Chapter 12

"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch, and it's bringing me out the dark

Finally I can see you crystal clear, go ahead and sell me out and I'll lay your ship bare

See how I'll leave with every piece of you, don't underestimate the things that I will do

There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch, and it's bringing me out the dark

The scars of your love remind me of us, they keep me thinking that we almost had it all

The scars of your love, they leave me breathless, I can't help feeling, we could have had it all

Rolling in the deep, (Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

You had my heart inside of your hand, (You're gonna wish you never had met me)

And you played it to the beat, (Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)"

Rolling in the Deep by Adele

Anders thought about those last days leading up to the destruction of the Chantry. The tension and the stress between the two of them had been palpable. Rylee, who was the most patient person he had ever known, had been on edge ever since she had come back from helping Merrill. Anders half-heartedly had asked her about it, but she had given him a curt reply that she wouldn't want her troubles to distract him from his precious mission. Her words had stung because they had hit their mark perfectly. If he had been a true partner to her, he would have pressed her for details, but his agenda... Justice's agenda was the only thing that the Spirit would allow him to concentrate on. He had only found out what had been weighing on her mind by sheer happenstance.

He had left the clinic late one night and stopped by the Hanged Man to deliver some stamina and healing potions to Varric. Merrill was in a corner with Isabela and Maker's breath, the tiny elf was drunk. He had only seen Merrill drunk once before and that had not been a pretty picture the next day. Anders had every intention of not getting involved as he headed for the stairs to Varric's room, but as he passed by their table Merrill reached out and clasped his arm.

"A-anders, please, I beg of you, please tell her, I'm s-so sorry. I never meant for any of that to happen. P-please tell her, make her f-forgive me," Merrill pleaded.

The utter confusion must have shown on his face. Isabela jeered at him. "Kitten, the self-absorbed prick doesn't have a clue what you're even talking about. Rylee's problems and anguish is no longer the apostate's concern, even though he committed himself to her as her life partner. I hope for Rylee's sake it's a short life for you."

Anders glared at Isabela as he yanked his arm out of Merrill's grasp. "I'll let her know, Merrill."

Andraste's tits what the hell had happened that Merrill would be drunk and begging for Rylee's forgiveness? And if it was bad enough for Merrill to be buried face down in a pint, what was this doing to Rylee?

That is not our concern!

Shut up!

I'm serious, Anders. Whatever is going on between Rylee and Merrill is not our concern. We have bigger things to concern ourselves with.

I know the fact that the woman I love is in pain is of no concern to you, but I love her and if she is hurting, it brings me pain too.

Oh really? You have been hurting her for years now. You have been slowly killing her and that didn't concern you. You weren't man enough to walk away from her when you could have saved her from all of this heartache, even though that is what would have been best for her. So, why should the fact that she is in a tiff with the elf trouble you now? Stop being such a hypocrite.

Shut up! I am truly beginning to hate you!

Good, then we are making progress. Now focus that rage on something more important than that rogue you live with.

Anders entered Varric's room and sat at the table with the dwarf. "I brought you the potions you requested."

Varric stared down at his ale, "Thanks, Blondie. I appreciate it. Hawke hasn't been around much lately and we could really use them for the trip to the Bone Pit tomorrow."

"Rylee hasn't been here at nights with you? Where has she been?"

Varric raised an eyebrow, "She's your life partner, shouldn't you know that?"

Jealousy and suspicion coursed through him as Justice filled Anders' head with unwanted images. Anders ignored the question and asked, "What is going on with Rylee and Merrill?"

"Some partner you're turning out to be, Blondie. Don't you think you should ask Rylee about this?"

"I'm not blind, Varric, or so self-centered that I haven't noticed that Rylee has been upset. I have asked her about it, but she refuses to open up about it. So now I'm asking you. Please tell me what is going on."

"Well, if you had gone to Sundermount when Rylee had begged you to accompany her, you would have known that in order to save Merrill, Keeper Marethari became an abomination, so we had to kill her, the clan retaliated for the death of their Keeper and attacked us… when it was over, not one member with the exception of Merrill remained standing. Rylee took the destruction of a Dalish clan very personnel. She is very angry at Merrill for placing her in that position, but more importantly, I believe Rylee blames herself for not truly taking Merrill's little hobby as seriously as she should have."

Anders sat back in the chair as the air was sucked out of his lungs. Maker's breath, this explained so much. Rylee had a deep respect for the Dalish and their ways. She had shared several long conversations with Marethari about the Dalish, Merrill and their way of life. The two of them had even had Dalish tattoos added on the small of their backs that read, Ai eis tia shaelylaer'm eil tia shaelylaerair toli. Anders knew this had to be eating at her very soul and he had been too self-absorbed to even recognize the pain she had to be in.

Anders stood, "Thank you, Varric. I appreciate it."

Varric studied him for a long time. "Blondie, I don't know what is going with you and truth be told I don't want to know. For years now, you have caused my best friend an extraordinary amount of pain and I have said nothing because Rylee has made it clear to all of us that it isn't any of our business. However, I will say this, if you love her at all anymore, help her. It's this kind of senseless act of annihilation that could destroy the Hawke that I know and love."

"I know my actions recently haven't demonstrated my love for Rylee, but Varric, please know that I still love her deeply. She is everything to me."

"Actions speak louder than words. Help her, Blondie."

"I will."

When Anders arrived back at the estate, Bodahn greeted him at the front door. Anders inquired about Rylee's whereabouts and the dwarf informed him that she was in the garden. Anders found that surprising, considering the chill that was in the air tonight. He made his way out to the side entrance and paused as his eyes adjusted to the light. He faintly heard a voice singing. He followed the sound to the center of the garden where he saw Rylee sitting under the large oak tree. In her hand she held a single rose as she sang a Dalish song.

"Melava inan enansal, ir su araval tu elvaral, u na emma abelas, in elgar sa vir mana, in tu setheneran din emma na. Lath sulevin, lath araval ena, arla ven tu vir mahvir, melana 'nehn enasal ir sa lethalin."

Anders watched her with fascination as his heart swelled with love for her; he ached for her, not just physically, but emotionally. Seeing her now, with her guard down, he realized he missed her terribly. He yearned to be held in her embrace, to find solace in her arms, but in order to do what Justice was requiring him to do, he had to pull back from her and put distance between them. It was slowly killing both of them, but he had no choice, and the fact that she had never faltered in her dedication to him; that she held onto this undeserved devotion, an unconditional love for him, was inspiring and frightening.

It was for those reasons he wouldn't tell her of his plans even when she had angrily confronted him about why he needed her help to get into the Chantry. She wasn't naïve and she knew that Anders was up to something, but even as she threatened and ranted at him, he refused to involve her any more than was necessary. He would be the only one to die for his crimes, not her. It would be bad enough that some would find her guilty by association, but once she executed him, that would eliminate those suspicions.

As she sang the next stanza, he memorized her beautiful face, the way her hair blew gently in the breeze, the sparkle in her eyes as the moonlight danced off of them. It was this image that he would hold onto as he drew his last breaths before she would be forced to take his life.

When she had finished, he stepped out of the shadows to approach her. "That was beautiful," Anders said softly.

She jumped at his sudden appearance. He smiled at her, "I'm sorry, Love, I didn't mean to frighten you."

His sudden emergence immediately made her anxious and apprehensive and the fact that he had this kind of effect on her demeanor caused his heart to grieve for all that they had lost. Over the past several years, as he pulled away from her and buried himself in his manifesto and the mage underground, they had numerous fights about the distance that he was placing between them. Both of them were passionate people and some of those arguments at times been violent. They had never physically harmed each other, but they had done serious damage to the environment around them. After those battles, Anders would leave and not return home for days, which of course pleased Justice to no end, but then his need for her would overpower him and he would always returned to her, even though he knew for her sake it would best if he left her for good. However, he was a weak man and he needed her as much as he needed air, food and water to live. The past year of their relationship had been the most destructive and he secretly hoped that she would have the strength to end their unhealthy and detrimental affair, but she had absolutely refused to let him go. Even when he cried in her arms and begged her to, she refused to let him slide into the mental abyss that was trying to claim him.

What they had once shared had been so incredibly beautiful, it had been a rare, precious gift and he hoped that once she got over the pain of being betrayed, that she would remember and treasure the memories of the exceptional love that they had shared.

He sat down beside her and took her hand in his. "What does the song mean?"

She hesitated, unsure how to react to seeing the kind, gentle hearted man she loved. "The song is about enduring and emerging from sorrow. The elves tie it to their loss of their ancient lands, but it can be adapted to personal struggles, as well."

Anders brought her hand to his mouth and brushed his lips across them. Then he tenderly slid his hand out of hers, turned her palm to him and pressed his lips against the sensitive side of her hand. A shudder ran through her and he smiled at the knowledge that he still somehow had that affect on her. "With all that you have been through lately, Love, it is a very appropriate song."

She looked up at him with questioning eyes. "Varric told me what happened on Sundermount. I am so sorry. I know you blame yourself for this, but you have to know, you aren't to blame."

"I annihilated an entire clan to the point of extinction," Rylee cried out as her tears began to flow.

Anders pulled her into his arms and kissed the top of her forehead. "As much as I respect Marethari as mage, she did a very foolish thing and in the process condemned Merrill and her entire clan. You only reacted to someone else's unwise decision."

Anders held her tightly against him as she grieved in his arms. Eventually, she pulled away and looked at him. His eyes fell on her soft, full mouth and his lips tingled from the memory of her lips touching his. He couldn't remember the last time they had been together, but for the first time in months, he felt something deep inside him stir to life. Something that he had buried under Justice's demands, but now was roaring to be heard.

Rylee tenderly reached up and caressed his cheek. Anders trembled beneath her loving touch as her fingers slid into his golden hair to the nape of his neck. He tightened his hold on her as her eyes filled with love and desire for him, but also apprehension as she waited for his rejection of her advances to come.

"Anders," she sighed in a pleading tone. His breathing had become heavier when he felt her body tremble with anticipation against his. "Anders, please don't pull away from me."

Anders stared at her rosy, velvety lips that were beckoning him like a siren's call, pleading with him to claim what was his. He wanted to feel her mouth against his, he needed to taste her once again and as the battle raged in his head, his desire to be with her, to be in her, to take comfort in her one last time, grew out of control.

"Kiss me, Anders," Rylee demanded.

Shame and guilt swept over him, he had no right to take comfort in Rylee, to offer her hope that he could be saved, because in a few short days her world would never be the same, but as her warm body pressed against his, he hungered for her as if he was a starved man that hadn't eaten in months. He stared at her and thought she never looked more beautiful or more desirable. She patiently waited for him to make a decision. This was one time she was not going to force her will, desires or needs on him, she wanted him to want her as desperately as she wanted him.

One last time he needed her, one last time he yearned to show her how much he loved her, one last time their souls needed to come together as one. Anders slammed the door shut on Justice in his mind and focused solely on the love of his life that was now entangled in his arms.

Anders lowered his face until his mouth was just inches away from hers, the warmth of her breath brushed his lips just before his mouth claimed hers. Boldly, he brushed his tongue against her lips, overwhelmed by his desire to taste her. Rylee moaned against his lips as her arms wrapped around his neck. He could feel the curves of her body through the thin night shirt and he felt her completely surrender to him as she moaned his name. Desire and hunger welled up in him as a delicious quiver spread through his entire body and manifesting with a painful throbbing in his groin.

Anders leapt to his feet, pulled her to him, and swept her into his arms. He carried her up to their bed chamber and spent the rest of the night giving her the most exquisite pleasure as he prepared to say good-bye to her.

xxXxx

Now Anders stared with growing dread at the Port of Amaranthine as Isabela guided the ship into the dock. It had been six weeks since the events of Kirkwall, and Rylee had insisted that the only safe place for Anders at the moment was under the protection of the Wardens, because the Order was so secretive, not even the Chantry was able to apply any type of strong control over them. If Lillah was willing to offer him shelter, the Wardens would be there safest haven until Rylee could figure out what to do next.

He glanced over at her detached face that had permanently become etched with pain… pain that he had caused her, and no matter how many times he apologized, he couldn't remove the anguish from her eyes. At least the rage that had burned there had diminished. He had seen her wrath delivered upon those that had committed heinous acts, but he never truly understood what the weight of her ire felt like until he had stared into her eyes after he destroyed the Chantry. The look she gave him was as painful as if she had delivered a crushing blow to his skull.

Her body seethed with fury at his betrayal, and he knew she had every right to hate him. He could still hear the crowd chanting for her to take his life and Anders watched as she wavered and trembled under the weight of the pressure of demanding throng. He had no doubt that in the end she would give the mob the recompense that they were demanding.

She looked at him with such anguish in her eyes, the hurt and betrayal flowed in the tears that carved a path down her dirt stained cheeks. "How could you?" Was all she could manage to ask.

"I love you, Rylee. I will love you till my last breath. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you, but this is bigger than us. The world needs to change and change will only occur when they realize that the way they treat mages is inhuman. Meredith so much as told both of us that I am only safe because of my association with you, but what happens when your credibility is no longer viewed valuable to her. Will they come steal me out of our bed in the middle of the night and make me tranquil to prove a point? What about the thousands of mages throughout Thedas that don't have someone like you to protect them? Is their fate supposed to be left to their cruel gatekeepers abuses with no one to give voice to their pain and suffering? I couldn't do it anymore, Ry. The world needs to see this and we all need to stop pretending that the circle is a solution. If I pay for my life than so be it."

He watched her chest rapidly rise and fall as she struggled with the enormity of this decision. Justice ranted in his head that she must do this final act, she must take their lives, but Anders remained silent as Rylee weighed all of her options. If the Spirit had just been patient and given her a few more minutes, Anders knew they would have achieved their goal, but in his restlessness, Justice made his fatal mistake and tried to take over his body. For a brief second his eyes must have flashed blue, but Anders managed to fight him off with the last bit of strength that he had.

However, that brief lapse of control wasn't short enough, Rylee's eyes suspiciously narrowed on him. She marched up to him and hissed, "You tell that fucking Spirit of yours that his plan failed. I refuse to give this pathetic excuse for rebellion a martyr to rally behind. You may deserve to die, but it won't be by my hand. Now, get on your feet Anders, and fight for the mages that your actions just condemned to death."

Anders had been in shock that she was going to let him live and fight by her side. Even when Sebastian had threatened both of their lives, she had in so many words had told the Prince of Starkhaven to sod off. She had rallied the troops inside the Gallows as they prepared for the final battle, Anders desperately wanted to pull her into his arms, hold her against him and tell her how much he loved her, how sorry he was that everything had turned out like this, but when he had looked into her eyes, the spark that had been Rylee was gone. What stared back at him now was hardened and dead. That look had killed him as surely as if she had driven a dagger through his heart.

His mind could barely formulate a thought and he managed to ramble on about wanting to be with her, but that they would be hunted and hated. Maker, he had sounded like a complete ass. She had just spared his life and in the process condemned herself and all he could think to talk about was free mages a hundred fucking years from now. Maker's balls, what was his problem? She had given him a defeated nod of agreement that she would remain by his side and before he could grab her and pull her into his arms, she had moved on to Isabela. He heard her making preparations with the pirate to leave Kirkwall immediately after the battle, if they survived.

That had been six weeks ago, and since that day she had barely said two words to him and she could no longer look him in the eye. The ocean size abyss that was now between them was slowly destroying him and as much as it pained him, he thought it might be better if he let her go, if he released her from her promise to remain at his side, so that maybe one day she could once again find peace and happiness. He was about to make the suggestion that once in port that they should go their separate ways when she turned abruptly towards him. "Varric would have sent word ahead and made reservations for us at the Crown and Lion. He also arranged horses for us to travel to Vigil's Keep."

"That Varric... he is always on top of everything," Anders replied dryly. Rylee gave a curt nod and turned to go.

"Rylee?" Anders said in a questioning tone. She turned to look at him and for the first time in weeks, she looked into his eyes. They were no longer the dead spheres that they had been in the Gallows. Now all he saw was a tremendous amount of sorrow. His heart was pounding in his chest as he tried to gather the courage to let her go. His eyes began to sting from the pain at the realization that he was about to say good-bye to her.

"Is there something you wanted?" She asked in a distant voice that no longer sounded like hers.

"I-I think it would be best for you if once we dock, we went our s-separate ways," Anders said as his voice cracked under his lack of conviction.

She was silent for a long time before she spoke in a hushed tone. "Is that what you want?"

"Maker no, Rylee, I love you! I want to remain by your side forever, but I want what is best for you. It is obvious that I bring you nothing but pain and grief. I know my actions have hurt you and have caused you great agony. I know that you made the most difficult decision on your life when you spared my life. I want to prove to you that you made the right decision, but you won't let me in. I've tried, Ry, Maker knows I've tried, but there is nothing I can do to ease your suffering. I don't want to be a constant reminder of all the pain and loss that I have brought to you. It might be better for you if we parted ways, so that one day you can hopefully have a normal life."

Again she remained quiet as she thought over what he had said. "The decision to spare your life wasn't as difficult as you think. I can't be your Judge or your Executioner, but it's not for the reasons you think….It's true, Anders, that your actions have caused me pain and it is painful to be with you, but to be separated from you would tear me to pieces….I still love you, Anders. Maker, help me, I always will… I-I just need time Anders. If… if you can give me time… time to heal. If you want to remain at my side, Anders, I want you to be there too."

Anders gently pulled her into his arms, and he felt her stiffen as he kissed the top of her head, but he refused to let her go. He hadn't touched her since that last time they had been together and he ached for her. She felt fantastic in his arms. He could hold her like this forever. He was so undeserving and he would spend the rest of his life making this up to her.

"There should never be any doubt that it is at your side, I want to remain. I love you, Rylee. I know that I fucked up by betraying your trust in me, but please never doubt that I love you."

She remained silent as she hesitantly allowed him to hold her. If it took him the rest of his life, he would win back her love and trust. "What did you mean when you said, not for the reasons I would think?"

Before she could answer, Isabela yelled out, "Aye, let's brin' 'tis beauty gently into dock. I don't want no scratches on me new baby."

Anders brows furrowed. "Since when has the wench started to speak like that?"

Rylee gently pulled out of his embrace and he immediately felt the loss of her warmth. "You really have made yourself scares. We were at sea less than a day when she started to talk like a drunken sailor."

Isabela had made it perfectly clear that he was only on board her ship because Rylee had insisted that they were a package deal. Their first night at sea, Isabela had cornered him with her daggers drawn. She proceeded to not only threaten his life, but insinuated that he would die ball-less and dick-less if he ever hurt Rylee in such a manner again. From that point on, he had avoided the pirate wench the entire time they had been at sea, and he really hoped that she wasn't planning on continuing to travel with them once they made port. He definitely deserved to die for what he had put Rylee through the past several years, but the thought of having his twig and berries removed before death happened, made him pray to the Maker for the first time in years.

A/N – Rylee and Anders tattoos mean, I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine, from Song of Solomon 6:3. This was actually part of my wedding vows 25 years ago.

*The song that Rylee sang is the elven song Suledin which is played during the dungeon escape portion of Leliana's Song.
Here are the lyrics:
Time was once a blessing, but long journeys are made longer when alone within.
Take spirit from the long ago, but do not dwell in lands no longer yours.
Be certain in need, and the path will emerge to a home tomorrow and time will again be the joy it once was.

*I have started writing a new story called What You Will. It is loosely based on the Twelfth Night. Here is the summary; In order to keep the templars off of her trail as her family escapes Ferelden, Charlie Hawke completely changes her identity and her gender. Upon arriving in Kirkwall she is forced to continue the charade despite her growing attraction Anders. Ht tp:/ /www. fan fiction. net/s/7221 501/1/ Remove the spaces.

*Last, but never least, to my dear friend Jinxy, thank you from the bottom of my heart for all that you do for me. You're the best and I am so glad you are a part of my life.