Chapter 17- Nights Are Forever Without You
"Lying in bed with the radio on, moonlight falls like rain
Soft summer nights spent thinking of you, when will I see you again
Soft and low the music moans, I can't stop thinking about you, thinking about you...
I didn't know it would be so strong, waiting and wondering about you
I didn't know it would last so long, nights are forever without you
Curtains still dance with the wind and the sky, the sun will be coming up soon
But I just can't sleep for thinking of you, here alone with the moon
Soft and low the music moans, I can't stop thinking about you, thinking about you...
I didn't know it would be so strong, waiting and wondering about you
I didn't know it would last so long, nights are forever without you"
Nights Are Forever Without You by England Dan and John For Coley
It had been three weeks since Rylee had left for Denerim. She would have arrived there over two weeks ago, but neither Anders nor Lillah had received a word from her regarding her safe arrival. However, Lillah had received a note from Alistair stating that Rylee was staying at the Palace and was charming everyone at court; even Anora was impressed with her. This meant nothing to Anders, but it made Lillah snort in disgust. Anders thought it best not to even approach the subject of Alistair at this time.
When not assisting Lillah with Warden business, Anders spent a lot of time reading Rylee's journal. He admired her loyalty to her family, her sense of duty to make their lives better and although for reasons unknown to him, it pained him to read about her steadfast faithfulness to her sister whose feelings for Anders had kept Rylee away from him even though she was in love with him. He also read about his own rejection of her after they had returned to from the Deep Roads because of Justice's demands, and how she had turned to Isabela to ease the pain. Rylee had been with Isabela for almost two years, but eventually broke it off because her heart only wanted him and she felt it was unfair to the pirate to remain in a relationship that would never go anywhere. Well, that explained Isabela's anger towards him.
Reading about their life together in Kirkwall helped him feel close to her and connected to her. Anders couldn't explain it other than it had to be the bonded soul connection, but he ached for her. He longed to be with her physically, not sexually, although from the frequent dreams that he had been having of the two of them, he wanted that more and more too, but he just wanted to be near her. There was something about her presence that called to him and calmed him. He missed her terribly and yearned to see her again. During the day, he could occupy his mind to keep from thinking about her, but at night she was the only thing his mind would dwell on.
Anders slid off his bed and headed to the room that she had stayed in. With the promise of returning to the Keep, Rylee had left a lot of her things there. He sat on the edge of her bed, pulled the throw blanket up and smelled it. The scent of lavender and vanilla inundated his sense and his mind flashed to a campfire scene.
Rylee sat down beside him near the fire, the smell of vanilla and lavender wafting up. He leaned over and sniffed her, "Mmmm, you smell delicious."
She grinned at him, "Thank you. My mother just made this new soap for me. I'm glad you like it."
Anders nodded. "It…you smell wonderful."
A cool breeze blew and she shivered. He pulled off his robe's jacket and placed it around her shoulders. "Here, hopefully this will help keep you warm."
She snuggled down into, "Thank you."
They then had turned their attention to Varric, who was telling one of his stories of her escapades.
"So Hawke stares up at the big ugly ogre and says, 'It's either you or me and I guarantee it isn't going to be me'…"
Rylee broke out into laughter. "Varric, I would never say that. I would use more wit even though it would be lost on the dumb beast. I would say something like, 'Maker's breath that's big! What the hell do they feed those things, puppies and kittens'?"
Varric beamed at her, "Thanks Hawke, that will add a lot more to the story."
Anders continued to smell the blanket. Was that you showing me that?
No, that was your very own memory.
Really? Can you tell me about that flashback?
You should ask Varric. I do believe that is why Rylee left him hear at the Keep.
Anders nodded and headed out the door to hunt for the dwarf. He found Varric using the dummies in the sparring ring as target practice for Bianca.
"Hey Varric, would you care to spin me a tale?" Anders asked as he called out to him.
Varric turned and smiled, "Over a pint, I'll spin you the greatest story ever told if you want."
"I'll bring the ale only if you agree to tell me the truth," Anders replied.
"Sounds good to me, Blondie, meet me in the Warden's study in an hour."
An hour later with two cold mugs and a pitcher of ale, Anders met Varric in the study. Varric laughed when he saw Anders walk in, "How in a paragon's arse did you get a whole pitcher past Oghren?"
"Oh I sent him heading for cover by telling him that the guards saw Felsi heading this way and that she didn't look happy. Once he realizes it was rouse we will be done with this pitcher starting on the next," Anders chuckled as he filled each of the mugs.
"So what do you want to know, Blondie?"
"I had a flash of memory and I was hoping that you might be able to fill in the blanks," Anders said.
Varric sipped his ale and gave a nod so Anders relayed the memory of the camp scene. Varric grinned, "Aaah one of the best bets ever made…only because I won, the two of you lost and I had free ale for a month."
Varric went on to retell the tale of the bets, Rylee's game of the Five Senses Seduction and how the sense of smell was the one that had hooked Anders from the start. He chuckled as he came to the end of the story, "Up until the very end of our stay in Kirkwall, you would insist that Rylee wear that old coat of yours for at least a day so that her scent was on it. By the ancestors, she would come into the Hanged Man tripping on the damn thing and cursing so much that it made even Isabela blush. Deep down I think she really liked the idea of her scent on your clothes, otherwise she would never have gone along with it. No one made that woman do anything she didn't already want to do."
Anders chuckled as he sipped his ale. He thought about the story and about Rylee. "Varric, what is it about Rylee that makes her fight so relentlessly to save all those around her?"
"You're the one reading her journal. I would think the insight from her childhood would answer that question for you, but if you are asking my opinion, Hawke never started out as wanting to do anything more than support and protect her family. However, circumstances, her moral code and her love for those in her life would not let her walk away. Her need to protect those around her pulled her in deeper politically than she ever wanted…"
"When you talk about her need to protect, you are talking about me, aren't you?"
"Mostly, but I'm not just referring to you. She had put together a very motley crew of companions that she somehow made work and even if we didn't always like each, other we all worked very well together. However, to keep us out of jail and out of the grasps of the templars it took her using her wily, wily ways, her noble influences and lots of cash."
"She bribed people," Anders said shocked.
Varric roared with laughter. "I know you have no memory of this, but even then you were so naïve as to how you remained free. How else do you think a known and wanted apostate living with the Champion of Kirkwall was never arrested? Meredith was paid handsomely to turn a blind eye to you, my friend."
"What? Rylee paid off the Knight-Commander to keep the templars away from me?"
"Yep, that was how you could walk into the Gallows without having at least a dozen templars seizing you. They were commanded to look the other way, but it also gave Meredith power over Rylee, which she detested, so she gave that crazy bitch hell at every turn and for the most part, Meredith had to take it as long she accepted Rylee's money."
Even with no memory, Anders was in complete shock over this news. He was humbled by her actions and in awe of who she was, but it also ate at his pride that she was the one protecting him and not other way around.
"How could I have been so naive?"
"We see what we want to see, Blondie."
"So I did nothing to protect her, to keep her safe?"
"You were too caught up in your plight to notice much of anything. Rylee was a very busy girl while you were off plotting your little revolution with Justice."
Anders ran his fingers through his lose long hair. "What an incredible bastard I was! Why did she stay with me?"
"Well, if that wasn't the million sovereign question that was on everyone's lips? However, despite all of the relationship flaws that there were towards the end, you and Rylee had something that only comes along once in life time… something magical. Personally, Blondie, I believe if I live to be a hundred, I will never see two people more in love with each nor more devoted to one another than the two of you were."
Anders shook his head in disbelief. "Varric…where do I go from here?"
The dwarf laughed, "Only you can answer that. Where does your heart tell you to go?"
Anders paused for a long moment, "To her… it tells me to go to her."
"Then have the courage to follow it."
Anders sipped his ale. He thought about all that he knew about Rylee, about what he had read from her journal, about what others had said, what Justice had revealed to him and the few memories that had returned. Even without his memories, he knew what he wanted and he knew the only person that would ever make him happy was in Denerim. He smiled as he handed Varric, Rylee's journal, "Here, this might help you craft all those wild tales of yours."
Varric looked at the journal and then back at the mage, "Don't you need this to help spark some of those memories?"
"It doesn't matter what it says. I know all I need to know about who she is."
Varric laughed, "Well, it looks like the old Anders is still in there after all." Varric tucked the journal into his coat pocket. "I'm glad I got to see you one last time before Rylee get her hands on you. She is going to kill you when she find out you gave me her journal."
"If I know you the way I think I do, you'll just dream up something outrageous. I want to make sure that you get the love story right. Besides, I think you might find the real version much more interesting," Anders chuckled.
"Don't you want to read the real version or are you just going to take my word for it?" Varric asked.
"I don't need to remember. I know what I'm feeling and I'm going to go start a brand new chapter with Rylee."
"It's about sodding time you found your stones, Blondie. I always knew you had it in you."
"There you are, Anders…" Lillah said as she stuck her head in the library door. "I should have known I would find you getting drunk with a dwarf."
"You know me so well," Anders replied.
"Yes, apparently better than you know yourself now-a-days. The reason I was looking for you is because I need you to go with Oghren and Sigrun tomorrow to look at a potential recruit in Amaranthine."
Anders sighed, "Okay, fine."
"I'll go with you, Blondie. Bianca might get some action if I follow you around a bit."
"Great, now I'm just four dwarves and a poison apple short of really great tale," Anders muttered.
After Varric and Anders finished the pitcher, Anders made his way back to his room. He was thinking about Rylee's game of Five Senses Seduction when a vividly strong scene flashed across his mind.
He and Rylee were seated at a table in front of a fireplace in a bedroom. She wore nothing, but a satin robe and Anders was dressed in noblemen's clothes. Anders had Rylee's hands clasped hands in his. "Ry, I had once told you that in the Circle, love was just game, that we never tried to take it too seriously because if the templars found out it would give them something to hold over us. For the most part, all of the mages lived by this unspoken code… except for a few brave souls that risked falling in love and knew they had met the person that they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with. Those mages would secretly hold a commitment ceremony and pledge their lives to each other."
Anders paused as he fell on his knees in front of Rylee, "Love, one day when all mages are free to live their lives and marry, I want to make you my wife, but until that day, I want the two of us to have a ceremony in front of our family and friends pledging our love and our lives to one another. Rylee Hawke, are you willing to stand beside me and bind yourself to me?"
Tears flowed down Rylee's cheeks as she sank to her knees in front of him, "Love, don't you know that I'm already bound to you? I love you, Anders. Our souls are linked together and even though in the eyes of the Chantry we aren't married, in my heart you are my husband."
Anders claimed her mouth passionately, penetrating deeply, taking her tongue and sucking it into his mouth.
Anders grasped the doorframe as a wave of love and passion for her washed over him. He felt the joy that he had felt that night when she had said yes and every fiber of his being longed to hold her. He needed to go to her. Tomorrow he would write her to tell her that he was coming to Denerim.
Anders you need to avoid Denerim. You are a wanted apostate. You are safe here. You need to be patient and wait for her to return.
I need to see her. I need to tell her that I love her. That I don't remember it all, but I remember that I love her and need her.
It's this type of irresponsible behavior with regards to her that got you into trouble in the first place. She promised you that she would return; have faith in her.
Anders drew in a deep sigh of frustration and resignation. You're right, but I am still going to write her.
If you must!
Anders rifled through his things and found his old coat. He pulled it out and smelled it… it still had a faint scent of lavender and vanilla on it. He lay in bed with his coat, thinking of her as he drifted off to sleep.
The following day Anders and his dwarves headed out for Amaranthine. They found the young rogue just outside the city, taking on two bullies that had obviously picked a fight with her. She was quick, nimble and had some good blade skills. She reminded him of Rylee the one time that he had seen her spar with Nate and Zev. Anders was actually sick over the idea of recruiting someone so young.
A memory flashed through his mind of Rylee in the Deep Roads, leaping onto the back of an ogre and drawing her blade across the beast's neck.
Terrified, Anders looked on, "Rylee be careful. You have a cut on your arm; don't let their blood mix in with yours."
As the monster fell, she jumped off, landed beside him. "Not to worry, I have my very sexy mage to take care of me."
He glared at her in frustration. "I can't heal the taint, Love. The only cure is to become a Grey Warden."
She grinned at him, "Well then we could be Wardens together."
"NO!"
She looked at him, shocked by his reaction. "Do you hate being a Warden that much?"
He was silent for a moment. "Being a Warden has some advantages… for example, the infamous Warden stamina that you seem to benefit from and enjoy." She smiled that roguish grin of hers and he could tell her mind had already gone off in that direction, but he grabbed her arm, forcing her to focus on him. "But it isn't a life I would wish on anyone, especially not you. Please be careful, Love, that is all I ask."
"Do we really want to recruit someone so young? She barely looks of age," Anders said.
"It beats trying to survive in the streets barely scraping by to put food on the table," Oghren said.
"Anders, I know becoming a Warden wasn't your first choice, but since the Commander ended the Blight, the Wardens are viewed as a prestigious order once again. Many consider it an honor to be asked to join," Sigrun explained.
"Oh yeah, you should see them lining up at the Keep. I don't know if it's to join or just get the chance to sneak a peek at the Commander's arse," Oghren chortled.
"Oh, that's a reason to join - shorten your life span by thirty years, but stare at nice ass until your untimely death," Anders said dryly.
"Hey, there are worse ways to go," Oghren replied.
"Yes, that's true. Being a brood mother's bitch might rank up there with bad ways to die," Sigrun chimed in.
"I have never been more thankful for being a man," Oghren said with a shudder.
"Oghren, a brood mother may actually make an exception for you," Sigrun grunted.
"What can I say, all women love me," Oghren stated.
"Define love... I believe my definition and yours are very different," Anders stated.
"I have more women throwing themselves at me than you have in your wildest fantasies."
"Don't you mean throwing themselves at your blade, just to avoid you?" Sigrun chuckled.
"So Anders, tell me, man to dwarf, what was it like being with both cousins?" Oghren asked.
Varric started to choke as Anders' face turned red with anger. "What!" He demanded.
"Well, Sparkle Fingers, you must be the luckiest sod in all of Thedas. You have not only greased the Commander's wheel, but her cousin's as well. Too bad you couldn't grease them together, huh?"
"We are not having this conversation," Anders growled.
"They both look so much alike… did you ever accidently call Rylee, Lillah or use a move on Rylee that you used on Lillah just to see if she liked it?"
"I'd be interested in your answer to that too," Varric added.
"Shut up dwarf, before I shoot a lightning bolt so far up your arse that it will clean your colon out for a week," Anders threatened.
"Oooo, I want to see that," Sigrun chortled.
"Oh, that's right. You don't remember what you did to her or how well you did it. You probably were really bad at it, that's why you forgot," Oghren stated.
"I'd watch it my dwarven friend, the last thing you want is to piss him off too much, he may blow up a Chantry or something," Varric chortled.
"It's the something the two of you need to watch out for," Anders grunted as he turned to Sigrun. "Are we going to recruit this girl or not? I'm ready to get the hell out of here."
Three hours later, Anders, the dwarves and the rogue recruit whose name was Avery, walked through the gates of Vigil's Keep. Anders needed to be alone and immediately headed his room. Lying on his pillow was a sealed letter from Denerim.
He ripped it open and was pleased to see it was from Rylee.
Dear Anders,
I hope this letter finds you well and settling in at Vigil's Keep. The trip to Denerim was uneventful for the most part – a few highway bandits, but nothing that we couldn't handle. Alistair was gracious enough to invite us to stay at the Palace. From all that I heard from you and Lillah, I expected Anora to be completely uncivil, but that couldn't be further from the truth. She has been a warm and generous host and it has been a pleasure to get to know the Fereldan Queen on a more personal level. She is definitely shrewd and calculating, but what woman of power and influence isn't? I personally like her and have enjoyed spending time with her.
The main reason for my letter is to warn you that Sebastian Vael is in Ferelden. He had the nerve to appeal to Alistair for information regarding both of us. Alistair, of course, told him nothing. The King also warned him that he was on Ferelden soil and that neither he nor his knights had any authority here. Alistair went on even further to state that any crimes committed against his citizens would be viewed as an act of war. Other than wanting to see both of us dead, I don't know what Sebastian's plans are so until we have a better picture of what the Prince of Starkhaven has up his sleeves, please be careful, Anders.
Since I am staying at the Palace, Alistair couldn't offer for Sebastian to stay here too, so Arl Eamon will be hosting the Prince during his stay in Denerim. I think that it would be very unwise for me to try to leave the city while Sebastian remains here. I hope he intents on leaving soon. Once he is gone I will make plans to return to the Keep.
In the meantime, please be safe and take care.
I miss you,
Rylee
p.s. Bethany told me tell you hello and to remind you that you owe her a sovereign for losing that last hand of Wicked Grace.
Anders heart broke a little. He didn't know what he expected. When she had left, he had made it clear that he had no memory or feelings for her, so why would she pour her heart out in letter to him, but still it stung that for the most part the letter was very impersonal.
Anders immediately pulled out a piece of parchment and wrote her back.
My dearest Rylee,
I am glad to hear that despite Sebastian's sudden appearance that you are enjoying your stay in Denerim. I hope that the trip has helped you find the peace and comfort that I know you were seeking.
The Keep hasn't been the same since you have left. It lacks the warmth and cheer that your presence brought. I understand the reason to delay your return, but please know, Ry, that I truly miss you and I long to see your smiling face once again.
With all of my heart,
Anders
p.s. Please tell Bethany that I said hello and that she isn't getting a sodding copper from me until I have my memory back and recall this so called game of Wicked Grace that she spoke of.
A/N- *Thank you once again to everyone for your reviews and for adding this story to your alert and favs list. I truly appreciate you taking the time to read and review this story. It's wonderful hearing your thoughts and comments. I always try to reply to all of my reviews, but last was a crazy week. If missed responding to a review I apologize and please know that you reviews always brighten my day!
* Last, but never least I would like to thank Beta Goddess Jinxy for her mad crunk beta skills…she is so buck! More importantly, I want to thank her for her friendship and support. You're the best!