Chapter 15- It's Not Over

"Taken all I could take, and I cannot wait. We're wasting too much time, being strong, holding on.

Can't let it bring us down. My life with you means everything, so I won't give up that easily.

I'll blow it away, blow it away. Can we make this something good?

'Cause it's all misunderstood. Well, I'll try to do it right this time around.

Let's start over, I'll try to do it right this time around.

It's not over. 'Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground.

This love is killing me,but you're the only one. It's not over."

It's Not Over by Daughtry

Anders made his way to Lillah's office after he had helped both Zev and Nate back to their rooms. Through the closed door he heard Lillah's raised voice. "Maker, Rylee was it not bad enough that you head butted Nate, breaking his nose in the process, but then you had to cold cock Zev and break his too. I know that things have been rough on you lately, but taking out you anger on my men isn't going to make things better."

"Well, maybe you need better trained men," Rylee retorted.

"So now you're going to insult my Wardens because they were unprepared for a cheap shot?"

"Well, Zev is an assassin. Shouldn't he always be prepared for a cheap shot?"

There was a long pause, "Ry, I know you're hurting, but this isn't like you. It's completely out of character for you."

"I know…I knoooow," Rylee moaned in frustration. "I'm just so fucking lost right now and the one person who always had my back even when he was at his lowest is gone. I f-feel so all alone."

Anders felt his heart ache as the pain of loss swept through her.

"You're not alone, Cousin. I'm here for you. It's obvious that Isabela is here for you and so is Zev. I also received word from Denerim that Bethany and Cullen's ship finally docked. They are staying at the Warden compound there."

Another long pause and the sound of footsteps pacing back and forth; Anders knew Lillah didn't pace so he wondered if Rylee did when she was thinking. "Maybe, it would be best for all concerned if I went to Denerim for a while. I really need to see Bethany and it would probably be wise to let Alistair know that he has a wanted fugitive in his country. It would also give Anders time to relax and heal without the constant fear of running into me around every corner."

At the thought of her leaving, Anders felt his heart throb with pain, his stomach seize with agony as his body began to tremble. He had no idea why her leaving should affect him so drastically other than the fact that he didn't want her to go because having her around was the only connection he had to his old life, but if that were the case then why should the thought of her not being here cause his entire body to ache.

"I don't want you traveling alone, Ry. We killed all of those Starkhaven soldiers, but they are like maggots…where there is one there is bound to be more. I will send Zev and Nate with you. You will also need a mage so I will ask Neria to go with you too. She isn't a Warden so I can't order her, but she seems to like you so I don't think she will say no. Besides she is the only mage I have available to accompany you. She is more of a battle mage than a healer, but she knows the basics, so just don't get yourself gravely injured."

A growl slipped from Anders throat at the thought of her becoming seriously injured and no one available to heal her.

"Thanks, Lil. I appreciate your help."

"Anytime, Cuz. You need to say good-bye to Anders," Lillah said.

"Why? He doesn't even know me."

"I'm telling you to do that for your sake, not his."

There was a long pause and then a chuckle. "I see some of that Amell wisdom rubbed off on you too."

Lillah laughed, "So I'm told."

Anders heard footsteps heading for the door and he slipped into the shadows of a dimly lit alcove. He watched as Rylee left Lillah's office and made her way down the corridor. Once she was out of sight, he walked into Lillah's office.

"How could you just let her leave like that? You know that both Starkhaven soldiers and templars are after her."

"Eaves dropping is such a nasty habit, Anders." Lillah said as she took a seat behind her desk. "So why do you care? The last time we chatted, you had no memories of her, no feelings for her so why should you care if she leaves?"

"I can't explain it Lil. I only know that I care for her well being. I look at her and I feel nothing…no love, no joy…no memories…just nothing, until she feels something. That's when I feel her love, her joy, her pain and anger then something deep inside me stirs and the only thing I want to do is be a part of her joy and love and take away her anger and pain. I don't have a logical explanation for this. It feels like I'm stumbling in the dark. Like I've lost a piece of myself and I don't know where it is or how to get it back. "

"Anders, I think it's a good thing that Rylee is leaving for a while. It will give you a chance to clear your head and sort some things out without her here to confuse you. She isn't leaving forever and I am sending her with some very capable fighters. Not to mention you watched her make fools out of my two best rogues today, she is a very gifted fighter. She can handle herself."

"I just have a bad feeling about this. She has done and sacrificed so much for me and I have brought her nothing but pain. I just want to protect her from any further sorrow," Anders said glumly.

"Don't you think this time away will help her heal too?"

Anders shook his head. "Every instinct in my body tells me we are stronger together than we are apart."

"Anders, I disagree with you. That statement may have been true in Kirkwall, but circumstances are different now. The fact that you have no memory of her, no feelings for her, only hurts her more the longer she is here. Let her go, give yourself some time to heal and your life with her may still come back to you."

Before Anders could reply there was a loud knock at the office door, Lillah called for the visitor to enter. A small messenger boy entered and handed her a note. Lillah quickly opened it and read. "Hmmm, it seems my Keep is turning into a travel inn for Rylee's companions. There is a dwarf here to see her. Let's go inform her that she has a companion."

They both headed down the corridor to her room, Lillah knocked then opened the door only to find Rylee standing there in a pair of tight trousers and her breast band as Isabela wrapped a cloth around her ribs. Anders took a huge gulp as his eyes wondered over the smooth sun soaked skin of Rylee's back and the delicate way her tiny waist cinched in and then flared at her hips. Maker, she had the most luscious curves he had ever seen and that was saying a lot because he always considered Lillah very curvy.

"What the hell is going on?" Lillah demanded.

"Nothing, I injured my ribs while sparring and Isabela is just wrapping them to prevent further injury," Rylee explained.

"And why didn't you let me heal you, Ry," Lillah inquired.

"Because I'm fine, Zev and Nate needed your attention much more than I did."

"Well, lay down on the bed and let me examine you," Lillah commanded.

"No," Rylee retorted.

Anders watched Lillah's eyes flare with suspicion. "What do you mean no?"

Rylee cocked an eyebrow, "I'm pretty sure 'no' is a self explanatory word."

Lillah looked over at him, "Anders, leave the room so that I can examine my cousin."

"No," Anders replied.

"Since when did everyone decide that following my orders were a suggestion and not a command? The last time I checked I am still the bloody commander of this Keep and both of you are under my roof and will follow my orders. Rylee, lay down and Anders get the hell out!"

Anders stared at her long and hard then finally said, "Fine, but I'm keeping the door open."

Anders couldn't explain why, but he needed to see the extent of her injuries. He watched as Rylee reluctantly laid down on the bed. Starting at her head, Lillah began her examination. She hesitated at her ribs as she evaluated the extent of the injuries, then she continued to move further down her body to make sure that there wasn't anything more serious before she healed Rylee's ribs. She faltered once again at Rylee's lower abdomen. Lillah's head shot up and looked at her cousin. He barely saw the young rogue give a curt shake of the head. Lillah nodded and then continued her examination before she healed her ribs and then cast a spell at Rylee's stomach.

Rylee sat up as Lillah walked over to Anders and motioned for Isabela to join them. "She is fine, she is going to need some rest before she leaves for Denerim. Now, if you two will excuse me I need to talk with my cousin."

"What was wrong with her lower abdomen?" Anders asked.

"It was just a torn muscle. I healed it."

Anders eyed her suspiciously. Her reaction to whatever her examination had discovered was more serious than a torn muscle.

"Remember what I said earlier, Anders, about eaves dropping," Lillah said as she closed the door.

Anders looked over at Isabela, "Are you leaving?"

"Hell no," the pirate wench replied.

"Good, we are both on the same page," Anders stated as the two of them eased toward the door. At first their words were muffled and only a few words came through most were Lillah's voice who for some reason was very upset by the conversation.

"No bloody business in a sparring ring," and "You have to tell him," and much louder was "Are you crazy?"

Then very clearly Rylee's voice rose above Lillah's. "Lil, stay the fuck out of this. It isn't your concern."

Lillah's volume now matched Rylee's. "Bullshit, do you think you're the only one that loves him. This will kill him if you don't tell him."

"Oh now you love him… now after you broke his heart by carrying on a torrid love affair with the married King of Ferelden right under his nose. When he was here begging you to love him, you wanted nothing to do with him! But now that he is back and has no memory of me, now you want to sink your claws into him? What is it with you and unavailable men, Lil? Are they a challenge for you or something new to conquer?"

There was a loud smack and both Anders and Isabela looked at each other.

"Did the Commander just smack Rylee?" Isabela asked.

Anders eyes went wide. "It sure sounded that way."

"Damn it, I hate when I miss a good cat fight," Isabela hissed.

"No Rylee, I wouldn't do that to you and you know it! I love you, you're my flesh and blood, and you're like a sister to me. I'm just saying that you aren't the only one that cares about him. This might actually help him heal."

"No it won't; not if he can't remember how it happened or when or that he was even there. This will just be another weight around his neck. I will not add that burden to him and neither will you," Rylee threatened.

"Ry…"

"Look Lil, I'm sorry about what I said earlier about unavailable men, I really am. I love you too and I don't think that about you. Hearing you confess that you still love Anders just threw me over the edge. I just don't know how much more I can take. Hell, maybe you would be better for him than I would be. You can protect him, keep him safe, you love him…fuck at least he remembers you."

Isabela giggled, "I can almost see her rolling her eyes."

Anders chuckled, "Same here."

Isabela's head whipped around as she looked at Anders. "I could just picture her doing that."

"That's because anytime she said 'fuck' in that tone she always rolled her eyes," Isabela explained.

"Look, telling him right now isn't up for discussion, in time maybe, but not now. Do we have an agreement?"

Their voices had once again calmed down and were muffled. Both Anders and Isabela eased their way down the hallway before Lillah left Rylee's room.

Anders made it back to his room as he thought about all that he had heard. What was wrong with Rylee? She had to have some kind of illness. Something that would be a burdened to him if he knew about it. The thought that she was ill seized him as fear ran through his veins. It couldn't be life threatening. Lillah would have never agreed not to tell him. She was leaving in the morning, but if he could corner her even briefly, he would try to quickly examine her without her knowing.

And then there was the realization that Lillah still loved him. His heart couldn't help but skip a beat at the thought that she still thought of him like that. For him it was as if the battle with the Brood Mother had just happened. In reality it had been years and he never thought that after all this time she would still have feelings for him. Then Rylee's voice flooded his mind as she defended him so adamantly.

"Oh now you love him…now after you broke his heart by carrying on a torrid love affair with the married King of Ferelden right under his nose. When he was here begging you to love him you wanted nothing to do with him!"

How soon after Lillah had broken his heart had he met Rylee?

It was just a few months. Rylee helped you to heal. She mended your heart; she gave you a reason to want to live.

Why didn't I want to live?

Because between losing Lillah and merging with me, living had taken on a huge burden, things seemed hopeless to you. She brought you peace and comfort in a way that no one else could.

So why do I get the feeling you were against my relationship with her?

I was, I viewed her as a distraction as a diversion to our… my plans. I allowed Vengeance not Justice to lead me, and in doing so I damage her and you.

How?

Why does it matter now Anders? You don't remember any of this.

I need to know.

The love you had for her was so pure, so honest, so beautiful and I corrupted it by causing you to doubt her, by causing you to lose faith in her and I used her against you, to force you to bend to my will. I'm sorry, Anders.

What has changed? Why do you see things differently now?

I still believe in Justice for the mages, but since you have lost your memories the anger has subsided and the burning desire for vengeance has been squelched.

Does that mean if I get my memories back that Vengeance will be back?

That will depend on you, Anders, and if you are still holding onto all of that anger.

I can't do that to her again. I've put her through too much. I have no memories of those years, but I know deep down I've caused her great pain.

Then you must find a way to release your anger or else history is doomed to repeat itself.

Anders ate dinner in his room as he thought about all that had transpired over the past couple of days. There was so much to absorb and try to comprehend that it seemed overwhelming. Eventually he heard the roar of laughter drifting up from the throne room, so he made his way down to join the merriment and take his mind off of his own troubles.

When he entered, a dwarf was standing at the front of the room elaborately telling a tale. "Then Hawke held up the dragon egg and taunted the High Dragon, "I'm going to scramble these and have them with my bacon in the morning. Do you mind if I use one of your teeth to scramble them with?"

The room burst out laughing. Anders looked over at Rylee who was three shades of red and shaking her head.

"Zev, you really need to take some pointers from Varric on your story telling. When you tell about our High Dragon adventure you never give me witty one liners like that," Lil chuckled.

Anders slid in beside Zev, Nate and Oghren. Oghren handed him a mug of ale as he grumbled, "I don't see what the big deal is about telling stories. I can be witty too."

"Really? As far as I can remember you're only known for getting drunk, getting your ass kicked by Felsi and passing out," Anders stated matter-of-factly.

"Oh look, Sparkle Fingers has his memory back," Oghren grunted.

"My memories of you, my stout friend, are seared into my mind. I've tried to scrub them out, but they have permanently adhered themselves to my subconscious mind; damaging my psyche forever. "

"He seems to have that effect on everyone, I wonder if it's a blessing or a punishment sometimes," Zev said.

"Punishment!" All the Wardens said in unison.

"That's it! Next time someone tries to kill one of you sorry sons of nugs, don't come crying to me for help!" Oghren bellowed.

Rylee scooted over to Oghren, threw her arm around his shoulder and cooed. "You can save me anytime you want, Oghren."

"Any female who can kick ass like you is aces in my book. I'll stick with ya, and even laugh at the sorry sods who try to beat you."

"Aaah, thanks Oghren. Here, let me fill your mug of ale for ya," Rylee cooed.

"That woman could charm the Reverend Mother out her clothes if she put her mind to it," Varric chortled.

"Well, I wish she would put her mind to charming me out of mine. She wouldn't have to work very hard at it, unless she wanted me to make her beg for it," Zev said.

"Do you see that ring on her finger? She's not just wearing it for show, you know!" Anders exclaimed.

"Please, like you can even remember putting it on her finger. Funny how you can't even remember that you love her, but you manage to remember the ring whenever anyone shows some interest in the lovely rogue," Zev mused.

"That may be true, but as long as you see that ring on her finger she is mine so back the fuck off."

Varric burst out laughing, "Wow, look at you, Blondie. Blowing up a Chantry really gave you a large pair."

"Oh! So his balls were in Kirkwall all this time? I had wondered where he'd lost them," Nate chuckled.

"Oh they aren't lost, I assure you," Rylee said smugly and all eyes spun to look at her. "What? I had a very nice view of them just yesterday morning. Everything was where it should be."

She coyly looked over at Anders as he mouthed, "Thank you" to her. She gave him a wink of unity.

Trying to ease the tension, Varric decided to steer the conversation back to storytelling. He smiled over at Zev. "So Zev, to tell an amazing story the first lesson you need to learn, my assassin friend, is always make yourself as invisible as possible and make Lillah the hero. Lesson number two..."

"Wait, let me get this straight, you want me to make this handsome body invisible? That's impossible to do, my friend."

"I don't know if I can have you travel with me, Zev. If you can't put my wants and needs ahead of your own, this relationship might not work," Rylee chuckled.

Zev stared at her dreamily.

Rylee snapped her fingers in front of his face. "Zev…oh Zev…are you in there?"

"I'm sorry, all I heard was want and need. I knew my charm would work on you sooner or later," Zev chortled.

"If anyone is taking care of her wants and needs, Zev. It will be me. Obviously, men are completely incapable of taking care of such a delicate flower," Isabela chimed in.

"I don't know if anyone has ever referred to me as delicate flower before…and I don't think I like it very much," Rylee grumbled.

"Oh, Kitten, you are also the jam in my jellyroll."

Jealousy tore through Anders' body as an image of the Isabela passionately kissing Rylee flickered in his mind. Why should this matter? Why is the thought of her with anyone turning him into a complete idiot?

"Well, if you need some extra spread I'm always available," Zev cooed

"Wow, this conversation has really deteriorated into the gutter. We started out talking about scrambled eggs and ended up talking about spreads," Lillah mused.

"Both are very edible," Zev pointed out.

"And delicious," Isabela added.

"Are we talking about food or Rylee?" Nate asked.

"I believe they are talking about Rylee," Anders growled through gritted teeth as the unexplained jealously raged through him. Anders had more than he could take. He gulped down the rest of his ale then excused himself for the night and went to bed immediately to try and forget this horrible day.

The following morning he heard horses in the courtyard, being prepared for travel. He knew he needed to say good-bye to Rylee before she left. Part of him was grieving at her impending departure and part of him was eager for her to leave so that he could try to work some things out. There was a slight knock at the door and he called out for them to come in. The door opened and Rylee stood there. She wore tight leather travel pants, a loose fitting blouse and riding boots. Her dark locks were pulled up, but several pieces were flowing freely as they framed her face. Her sparkling blue eyes stared at him as she hesitated in the doorway.

She smiled tentatively at him, "Can I talk to you for a minute?"

"Of course, please come in."

She walked toward him so gracefully it was if she glided. She sat down beside him on the bed. She closed her eyes briefly and drew in a deep breath as if trying to draw from some inner strength. He looked at her and her big beautiful eyes were shimmering with tears. He had an almost irresistible urge to pull her into his arms and comfort her. She took his hand and placed a leather bound book in it.

"Eventually, I think you will want to know about what happened during those years in Kirkwall. The stories that you hear are so unreliable, especially since most of them are spun from Varric's imagination. This is my journal and it's a bit more accurate. Just ignore all the emotional bits and you will have a clear picture of those lost years."

His heart was racing because the way she was speaking was as if she was saying good-bye. "Rylee, why does it sound like your saying good-bye?"

"I'm not…it's just... I don't know how long I will be gone…"

"What do you mean you don't know how long you will be gone? Denerim isn't that far away. By horseback, three days journey at most. You should be back in a couple of weeks."

"Anders…I…"

Anders clasped her hands in his. "I know this has been hard you and I am so sorry for that, but I need to know that you're coming back."

"Why? Why do you need to know that? You have made it perfectly clear that you have no memories of me and have no feelings for me…"

"That isn't true…I do feel something for you, Rylee…I just don't know what it is. I'm very confused."

She was silent for a long moment. "I think this time apart will help with your confusion, as will my journal."

"Please, promise me you will be back," Anders begged.

"I promise, Anders." She pressed the diary into his hands. "I hope when I return you will have a clearer picture of what happened in Kirkwall… and what we meant to each other."

Anders traced her name that had been etched into lower right corner - Rylee Leandra Hawke. "I-I don't know what to say. A journal is so…personal I can't accept this," Anders replied.

"It's okay, Anders. I was there. I lived it, I don't need to remember those years, but it may help answer some of those questions for you."

"Thank you," Anders said.

She looked down at her commitment ring and twisted it on her finger. He could tell that she was debating with herself. Anders placed his hand on top of hers. "We don't have to make any decisions about us right now. As a matter of fact, I don't want to make any decisions until you come back. So please continue to wear my ring."

Her shimmering blue eyes looked up at him; she smiled and leaned into kiss his cheek. On impulse he turned his head, her warm breath washed over him as her soft lips brushed against his. He inhaled her scent and the smell of lavender and vanilla washed over him once again, calming him and comforting him. He yearned to deepen the kiss, but she pulled away, her hand brushed against the side of his face. "Good-bye, Anders."

Before he could stop her, she swiftly left the room. An unsettling and explainable sadness washed over him. He was unsure why but it felt like a piece of him had just disappeared and he was left with an empty hollow feeling.

A/N - * A huge thank you to those of you, who have favored, alerted and reviewed. You make my day so much brighter. I look forward to hearing your thoughts.

*I'm pulling out an old, but a goodie thank you for my Jinxy. "Jinxy, Jinxy your on my mind, your beta skills are awesome and your editing so fine., Jinxy, Jinxy wanna work with you so this what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna put a call to you, 'cause I feel good tonight and this chapter is oh so right, right, right"

*A huge thank you to the betalicious Kira Tamarion for being a guest beta on this chapter. Thank you so much for help.