Kyle could be so insecure at times. Throughout the wedding ceremony, he kept poking Stan in his bad arm asking if Stan was totally sure his hat was in fact not stupid. Stan kept whispering to his friend it was an awesome hat and Kyle had absolutely nothing to worry about. Christ, it was as if they really were a married couple, even though that stupid egg project had ended Friday. Stan was so annoyed at Kyle bugging him he had snapped at Wendy when the wedding ceremony was over. But it was almost worth it to see her so pissed off, but he felt a twinge of sadness as she stomped across the reception and grabbed Token's hand. Whatever, Wendy was a bitch and even though she did look really cute in that pink dress, he didn't need her.
It was a historic day for the town of South Park, but the meaning was lost on Stan and Kyle, whatever they had done for gay marriage rights. Either way the entire town had been invited to the wedding of Mr. Slave and Big Gay Al. That meant Broflovskis and Marshes had shown up as well, the wedding had an open bar after all. Kyle was lucky though; his family would be leaving early because the entire family would be traveling to Denver to check out some science museum, something a big dork like Kyle would be really excited about. Stan's family usually just went camping or hunting. But this meant Kyle would be gone the rest of the weekend. Stan didn't need Wendy, but he did need Kyle around or he was really lonely otherwise, even if Kyle was being a pain in the ass right now.
"No really Kyle, your hat is fine dude." Stan said for the hundredth time.
"Are you sure about that Stan?" Kyle asked, touching the brim of it.
Stan rolled his eyes as he passed a table with a tray of food at the reception. he picked up a shrimp skewer with his good hand and twirled it around. He hated seafood usually…wait he stopped eating it because Wendy had gotten to him about the suffering of dolphins being caught in nets or something. Fuck, at this point he should love seafood. Stan shoved the shrimp in his mouth and scanned the reception crowd for a flash of pink, purple and black, not really paying attention to Kyle's whining.
"Yeah dude, I'm sure." Stan said with his mouth full.
Kyle crossed his arms. "What if I don't believe you?"
"Then don't believe me! See if I care." Stan shrugged.
"Stop being a dick to me Stan, I thought you were over this Wendy business."
"THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WENDY!" Stan yelled. Across the room he caught her eye, and she gave him a death glare and turned back to the Token.
"Like hell it doesn't Stan, you always get that look on your face and give me attitude when you're trying to not to think about her. It's making you totally lame." Kyle said.
"You're the one going on about your stupid hat Kyle!" Stan said, expatriated.
Kyle pouted. "So, you're saying my hat IS stupid?"
Stan nosebridgepinched. Not this again. "Kyle, it's not the hat that's stupid, it's the fact that you won't stop obsessing over it!"
"Oh, like what you're doing with Wendy?" Kyle shot back.
"What? No, I'm not. This is completely different!"
Kyle crossed his arms. "I don't see a difference."
"Really Kyle, you don't see a difference between my ex-girlfriend and your hat?" Stan deadpanned.
"Well in my defense, you've had Wendy since the middle of third grade while I've had my hat since before preschool and at least I still have it!"
Stan stood open mouthed at his best friend's remark while Kyle smirked and looked up behind him.
"It looks like my dad is calling me. It's probably time to leave. I'll see you in school on Monday dude and think about what I said, Stan. There are other girls out there." Kyle patted his friend on the arm and ran off.
Stan stood dumbfounded for a moment. He considered going back to the snack table but saw Wendy over there and quickly turned in the opposite direction. This whole wedding, he was forced to go to was fucking stupid anyway. His sprained elbow ached, and he felt stuffy and uncomfortable in his good suit. Jesus Christ he never had to wear it this long for any of Kenny's funerals!
Speaking of Kenny, he'd said his family would show up saying his parents would never turn down a free bar. Stan figured the wedding would be more bearable if he had a friend to talk to. Kenny and Cartman were absent, even stupid Butters would be a welcome sight right about now. Stan saw his mother sitting at a table and went to join her, plopping down in his seat with a dramatic sigh.
"Mom, can we go?" Stan asked.
"Go? It's barely been an hour into the reception. They haven't even cut the cake yet, Stanley." Sharon said, sipping from her rather large glass.
"But I'm bored mom, I have no friends here!" Stan complained.
"Now Stanley it's because you and your little friend Kyle that this day could happen, and I've never had a cucumber margarita before." Sharon took another gulp.
"What did we do, mom?" Stan asked again, still confused at everyone congratulating him and Kyle along with the groom and groom.
Sharon just laughed and took a big gulp of her drink. "Go hang out with your sister Stanley, I like seeing my children get along."
Stan sighed, his arm and head were already sore enough. The reception was being held at the South Park Country Club. While people were happily conversing and getting drunk out on the fancy dining hall, Stan decided to sneak to the front desk, asking to use the courtesy phone. He quickly dialed Kenny's phone number.
Across town the McCormick family's single landline phone started to ring. Kenny, in his own powder blue suit, was happily watching his mother smack his father in the back of the head with her stripper heel stiletto, the same heels she wore to church.
"Someone get that goddamn phone!" His father screamed as he tried to fight back with a cinderblock, he yanked off the family's homemade bookshelf, causing a stack of Playboys to fall on the floor.
After a giggle fit and quick rock paper scissors game with his older brother and younger sister, which Kenny lost, he tore himself away from his family's main source of entertainment and picked up the phone.
"Hello?"
"Kenny, where are you?" Stan snapped.
"I'm still at home, man. My mom can't find her other dress shoe and is taking it out on my dad. It's hilarious dude, you have to watch them go at it sometime!" Kenny laughed.
"Well, the ceremony is over, and I'm bored out of my mind at the reception. Come here and keep me company dude."
Stan could hear Kenny laughing hysterically on the other end and mentioning to someone he won his bet and to pay up with Miss February and Miss August when he was hit with an idea.
"Hey, Kenny since this party sucks so much ass do you think you can get out of not coming and we can do something else while our families are busy?"
Kenny grinned as his prize was handed over by his brother. They always took bets on who would win in fights between their parents. Kenny always bet on his mother and as a result his Playboy collection was a lot bigger than his brother's. "Sure dude, I doubt my parents would even miss me there. They're more concerned about something else at the wedding. Is the booze really is free?"
"Yeah, I guess, I already saw my mom and dad arguing over who gets to drive home. At this point they might make Shelly do it again. I really don't want to be around for that. Wanna meet up somewhere or what?" Stan asked again, curling the phone cord around his fingers.
Kenny opened Miss August's centerfold and was eyeing the goods. "Come here and we can figure it out from there, I have to…do something important in the time it'll take you to get here."
"Alright dude, bye!" Stan said, quickly hanging up.
He went back into the dining hall where he was met with his father in the middle of a drunken conversation with Officer Barbrady.
"So, if I drink about three more beers then do you think I'll be over the limit officer?" Randy slurred.
"I don't know Mr. Marsh; we'd need to give you a breathalyzer for that." Barbrady said.
"Oh cool! Let me finish off this round and we can go to your car, and I can do that. It'll be totally cool, SHARON HEY SHARON." Randy yelled as he stumbled across the dance floor, bumping into a few couples dancing.
Stan decided not to even bother saying he was leaving, the whole situation just spelled disaster. Jesus Christ, his dad was going to get arrested again. Well, the last time it was worth it, he'd be safe from being stuck playing baseball for until the next summer. Stan just simply walked out of there and headed towards Kenny's neighborhood. He figured it'd be about a half hour walk if he took his time.