true friend last night when he really needed one. He looked at Bethany and smiled back at her. "Of course. I would be happy to work with you when you're not off trying to conquer the world with your sister."

"Thank you, Anders. I really appreciate it. Oh, I almost forgot," Bethany said as she reached into her bag. "The other day I was out on the cost gathering herbs and I really picked more than I needed. I made a few extra potions for you. I'm sure that you could use them here."

Anders was once again humbled by her kindness. "I don't know what to say… thank you. That was very thoughtful of you. I was running low."

"You're welcome. You are doing a very noble thing here, Anders. I just want to help if I can," Bethany said.

"Well, now that the mushy stuff is out of the way, I do believe you owe me an explanation Mr. Blue Man," Rylee said with a chuckle as she stepped up to them.

"You're right, I do, but before I explain, can I ask you something first?" Anders asked. Rylee nodded. "After the events in the chantry, any sane person would have rushed back here last night, ready to kill the abomination that had just taken out a half a dozen templars. Instead, you came back here, offered me a drink, and tried to comfort me in my grief. Why?"

"Ah, so you are working under the rational that I am sane," Rylee said with a grin.

Anders chuckled. "Well, I certainly hope so."

"Well, the jury is still out on that one, but I know that you aren't an abomination. You have a Fade spirit in you, correct?"

Anders jaw dropped in shock. "W-what? H-how?"

"My father was an apostate… a powerful mage. He taught Bethany everything she knows about magic. He was also a spirit healer, and he worked very closely with the Spirit of Fortitude. I've never seen my father do the Blue Man routine, but I have seen his entire demeanor change when he would be working closely with Fortitude. So, you see, I know you're not an abomination or crazy, you're just a little unwell."

Anders laughed. "Well, nicely phrased, but that's putting it mildly. Spirit healers work closely with Fade spirits to heal. As a matter of fact, I work closely with a Fade Spirit when I heal, but that is different than what happened to me. When I was a Warden, I met the Spirit of Justice that was trapped outside of the Fade. He helped the Warden Commander fight against a war that was taking place between feuding fractions of darkspawn…"

"What? How in the void is that possible?" Rylee asked.

"Another story for another time. Anyway, during this ongoing fight, Justice and I became friends. He saw the injustices that were being done to mages and agreed with me that things needed to change. He wanted to help our plight, so when the host that he had been living in died, I-I allowed him to merge with me. I thought I was helping, I thought we would do some good together, but my anger… changed him… corrupted him into a spirit of Vengeance… I destroyed my friend."

Rylee placed her hand reassuringly on his arm. "Anders, you didn't know what would happen to Justice when you offered to help. You were trying to help your friend while at the same time fighting for the rights of all mages. That is an honorable thing to do."

Beautiful, kind, and wise, surely she made a deal with a demon herself, Anders thought.

Don't even jest about such a thing.

Which part? The demon bit or the beautiful, kind and wise bit?

Both.

"I know it didn't work the way you wanted, but... it was brave, what you did with Justice," Bethany said.

Anders smiled sadly at the naïve mage. "I meant well, but the way to the Black City is paved with good intentions. I don't know if I can or should be forgiven for this act of stupidity."

"Well, as the saying goes, the stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget. Which one are you, Anders?" Rylee asked. Bethany shot her sister a look of irritation and Rylee just shrugged and raised her eyebrows in a look that silently asked, "What did I say?"

Anders laughed. Yes, she was definitely wise beyond her years. "I would hope that I am wise."

"Well, good. Then you need to learn to forgive yourself, but never forget so that you don't repeat the mistake," Rylee said.

Yes, there is much wisdom there hidden below the sarcasm. I still don't trust her.

Oh, would you give it a rest.

Anders turned his outward attention back to Rylee. "I will certainly try. I didn't have a chance to tell you yesterday, but my maps are yours and if you ever need my help please don't hesitate to ask."

"Thank you. And, now that you mention it..."

Anders smirked. "Well, that didn't take long. What does the lovely Lady Hawke require of me?"

'The lovely Lady Hawke.' Tell me you are not flirting with her.

So what if I am? Flirting is good for the soul. Now hush!

"Well, in about a week, I need to return an amulet to the Dalish camp at Sundermount. I was hoping you would accompany me," Rylee said.

"Why do I get the feeling this isn't a normal amulet?"

"Probably because it's not and I would prefer to have a powerful mage at my side when I return it."

"I am at your service," Anders replied with a grin. This was the best that he had felt in months and he was looking forward to getting out of Kirkwall for a while.

xxXxx

Anders stared into the fire as he reflected on the events of the past two weeks. Rylee had been true to her word and, a week after the chantry incident, they left for Sundermount. Anders had enjoyed the fresh air, the tranquility of the mountain, and the camaraderie of traveling with a group again. He hadn't realized how much he had missed that until he listened to the friendly banter that was exchanged between Rylee, Varric, and Rylee's newest addition to her entourage, the infamous pirate, Captain Isabela.

As they made their way out of the city, Isabela had been staring at him for most of the morning. When he couldn't take it anymore, he glared at her, completely frustrated. "What?"

"You look so familiar," Isabela said.

Anders relaxed and smiled. "I was thinking the same thing."

"We weren't stranded on an island together, I would definitely have remembered that, but I have seen you before."

"For some reason, I believe a lot of ale was involved."

"Isabela and ale… no, really?" Rylee said.

"I can't quite place where I've seen you—wait, you're Fereldan, right? Have you been to the Pearl?" Isabela asked.

Anders chuckled. "Maker's pumping pole, that's where I've seen you."

Rylee choked. "M-maker's what?"

"Maker's pumping pole… it's this thing I do… or used too," Anders said.

"Creating blasphemous curses is a thing you do?" Rylee asked.

Anders grinned at her. "Yeah, I used too. Not so much, anymore."

Rylee's roguish grin spread across her face. "I think we are going to get along superbly, Mr. Blue Man."

"Do you have to call me that?"

"Why, does it bug you?"

"Yes, it does."

"Then yes, I do. Union rules… I must annoy all employees," Rylee said mockingly.

Anders just muttered under his breath.

"How about I shorten it Bluesy?" she asked.

"If you must," Anders mumbled.

"So I saw you at the Pearl. You're that hot little number who did that electricity thing. That was nice, very nice indeed," Isabela said.

"I really don't think I need to know this about either one of you," Varric said.

"Ooo, I sense a story coming along. Someone pass the ale!" Rylee exclaimed.

"It's a little early for ale, Hawke," Varric stated.

Rylee chuckled. "Varric, you're a disgrace to dwarves everywhere. It's never too early for ale."

Isabela chortled. "A dwarf saying it's too early to drink? That in and of itself calls for a toast."

Rylee shamelessly batted her big blue eyes at Anders. "My, my, you definitely have my attention now. So what electricity thing, Bluesy? Can we or, more importantly, can Ihave a demonstration?"

His heart nearly leapt into his chest. That was another way that the cousins were completely different. Although they were the same age, Lillah was shy and naïve, and it had been Anders who had pursued her. Rylee, however, was worldly and very confident in her sexuality.

He gulped.

Maker, she had to be a lioness in bed, Anders thought dreamily.

Anders! Snap out of it. You cannot allow yourself to think of her like that.

Ah, I wasn't.

Yes, you were.

You're right. Note to self: must not think of the pretty rogue sexually. She is an asexual person to me. Better?

Much.

But you have to admit, she does have a gorgeous ass.

ANDERS!

Right, asexual person, asexual person, asexual person, asexual person.

Anders realized that Rylee was looking at him, waiting for an answer. "Would you like a normal demonstration, or the naked variety?" he asked out loud.

Now you're just doing it on purpose to make me angry.

No. I'm not. I'm just allowing myself to have some fun. No harm will come of it.

I wouldn't be too sure of that, my friend. She is dangerous.

Dangerous? How could she be dangerous?

Because she is exactly what you need to forget Lillah and to find contentment.

What's wrong with that? I'm tired of being in pain.

Contentment breeds complacency, which will cause you to lose your focus.

It won't. She won't. She is a friend, and I really could use a friend right about now.

Then if she is only a friend, stop staring at her ass and thinking about how gorgeous it is. Justice then eased back to the edges of Anders' mind.

"Well, if we can find a private cave... the naked variety!" Rylee said with wink that caused Anders' stomach to flip.

"Good choice." Isabela chuckled. "Although the normal demonstration isn't bad either."

The friendly banter continued throughout the rest of the trip, and Anders hadn't enjoyed himself this much since before he had become a Grey Warden. Now, as they made their way back to Kirkwall, he didn't want the trip to end. He was not looking forward going back to the smell of Darktown, the clinic, and to the loneliness.

After Rylee and Varric had finished cleaning up after dinner, she made her way over and sat beside him. "Thank you for accompanying me on this trip. I really appreciate it."

"I'm glad I could help and, I have to admit, I enjoyed getting out of Kirkwall. It was fun," Anders replied.

She snorted. "Fun? Fighting our way through countless smugglers, killing some walking corpses, meeting the Witch of the Wilds, watching her transform into a dragon, and bringing back a blood mage is your idea of a good time? I'd hate see how you entertain a girl on a date."

"Hey, most girls have lots of fun on dates with me. At least, I think they did, except for that one... um... nevermind."

"Oh, do tell, now that you have my curiosity up."

Anders chuckled. "Let's just say she wasn't as fireproof as she claimed to be."

"So I should tell Bethany to wear fire resistant clothes?"

"Ah, about that. Bethany is a very sweet, beautiful girl, but she is just that—a girl. She is much too young for me."

"And exactly how old are you, Anders?"

"I'm twenty-seven."

Rylee let out a low whistle. "Yes, you're right, old man. You're ancient."

"Why, yes, I am. My staff is the best walking stick ever."

"Which one?"

Anders started to choke. "Are you always so blunt?"

Rylee chucked. "I'm not blunt. I'm sharp and witty and most people love me for it."

"It's easy to see why. You make it very hard not to like you, I might add," Anders murmured.

"So, are you saying that you like me?"

"Yes, you have been a good friend and I have enjoyed this little excursion."

"Well, I'm sorry if my command style is not as elegant as my famous cousin's," Rylee said.

Anders' head snapped up. "So you know your cousin Lillah?"

"Yes, we knew each other as children, and then met again at Ostagar a few days before the final battle. Even then, her advice and instruction demanded attention from those around her. Alistair was falling head over heels on her every word."

"I'm sure he was," Anders said bitterly.

Rylee cocked her head and looked at him curiously. "Do I detect an acidic tone in that statement?"

"Picked up on that, did you? Let's just say that the King and I are not the greatest of friends."

"Sounds like another good story."

Anders waved her off. "I'm sorry, Rylee, I really don't want to talk about that."

"I understand."

"Would you mind telling me about Ostagar?"

"Only if you promise to one day tell me about what happened between you, Lillah, and Alistair?"

"One day, yes, but I'm not ready to talk about it now," Anders said as the melancholy settled on him like pollen in the springtime.

"Well, everything that you have heard about Ostagar is true and much worse—the blood, the death, the feeling of ultimate betrayal from a man you grew up admiring. It was a complete nightmare; Carver and I barely got out alive. We raced to Lothering to get mother and Bethany before the darkspawn overran the town. We barely made it. We got there in just enough time to get them out with just the clothes on their backs," Rylee said, almost in a daze as she recalled the memories.

Anders placed a hand on her arm. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to drudge up bad memories."

Rylee shook her head. "It's okay."

There was a lull in the conversation before Anders finally asked, "So you met Lillah? Was that the first time that you had ever met your cousin?"

"No, I had known her as a child before she was sent to the Circle. Her parents knew that she was a mage, so she often spent summers with my family so that my father could teach her how to control her magic. When the templars found her and took her away, Bethany was devastated and frightened. I promised her that I would never allow the templars to take her, that I would die before I let that happen. I have been protecting her ever since."

"How old were you when that happened?"

"Thirteen."

Anders couldn't help but feel admiration at Rylee's conviction. "That's a lot of responsibility for a young girl to shoulder."

"She is my sister. I love her. I would risk everything for those I loved."

"And what does a mage have to do to earn that type of protection from you?"

"Oh, you only have to win my heart," Rylee said with a grin.

"Not an easy task," Varric muttered.

"However, from what I hear, it's her body that doesn't take a lot of work to gain access to," Isabela said.

Rylee's eyes widened with shock from the comment. "From what I hear, neither does yours."

Anders raised an eyebrow and smirked. "So you aren't denying that your body is easily attainable?"

Rylee's cheeks turned a deep shade of red. "It is... I mean it isn't... it's just… let's just say I've given my body away more than I've given my heart away."

"How often have you given your heart away?" Anders asked.

Rylee paused then whispered, "I've never given it away."

That eye-opening statement silenced the entire camp.

It's very sad and somehow very unjust that a creature as beautiful and caring as her has never known the joy of love.

Anders felt his heart break a little for her. Yes, you're right. It's actually tragic.

Anders reached out to her and touched her knee. "Why?"

There was a pained look in her eyes and sorrow encompassed her entire being. "Because I have never met a man that measured up to my father."

Anders looked at her for a long moment before he said, "Your father must have been an impressive man to earn such deep respect, admiration, and love."

"He was." Then she quickly stood up and gathered in her emotions. "Well, it's been a long day. I think I will turn in. Goodnight, Bluesy."

He smiled at the nickname. "Goodnight, Rylee."

Anders laid on his bedroll that night staring up at the stars. The revelation that someone as beautiful on the inside as well as the outside as Rylee had never fallen in love boggled his mind. There was more to the story than she was willing to tell at this point. He was dying to know, but he wouldn't press her. He would wait until she was ready to tell him the tale.

A/N - I wanted to thank everyone for your reviews and for adding this story to your alert and favs list. The response has been awesome and I appreciate your support. I always try to respond to review posts, but if I missed someone, I apologize and please know that I am grateful for you taking the time to read and review.

I also want to thank my fantabulous betas, Jinxy and Mackillian, for their rad beta-ing skills, for their support and for being such great sounding board. You girls rock!