Chapter 4 – Everybody Hurts

"When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone, when you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on.

Don't let yourself go, everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes, sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along.

When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on) If you feel like letting go, (hold on)

When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on, everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends.

Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand.

If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone"

Everybody Hurts by R.E.M

Anders thought he never would be glad to be back in Kirkwall, but after three months in the Deep Roads, Kirkwall looked like the Golden City. It had taken them about a month to find their way out the Deep Roads after Bartand's betrayal and it had been the longest three months of his life even longer than being in solitaire confinement. Anders watched Rylee as she dragged herself toward her uncle's house.

"Well, you have to be happy that you won't be living here with him much longer," Anders said as they stood in front of the shabby-looking home.

"Living here wasn't so bad. If I could have gotten rid of Gamlen, it would have been downright pleasant," Rylee said.

"Just think of all of Gamlen's good points; that should help make it more bearable."

"Well, that would be work if he had any," Rylee replied.

As Rylee started up the stairs the front door swung open. Knight-Captain Cullen stepped through with Bethany in his grasp. Rylee rushed forward. "What in the Void is going on?"

"We are taking Mistress Bethany to the Gallows," Cullen said.

Rylee stepped in front of them. "No! You can't take her."

"That's where they take all of the apostates. It's where I belong," Bethany said solemnly, as if resigned to her fate.

"Bethany, you can't just accept this." Tears began to flow down Rylee's cheeks.

Anders saw Rylee go for her daggers. He grasped her wrist and whispered, "Don't! You can't win this battle, Ry. Let her go. We will get her back."

Cullen also noticed her reaching for her daggers. "The penalty for harboring an apostate is death. But because your sister is cooperating and because you have been very helpful to us in the past, I will overlook it."

"Oh, Bethany, no! What will happen to my baby?" Leandra cried out as she collapsed to the floor.

"Don't worry about me, Mother. I will be fine." Bethany turned to look at Rylee and Anders. "Looks like you no longer have to worry about my feelings, because I will no longer be around to keep the two of you to apart from each other. Take care of Mother." Then she turned on her heels and walked out with Cullen.

The horrible memory of the argument that Rylee and Bethany had right before they left for the Deep Roads flickered through Anders' mind.

"What do you mean you aren't taking me?" Bethany asked.

"Beth, Mother is right, this is going to be very dangerous. You don't want to be there with all of those foul creatures. You are safer here, and when I get back, we will be able to fulfill yours and Mother's dream of getting the estate back," Rylee said as she tried to persuade her sister.

Bethany glared at her sister and then at Anders. "How convenient for you? Now you will have him all to yourself for the next several months."

Rylee's face flickered with rage, but she reigned in her temper. "Yes, this is what I had planned all along. To leave you behind and lure Anders into the Deep Roads for a hot, romantic interlude because I'm sure fighting for my life against darkspawn is really going to get the juices flowing and put me in the mood for some wild and crazy sex. You need to grow up, Bethany."

Rylee then stomped off to join the group as they prepared to head out.

Those were the last words that Rylee had spoken to her sister before she left and now Anders could tell that her last words were also crossing her mind. She went to her mother's crumpled form to comfort her; her bottom lip was trembling as she willed herself to remain in control.

Anders gave Leandra a sleeping draft, and once she had fallen asleep, Rylee turned to him, "I need to get out of here."

Anders nodded. Then he put his arm around her shoulders and led her back to his place. When they got there, he opened a bottle of wine and poured her a glass. He handed it to her, she drained it quickly and handed it back to him for a refill.

"You do realize that wine is supposed to be sipped," Anders said.

She remained silent and just held her glass out for him to fill. He obeyed her request and refilled her glass. He sat across from her and waited for her to be ready to talk about what had happened. He heard her sniffle. When he looked up at her, tears were streaming down her face. The dam had finally broken and the emotional flood tore through her as her body shook with grief.

Anders got up and took the glass from her. Then he took her by the hand and led her over to his cot. He eased her down on the bed, and then he slowly removed her armor and boots. He laid her down then curled up behind her and held her as the well of emotions poured out of her. After what seemed like an hour, she whispered, "I failed him. I was unable to protect both Carver and Bethany. If he were alive, he would be so disappointed in me."

Anders slid his hand under her chin and forced her to look back at him. "That is a lie that your guilt is telling you, but it is untrue. Ry, your father would be proud of you. You did everything you could to protect them. You aren't to blame for the darkspawn killing Carver, you aren't to blame for the templars finding your sister and taking her to the Circle. You have sacrificed so much for your family. You have put your life on the line for them on a daily basis to try and provided a better way of life for them. You are the bravest, strongest woman I know. Please don't believe for a minute that you aren't the woman that your father raised you to be."

The sobs came again as she retreated deeper into his embrace. He held her tightly against him until she eventually cried herself to sleep. She slept in his arms the whole night and it felt so good to have her body pressed up against his. He hoped that it gave her as much comfort being there as he received from having her there.

She stirred against him, causing something to stir within him. He shifted his hips away from her so she didn't feel his need for her. With her eyes still closed, she stretched. Maker, even with bed hair she was beautiful.

Her eyes fluttered open, and as she focused on him, a smile spread across her face. "Morning," she mumbled.

"Morning to you too," Anders replied as he started to get up. "Let me make us some tea."

"Not yet, I want to enjoy this for a few more minutes," she said. He happily accommodated her request as he cuddled in behind her. This was perfect, being with her was perfect, and he couldn't recall knowing such peace. Even when he had been with Lillah, he hadn't known solace like this because there was always the fear that the templars would catch them. Love and lust had drawn them together, but fear had bound them to one another.

Eventually, they both got up, and as he fixed them tea, she put her armor back on. They sat across from each other in comfortable silence as they sipped their tea. Occasionally, he would catch her staring at him. He would smile at her and she would smile back, and then go back to drinking her tea. Once she had finished, she stood to leave. She took his hand, brought it to her lips, and gently pressed a kiss against it. Then she looked tenderly at him. "Thank you for last night. You saved me in every way a person could save another. I owe you."

"You owe me nothing. I gladly did it and would do it again. I'm just grateful I could be there for you," Anders said warmly.

She released his hands. "I need to head home and check on my mother. Thank you again." She hugged him, kissed his cheek, and then headed out the door.

You need to stop this now.

Stop what? I haven't done anything.

I can feel how you feel about her. You are falling in love with her. Anders, you must stop this now before it goes too far. She will only distract you from your true purpose.

She isn't a distraction. She has helped us. She has helped many apostates in the underground escape the Circle.

She will be your downfall and you will be hers. You will destroy her.

I won't. I would never do anything to harm her. I... I love her.

I know you do. I care for her, too, which is why I am telling you that you need to let her go.

I can't… I need her. She makes all of this worthwhile.

My friend, where we are headed will only bring her pain and will destroy the things that we cherish most about her. If you truly love her, you must put distance between you both.

Anders knew Justice was right. He knew that, as a wanted apostate working vigilantly with the Mage Underground, if he was caught, all known associates would be subjected to arrest and death. The thought of them taking her caused a pain to shoot through his heart. That would be a heartache he couldn't bear. He would rather distance himself from her than risk exposing her to danger so over the next three years he tried to keep from her as much as possible. He made himself unavailable when she asked him to go the Hanged Man and always found a plausible excuse for not accompanying her to the Wounded Coast for a mission. He saw the pain and confusion in her eyes and it tore at him like thousands of little tiny cuts, but she never asked why and he never offered an explanation.

However, at night, he couldn't escape the image of her beautiful face, the memory of her body pressed against his, the smell of her as she inundated his senses and the sensation of her soft lips against his cheek. He could only imagine how delicious the taste of her lips would be, how it would feel to caress the velvety skin of her entire body with his hands, lips, and mouth as her scent flooded his mind. He ached for her, he craved her like a templar craved lyrium, and he was very close to his breaking point once again. The serenity that she had brought to his life had slowly begun to recede and a darkness that scared him was taking its place.

One night as Anders sat in his clinic working on his manifesto, Merrill came rushing in. "Anders, its Rylee… we… she needs you."

Anders jumped up and grabbed his staff as he followed Merrill out the door. "What happened?" His panic began to rise.

"Ah, well… it's really something you have to see for yourself," Merrill said.

"Is it life threatening?"

"Um… well… no, I don't believe it is life threatening. It's just very painful."

By the time they arrived at Varric's room in the Hanged Man, Anders' imagination was completely out of control as he imagined all kinds of vile and dangerous things that could be wrong with her. Varric pulled the curtain back to his bed chamber. Rylee was there on her stomach, and a sheet speckled with blood covered her from the waist down.

Anders stepped into the room and pulled the curtain closed. He propped his staff against the wall, pulled the sheet back, his eyes widened and then he roared with laughter. At least a dozen shards of glass were sticking out of her bottom.

"Anders! This isn't funny! That's my ass," Rylee said.

"Sweetheart, I am well aware that is your ass. Sweet Andraste's twat, how did you manage to do that?"

Varric chuckled. "Well, it really isn't a very funny story… yet. It would appear that our little Hawke was in no mood to make two trips down to the bar, so when she went down to grab our tray of meat and cheeses and the bottle of wine, she slipped the wine glasses into her back pockets. When she got back here, she forgot that the glasses were there, and she sat on them."

Anders laughed, "My impatient little rogue, what am I going to do with you?"

"Well right now I would suggest you taking the glass that is protruding from my bottom out!"

Anders chuckled as he walked over the head of the bed and grabbed a couple of pillows. "Lift yourself up and slide these underneath you. I need to elevate your bottom so that I have a better angle."

Isabela chortled. "Yesss, you do need the best angle to get a great view of... the problem."

"So help me, if I see one smile, or hear one snicker, there will be a reckoning, I swear it," Rylee said. Then she craned her head to watch him as he pulled out a pair of tweezers from his bag. Her eyes widened. "C-can't you just magically remove them?"

Anders laughed. "Sorry, love, I have to take them out individually to make sure that no slivers are left behind to cause an infection."

Rylee moaned. "This is going to hurt like the Black City and take hours."

"A man taking hours... that's a new concept." Isabela laughed. "Which is a pity, I, for one, would love to look at an ass like that for hours. Maybe do more than just look, too."

Anders pulled out a healing potion that contained a painkiller in it. "Here, drink this. It will help with the pain and stop an infection from setting in."

Rylee did as instructed as Anders pulled up a chair, arranged a lantern so that he had better light, and then he went to work.

He gently grasped a sliver of glass and pulled it out. Rylee cried out. "Ouch, fuck me!"

"Well, you don't have to invite me twice. Anders, move over and make some room, I'm coming in!" Isabela said.

"You stay right where you are, before I—"

"Ouch! Anders! Andraste's ass on a cracker, that my ass. I'm very fond of it," Rylee shouted as Anders pulled out another shard.

"I'm rather fond of it, too. It's so soft and supple. Don't you agree, Anders?" Isabela asked.

Anders felt his heart tighten. He didn't like the insinuation that Isabela was making.
"Ry, I'm trying to pull it out slowly, I don't want to hurt you," Anders said.

"Another man with the world largest...ego. Where have I heard that before?" Isabela asked.

"Well than Anders, stop pulling it out so damn slow. Let's get it over with. Pull it out quicker," Rylee said.

"We are still talking about glass, right?" Isabela inquired.

"I really wish I knew what you were talking about. I might find this conversation so much more enjoyable," Merrill said.

"Anders, do you need me to hold her down while you go at her? She's a feisty little rogue in bed," Isabela said.

Again, the pirate's implication hit him in the chest and he had to force himself to remain focused.

Anders shook his head, but before he could answer, Rylee piped up, "Step one inch closer to my ass wench and I'll put a wine glass in your back pocket next time."

"Come now, lover, play nice," Isabela said.

"Lover? Did I miss something again? It sounds like I might have," Merrill said.

"It would seem that Anders is the lover now since he was the one caressing her ass," Varric said.

"No l-lover! Do any of you ever listen? N-no lover! O-ooh I g-give up!" Rylee said through gritted teeth as Anders extracted another large piece of glass.

"What is she mumbling about? That didn't even make sense. Have you drugged her Anders?" Varric asked.

"I gave her something for the pain, but if this conversation continues, I might need to drug myself," Anders said.

"Give me some more of that pain stuff while you're at it. It isn't working and I'll swallow anything at this point," Rylee said, exasperated.

Isabela chuckled. "Really, now? Anything, huh?"

"That's it. I'm going to kill her when I can get up," Rylee said.

"Rivaini, Daisy, let's head downstairs and let the good mage work on his patient," Varric suggested.

"Thank the Maker for small favors," Anders mumbled before he continued, "I'm gonna need a stiff drink after this."

"Oh, itwill be stiff all right," Isabela said with a chuckle as they left the room.

"Is my ass so painful to look at that you have to drug yourself to wash away the memory?" Rylee asked as a mischievous grin played on her lips.

"Hardly. You have a gorgeous ass and you know it." Anders peeked out into the open room, and when he saw that no one was lingering, asked, "So… you and Isabela, huh? Scratching an itch, or is it something more?"

Rylee was silent for a long moment. Anders' heart beat wildly as he waited for her reply. Finally, she said, "The itch has been scratched and it is over."

"She doesn't seem to think so, considering she still calls you 'lover,'" Anders said solemnly.

"Are you jealous?"

"Maybe a little, but it shouldn't really matter right, 'cause we're friends?"

"Maybe? I'm not sure anymore...three years of you pulling away makes me question if we ever really were friends," Rylee said sadly as she laid her head down on the bed.

He paused in his work; her words couldn't have hurt more than if she had physically struck him. Over the past three years he had missed her intensely, but he had assumed it had all been one sided. The thought that he had caused her pain made his stomach clinched in pain as his head tried to form the right words. "Ry…you can't mean that. You have to know how much I cared… how much I still care about you… you're the closest friend I've ever had… you're my best friend. I… pulled away from you because I don't want to hurt you. I-I will only bring you pain; I will only break your heart."

"How am I supposed to know that? Friends don't treat each other like that. They talk to one another; they work out their problems and differences. Anders, you were there for me on the worst night of my life. You comforted me, consoled me, and healed me, and then without a word of explanation you d-deserted me," she said as her voice cracked from the emotions that she was desperately trying to hold back.

"I'm so sorry. I never meant to make you feel like I had abandoned you. That was not my intention. I just didn't want to hurt you—"

"Can't you see that you are hurting me? I miss you. I miss talking with my best friend, I miss sharing my day with you, telling you my latest joke or Varric's newest version of my escapades… and… and I can't believe I'm talking about this with my bare ass up in the air."

Anders laughed. "I miss you too, Ry. I-I miss you like crazy."

"Then can we stop this self-imposed exile and get back to being friends?" Rylee asked.

Anders, don't do this. Please, don't do this to her.

I need her. I'm miserable without her. She soothes my mind and soul.

You are obsessed.

You're wrong.

"Yes, I would love that," Anders said out loud to Rylee.

She crooked her head and smiled at him. "Good. Now hurry up and make my arse pretty again."

Anders smiled; he thought that her arse was pretty no matter what. Then he shifted his thoughts back to being a healer as he went back to work on removing the glass. He only had a few more pieces, but they were in deep. He looked over her shoulder and saw that the painkiller had taken effect and that she had drifted off to sleep. As tenderly and gently as he could, he removed the last fragments. After the last piece was removed, Anders gently ran his hand over her bottom, checking to make sure that he hadn't missed any shards. She let out an almost silent purr in her sleep that caused his breath to quicken and his groin to tighten. He quickly finished his examination, and then removed the pillows from under her and eased her further up the bed. He covered her back up with the sheet, and then went down to see Varric.

"Varric, she is asleep in your bed. The painkiller I gave her will keep her knocked out until tomorrow morning. Have her come by the clinic in the morning so that I can make sure that everything has healed properly," Anders said.

"Well, it won't be the first time that Hawke has passed out in my bed, I'm sure it won't be the last," Varric said.

Anders raised an eyebrow. "She has been passing out in your bed often?"

"I know you haven't been around much late, Blondie. I know that was your choice and you had your reasons, but Hawke took Sunshine being sent to the Gallows very hard. Not only did she lose her sister, but she lost the one person that she had come to count on. A person can only take so much before they break. That is when she started drinking…a lot, taking crazy chances, and shacking up with Rivaini."

Anders sank into the chair beside the dwarf, guilt eating at him.

It's your fault, Justice. You said we would destroy her, but being without us—me—nearly did the same thing.

You are not responsible for her actions, only your own.

Screw you!

"I-is she still with Isabela?" Anders asked Varric.

Varric stared right into Anders' eyes. "No, Hawke ended that about a year ago. I believe the Rivaini would like to see things continue, but Hawke is in love with someone else. I'm just trying to figure out if he is smart enough to finally act on what he has felt for her ever since the day he met her."

"I've been a fool… an idiot… an imbecile."

"I won't argue with you there, Blondie. I might even add a dumbass and a fucking asshole."

"Those are also two very good adjectives to describe me and my behavior. You're right, but I promise I will make it up to her. You have my word."

"You better, 'cause I like you, Blondie. It would be a shame to have to kill you," Varric said matter-of-factly as Anders rose to leave.

The following morning, Rylee arrived at his clinic before he opened the doors to the general public. She smiled apprehensively at him as she entered. "Varric told me you wanted me to stop by to check to make sure that everything had healed properly."

"Yes, I did. Thank you for coming by. How do you feel this morning?" Anders asked.

"Much better than I did last night. Thank you, Anders, for coming… I appreciate it," Rylee said with a note of insecurity in her voice. He had never known her to lack confidence in herself and a pang of guilt and remorse coursed through him.

"It would be a crime to let a bottom as perfect as yours become marred permanently," Anders said.

Rylee looked at him skeptically. "I'm not buying that. It probably just looked very shiny. I'm sure if you shined a candle off it that you could have blinded someone." Before Anders could reply, she asked, "Where do you want me?"

Where do I want her? Is this a trick question? I want her here, I want her over there, I want her on the examining table, on the cot—

I get the point!

Out loud, Anders asked, "Can you step behind the divider and remove your pants so that I can examine you?"

"I'll bet you say that to all of your female patients."

"Only the breathtakingly beautiful ones."

"Oh? And how many of those have you had?"

"You're the first," Anders said as he winked at her. A slight smile caressed the corners of her mouth. He knew that he had injured her, caused her deep pain, but he would do everything in his power to return her to the beautiful, strong woman that he loved. He quickly examined her wounds and they had all healed perfectly. She got dressed and came out from behind the divider. He smiled at her. "Do you remember when we had that bet about whether or not you could convince me to ask you out?"

She smiled as she nodded.

"Well, I never really had the opportunity to follow through with that before we went into the Deep Roads. So now that we have a little bit more time, I was wondering if you would have dinner with me tonight?" he asked.

Her eyes lit up and sparkled as a grin spread across her face. "I would love to. You haven't been to the estate yet. I could have Bodahn cook something for us. I know you will find this hard to believe, but for a dwarf he is an outstanding cook; although, I had to buy him several stools so that he could reach everything in the kitchen."

Anders laughed. "I would love to see the estate and taste Bodahn's cooking, but I asked you out. That means I do the work. I know my place isn't as grand as yours, but I would like to cook for you."

Rylee raised an eyebrow.

"What? I am an excellent cook and I have saved some of the money from the expedition for just an occasion. Let me prepare a meal for you tonight," Anders said.

She beamed at him and her smile was the best thing he had seen in a very long time. "I would love too. What time would like me here?"

"How about seven o'clock, my lady?"

She grinned. "I'll be here."

Later that evening, there was a light tap at his doors. Anders checked the room one last time before he opened the door. He was pleased with how it looked. He had called in a few favors to get the room like this, but she was worth it.

He opened the door and felt the air begin to be sucked out of his chest. She wore an elegant noblewoman's gown. The bodice was a form fitting, sleeveless, with a dark burnt orange brocade corset, ribbon-laced upper arm gauntlets with hanging sleeves and a shimmering two toned skirt. Her dark locks hung loosely around her beautiful face.

"You look gorgeous," he breathed out.

She smiled warmly at him as she touched the sleeve of ivory tunic. "You clean up very well—" She stopped mid-sentence as she took in the room. Anders had pushed all the cots against the wall and used the room dividers to hide them. He had pulled his writing desk into the middle of the room, covered it with a sheet, and set dinner plates and huge bouquet of flowers on it. He then filled the entire room was filled with candles.

"Anders, it doesn't even look like the same room," she said.

He smiled. "I'm glad you liked it."

"The clinic looks amazing."

Anders took her hand and spun her around. "No, you look amazing, but my dear, you are asking for trouble coming to Darktown dressed like that."

Rylee smiled as lifted the skirt of her dress to reveal a dagger strapped to each of her thighs. "And Varric and Fenris escorted me down here. They will be back to bring me home in a couple of hours."

"Ah, so we have a time limit. Good to know," Anders said as he led her over to the table and pulled out her chair for her. He poured each of them some wine and then took a seat across from her.

She beamed at him. "I can't believe you went to all of this trouble for me."

"Rylee, I would do anything for you. You have to know that," Anders replied.

"For a while there, I wasn't so sure, but this very big gesture is showing me that you meant it. I'm glad to have you back in my life, Anders."

"I'm sorry that I ever caused you to doubt me. You are very important to me, Rylee, you always will be, and you have my word that I will never give you a reason to lose your faith in me again."

She smiled at him tenderly and slightly embarrassed. "Thank you. Now what smells so good?"

"Ah, my own secret recipe for venison stew," Anders said proudly as he stood up to serve them their dinner.

The rest of the evening flew by as they joked, told stories, and brought each other up to date on what was currently going on in their lives. When Varric and Fenris came through the clinic doors, Anders was extremely disappointed that the night was over.

Varric chuckled. "Blondie, I love what you've done with the place."

"Yes, it doesn't smell half as bad as it used to, either," Fenris said.

"Actually, Blondie, it smells damn good. Do you have any leftovers?"

Anders beamed. "If you go away for one more hour, you can have it all with my compliments."

"Deal!" they both exclaimed as they grabbed the pot, two bowls, and headed for the door.

"Well, that was easy. I should remember that in future," Rylee said.

Varric chortled. "The quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach and I think I'm now in love with Anders."

"Speak for yourself, dwarf, it will take more than a good stew to warm my heart toward the abomination," Fenris grumbled.

"Well, what are you still doing here? Get out or I'm taking back the stew," Anders said.

"Yeah, all right, we're going, but we will be back in one hour, not a minute later, Blondie." Varric then leaned toward him and whispered, "Keep treating her like this and you might just make it through this alive."

"Don't make promises you can't keep, dwarf."

"What are you two whispering about?" Rylee asked.

"Just trying to convince Anders to give me his stew recipe," Varric said.

"What?...Why?...So you show us how to ruin a perfectly delicious recipe?" Rylee asked.

After they left the room, Rylee leaned forward, exposing the tops of her perfectly rounded breasts. Sweet Mother of the Maker, it was a good thing that her armor didn't showcase her chest like that, or he would have been dead a long time ago.

"Now what was that exchange really about?" she asked.

He could barely concentrate on what she said because his eyes were fixed on her delicious swells of her breasts. "Ah, that was nothing. They just seem to have become very protective of you over the past couple of years."

"Yeah, like the pain in the ass big brothers I never had," Rylee said.

Anders laughed. "They mean well and I'm glad they were there for you when I wasn't."

"I've had a great time tonight, Anders, so let's leave the past where it belongs and just move forward. Deal?"

He smiled warmly at her. "Deal!" Anders said. He had been given a second chance with her and he wasn't about to blow it.

A/N – I wanted to thank everyone for your reviews and for adding this story to your alert and favs list. The response has been awesome and I appreciate your support. I always try to respond to review posts, but if I missed someone, I apologize and please know that I am grateful for you taking the time to read and review.

*Special thanks to Jinxy and Mackillian, for working their wonderful beta magic on this chapter. You ladies are awesome and I thank you for continuing to make me look good.