Chapter 14 - Breath

"You take the breath right out of me; you left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through, 'cause I will be the death of you.
This will be all over soon, pour salt into the open wound. Is it over yet? Let me in.
So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what's left. I know that I can find the fire in your eyes.
I'm going all the way, get away, please."

Breath by Breaking Benjamin

The following morning their group started out towards Vigil's Keep; all of the companions a little worse for wear after the large amounts of alcohol that had been consumed at the tavern, the night before. Anders didn't realize how much he had missed the comradery of close friends. The years that led up to the fall of the Chantry, Anders had distanced himself from all of Rylee's travel companions. He rarely saw them socially and remained elusive even when he traveled with them. However, now with Justice no longer screaming in his head he had thoroughly enjoyed the evening of witty repartee and storytelling. It was also the most relaxed and at ease that he had seen Rylee in months.

Unfortunately, by the time the two of them had made it back to their room, she was exhausted and had fallen asleep before her head even hit the pillow. So no big boat docking had happened, but that was just as well. He didn't want to rush things with her. He wanted Rylee to emotionally be ready to be with him, not just physically ready.

He glanced over at her and she smiled back at him. "A sovereign for your thoughts," Anders said.

She giggled. "A whole sovereign, my inflation really has taken its toll."

"No, just your thoughts are worth that much."

"My thoughts are very dangerous and extremely sinful," Rylee purred as devilish grin spread across her face.

"I do believe those are my favorite kinds of thoughts," Anders replied coyly.

"I like sinful thoughts too, La mia bellezza mortale," Zev cooed as he rode up beside them and looked hungrily at Rylee. "Lust is one of my favorites, followed closely by fornication."

"Murder is rising to the top of my list," Anders grunted.

"Oh, that is up there for me too," Zev purred.

"I'm fond of 'the death of the overly charming assassin who royally pissed off the mage'," Anders growled.

"Ooo, that sounds like a title for a really good suspense book," Rylee chuckled.

"I'm always up for a sexually explicit suspense novel," Neria mused.

Rylee's eyebrows furrowed, "What do they teach you mages in the Circle?"

Anders laughed, "Trust me, we had a lot of free time on our hands to explore other avenues."

"Well, this book would only be a best-seller as long as the handsome assassin wins the battle of course," Zev chortled.

"He doesn't," Anders grunted.

"Well, then he should at least have torrid night of unbelievably exquisite hot sex with the charmingly beautiful heroine before he die!" Zev declared.

"No! He dies homeless, penniless and loveless!" Anders exclaimed.

"Sounds like a stupid book," Zev observed.

"I think I would read it if both the mage and the assassin died horrific and grotesque deaths," Oghren grunted.

"Oh, you can read dwarf," Isabela mused.

"Reading is easy, compared to all the other things I can do. Stringing up smart-ass pirate wenches by their toes only being one of them."

"Oooh, are you gonna tickle me with a feather afterwards?" Isabela cooed.

Oghren squinted as he looked at her, "Would you like that?" She nodded vigorously. "Then no!"

Isabela feigned a pout and a tear. "Stop that woman! Your wily ways don't work on me."

"That sounds like a challenge, my dear Isabela," Zev chuckled.

"It's an easy one too. All I need to do is get in a bath filled with Valenta's Red and wait. The dwarf won't be able to resist."

"It will take more than ale to entice me, wench!" Oghren bellowed.

"Oghren my friend, you couldn't resist a flask of ale if it was buried in a pile of bronto dung, let alone an entire tub filled with ale, even if it did come with a woman in it," Zev chortled.

The teasing chatter continued on for the next couple of hours as they made their way toward the Keep. They were reaching the edge of the forest that sat on the hilltop when a dozen large well armed men in skirts stepped out from the trees. "Halt!" the biggest soldier said as he stepped forward.

"Who the bloody hell are you and why are you wearing those silly looking skirts?" Isabela asked.

"Me name isAonghasan, ay am Captain o' de Starkhaven royal knights," the tall knight said.

"With a name like Aonghasan, he's bound to go 'muhaha' at some point," Rylee chuckled.

"Wow, Sebastian wasn't screwing around when he said he was coming for your ass, Rylee. I always knew he had a hard on for you, but damn when it comes to revenge, that man didn't waste any time," Isablea pondered.

"We ur lookin' fur a cheil an' a hen 'at fit th' description ay those tois there," a tall lanky man beside the Captain said.

"Maker's hairy arse, what the hell did he just say?" Anders asked.

"I understand a little of the Starkhaven brogue and I believe he said, 'We are looking for a man and a woman that fit the description of those two there'," Zev translated.

"Who the bloody hell is he calling a 'hen'?," Rylee demanded.

"Kitten, I believe he was referring to you," Isabela whispered.

"Does that make Anders 'the cock'?" Oghren grunted as he trotted his horse to front of the group and addressed the leader, "I don't give a nug's arse who you are looking for. We are Grey Wardens heading to Vigil's Keep. You have no business with us. Now get your skirt covered sissy ass out of my way before I run you over."

"Sorry, but we arenae leavin' withit them tois," the leader said as he raised his sword and pointed it at Anders.

"Translation!" Oghren hollered.

"Sorry, but we aren't leaving without those two," Zev decoded.

"Right, so this calls for a fight then? Excellent, 'cause I was just looking for an excuse to see if they were wearing any smalls under those skirts," Rylee purred in her most dangerous voice.

"Ooohh, I wanna see too! I like the way you think," Isabela mused.

The warning bell from the tower began to ring out as the Keep's massive gates opened. Zev rode up beside Oghren, "As my stout friend said, they are Wardens and Starkhaven soldiers have no authority here in Ferelden or with the Wardens. Now you might want to put your sword away before you hurt yourself with it," Zev said sarcastically.

"Sorry, but it's ye 'at will be th' a body gettin' hurt." There was no need for interpretation as all the soldiers drew their swords. Both Rylee and Isabela leapt from their horses and disappeared into the shadows before they even landed on the ground. Anders immediately cast a repulsion spell that knocked at least five of the men to the ground. Anders jumped from his horse as he scanned for Rylee. Both of the rogues appeared behind the leader. Isabela drove her dagger into the warrior's back then leapt backwards evading the assault from his shield. Unfortunately, Rylee delayed her retreat by a few seconds and the edge of the shield caught her in the side, knocking her to the ground. Anders immediately froze the soldier in place and then hit him with several fireballs before the man collapsed.

The skirmish waged on, a dozen Wardens from the Keep joined the battle and Anders felt as if they were just starting to get the upper hand when he felt the pommel of a sword collide with his temple. His head began to spin as his vision blurred. He felt another strike against his temple and then everything went black as he felt his body falling.

The first thing Anders felt was the warmth of healing magic wash over him. It was strong magic from a powerful mage. "Anders," a familiar voice called out. He felt another wave of magic as the voice called him again.

He struggled to open his eyes; his vision was fuzzy as he tried to focus on the figure kneeling in front of him. As his vision became clear he was staring into the beautiful face of Lillah. He smiled at her and she smiled back as she said, "Welcome back."

"What the hell happened?"

"You were knocked unconscious during the battle," Lillah replied.

"What battle?"

Lillah raised an eyebrow, "The skirmish with the Starkhaven Knights."

Just then on the other side of him a dark haired beauty knelt down beside him. Her resemblance to Lillah was remarkable. She rested her hand on his arm, "Anders, how are you feeling?'

"Aaah, I feel fine," Anders said as he focused on her face. She was just as beautiful as Lillah, but she had this long mane of mahogany red hair. "Wow, you have to be related to Lil."

Her eyebrows furrowed as she looked at him and then back at Lillah. "Anders, you know we are cousins."

"How would I know that?"

"Ry, its normal after receiving such a traumatic blow to the head to be disoriented and confused," Lillah explained.

"I'm not confused," Anders argued.

You're very confused!

Anders shot up and looked around at the group looking down at him.

"Where's Justice?"

Now every member of the group looked at him completely stunned and as if he had just grown a third eye.

"Aaah Anders, Justice died during the battle of the Keep," Lillah said.

"No he didn't, I just heard him," Anders said as panic began to raise his voice.

You idiot, I'm in your head!

The girl with the mahogany hair stepped forward, "Anders, Justice is a part of you… remember."

"What!" Both he and Lillah explained.

She's right. Listen to her, Anders.

"What the fuck! Lil, you had to have heard that!" Anders looked at Lillah desperately.

Lillah looked at him like he had lost his mind.

"This is a trick isn't it? Tell me you're joking," Anders begged.

Nope, I'm right here.

"I've lost my mind. I am officially several mages short of a Circle."

"Look, let's get to the Keep and I can explain everything," the dark haired doppelganger said and there was pain in her voice and eyes.

They all agreed, picked up their belongings and headed for the Wardens home. A short while later they arrived in the throne room and all eyes turned to look at mahogany haired beauty.

She took a deep breath and then explained how Anders had invited the Spirit of Justice into him to help him fight for the rights of mages. She went on to explain how over the past six years, Justice slowly started to take over Anders driving him relentlessly to fight nonstop to free mages. How the Spirit was the driving force behind the fall of the Chantry, but had gone silent up until minutes after the attack.

Anders stumbled back as the weight of her story crashed over him. He stared at her in horror as she relayed the things that lead up to the destruction of the Chantry and the loss of innocent lives that he was responsible for. He shook his head vigorously. "No, no, no, no…. I would never do that. I would never take the lives of innocent people. I'm a healer… I'm dedicated to saving lives. You're wrong! You have me mistaken for someone else. You're lying!"

"She isn't lying, Anders!" The woman dressed as a wench exclaimed as stepped up to stand beside Lillah's cousin.

Lillah's cousin stepped toward him and looked at him compassionately, "I understand this is a lot to take in, Love…"

"Love? I don't know you," Anders said defiantly.

"Yes, you do, Anders. We have lived together for the past six years…"

"I don't know you. I have no memory of you," Anders said as the enormity of everything began to crash in around him. "The last thing I remember is rushing back to the Keep after the battle with the Brood Mother…." Anders looked at her sympathetically as her eyes began to well with tears. "I'm sorry… I'm so sorry, but I don't recognize you."

"Lillah, how long… how long will this memory loss last," Lillah's cousin asked.

"It could be just temporary and his memory could all come flooding back to him as soon as he relaxes and his mind has time to process recent events or it could take months or in extreme cases it could be permanent."

The rogue quickly wiped away a tear that slid down her cheek as she gave a curt nod. Anders felt sorry for her and he wished he could remember her, but nothing came to him. However, when he looked at Lillah all of the love, hurt and anger that he felt for her was right there on surface. He ached for her and what they had once shared.

Lillah stepped forward and examined Anders in the eyes. "I want to speak to Justice," she demanded.

Anders took a step back from her. "Aaah, I don't think it works like that. I just hear him in my head."

"Well, I don't believe any of this crazy bullshit. So unless I can speak to Justice, I believe you're off your rocker, Anders."

Let me speak with the Commander.

No! I have no idea who you are, but you aren't about to take over my body.

Anders, I am your friend and I have been with you for the past seven years. I can help the Commander understand.

"Well, do I get to speak to Justice or do I have you locked up for insanity?" Lillah demanded.

Anders felt the Spirit surge forward catching him off guard. He felt his body shake as a bright light shot out of him. Then it was if he was watching from a distance as a strange voice came out of his mouth. "Commander, it's good to see you again. We have missed you."

Lillah's eyes narrowed skeptically as she studied him. "You've missed me, huh? Well, I've missed the real Justice too."

"I am the real Justice."

"The real Justice died over seven years. For all I know you're a demon."

"I am no demon!"

"Prove it," Lillah demanded.

Justice pondered the request then spoke, "Once on our way back from the Wending Wood, while you and I were on guard duty, you told me about the time that the templars dragged you away from your uncle and how your uncle fought to defend and save you. There weren't enough templars to capture both you and your uncle at that time. It was several months later that you heard the news that your uncle had been killed by templars and you just knew it was your fault because he had defended you. It was your fault that Rylee and her siblings were denied their father and the guilt of that weighed on you daily."

Lillah looked at him completely astonished. "By the Maker, Justice, is that really you?"

"Yes, Commander, it's really me."

"Wow," was all she could manage as her hands and body trembled. Anders wanted to reach out for her to comfort her, but Justice was still in control and he turned his attention to the rogue that Anders now assumed was Rylee.

Lillah's cousin was visibly shaken and the story must have been a huge revelation to her. Rylee went to her cousin and embraced her. "Oh Lil, I wish you would have told me this years ago. I could have saved you a lot of heartache. My father's death wasn't your fault. He was killed by a rogue templar who stumbled across him by accident. The man never even gave my father a chance to turn himself in. The templar drained him of his mana and then drove a sword through his h-heart," Rylee explained as struggled to control her emotions. Lillah burst into tears as the two cousins hugged each other.

Anders didn't know the young rogue at all but his heart ached for her. However, Justice was now screaming in his head.

Maker's breath could you shut the hell up? How am I supposed to even think with all that racket?

Anders you should be outraged. This is the woman that you love, her father was murdered in cold blood by a templar and all you can do is ask me to be quiet.

Love her? I don't even know her. I've never even seen her until this morning.

You have been in love with her for the past six years. You're bonded souls.

Holy hell, now I'm not just in love with her, but were bonded souls. By Andraste's sweet twat, this is absolutely insane. I'm supposed to take the words of crazy voice in my head and this woman that I've never seen before.

Look at the matching rings on your fingers. You committed yourself for life to this woman three years ago.

Anders looked at the ring on his finger and then caught a glimpse of a similar ring on hers. He stumbled back at the shock of this new revelation.

If we are bonded souls shouldn't I feel something towards her… some unexplainable attraction.

Your body and mind has had a huge shock. Give it time; I'm sure the bond between you will surface.

And what if I don't want it to surface?

Then you're a bigger fool then I thought.

As the moon filtered through the window, Anders sat on his bed and looked at the commitment ring on his finger. Even though he had no memories, he knew himself well enough to know that for him to go through a commitment ceremony, he would have to love that person deeply, intensely, and passionately. He loved Lillah, but he didn't think he loved her profoundly enough to give her a commitment ring and bind himself to her for the rest of his life. Anders knew and respected the commitment ritual and he would have never taken such a vow lightly. Wearing this ring he knew he had to have loved Rylee on a very deep, intense and intimate level, but if their bond was so strong, why couldn't he remember a damn thing about her? If they were bonded souls, then even without the memories of her, wouldn't his soul recognize her soul?

Anders, give it time. You haven't spent any time alone with her to connect with her. Your mind has been injured and then you had some very startling news revealed about your past. You just need time.

Why do you care if I connect with her?

Because I wronged her and I want to make amends.

How did you wrong her?

There was a long pause before the Spirit replied. It's not important. I just need to make it up to her.

Anders needed some fresh air to think. He got up, swiftly moved through the Keep and headed out toward the gardens. He started down a path that he remembered as his favorite. The scent of lavender wafted up from the flowers and something familiar tickled at the back of his mind as a feeling of comfort and being loved washed over him.

He heard a noise and paused as he tried to identify the source. A few seconds later, he heard it again and it sounded like a muffled cry. He hoped no one was injured as he hurried toward the noise. He rounded a bush and stopped dead in his tracks at the sight before him. Rylee and the pirate wench, Isabela, were in the clearing. Rylee had her hands pressed to tree and she was bent at the waist as if in pain. Isabela had her hand resting on her back as if trying to comfort her. Was the beautiful rogue injured? Anders heart ached at the thought.

"I-I can't b-breath, Bells. It h-hurts so bad," she sobbed as her voice broke. She grasped at her chest with one hand. "It's f-fucking killing me."

"Oh Ry, I'm so sorry. I wish there was something I could do," Isabela said softly.

Anders started to step forward to offer her healing when her next words stopped him dead in his tracks.

"H-how much pain is one person supposed to endure before they finally break?" She broke down weeping as she rested her head against the trunk of the tree. "He broke my heart for three years… but I held on, Bells. I refused to let him go. I refused let him lose himself. I had to save him… from himself… from Justice and just when I thought I had him back… I've lost him again… b-but now I've truly lost him. I-I am a complete stranger to him. All of the l-love… all those beautiful memories… gone… completely gone…"

Rylee turned to face Isabela, but her strength gave out and she crumbled to her knees. The pirate fell on her knees in front of her and pulled her into her arms. "He b-broke me… he's finally broken me…"

Isabela rocked the fragile rogue back and forth as she tried to comfort her. "Sssssh, Ry…. it will be okay. Somehow, it will work out."

Anders turned from the scene and clasped his heart. He felt such an unexplained pain there and his body trembled at the agony that he was obviously causing her. Every fiber in his being wanted to take that ache away to somehow make things better for her, but he had no idea how.

He dashed away from the scene toward the Keep and ran straight into Lillah. She grabbed his arms to steady him. She looked up at him and then gently wiped a tear from his check. "Anders, why are you crying?"

"I've c-caused her so much pain… I can feel her anguish… it's killing me and I don't know why. I have no memory of her… I have no emotions for her, but her pain is so excruciating. I want to make it stop, but I can't. I-I can't pretend to feel something I don't. It isn't fair to her or me."

"Anders, you feel her pain because you are bonded to her even though you have no memory of her. You need to give yourself time. Stop adding additional pressure on yourself and relax. It's the only way your memories are going to come back to you."

"Well, that's kind of hard to do when I have everyone looking at me like I'm some kind of monster. I'm slowly killing the woman that is my bonded soul mate, I have soldiers from Starkhaven after me, and oh yeah, templars are hunting me for an act of terrorism that I don't even remember doing. So maybe you can understand if I'm finding it a bit difficult to relax."

Lillah slipped her hand through Anders' arm and began to lead him back towards the Keep. "Come with me, my dear mage, let's go to my office and have a rather large glass of brandy. That might help you relax some."

The following morning, Anders woke to the sounds of loud cheers coming from the sparring ring below his window. He got out of bed, opened the shutters and looked down at the crowd gathered around the ring as the Wardens sparred against each other. Anders quickly got dressed and rushed down to the ring. He passed several Wardens on his way and heard one of them say, "She's amazing. She took on three warriors all at once. She quickly disarmed them and had them begging for mercy. If she became a Warden, she and the Commander would be an unstoppable force."

Anders pushed his way through the crowd to the fence and watched as the Champion of Kirkwall taunted both Zev and Nathaniel.

"Really, La mia bellezza mortale, don't you think it's kind of arrogant to think that you can take on both me and Nate. I know you defeated the Arishok in single combat, but seriously, the two of us are experienced fighters who have fought together numerous times," Zev said calmly to try to pacify her.

Maker, she has to be an extraordinary fighter to defeat the Arishok in single combat.

She is magnificent and these two are no match for her.

Why do I get the feeling you are trying to build her up in my mind?

The Spirit did not reply.

The sound of Rylee's voice pulled him from of his thoughts. "Arrogance would be to claim that I can have you begging for mercy at the count of three, when in fact, I can only do it in five," Rylee said as she gave the assassin the most sexy, roguish grin he had ever seen and his heart skipped a beat.

"My lovely lady, you can have me begging for mercy any time your heart so desires," Zev purred.

"My heart only desires to see the day that you admit I'm wittier than you, prettier than you…" in a flash she had disappeared and reappeared behind the assassin with her blunted blade at his throat. "…and quicker than you."

Zev burst out laughing. "Oooh, so you want to play dirty…" Zev grabbed her forearm, bent forward and pulled her over his shoulder. She landed on her back staring up at him. "…then dirty it is. I like dirty." The assassin cooed as he started to bring his sword down, but she arched her back, bent her knees, used her arms to push herself off of the ground as leapt to her feet she quickly rolled out of his way.

"You clearly forget that I've spent years visiting Lowtown. I know all about playing dirty. Dirty is not as bad as being a sinful scoundrel," she said as she slipped into shadows and appeared behind him once more, eased her one dagger against his throat and the other against his groin, "Let's see how dirty I can be. Which would you like to keep? Your manhood or your beautiful neck?"

Along with the crowd Anders burst out laughing as Isabela slid up beside him. "Is she always so feisty when she fights?"

Isabela chuckled. "This is her playing nice because she actually likes Zev. If she didn't, there would be a lot more blood mixed in with all that witty repartee."

Another loud cheer went up from the crowd. Half cheering for his neck and half for his manhood, but before she react, two large arms of Nate encircled her. She released her grip on Zev just enough to bring her legs up between them then using his back as leverage she pushed with all her might. Zev flew forward as Nate stumbled backwards, but his big strong arms held onto her tightly.

Zev recovered his balance and spun to face his captured prey. He grinned slyly at her, "It seems you were a little too confident. I shall have to take advantage of that."

Just as Zev raced toward her, Rylee threw her head forward then slammed it back into Nate's head, he howled in pain as his nose broke, blood spraying everywhere. He dropped Rylee and she rolled out of the way just as Zev collided into the broad chest of his fellow fighter, knocking both of them to the ground. The crowd cheered and then began to chant Rylee's name.

"It would seem that she doesn't like Nate as much," Isabela chortled.

Anders watched in fascination as she out maneuvered both of the other rogues and a scene flashed across his mind.

The Arishok brought down his sword, Rylee rolled toward him, and she came up beside him just as the Qunari began to rise from his missed attack. She brought her dagger back and drove it into the Arishok's neck. He stumbled backwards as she drove her other blade into his stomach. As she withdrew her dagger from his neck, blood began to flow freely; he grabbed the gaping hole in his neck as he fell backwards. Rylee staggered up to him, holding her side, but keeping her head and back straight. The Arishok pointed at her and sneered, "One d-day we shall return." Then he fell back dead. At first, the room was silent with amazement at what they had just witnessed, then a loud cheer went up as the room erupted into a frenzy of excitement.

Did you just show that to me?

Yes!

Is that what happened with the Arishok?

Yes!

So you still have my memories?

Yes!

So you can show me the life that I had with her?

Yes, when you're ready.

I'm ready now.

No, you're not. You are still holding onto Lillah. You need to release her as part of your past, not a part of your future.

How the hell am I supposed to do that?

That is something you need to figure out, Anders. I can show you pieces of your life with Rylee, but they won't be complete memories because they won't have the emotions attached to them. That memory with the Arishok, that day you were terrified, Anders. The fear of losing her nearly overwhelmed you. In all the time that I had known you, not once did I ever heard you pray, but on that day you begged the Maker to save her and not take her from you. That is why you need to release what you're currently feeling for Lillah so that the things I show you actually have context and meaning.

Why are you doing this? Why do you care?

As I said, I have wronged her. This is the only way I can make things right with her.

The sound of Lillah's voice brought him back to the scene in front of him. "Okay that's it, once blood is drawn the match is over and the winner is the person that drew the blood."

Zev strolled up to the cousins. "Well the delicious rogue may have beaten my comrade, but she has not drawn my blood."

Rylee drew her arm back and threw a punch that landed squarely on Zev's nose. A loud crack rang out and blood covered the dirt on the ground. Zev gripped his nose as blood ran down his hands and arms. Rylee grinned and raised an eyebrow, "I told you I like it dirty."

"Damn," Zev said as he held his bleeding nose. "Dirty indeed, were you just looking for an excuse to help clean me up? "Cause there are easier, less painful ways of getting me out of my clothes."

Isabela burst out laughing. "Well, I knew she had some pent up anger, but Maker, if I had known she was this entertaining when she held in all of her angst, I would have encouraged that behavior a long time ago."

Isabela's comment made Anders recoil. Was all of the pent up anger because of him? Was he the cause of that underhanded punch she delivered to Zev? Was it his face she had been picturing when she was fighting? Maker, he knew he had caused her enough pain for her to want to beat something or someone to a bloody pulp. He also realized that jealously was coursing through his veins. She had been so at ease with Zev as they exchanged sexual innuendos and even after she had broken his nose, the assassin still kept making passes at her. How long had they known each other? Could they have possibly been involved with each other?

"Anders, can you come over here. I need you to help me heal my men and Isabela can you take Rylee to her room get her cleaned up? I want to see you in my office in an hour, Cousin," Lillah commanded.

A/N – Sorry for the delay of this chapter. I hope to make it up to you by posting the next chapter tomorrow. Thank you to everyone that has added this story to your fav and alert lists. Also, thank you to everyone that has shared their thoughts about the story with me. Your comments always bring a smile to my face and make my day.

*Here is a refresher of the Italian we learned the other day. La mia bellezza mortale means my deadly beauty.

*A huge thank you to the spanktastic Beta Wizard Jinxy. I appreciate your help in making it seem as if I have mastered commas, colons, semicolons and spellchecker. The fact that I haven't is our little secret. As always thank you for being a wonderful sound board to bounce ideas and dialogue off of. Your insight is fan-freckin-tastic! You're the best!