Chapter 5 -The Edge of Glory
"It's hard to feel the rush, to brush the dangerous
I'm gonna run right to, to the edge with you
Where we can both fall far in love
I'm on the edge of glory, and I'm hanging on a moment of truth
Out on the edge of glory, and I'm hanging on a moment with you
I'm on the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge,
I'm on the edge of glory, and I'm hanging on a moment with you
I'm on the edge with you."
The Edge of Glory by Lady Gaga
Over the next several months, Anders and Rylee slowly rebuilt their friendship. It wasn't quite what it had been a few years ago, but it was close. The more time that she spent with him, the more she let her guard down around him and the more the old Rylee came shining through. Some of the peace that he had known had returned, but it was countered with Justice's growing aggravation over the time that he spent with Rylee. However, the solace that he found in Rylee's company was worth the ongoing arguments with Justice.
He was up late working on his manifesto when a knock came at the door. He grabbed his staff and hesitantly approached the door. "Who is it?"
"I have a message for Ser Anders," a young voice said.
Anders tentatively opened the door. There, standing at his threshold, was a young boy of about thirteen or fourteen. "I was paid very generously to deliver this to Ser Anders." The boy held out a sealed parchment. Anders' name had been written sloppily on the front in Rylee's familiar handwriting.
Anders took the letter from the young boy. "Thank you. I will make sure that Ser Anders receives this."
"Thank you, ser," the messenger said as he turned and hurried away.
Anders closed his door and made his way over to his desk. He looked at the letter and thought it was very strange that Rylee would send him a letter by messenger late at night.
Just as he broke the seal, his door burst open, and Rylee and Isabela came stumbling through.
"Ah, hi A-anders," Rylee slurred with a lopsided grin.
Anders cocked an eye brow as he stood up. "Ah, hi yourself. What are you doing here?"
"Oh, w-well, we were just out for an evening s-stroll and Darktown is l-lovely this time of night, don't you think?" Rylee was apparently doing her best to sound casual.
"Have you been drinking?" Anders asked.
Isabela chortled. "I a-always knew you were the observant o-one in the g-group."
"Um, well, the r-reason I'm here is… ah, by chance, did a messenger deliver something to you?" Rylee asked.
"Yes, it was delivered just before you got here," Anders said as he reached back and picked up the letter.
"Y-yes, well, I'm going to need that back," Rylee firmly said. Well, as firmly as one could be when you were three sheets to the wind.
Anders tilted his head and smirked at her. "Why is that?"
"Well… um… I've changed my mind about it." Rylee walked closer to him, wobbling slightly on her feet.
"You paid a messenger handsomely to deliver this to me late at night and now you've changed your mind?"
"I'm a woman! It's my pre-per-rero... prerogative."
Anders grinned at her as he teasingly waved the letter in front of her face. "Now, what could this letter possibly say that would bring you all the way down to Darktown at this hour retrieve it?"
"Well, n-nothing you need to see t-tonight," Rylee said.
"Look, mage, just give the lady back her letter," Isabela said threateningly as she, too, moved closer to Anders.
"Her letter? It's now in my possession, so it is my letter," Anders said.
He saw both of them lung at him and he froze them from the waist down. They both cried out, more from the shock of the cold than because they were in pain. He had made the spell strong enough to hold them, but not cause any damage. Besides, they both were so drunk he would be surprised if they felt anything at all.
He opened the letter. As he scanned it and realized it was poem, a huge grin spread across his face. He cleared his throat as he began to read out loud: "Anders, your skin glows like a peach blossom, sweet as Andraste's grace in the purest hope of spring." He looked up at Rylee, whose face was now three shades of deep red. "Have I ever told how much I love peaches?" he grinned mischievously at her, "I could eat a peach for hours."
She reddened even more. "When I get out of this, I am seriously going to hurt you."
"Why? I think this is so sweet. Here, let me continue. 'My heart follows your harmonious voice and leaps like a nug at the whisper of your name. The evening floats in on a high dragon's wings and I am comforted by your image that I carry into the Fade and hold next to my lips.'" He paused and looked into her eyes. "Do you really carry my image into the Fade with you?"
She didn't reply. Instead, she just looked at him with embarrassment and longing.
He leaned in and whispered, "Because you're all I dream about when I'm in the Fade."
Her eyes lit up and a smile caressed her lips. "You do?"
He smiled lovingly at her. "Yes, I do." He looked over at Isabela, who had somehow managed to pass out while frozen in place. He walked over to the pirate, unfroze her, picked her up, and laid her down on a cot. He then walked back over to Rylee. "I'll unfreeze you if you promise not to try to tear my poem away from me."
She nodded and he unfroze her. Then he he put an arm around her and led her over to his cot. They both sat down beside each other, and then Anders continued reading out loud. "I am filled with hope that I have been able to dry your tears of wine. As my breasts heave and my panties fall willingly at the thought of your shaft, in the quiet of the night, I imagine the moan that I one day hope to hear tumble from your lips."
"What? It doesn't say that!" Rylee said.
Anders chuckled. "Yes, it does right here. Don't you even remember what you wrote?"
"Yes, I remember and I didn't write…" She paused and glared over at the sleeping pirate. "Damn her, she must have added that when I went to the privy chamber."
Anders snickered. "What a shame! I rather like the idea of your breasts heaving and your panties willingly falling off at the thought of my shaft."
Once again, Rylee's cheeks blushed. It was so unlike her to be unnerved over the topic of sex that he found it extremely charming.
"Well, let me finish this fascinating poem. 'My heated wet thigh leaps to my taut nipples as they yearn for your mouth. I wait in the moonlight for your secret slope so that we may glide as one, thigh to thigh, in search of the magnificent red and mystical mountaintop of love.'"
"I'm going to kill her." Rylee groaned as she buried her head in her hands.
"That wasn't yours either?" Anders asked, trying to hide his disappointment.
"No! My wording was a bit more elegant," she said as her hands fell away and she looked over at him.
"Oh, and do you recall what you said?"
Her lips twitched and he noticed her hands shake. "Well, you seemed to like Isabela's version, so why don't we just stick with that."
He grasped her hands in his. "I want to hear what you wrote, not what Isabela wrote."
She paused for a long moment then she found her confidence. She looked directly into his eyes and her gaze never wavered as she finished the poem. "Candles flick their flame, while your musky scent seems to drive my lust for you insane. You are the heat of my desire, I long to taste the sweetness of your neck, further igniting this raging fire. I yearn to whisper words of love, as you answer with a sigh and your body comes alive, fitting mine like a glove."
Now it was his turn for his hands to tremble, his heart was pounding, his head spinning, and his emotions were singing. He brought her hands to his lips and pressed tiny kisses onto them. "I like your version much better. I'm glad you wrote it and I'm thrilled that you actually sent it. I can't begin to tell you how deeply your words have affected me, Ry. I need you to know that I feel exactly the same way about you."
He leaned toward her as she inclined her head up towards him. Just as he was about to finally taste the sweetness of her lips, Isabela cried out in her sleep, "Damn you, that's my ship!" A reminder that they weren't alone, even if it was with a passed out pirate, and it was enough to break the spell.
Anders tucked a loose hair behind her ear and kissed her forehead. "I don't think that Isabela is any condition to be moved. Let me make up an extra cot for you to sleep in tonight."
"Thank you, Anders."
After he had made up the bed, he kissed her forehead then her cheek. He hesitated, and then brushed a soft kiss against her lips. He honestly didn't trust himself to do more than that. "Good night, Ry."
"Good night, Anders," she said softly as she curled up under the covers.
xxXxx
Through the haze, Anders scrutinized her from the recesses of his mind while Justice guided her through the Fade. When they traveled together outside the Fade, Anders was always aware of her presence, her movements, but he rarely ever had the time to study her in action. Maker, she was a sight to behold. She was grace, beauty and poise all rolled into one very deadly package as she elegantly danced around her enemies dealing death with every blow.
Justice had been shocked at how willingly she had accepted his presence and stunned by how truly beautiful she was. As the passenger, there was a murkiness to the way that Justice saw and heard her. Seeing her now through Anders clear vision the spirit could plainly see why the mage was infatuated with her. She was a vision and way she handled herself was inspiring.
Once they had defeated all of the demons and Rylee had convinced Feynriel that he needed to further his training and knowledge in Tevinter she turned to him and placed her hand on his arm. She smiled warmly at him, "Thank you, Justice."
He raised an eyebrow, "What are you thanking me for?"
"You were the only one of my friends that did not betray me and desert me. I appreciate your loyalty. It means a great deal to me," she said in such a tender voice, his heart leapt in his chest.
"Now, you see and feel what I do on a daily basis. I'll bit my tongue and won't say I told you so."
"You just did."
"Hmm, so I did."
"As long as you fight for the good and freedom of all mages I will always remain faithful," Justice replied.
"I am not a mage, but I have lost both my father and sister to the injustices of the Circle. Their plight is my plight and I will always fight for their freedoms," Rylee said defensively.
"I meant no offense, my Lady. You have been a trusted friend and advisor to Anders. I might not always agree with your counsel, but I know that you have Anders best interests at heart," Justice replied.
"Which bit of counsel do you disagree with?"
"That the two of you can be more than just friends, surely you can see that isn't possible…for either one of you," Justice explained.
"Justice, shut the hell up. You have no right interfering in this."
"Oh I have every right. The whole reason we merged was to concentrate on the mage's plight. She is a distraction, but more importantly you will bring her nothing but pain."
"That isn't true!"
"If you were honest with yourself, you would realize I speak the truth."
"And what is wrong with being more than friends? We both care about each other very deeply, we find comfort and support in each other. Why is that so wrong?" Rylee asked.
"Because you distract him from his path, he needs to concentrate on the mages before anything else, but you cloud his mind and jumble up his emotions. You are an unnecessary complication," Justice stated matter-of-factly. She stumbled back slightly as if he had slapped her.
"Stop it! You're hurting her needlessly."
"I am doing what you cannot bring yourself to do."
"You're the reason that Anders stayed away from me for almost three years," Rylee stated.
"Yes, I am. I'm sorry that caused you pain, but that pain is nothing compared to the agony that he could bring you," Justice replied.
Her eyebrows furrowed. "You can't see the future; you have no right to make such a prediction and Anders can't live his life based on unfounded assumptions!"
"I know where he must head and that path will only break your heart. Please heed my warning, Rylee, he will only break your heart," Justice declared.
Rylee perched her lips and paused for a moment before she replied. "Justice, thank you for your concern; I do appreciate it, but I'm going to have to kindly ask you to butt out of my friendship with Anders. Wherever our relationship is headed is between him and me. Now, I do believe that Feynriel's mother is waiting to speak with us."
She spun on her heels and passed through the Fade door. Before Justice followed her Anders yelled, "That is sound advice. You need to heed her warning!"
xxXxx
Anders rushed into his clinic, frustrated, angry, and scared. He threw his staff against the wall and let out a cry of aggravation. Tonight had been the first time in years that Justice had taken complete control of him and used his body to hand out his own form of retribution. There had been something different about Justice tonight...a righteous fury that he hadn't felt since that night in the Chantry when he had discovered what they had done to Karl. Tonight, Justice wanted to deliver what he considered justifiable vengeance, but he had been wrong and if Rylee hadn't been there...
Justice, I… we almost killed that young mage because you overpowered me with your need for vengeance. Maker, the way she looked at me! As if I was just as much of monster as Alrik.
That mage was already cowing to those templars wills… she was already their puppet and once she was made tranquil, she would be used by them to corrupt other mages!
She is an innocent. She is the type of mage we are supposed to be helping. She cowed to them because of fear of what they would do to her, not because she was their puppet. We need to show the innocent and naïve mercy not cruelty.
Mercy is for the weak!
You're wrong! It takes greater strength to show mercy than to react with ruthlessness and vengeance. Anyone can take a life in the heat of the moment through anger and claim it's retribution, but it takes true strength of will to take the difficult path and apply wisdom and mercy.
You're beginning to think like her! No good can come from that. She is an idealist. She has romantic notions about the world and how to change it.
Again, you're wrong! She is practical and realistic when she needs to be, but she refuses to only see the dark side of man and that is all you seem to see.
That is because man is inherently evil!
Anders let out a frustrated cry. He noticed a pile of discarded bandages, gauze, and tape. He bent down to clean it up. His own horror at what he had almost done overwhelmed him. He couldn't concentrate on anything accept the task at hand.
"Trash… trash… keep… trash…"
"Anders," a soft voice came from behind him.
He looked over his shoulder and saw Rylee squatting behind him. She had left everyone else behind and she was alone with him, which was good because he didn't think he could stand to face the others just then. He pivoted to face her and she clasped his hands in hers.
"Anders, how can I help you?"
"I don't deserve your help. I deserve to be put down like the beast that I am," Anders said with a groan.
She reached forward to stroke his cheek, but he grasped her hand before she could touch him. "I don't deserve to be consoled by you. You are the only thing that stopped me from slaughtering that poor innocent g-girl," he choked out before his emotions overwhelmed him and he buried his head in his hands.
She fell on her knees in front of him and pulled him into her embrace. Maker, he immediately found comfort and forgiveness in her arms. "Anders, you didn't hurt her. You heard me and you stopped yourself before it was too late."
He leaned further into her, finding strength in her calm demeanor. "Ry, how can I fight for the freedom of mages when I am the example of the worst those freedoms can bring? How can I trust myself to heal someone when there is a possibility that Vengeance might come out and harm them? "
She pulled back from him and touched the center of his chest. "Anders, you're a good man, you have a good heart… a healer's heart. You must never forget that is who you truly are. Justice is a small part of who you are and it's up to you how much control you give him. If you feed his need for vengeance, then you're right, it will consume you. But nourish the healer in you then compassion and mercy will always be stronger and will prevail over him."
Anders clasped her hand that still rested on his chest. "What did I ever do to deserve a friend like you?"
She smiled at him. "What can I say? I'm a sucker for handsome men that are both caring and lovable."
Anders smiled sheepishly, still not feeling that he deserved any of her admiration. "I don't know about all of that, but thank you. You are my anchor in this storm."
She smiled, leaned in, kissed his cheek , and then stood up. She handed him some papers. "I found these on Alrik. I think you might find them interesting. It looks like this crazy Tranquil Solution was completely his idea and his alone."
Anders scanned over the parchment and was stunned. "The D-divine and Meredith both rejected the idea. Maker, maybe they are more responsible than I assumed. Perhaps I should talk with the Grand Cleric."
"I would be happy to go with you when you talk with the Grand Cleric."
Anders raised an eyebrow. "Don't trust me to be alone with Her Grace?"
"That isn't it at all and you know it. I just thought maybe two voices raising the same issues might get her attention more than just one."
"You're right, it probably would. I would love for you to be the voice of reason when I go see her."
"Let me know when you plan on going and I would be happy to accompany you. Well, I need to get home. I promised Mother I would try to spend more time at home and show up more often for dinner. Would you care to join us this evening for dinner?"
Anders shook his head. "Thank you for the offer, but I don't think I would make very good company right now."
"Okay." She leaned again and kissed his cheek, engulfing him with her comforting scent of vanilla and lavender. "Take care of yourself, Anders."
"You, too, Rylee."
Anders spent the rest of the day seeing patients and revising his manifesto to present to the Grand Cleric. He felt his Warden's appetite kick in as his stomach growled loudly. He now wished he had taken Rylee up on her offer for dinner. Her mother was an excellent cook and he really could use a decent meal. He heard the cat that he had been feeding cry, he stood up and fixed a saucer of milk. He had just bent down to place the bowl on the ground when the most delicious smell wafted into the clinic.
"What are you doing?" her sweet voice questioned from behind him.
"I miss having a cat. There is a stray around here that I try to feed when I hear it," Anders said as he stood up to face her. Maker, she looked beautiful. Her long, dark mahogany curls were down and loose around face. She wore a tight, red linen shirt with brown figure-hugging pants. She looked good enough to eat, even better than the large pot that she held in her hands that smelled divine.
"Maybe I could get you a cat," she suggested.
"No, I wouldn't do that. I would be afraid it would get eaten down here."
Rylee raised an eyebrow. "Well ,that isn't a very appetizing thought." Anders' stomach growled loud enough for her to hear it, making her chuckle. "Or maybe it is."
He laughed. "No, it's not, but whatever you have in that pot is mouth watering."
She smiled and gestured for the table. He took a seat as she set the container down. "My mother made this wonderful chicken and rice casserole, but there was so much left over that there was no way we would finish it before it went bad. I thought you might like it. I know you said you weren't up for company, so I thought I would just drop it off for you."
"Thank you. That was very thoughtful of you, but please stay. I would love the company."
"Okay, I would enjoy that." She grabbed one of his bowls and ladles out a large helping of the casserole then poured both of them a glass of wine.
"Food and wine, if I didn't know any better, I would think that you were trying to win your way into my heart through my stomach," Anders said.
"Oh? I thought I already had your heart."
Anders blushed. "Oh, you won that a long time ago, my dear friend." A sad smile flickered across her face. "Why the sad smile?"
She was quiet for a long moment as if picking her words carefully. "Just thinking about regrets. About how I've handled things in the past and what I would have done differently."
"Any regret in particular or just in general?"
"Just one," she said quietly.
"And what one would that be?" Anders asked as his heart began to race for some unknown reason as he waited in anticipation for her answer.
She bit at her bottom lip as she thought over her response then she looked up at him before she stood up and paced around the room. She paused in front of him and looked at him with a tender expression. "Regretting the onethat I let get away."
Anders' heart was now beating out of control and he stood up in front of her, but before he could say anything, she asked, "Do you remember when I said that I had never given my heart way?"
Anders nodded. "Yes, I found it very sad that someone so beautiful on the inside as well as the outside had never experienced the joy of being in love."
"Well, that wasn't quite true. The first man that I ever loved was my father. He was brilliant, loving, and kind. At his own peril, he befriended a templar named Ser Bryant to train me with swords so that I could remain true to my word and protect Bethany. I watched the best man I've ever known be slain by a renegade templar. My heart d-died that d-day," she said as her voice broke.
Anders gently pressed his hand to the center of her chest. He could feel her heart as it beat wildly against his hand and he gazed tenderly into her eyes. "I hope that one day you will give me the opportunity to heal your heart the way that you have healed mine."
Rylee raised her hand and pressed it against Anders' chest. "Don't you realize you already have?"
The warmth of her hand pressed against him sent a flame of desire coursing through his body, but it was her words that caused his breath to hitch. "What are you saying?"
She stepped closer to him. "I never thought I would give my heart away because I never thought I would meet a man that was as kind, compassionate, or loving as my father, and then I met you. You changed everything, Anders."
Anders closed his eyes as he tried to gain control of himself. He burned desperately for her as his need grew out of control, but he had to try one last time to make her see reason. "Rylee, Justice was right. When he told you in the Fade that I would only break your heart."
"Justice is a wise spirit, Anders, but not not even Justice can predict the future. You can only break my heart if you make the conscious effort to do so. Is that something you would do to me?"
"It's not something I would ever want to do, but I don't know what the future holds. I don't know where Justice will lead me and the fight for the mages...it must always come first. He will never let it take second place even to you...and you deserve so much more than that."
She reached up and gently stroked his cheek. Her touch sent an electric charge coursing through him. "Anders, you're all I want. Your fight is my fight, your plight is my plight. You aren't fighting this battle alone. I am with you, fighting this war with you."
She doesn't know what she is committing to, Anders. She doesn't understand the extreme measures that I am willing for us to take to end the injustices that are being done to the mages.
Her sister is mage, she has fought to protect her sister and her father all of her life. She understand what she is committing to.
How can she understand it when you have yet to fully grasp what needs to be done.
Stop! Not now, you aren't going to ruin this moment.
Anders grasped her hand in his, "I have tried to hold back, to resist and fight what I have felt for you for years and the only reason that I have been able to endure the pain of not having you is because you have never been one to tease or taunt me with what I so desperately yearn to take, but if you keep talking like that I won't be able to resist...I won't be able to be a gentleman for much longer."
"I don't want you to be a gentleman. I want you to take what you—"
His resolve broke and she didn't have to tell him twice. His lips cut her off in mid-sentence as he ran his fingers through her hair to the nape of her neck, pulling her to him so that his mouth could finally claim hers with all the hunger and urgency that had built up between them over the past several years. Holding her, kissing her, the very smell of her inundated his senses. His head began to spin as his groin tightened with desire. She ran her tongue along his lower lip, begging for admittance, which he happily granted. Maker, she felt and tasted better than anything he had experienced before. He fed from her sweetness as he absorbed her essence into his very soul.
He spun her around against the wall and pressed her back into it. "Oh, M-maker, Ry, I want… I need you so badly." He moaned just before his lips captured hers again. He devoured her mouth as he pressed his groin against her core, causing her to moan his name. He loved the sound of his name falling from her lips. Her tongue darted into his mouth and danced against his like a velvet flame that burned so hot, yet so sweet through his entire body.
He gently pulled away from her and longingly gazed into her eyes. "This is going to be a disaster, but now that I've tasted your sweet lips I need to savor the rest of you. Tonight, I want all of you...I must have all of you, but you have to know that if you are with me that we will be hunted, hated, and the whole world will be against us. I'm giving you one last chance to change your mind."
"I'm used to the world being against me and hunting me. I protected my father and sister for years. I don't care about any of that, I just want you, Anders. I've lived without you long enough." She leaned into him and whispered against his lips, "I need you, I want you, and I love you."
He growled as he grabbed the hair at the nape of her neck, forcing her to look at him. "Do you know how long I have fantasized about hearing those words uttered from your lips?"
She shook her head. "For over three years, I have ached for you, yearned to tell you how much I loved you, longed to know if you could possibly feel the same for me. Hearing you say those three little words fall from your lips made me the happiest man alive. I will come to you tonight. You have to till then to change your mind. I pray for both of us that you will listen to my warning."
"There is no turning back now, love. I couldn't, even if I wanted to," she said against his lips. He pulled her back to him and brought his lips to hers. A hot, burning sensation raged through him as his tongue slipped once again into her mouth and her soft silky tongue intertwined with his. A low moan escaped from her lips and he felt a surge of lust between his legs.
"You need to go, before I take you right here, and this is not the place I want our first time together to be," he said with a groan.
She smiled, kissed his lips again, and turned to go. "I'll see you soon."
He watched her leave and his heart sang.
Anders, don't do this.
I'm tired of fighting my need for her... my love for her. I want peace and she is the only one who can provide the solace that I so desperately crave.
There can be no peace; there can be no rest until every mage has the basic freedoms that are given to even the lowest citizen. Peace will only make you lazy and complacent.
Freedom for every mage, you ask too much; you dream too large. I am but one man...
Together, Anders, we can accomplish much. Together we can change the world, but you must not give into your desire for her. She is the distraction that you do not need.
She already is a distraction. She is all that I think about, all that I dream about. She is everywhere I look, smell, and touch... satisfying this hunger is the only way to regain my focus.
You're wrong, Anders. She is different. Feasting from her will only make you more ravenous.
Then I'm willing to spend the rest of my life trying to satisfy my hunger with her.
Then you will damn her and us with one action!
A/N- A big hugs and thank you to the betalicious Jinx1983 and betatabulous Mackillian for working their magic on this chapter. You two are awesome and I can't thank you enough!
*Thank you to everyone that has added this story to their alert and favs list. I also want to thank everyone that took the time to review. I love hearing your thoughts and I hope that you will continue to share them with me.